Reflections, Recalibrations, and Goals (Oh my!)

This past weekend my mom visited and although I had a bit of a problem posting about it (who likes to admit they have issues with their mom?), I'm so glad I did. I followed many of your bits of advice (positive thinking, mantras, and treating her like an old friend). I continued with my attempts to be at least my part of a healthy relationship. And when the guilt trips came (and oh, how they came in spades), I addressed them calmly and then moved on. When she said things in a backhanded way that simply weren't true, I addressed the untruths and moved on. The guest suite that was supposed to be ready to have her stay in (in our building, on a different floor, there is a guest suite available for rent by the loft owners), was NOT ready, I gave her two options - neither of which involved staying on our couch (we have a small loft and no second bedroom).

I ran, I ate fairly well, and I tried to re-enforce some healthy boundaries.

It was, in a word, exhausting.

There were pockets of goodness and (again via a recommendation) I tried to remember that she won't be around for forever. I soaked up the good times as much as I could and was happy that the visit ended in neither slammed doors nor tears.

On Saturday night, the three of us (Joe, my mom, and I) were walking to dinner. I had primped earlier so as to look my best - we were going to go to a fancy restaurant! I was wearing a cute shirt, a skirt, and sexy heels. Even though my lipstick was "way too dark" (thanks mom!), I felt good about myself.

Until I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a store front mirror.

And I literally stumbled.

I guess I thought that I looked better than what I did. I guess that I haven't looked in a full length mirror in a while. But my belly pooch? Still there - and very present. My dimpled legs? Still there. And my flabby arms? They apparently never left.

It's discouraging to realize that my own idea of what I look like just isn't correct. I read a lot about women who profess about how fat they are, when they're wearing an 8. Their body image must be just as distorted as mine...I could've sworn that I was more fit! My belt is still on the third notch, but below the belt? Eesh...not so pretty. Apparently everything that USED to be at my waistline, is now in the ever-growing pooch area.

So, what to do?

I don't want to focus on the scale...I want to have a healthy relationship with food. But when I look, really look, at my behaviors the past two weeks, I can pinpoint several times when I ate and wasn't hungry. In fact, I can think of several times this past weekend when I ate all of my food because it tasted good and not because I was hungry. And when you're eating eggs benedict, paying attention to satiety is probably a good idea.

So I've got to recalibrate my lifestyle and recommit to eating when I'm hungry and NOT eating when I'm not hungry.

And I think it's time that I set some goals on here. The general goal of "I want a healthy relationship with food" is so gray that I feel I need to have some smaller goals that can help me get there.

Starting TODAY here are my goals and commitments:

1) I will measure myself today after work in some key areas. I think measurements, versus weight, will help me see what I'm doing to help my body. I don't want to do this more than once a month though - and what better day than the 12th of each month?

2) I am going to (and I can't believe I'm actually saying this) TRACK my food. I'm not going to track how many calories, points, or grams the food is. But I am going to track how hungry I was before I put it in my mouth and how satisfied I was after I ate it. I feel like this is a great way to help myself to remember mindfulness. I WILL do this each day until Friday and then reassess for the weekend. I *want* to do it all week, but I need to remember that tracking is a big deal for me - so baby steps it is!

3) I need to run outside again. Running on the treadmill in our building just isn't fun and since I dread it, I don't do it. I'm committing to figuring out a running path where I can step out our door and run and avoid as many stoplights as possible. I WALKING down our 16th street mall (which is right where I live) so running down it is like running through a mall at Christmas time. But there have got to be other paths that I can take away from the crowds, right?

4) I'm committing to eating higher fiber foods with protein in the morning. I realize that when I don't eat as much in the morning, it's hard for me to not feel hungry often later in the day. This morning? I had a double fiber wheat english muffin and some peanut butter. It hit the spot and I feel satisfied - much more than what I have been having.

5) Lastly, since Joe is working late most of this week, I'm going to commit trying TWO recipes for dinner versus just snacking on whatever is readily available. I think it'll be fun - besides what else do I have to do at night? I'm not trying some super fancy ones, but something that will celebrate a healthy relationship with food is a start.

What is a goal you have for the week?