Truth telling...

The truth is...I've missed blogging.  Actually, I've missed blogging a lot.

So much has happened since I last wrote that sometimes it just feels easier to skip it all together.  I find myself asking, "How do I give context?" 

But the truth is?  I started this blog with no context for any of you...especially those who happened to find me somewhere along the way.

So, since we're on this subject, here are many of my truths:

1.  I hate dating.  Okay, this you probably already knew.  But it feels a bit cathartic to actually write it.

2.  I want a baby.  Badly.  Not like I'm going to go all "Raising Arizona" on some unsuspecting family but bad enough that I am seriously considering sperm donors.  Wow.  That also feels cathartic to write that.  Out loud.  Ish.

3.  I've been in my new house for a year.  One year and I'm still wondering if I did the right thing by breaking up with Joe.  Because sometimes, I get lonely.  And while I know firsthand that just because you're "with" someone doesn't mean that you don't ever feel lonely, it still sometimes eats at me.  Because sometimes it's hard to forget the comfort and consistency that I found in his friendship.

4.  I've gained back every ounce of weight I've ever lost.  And wow if that doesn't tend to fuck with your confidence regarding my first point.  The thing is?  As I get older, I'm starting to realize that guys mind a lot less than they ever have before.  Unless you count my dad.  Nothing's changed there...he's still a dick to women who are over 100 pounds.

5.   I love my job.  I mean, I LURRRVE my job.  For the record, I switched companies in April and I now work for a company that a certain sitcom likes to call Kabletown.  Some days, I can't believe that they're paying me as well as they do to have as much fun as I have.  I work in a supportive environment - one where I'm rewarded, praised, challenged, and accepted.  Also, I get free cable.  So yeah, I love this company.

6.  My first "real" boyfriend found me on FaceBook and friended me.  That happened about a month ago.  It's still weird.  And I wonder if he's checked out my pictures, my posts, and anything about me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't wonder this because there is any love for him still.  Actually, I don't feel much for him at all.  It's just still weird.

7.  I love HBO's "The Newsroom."  They just finished showing their first season and it's no longer on Video On Demand.  But I love it.  A lot.  And I want to recommend it to anyone.  It's by Aaron Sorkin - the guy who brought you "The West Wing," "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip," and "The American President."  So yes, it's liberalish.  But it's also fast paced, witty, and absolutely delightful.

8.  I have adopted two orange tabby cats in January.  They're brothers.  Their names?  Oliver and Fat Gordon. And sometimes?  I can't tell them apart.   

9.  I have listened to "El Camino" by Amos Lee several times as I have been writing.  His voice feels like it's snowing outside and I'm inside, bundled under covers, in a favorite sweatshirt and fun pants, sipping hot cocoa.  Listening to his music is like being hugged...only with less groping.  Probably.

10.  I can't think of a tenth thing.


:)

P.S.  Yes.  I also posted this on my other blog.  In fact, I posted it there first.  But then I figured that anyone who might possibly still be interested might be wondering what was up too...even if the major parts of this post weren't weight related.

Trending in the right direction

Well, hello there!

I'm happy to report that I lost weight this past week - now trending in the right direction! The total amount that I lost was 1.8, but for the purposes of the tracker above, it only shows 1.6 down...and that's because I was up 0.2 the week before.

Anyway, YAY ME!  This past week was especially hard because we had a snow storm on Friday in Denver and work was cancelled.  That meant me.  In my house.  Alone.  With all the snacks I wanted.  And silly me didn't think that the snow was going to be that bad, so I assumed that I'd be able to stock up on the essentials (like fresh fruit) later.  Not so much.  I survived though...and made the best choices possible.

This week, I'm on a business trip - in fact, as I write this I'm in the town of Goldsboro, NC.  Traveling, in the past, always meant being on vacation and eating whatever the heck I wanted.  And what I wanted was to binge.  And I'll admit, I did a bit of that last night when I ordered boneless chicken wings at Chili's for my dinner (washed down with a large wheat beer).  BUT I definitely had the points left for that...and besides, that is precisely what sounded good after all day travel.  I had already had my nutritional breakfast in the morning, a baggie of cut up apples as a snack on the first leg of my trip, and a healthy turkey and swiss sandwich (with coleslaw) for lunch in the airport in Cleveland (when the burger joint across the way smelled much more appetizing).

This morning's breakfast buffet had no fruit options and no real "healthy" options.  So I stuck with peanut butter and a toasted bagel and a coffee.  For lunch I had a half of a footlong Subway sandwich loaded with veggies and had the other half for dinner.  I did enjoy a package of Sun Chips with each sandwich and I splurged and had Skittles as an afternoon snack.  Other than that?  Nada.  Truthfully? I miss my mid-afternoon fruit and veggie snacks.  Maybe I haven't made the best of choices every time, but I think overall, I've done well - and I've done markedly better than what I ever have done in the past.

This trip has actually been a huge blessing because I have a nasty cold that has me sniffling, sneezing, and coughing often.  I had some work to do today at the manufacturing plant that I visited here, but for the afternoon and early evening, I was able to nap and read a book.*  And honestly?  That has been just what I needed.

I make my return back to Denver tomorrow and with any luck will be able to restock my fridge with fresh items for the weekend and have a nutritious dinner at home. 

I'm determined to have another loss this week.  I'm determined to get some miles in this weekend if the weather cooperates so that I can start preparing for my 7K in a month.

I'm determined to keep trending in the right direction.

* Confession time: I'm actually on my third book since leaving Denver yesterday morning...I read the first two books in "The Hunger Games" trilogy and am 28% through the last one.  If you're looking for a book to distract you from eating (because you're so into it), these might be the ones for you.

Things I love: Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Breeze

For YEARS I've been drinking skim milk.  Because for years, nutritionists and know-it-all's alike preached the health benefits of it.  Who doesn't love things that are fat-free?  And when you compare the stats on skim milk to whole fat buttermilk, skim wins by a watery landslide.

But when I started reading more about soy milk and almond milk, I became curious.

I've found a new love - especially for coffee and oatmeal.  It's UNSWEETENED Vanilla Almond Breeze.

The stats stack up like this:

That's ONE (1) point for a cup of this...and because it's thicker, I think it feels more indulgent than skim milk - but again, it still has the same point value!

Like I said, I use it in my coffee (my to-go cups hold two cups of coffee, one cup of this, and a few squirts of sugar-free syrup) every morning.  Here's my tip for coffee: heat up the "milk" first before mixing it with the coffee...it keeps your coffee hotter longer instead of cooling it down immediately.  Lukewarm coffee isn't my favorite.

The flavor is *slightly* nutty and there is a vanilla flavor (not sweet though)...but definitely not overpowering.  The color is definitely darker than skim milk and again, it's more opaque. 

I think it's available in the normal dry goods sections of stores, but I get mine in the refrigerated section - and the half gallon is typically good for about a month (according to the expiration date on the carton).  They suggest that you use the product within 7 days of opening, but by using over a cup a day, this isn't a huge issue for me.

There are other flavors that I'm aware of are pictured above - but they are more calories and the sweetened versions are definitely sweet.  My father picked up some regular sweetened almond milk and it was too sweet to mix into my coffee...then again, I'm not a huge fan of overly sweetened coffees.

Have any of you used low points options (other than milk) to lighten your coffee?

Reversing a train

Last week, at Weight Watchers, the scale told me that I gained a few lots of pounds.  If you recall, this was no surprise.  But I wasn't done.

That trending continued through half of the week...but not with as much momentum.  And by Friday, I stopped the train of reckless self-abandon.  By Sunday, I had turned it around completely.

So when I stepped on the scale last night, I was up 0.4 pounds.

I think the hardest thing to do is to stop doing whatever it is that is causing you harm and to choose something different.  I find this especially difficult when what I'm craving is comfort.

Because when I crave comfort, I want to feel good, loved, and, well...comfortable.  Know what isn't comfortable?  Feeling alone.  Feeling deprived.  Feeling out of control.

So sometimes, when I crave comfort, I go for overeating as the solution.  It doesn't feel particularly great, at least, not after the binge-like behavior.  But in the moment?  Endorphins get released, things feel good, things taste good, and more importantly, they feel familiar.

Comfortable.

That is, until the self-loathing comes along.  Although, to be completely honest, that's pretty damn familiar too.

While part of me is ashamed that it took me a week and a half of absolutely horrible eating practices to turn this thing around, part of me is happy that at least I didn't wait until a Monday to make changes.

In fact, yesterday is the first Monday in a LONG time that I haven't gone over my points.  I didn't feel deprived at any point in the day.  I had delicious healthy meals that fueled my body better than crappy food I had been putting in it the previous two weeks.

At the end of the day, I realized that I was okay with not continuing to eat.  I was satisfied - especially after enjoying a serving of Ben & Jerry's new decadent ice cream. 

I counted up my points and voila!  I hit my target exactly.

Today, I had a good breakfast.  I have snacks of veggies, cheese, and fruit for the day.  For lunch I have a delicious veggie wrap and tomato soup and for dinner, I'll have tortilla crusted baked tilapia with broccoli. 

My freezer and fridge are stocked with healthy options.  And while those things don't bring about the same comfort as over-eating does, it does bring about a different feeling of comfort. 

My body, itself, feels comfortable.  I have more energy and I don't feel sluggish after meals.  I feel comfort in staying within my financial budget too by eating food that I already have in my house and not swinging by my local fast food place to buy crap food.

This week, I just want to continue this trend.  I want to continue to eat fresh foods that make my body feel good.  I also want to add in an element of exercise.  I want to not binge on Sunday during the game.  I want to weigh less next week than I did this week.

All of those things are within my control.  All of those things are in the path that I'm currently on. I just need to keep going.

Which way is the music??

I went to my Weight Watchers meeting last night and gained back almost all of the weight that I've lost.

Before I stepped on the scale, my leader asked me, "So...how are things?"  And I gave her the most honest reply I could - being, "I don't want to talk about it."

I still struggle with feeling judged when I step on the scale.  Probably because I still struggle with judging myself based on the number on the scale.  But I didn't feel like discussing all that.  I didn't feel like having a heavy conversation last night. 

So I weighed.  I updated my weight loss tracker at the top of this page.  I stayed for the meeting.  I listened to other people's successes.  And my mood lightened and I started to shed the harsh judgements that only I heap on myself.

I got the weigh in sticker that indicated that I gained and you know what?  The world didn't stop turning.  No one on the street (or even in the meeting) gasped at me or shielded me from their baby's gaze.

Huh.  Go figure.

So I gained.  It's done.  All I can do is come up with a plan for today and for this week.

My plan for this week?  Track.  I do better when I track...and I'm not just talking about weight loss (though they seem to go hand in hand).  When I track, I have a moment to plan, to slow down, and process what it is that I really want.

Last night I met a friend at a restaurant near my meeting...and when I got there, I was famished.  I ate half of the appetizer, half of my entree (but all of the sweet potato fries - yum!).  And had half of the dessert. 

But before I went, I checked out some points values online and I did a pretty good job picking things that wasn't as high in points as others.  This morning, I counted my points, figured out just how many weekly points I blew through, and then started planning for today.

And today?  I'm going to Famous Dave's for lunch with an ex-coworker.  But I've planned out the meal - not picking the "easy" and "diety" go-to choice of just salad (and wow...you might be surprised at some of those point values on the salads).

I'm having ribs, garlic mashed potatoes, and steamed broccoli.  All for 11 points. 

Tonight?  I'm having baked tortilla crusted tilapia with veggies and couscous.  Or maybe a veggie wrap made with hummus, guacamole, and fresh cut peppers,carrots, and cucumbers in a high fiber fold-up.  I'll decide tonight based on if I want a hot or cold dinner.

I like having a plan.  The engineer in me loves being a bit anal retentive.  But the rebellious teenager in me also loves being able to have variety and tasty food without feeling like I'm on a diet.  I like that I can have both.

What's your plan of attack this week?

Adapt. Grow. Evolve.

Tonight, I'm prepared for a gain.  Perhaps even the full 7.2 pounds that I lost two weeks ago.

Here's the thing.  I totally deserve the gain...just as much as I had deserved the loss up until that point.

I have eaten such vast amounts of crap in the last two weeks...and you know what?  I've felt craptastic.  Completely lethargic, depressed, and funk-i-fied.  The mood started before the food...but let's be honest, the addictive food hasn't exactly helped things, has it?

I've eaten stuff that normally never crosses my threshold and I've eaten it in abundance.

Go figure why the scale simply must read significantly more than it did two weeks ago (last week was MLK and my center was closed).

So what to do?

Well, I COULD eat like complete crap for the next week.  I COULD follow this trend.

Or I could actually eat better and feel better.  I could feel more in control and realize that I am not victim to whatever comes into my mouth. I get to choose what goes there and what doesn't.

Just like I'm not a victim of anything else in my life.

In related news, I'm breaking up with Adele's Album "21."  It's moved past cathartic and into a moping stage for me...and I don't think that it's helping much.  It's powerful.  And sad.  And it's easy to dwell on the things I miss rather than the things I have. 

My gosh. 

Isn't that important anyway?  Rather than focusing on the things we are desiring in our minds (and mouths) that will only lead to unhappiness, let's ingest the things that are in front of us and healthy.

Let's let go of the obsessive thoughts about things that have been and instead focus on the good that is to come.

Adapt.  Grow.  Evolve.

Things I love: Sugar-Free Syrups

Not long ago, I used to frequent my local Starbucks most mornings on my way to work.

I'd get a Skinny Vanilla Latte in varying sizes and it was my own very special treat to start the day.  The skinny latte was less points/calories/fat/sugar than what I could get out of the machine at work.  And since there was no coffee pot where I was living, Starbucks seemed like a viable option.

Is here where I say that I cannot afford daily Starbucks trips?  Okay then.

picture from amazon.com

When I moved into my new place at the end of September, I had a plan.  One of the first things I unpacked was my coffee machine - and the second was opening a box with six different varieties of sugar-free syrups made by Torani.

I LOVE to make my own coffee now.  Sometimes I use flavored coffees (Dunkin' Donuts' Seasonal Vanilla Nut is my current favorite) but I always use a squirt or two of the sugar-free syrups.

First, the variety is nice because it means that it's just one more thing in my day that I get to choose - not have to endure.  I like feeling empowered - and even if it's just with a stupid syrup in the morning, I feel good about getting to pick what I want.

I set up each bottle with it's own pump (I have six bottles but only five pumps - bummer!) and they're neatly stored in my pantry - just waiting to be used. 

I haven't even come close to using even one bottle fully - and since I only have five pumps, I haven't even touched the raspberry flavor.*  So these bottles (at least for me) seem to last a LOOOONG time. Some of the reviews on Amazon indicate that people don't like the Splenda flavor - but I haven't noticed it...probably because I don't use a lot of the syrup...just one pump (or if I'm mixing I use a half pump of one flavor and a half pump of another) in my travel mug is all I need.  They're just a few calories and 0 Points Plus value.

Now, I've read some articles about the benefits of limiting sugar AND sugar-free items from our diets.  I fully believe those studies and claims.  Which is why I try to limit my sugar/sugar substitute intake.  Coffee is one of those things that I love to have just a bit of sweetness in and I don't see myself deviating from that any time soon.

*Sugar-Free Raspberry syrup...yours for the taking for FREE.  Just pay shipping (I have no idea what this would be but it can't be much, right?) and I'll get it to you.  It's never been opened or used...I just don't think I'd enjoy it in my coffee.  Send me an email at happyfunpants [at] gmail [dot]com and I'll be happy to send it to you.

And also? No one from Amazon or Torani knows I'm writing this review.  I wasn't compensated in any way...just wanted to share something that I like. :)

It's funny what dedication can do...

I lost 7.2 pounds this week! :)

I'm super happy right now.  Not because it's a big loss (although, let's be honest, that feels awesome).  Not because it's a lower number (although if my goal is to weigh less, this is a great start).  Not even because I got a five pound sticker.

But because I said I was going to do something and I did it.  Even when it was hard.  Even while having three dates - one of which was to watch the Broncos at our stadium for the playoff win (hello, beer and fatty foods much?).

What I love most is how I feel.  I have more energy and I just feel better inside my own skin.  I'm not as lethargic and I'm sleeping better.

So how'd I do it? 

Well, first, I tracked every single thing I ate.  Even when I overate.  I counted up the points whether I was within my target or not.  I think having to write down every bite helped me be more accountable and mindful of what was going in my mouth.  It made me pause and ask if I was really hungry or if I was feeling something else.

Some days I ate past my points target.  But invariably, the next day I under ate.  Not that it was intentional...it's just the way my body was.  One day I was super hungry and the next I wasn't.

So what'd I learn? 

That I can trust my body.  I still need to eat when hungry.  And I need to stop eating when I'm no longer hungry.  I need to be aware of where my calories are coming from - are they coming from higher protein foods so that I'll be satisfied longer?  Or are they coming from "empty" calories that probably won't last?

I learned that every day, without fail so far, I'm hungry at 10:15 AM.  So I have a snack prepared.  Sometimes it's a hard boiled egg.  Sometimes it's a piece of fruit.  But whatever it is, I have it ready to eat at 10:15.  Trying to white-knuckle it to lunch time leaves me feeling deprived.  Eating a snack mid-morning helps me feel more satisfied at lunch time.

My goal for this next week is to just keep tracking.  Typically tracking isn't my strong point, but I think that it's very helpful to be aware of what is going in my body.  It helps me ask questions like "Is this going to fuel me until I eat again?" "Am I hungry or do I want something else?" "What else have I eaten today that is healthy?"

Those questions (I think) are good no matter what program you're following or implementing.

It's week two of the new year, people.  How are YOU doing?

Review on the new WW Barcode App

About six months ago, I was standing in line to be weighed at my Weight Watchers meeting and a fellow buddy and I were talking about the WW app for our iPhones.

I made the statement that what would be REALLY cool is if you could scan the bar codes on the products and WW would automatically calculate the points. 

Obviously, I don't think that WW is bugging their weigh in lines, but they created the app that I was talking about!

Here's what I know about the app:

1) First of all, it's a separate app.  You have to download it separately. All of the people in my meeting didn't know.  I suspect that has everything to do with the fact that the average person in my meeting is at an age where smart phones aren't exactly "their thing."

2) It works! 

You just align the red bar with the bar code and viola!  It gives you your points plus values in just a few seconds.

I took it to the store last week and used it.  I wanted to get some chocolate pudding from the store and given the nine thousand different varieties, it would've normally taken me a few minutes to enter all the values into my calculator on the app and try to remember which value belonged with which product.  With the bar code scanner, I had my answers within a few seconds and easily picked out the one I wanted.

The cool thing about the scanner is that after you scan the bar code, it actually shows you a mini picture of the product with the description.  It's helpful because it makes it much easier to keep separate items straight when you're comparing points plus values.

To give you an example, I just scanned in my Crystal Light package and put the picture to the right.

Also, if you ever wondered what my keyboard at work looks like, now you know.  See?  I'm a giver.

3) I wish that it was an upgrade to the current WW app and not a separate one.  First, you have to log in every time you use it (the app remembers your user name and password so this isn't a huge deal), but it's just weird that you have to switch back and forth between this app and the regular app to see all of your stuff.

Overall, I'm thrilled with this app and I'm glad that Weight Watchers is striving to make their already award-winning program easier to use.

Get back up!

"Success consists of getting back up just one more time than you fall." -- Oliver Goldsmith

It's one thing to start out the new year saying that you're going to stick to a new game plan.  The fresh vow and promise of a new future are alluring.  And it's exciting to get caught up in the momentum and the thoughts of what could be.

Until you hit your first snag or setback.

Weight loss is simple...but it definitely isn't easy all the time.

Monday night I had plans with a friend for sushi.  I'm not going to lie to you, I ate/drank most of my weekly flext points that night at dinner but it was awesome.  But I tracked all the points.

Tuesday I tracked and stayed within my points range.

But Wednesay night?  That's a whole other story.

It started with me going to Costco this weekend.  I tried a sample of this broccoli slaw salad and although it was heavily dressed, I figured I could just use less dressing.  So I bought the jumbo sized bag.

Well, Wednesday night, I saw the broccoli slaw and thought that that would make a great appetizer.  Only when I looked at the nutrition label I was stumped because the serving size was the whole bag.  And the "bag" included all the veggies, but also dried cranberries, cashews, and the dressing.  I estimated the points to the best of my ability and found that I had already gone over my points for the day.

But I was still sooooo hungry!

So I ate. 

While I think it's good that we eat when we're hungry, I didn't even make the best choices.  Once I realized that I was over my points target, I indulged a bit more. 

I found myself being disappointed.  I didn't even follow the plan two days in a row.  Honestly?  I felt like a failure, if only a little bit.

At the end of the night, I ended up 12 points in the hole for the week.  Especially frustrating since I know that it's going to be difficult to stay within my points range this weekend.

But just like every other day before, the night ended.  And Thursday, in the light of the new morning, I realized I had it in me to stay on track - at least for that day.  Besides, that's all I really have control of anyway, right?  Yesterday has passed.  Today we can start again.

Thursday night ended with me being a bit under points.  Why? Because I wasn't as hungry.

So the thing that I'm happy about today?  Not that I ate less points yesterday than the day before.  Not that I feel so much better today than what I did a week ago by eating less junk.

I'm thrilled that I started over on Thursday morning; I started with the very next meal.  I thought about what might have contributed to my extreme hunger the night before and then I front loaded my day with more protein and points so that I wasn't famished by the time I got home.

I think I'm starting to realize that failure isn't what happens when you fall, it's what happens if you don't get back up.

Things I love: Ice Cubes

People, I'm going to tell you something that you probably already know: I have a sweet tooth.

And unfortunately, I've indulged it VERY OFTEN in the last few weeks.

Christmas candy?  Don't mind if I do!  Baked goods at work?  Yes, please!  And I'm not even going to tell you just how many POUNDS of Skittles I've eaten.

Some of the addiction has been the sugar.  And some of it has been the desire to put something in my mouth and chew it,

I've seen the ads for the Extra Desserts gums and I think I've tried every flavor out there.  Some are WAY better than others (Strawberry Shortcake = pretty good but Key Lime Pie = nastiness).

In my opinion, the Extra Desserts gum flavors fade pretty quickly and they don't have the texture of the gum that is my preference.

But this weekend, when I went to Costco (and did not buy any Skittles), I saw a multi-pack of Ice Cubes made by Ice Breakers.

The flavors that I've tried so far are yummy, they last a long time, and they have more of a springy (traditional smooth gum) texture that I heart.

At 0 calories per cube, they're being my go-to sugar and mouth hungry fix.

Personally, I chew two cubes at a time (I always chew two pieces at a time of pretty much any gum...what?  I have a big mouth!) for maximum awesomeness.

What I also love about the variety pack was the range of flavors...because sometimes I'm wanting something fruity and sometimes having something minty helps me feel more satisfied and finished with my meal.

Like I wrote previously, I know what I have to do to lose the weight.  I just have to do it.  And this is one way to get a sweet tooth or distract my mouth hunger long enough to get past the cravings. 


I don't think cravings are bad or that I should always deprive myself.  But balance is important. With tools like these pieces of gum, I feel like I can be better equipped with choosing which times I want to indulge and which times I don't.

Do you believe?

The topic at my Weight Watcher meeting last night was belief.

As in, the popular quote from Henry Ford: "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.”

I know what my leader was trying to do.  She was trying to get us to harness the Jennifer Hudson or Charles Barkley in all of us...she was trying to help us see that with belief we can do anything!

Only that's not really true, is it?

A 17 year old can believe and harness the power of the universe to get a perfect score on her SATs.  But unless she actually studies and learns the material, she's going to be sorely disappointed with the results.

My point is, the universe and belief can only do so much.  The rest?  It's hard work.

When I joined Weight Watchers in July of 2008, I was emotionally overeating often.  I couldn't stop gaining weight and I felt helpless. 

I changed my behaviors such that I could lose weight.  I monitored every morsel of food that went in my mouth and there were definitely days, weeks, and months where I chose unhealthier options to eat just because they were lower in points.

And then I started to get to a place where I felt good about myself.  I started dating. And then all of my hard work went out the window.

Why? Because my belief system about myself was screwed up.  I hadn't really changed my identity, just my behaviors.

I've been slowly gaining weight for the last year and a half. 

AND I've been working on my own internal belief system.

The result is that I'm heavier but happier.  And while I'd probably take me now over me a year and a half ago, I'm really unsatisfied with how I look, how I move, and how healthy I feel.

Encased in this layer of fat, it's easy for me to look in the mirror and feel discouraged.  I have over 90 pounds to lose.  That's the weight of an Olsen twin!

It feels daunting.  It feels discouraging.

The difference is that this time I do believe that I have cleared enough emotional baggage that I can make it farther than I ever have before.

So all that's left is the doing.

Do I believe that I can keep this weight off for the rest of my life?  No.  But I don't not not believe it either...make sense?

And at this point, I need to just do the work.  I need to count up my points, hold myself accountable, and actually move my body.

I'm a realist.  And one of the biggest motivating factors for me is success.  Because when I succeed, I feel like that's applicable again and again.

I may not believe (yet) that I can keep the weight off for the rest of my life.  But I believe that I have the skills to take off the weight.

What's more, I believe that I'm finally worth it.

Resolutions

This past weekend, I went on a really great and special date with a guy.  I won't write much about him yet, since it was only our second date and I'm not quite sure where things are going, but it was a great time.

Early on in the evening, he asked me if I had any resolutions for the new year.  Practical question, no?  And honestly, I kind of was taken aback...because truthfully, I hadn't even thought about it.

I did say that one of the things I wanted to do more of was volunteer my time with/through organizations that I'm passionate about.  And that's true.  That's something that I really do want to do.

He nodded and then said, "Really?  Nothing else?"

Sure, I knew that I could pepper him with lots of things I wanted to do better...but again, the second date may not really be the place to start unloading your personal baggage.

So I said that 2011 was a year of a lot of change for me.  And that I'd really like to build upon those changes, those positive things that I've done, so that I can end 2012 happier and healthier than I started it.

I'm always reluctant to make New Year's Resolutions...I think, in part, because it feels like I'm making a promise.  I mean, I get it, that's the point.  And yet when it comes down to it, I don't like breaking promises. because then I feel guilty.  And who wants to feel guilty about letting themselves down for not making ENOUGH progress?

Not me.

So maybe that's a good resolution for me: To feel guilty less often.

I asked him what his resolutions were and he actually said, "to lose five pounds."  He said it twice during the evening, but to be honest, I'm not sure where he's going to get the five pounds from.  He looks healthy.  I'm not sure what his motivations are for saying it...if it's something that he really believes or something that he thinks everyone typically says.

Whatever the case, I don't want to lose five pounds this year.  I really do want to lose more.

When he asked me out for NYE, I said yes - I mean, I really couldn't think of anyone I was more interested in.  And then he told me what we'd be doing...going to a fancy steak restaurant and then a trendy party where no casual clothes are allowed.

I'm not going to lie to you, I had a few heart palpitations...I mean, what in the hell was I going to wear?  And since I wasn't told what the plans were until Friday morning, I didn't have a lot of places I could go to find a suitable outfit.

Because the fact of the matter is, I don't fit in the clothes that I have for such occasions, not any more.

And that, my dear friends, is a sh!tty feeling.  As if you don't know.

Eventually I scrounged up something that was suitable from my existing wardrobe, but beforehand, I spent HOURS looking for a cute dress that would leave me feeling sexy and ravishing. 

That dress?  Apparently does not exist in Denver.

I really do hate picking myself apart in the mirrors of dressing rooms.  But that can happen at any size.  So maybe that's a good resolution for me: When looking at myself in a mirror, give myself mental compliments before I become critical of my flaws. 

Tonight I go to my Weight Watchers meeting for the first time this year.  I have no clue if I've gained or lost weight.  I haven't tracked or really paid attention to anything.  So I'm thinking that I'll probably have gained.

BUT today I registered for two races.  One is a 7K, The Runnin' O' The Green held in March.  And the other is the Cherry Creek Sneak, a 5 miler held in April.

I miss running; I miss how good it makes me feel.  That's a good resolution for me: Do more things that make me feel good.

And yet, those three resolutions aren't really getting to the heart of my weight problem.

So I'm going to be bold and say that I want to be dedicated to Weight Watchers and myself again.

I want to clean up my eating.  I want to experiment with more foods.  I want to eat less and move more. 

I want to be thinner.

I want to do this the right way, but that involves holding myself accountable. 

So for me, I've decided to put my weight tracker up, front and center, on my page.  And I'm putting two more up - the countdown to my first 5 pound star of the year and my 10% goal.  I'll put all counters up after I weigh in tonight, so the data is accurate from the get go.

I'm also putting up some reminders in my house and car.  Staying focused on my goals always helps me.

The last piece of the accountability is blogging about it.  Updating my weight loss here, weekly, is going to help me.  It may just be a post script at the bottom of the page, but I'm going to do it. I know that disclosing the numbers will help me celebrate the small losses that I'll have.  It'll build my momentum and my confidence.

If 2011 was a year of changes interally, 2012 can be my year of external changes.  Doing more - to help myself and others is something I have a lot of passion for.  And I can't wait to show it.