Waiting for my real life to begin

Sometimes when I work, I need something to tune out the crazy lady that shouts in a cubicle near mine. Her voice, at times, grates on my nerves like the sound of cats mating in an alley. While four year olds try to learn to whistle. And Nickleback songs play. Basically, it's like all the sounds I hate most at once.

Anyway, when those times of clarity are needed, I find myself streaming music to my computer, which I should mention is Not Allowed at work. But I can't help it. The site I pick is Pandora and the great thing about them is that when you put in an artist's name that you like, it will try to pick artists that sound like the first one you like. It's been a great way to discover new bands and songs.

So yesterday, I heard Colin Hay's "Waiting For My Real Life To Begin" for the umpteenth time. I probably haven't heard that song in years, so it was a treat. I've always loved that song. It's soft, strangely calming, and melancholy. For those that are interested to hear it, you can click below to hear the song (if you're reading this via Google Reader or some other RSS feed, you may actually have to come to my page to hear it).

But this time, in the middle of all the crap I had to do just then, it really hit me...the lyrics and the message.

I can read the lyrics (which are below) and think that Colin Hay probably wrote the song wistfully thinking of his second chance to make it big. Sure, he was the lead singer for the 80s band Men at Work, but that success was fleeting. The song (to me) is about a guy who is hoping for his luck to change - for his ship to come in - and is counting on that to happen. When it does? Why THAT is when his real life will begin.

The guy in the song? That's me.

How many times have we said to ourselves, "I'll do THAT when I'm skinny." THAT could be run a half marathon, learn how to perform a striptease without giggling like a nincompoop, eat organic food, go on a date, get married, sky dive, or play with your kids.

But I realized something when I listened to the song yesterday. I may not be waiting to do things until I'm skinny, but I am waiting for life to just be easier. I'm waiting for my luck to change - for the clouds to open, sunlight to shine down, and for things to just not have to be so hard. Surely all of this hard work that has gone into my dieting the past 20 years is WORTH some reward, right?

But as I read the lyrics, and listened to the song, I wondered what would happen if his plan didn't pan out? He'd be this guy, checking to see if his ship came in - always hopeful and disappointed. The tragedy is that he wouldn't have lived his life as it is now. He wouldn't have let the light shine in, have opened up his heart - perhaps to new possibilities. He would never have lived in the present.

As much as it pains me to admit it, this is me.

I'm self conscious of my jiggling thighs, protruding belly, saggy boobs, and creaky knees. My hair can get greasy easily and is painfully straight. It frizzes in the rain. My eyes have dark circles under them. When I look in the mirror, I think "You have GOT to do something about the way you look." Unconsciously, I tell myself that my zits will disappear, my hair will be soft, shiny, and manageable. Joe would propose, my wedding pictures would be beautiful, and I would finally get paid what I am worth...all only if I could just get rid of these next 50 pounds.

Well, no more.

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to start unpacking the baggage that I've had since I was a kid. I'm ready to leave behind the taunting words of kids that didn't know better. I'm ready to release the old ghosts. Sure, I have goals, but I'm missing NOW by always thinking of my wedding day, the awe of us expecting kids, the pleasure that I'll feel when I can tell my boss to take this job and shove it - along with countless other joys that I hope to experience.

My life won't be complete or easier in some distant day. It's complete now. Unfortunately, NOW is as easy as it's ever going to be.

I'm no longer waiting for my real life to begin. It starts today. It starts now. And even when pain and sorrow come, I'll address it head on by FEELING my feelings - no matter how difficult. Life may be difficult, but I can live in the now to experience it and then move on.

So watch out world, because here I come - flawed as I may be.

Starting today, I'm going to live my life as authentically as I can...in the present, in the now.

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me

And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my own footsteps once again

And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine
There's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin