Thursday, July 1, 2010

Today

I had a whole post pre-planned out in my head for today.

I want to tell you the good things and the bad things that have been happening recently.

But for some reason, I woke up today feeling sad...almost unbearably so. Like I might take a half a day vacation so I can go home and cry my heart out type of sad.

I miss my dog.

I know she wasn't a person. I know horrible things are happening all over the world that are way worse than me missing my dog.

But I miss her. So. Very. Much.

I picked up her pawprint (her print in clay) at the vet's office last night after work. I had sushi at a nice restaurant by myself - hoping to feel empowered rather than lonely. It worked...for about the first minute.

I came home and had to bake the pawprint (why would they not bake this? I just think that's crazy! It could've gotten smushed and ruined through all the various hands that touched it...and since she was cremated (no, I didn't keep the ashes) her pawprint can't be replaced!) and it didn't bake correctly. I just couldn't get it to harden fully and I kept baking it. I was scared to do so because the directions had DO NOT OVERBAKE! all over them.

I don't think I did it right.

I didn't want to ruin the last thing I had of Chassis.

I ate when I wasn't hungry last night. I did it willfully and knowingly, but since Joe worked until almost 10, I couldn't get comfort the way I wanted to. So I ate. It's not like I ate a ton, but I know it wasn't the right thing to do either. I'm disappointed in myself...but more than that I'm so very sad.

I woke up sad and cried during my shower. After I was done, I climbed into bed beside Joe to get hugs and to cry. He cried too, which somehow helped.

Have I mentioned how sad I am?

So no real post for today. I suppose I'm sorry about that too.

18 Comments:

Sam said...

Love and hugs coming your way!! Oh, and lots and lots of prayers!

Mrs. Happy Pants said...

Have a squishy Happy Pants hug.
*squuueeeeeeeeze*

Lesia said...

Now that I am crying too, I wish I was there to give you a shoulder to lean on. I don't know what I would do without my little Gadget (toy poodle) He is such a BIG part of our family. I wish I could make you happy again. Just know I love you and am thinking of you.smile.

Lala said...

Sending you all my compassion and a big virtual hug. I'm so sorry you are suffering. Even from looking at her pictures I can tell how special Chassis was. Take gentle care of yourself today and know others are thinking of you.

Katy said...

Oh sweetie!!!! This is a hard time for you. I know shower crying is the worst. I wish we could all give you a collective hug and make it all better. Unfortunately this is just one of those things you have to just go through. Joe is there for you. You'll get through this together.

Becca said...

Aw, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. ~hug~

POD said...

When my dog Fang died while I was away on a trip to Italy, I felt okay about it because I was not there for the end when she got sick and my son had to have her put to sleep. She had pancreatistus (sp) and was also diabetic. (I swear animals don't stand a chance with me). but a few weeks later, after i arrived home, I received in the mail, a letter from the vet with her pawprint in ink and it nearly killed me when I opened and read that letter and saw her little paw. And here I thought I'd get off scott free. It was a very sad time.
Dogs are wonderful, wondrous creatures. I'm glad you had so much fun with her while she was on the planet.

Fat Girl vs. World said...

i channeled my sadness into volunteering at an animal shelter. I wasn't trying to replace my kitty that died, I wanted to do a mitzvah in his honor.

Margie M. said...

I feel your pain and am so sorry (again) for your loss. We have had to face the same situation so I do understand your tears and your sadness. They aren't *just dogs* they are our family. And we love them.

Margie M. writes at:
www.myhealthylivingthruweightcontrol.blogspot.com

Misspudding said...

Ugh, so sorry!!! :(

Hugs and love from my end. Sorry they don't travel as well via electrons!

Misspudding said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TinaM said...

Aw, don't feel bad because she wasn't a person. We all understand and don't think any less of your sadness because she was a dog!!! Hell, pets are way better family than people half the time, if you ask me!!! It's only natural that you would feel this sad. Yes there are things going on in the world, but this thing is going on in YOURS. And it's sad, and it's ok to feel it.
Don't feel bad about writing about it either. We all hurt for you and hope it is helping to write. Everyone wishes we could all hug you and make you feel better!
Your last post was Great by the way :)

carla said...

I feel for you as we lost both of ours in quick succession years ago (3) and Im still not ready for more pets.

MizFit

✯FiTCETERA✯ said...

I am VERY sorry for your loss of Chassis. :(

Pets are never "just". Their approach is unconditional love and they're incapable of hurting the ones they love. Probably they are the epitomy of love and all that is good and that's why it hurts so much when they're gone.

Wallene said...

When I read about your beloved Chassis the other day I went over to the Dachshund Memorial once more to see our Boomer who we lost 5 years ago. And I cried.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him - even if he wasn't a person - like TinaM said their love is unconditional and better than people some of the time!

I swear it gets easier, day by day, but Chassis will always be with you, in your heart.

It doesn't work for everyone but since we had small kids who missed Boomer too we went the next day and got another Dachsie. And last year we adopted a humungo Chesapeake Bay Retriever. They aren't replacements but the sure do make our home a happy place.

It's okay to cry - I wish I could be there with you to cry too and have a cuppa with you.

Much love and hugs. ~SkippyMom~

fatbridesmaid.com said...

Poor girl! Losing a pet is so hard. If a good cry will help you feel a little better then I say go for it. Lots of love and hugs your way.

雅琪 said...

一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼............................................................

Ginger said...

*hugs*