To Daris from Oklahoma: I get you

I admit it: I watch "The Biggest Loser."

In fact, since I've moved in with Joe (and thus had to send back my DVR to DirecTV even though I totally bought it two years ago but that's another story) "The Biggest Loser" is the only show I watch any more.

I heart it in a lot of ways.

First, I don't like how contrived the ad placements are. And I'm not a big fan of all of the drama at times. BUT most of the time, their struggles are SO real that I get moved to tears.

You may have noticed during my "award frenzy" the last few days that I favored blogs where the authors are trying to figure out WHY they gained the weight or why it's so hard to take off. I'm sure that I favor these blogs for two reasons 1)that's what I focus on so I really appreciate blogs that do the same and 2) I'm focusing on it because I'm still trying to figure out my "why." If I can read someone else's struggles, sometimes that leads me to my own ah-ha moments. Maybe that's why I like the show so much - it shows REAL people's struggles with control issues, with emotional scars that have kept them overweight, and with unhealthy attitudes towards food. Sometimes I sit watching them and have my own ah-ha moment.

The thing is, as public as this blog is, I can't imagine having my name, my hometown, my face, my fat, and my weight completely public on national TV. Sure, they know what they're signing up for AND there is that small thing of a $250,000 prize. BUT I still think that them being on the show would be hard.

Last week? I totally lost it.

In case you don't watch the show, the last four contestants had to go home for a certain amount of time. After those weeks at home, they had to come back to "The Ranch" (aka the place that they all work out and live at for months) and weigh in one final time. The contestants that lost the most were automatically allowed to go to the next round. The contestants that hadn't lost as much (% body weight) as the others had to plead for America's vote to keep them on the show. The one that gets the most votes gets to come back and compete for the big prize along with the other two that were safe.

All of the contestants have always lost weight at home (apparently even in past seasons). Except one.

Daris from Oklahoma is a young guy - college age. He seems sweet, likable, and a bit introverted. On the show, when he weighed in for the first time (before going to "The Ranch"), he told his hometown that he would make them proud.

He did well - he made it to the final four. He became the runner of the group and finished a marathon in 4 hours.

And yet, when faced with the struggles of being at home, he decided to eat at night. Late at night - we're talking 1 or 2 am. He'd work all day and then cave at night.

The result? He GAINED 2 pounds.

He was crushed. At first, he tried to lie and say it was due to marathon training. But then he came "clean" and said that it was because he ate too much at night. He'd eat bowl after bowl of cereal, countless snacks, and other food.

The part that broke my heart was at the end when he's pleading for America to vote for him but he's crying...because (and this is my inferring here) he doesn't feel like he deserves the chance that he is told by producers to beg for.

And that's when I lost it. I'm sitting on the couch CRYING and trying not to make any noise in our house. I didn't want Joe to come over and ask what was wrong. Because he wouldn't get it.

Joe, at 150 pounds, doesn't understand why anyone would stuff themselves so full of food to numb the voices and the pressure outside his head. He doesn't understand being so dedicated during the day and then "blowing it" at night. He doesn't understand the cathartic feeling of bingeing. He doesn't understand the concept of sneaking food. He doesn't know that overeating is the best way to hurt yourself in some ways. It feels good and absolutely horrible at the same time - it's something I can't explain to someone else who is sane about food. He doesn't understand that addiction.

Maybe you don't either.

So last week as I'm watching Daris cry - pleading for America to give him another chance - I'm sitting on the couch crying silently, clutching my chest because my heart hurts watching that kind of pain manifest itself on someone else's face. My food and my eating is SO very private...even on my blog when I talk about it, most of you guys will never or have never met me. I can be honest and raw. I can admit things and then go back to hiding behind my moniker.

But Daris couldn't.

I don't know what to do to make it better for him, but OH how I want to. Even if I don't know my way out of this overeating dilemma just yet, I want him to get out. I want him to be free of the horrible feelings that overeating creates. I don't want to see another person struggle like I saw him struggle.

Tonight is the finale. And just due to the weight that other contestants still had to lose, I would be willing to bet that Daris won't win.

So, I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to protect him from the countless interviews and reporters (no doubt anorexically thin) that will ask him about his struggle and what he was thinking about during his tearful plea. I don't want him to relive that moment. I don't want any more shame about that moment to be heaped on top of it. I don't want him to have to try to explain himself in a rational way about something that is so irrational. Eating food until you feel like you will burst doesn't make rational sense. So I don't want him to have to divulge all of his mental crap to allow for some reporter to get a 30 second sound bite.

I can't protect him from all of the millions of people who watch this show and think it's funny or pathetic that this guy can't get his act together. I can't stop people from thinking that he won't stop eating because he's lazy. I feel helpless because I can't make people understand something that I don't even understand.

I want to hug him. I want to have him over for dinner. I want to set him up with my friends. I want to babysit his kids. I want to help take care of him. I want to tell him that life doesn't have to be like this. Screw the reporters and naysayers. He can get through this.

I'm not a dummy.

I know that my want to take care of him and protect him mostly has to do with the fact that I can see so much of me in him. I keep the part of me that is like him SO closely guarded that having him put it all out there leaves me feeling exposed and raw. His behaviors are what I have done to feel loved, protected, and valuable. To have someone else attack that or poke at it just because they can, because it will make good news, or because it makes them feel better about themselves is like seeing someone set fire to a puppy. It's unimaginable and causes me great pain to even think about.

It's torture.

Since I can't take care of him and I know that my reaction to his struggle is ME projecting my feelings on him, I'm going to do the only thing I can do.

In lieu of my 3 pound gain from this past week -which, just like Daris', is deserved- I'm going to try to take care of myself more this week. When faced with the option of overeating to the point of pain (which strangely feels good), I'm going to tell myself to put down the food and sleep, get a hug, call a friend, punch a punching bag, go for a run, or do ANYTHING that will actually soothe what is going on with me.

Daris: I get you. And since I can't help take care of you, I'm going to promise to try to take care of me.

In a strange way, I don't want to let you down.


And lest you think it's lost on me, the fact that I'm reacting so strongly to his plight is going to be something that I discuss in detail with my therapist. It's awakened something inside me. My hope is that through exploring this with my therapist, I will get at least some of the answers of why I struggle so much with letting go of the behaviors that keep me overweight.

Sunshine Blog Award (the last of three)

Know what today is?

Today is the day that I finish giving out the awards that I've gotten over the last several months. Because I'm a slacker.

At the beginning of March, I received an award from Kellie over at The Chubby Girl Diaries. I was thrilled to receive the award from her because I really enjoy her blog!


Apparently, you need to have 12 recipients of this award...but because I've already given out 10 so far, I feel silly passing it on to 12 more. In no particular order, here are some bloggers that you might want to check out:

1) My Healthy Living Thru Weight Control: I wrote about her the other day, but Margie is one of my biggest supporters on here. She's a few years older than I am, but she's still putting in the hard work to keep her body healthy. I find that completely inspirational.

2) The Chubby Girl Diaries: Is it bad to give an award back to someone who gave it to you? Probably. It's also a sign that I didn't plan out my previous awards as well as I had thought. So Kellie? You totally can pick whichever award you actually want - you deserve any one you want! :) I enjoy your blog and can't wait to read all of the things that you'll accomplish in this next year. You've worked hard and that hard work WILL pay off.

3) Fat Bridesmaid: I love her humor, her style, and her cute hairstyles. Hers is one of the first blogs I read when I first started and I always enjoy reading what she's up to.

4) Questions for Dessert: She's a wife, a runner, and a person who is trying to be healthier. Scratch that, she IS healthier. I can relate to her so much - and sometimes when I'm running outside or on the treadmill and I want to stop, I ask myself, "What would Krissie do?" And I keep running. She is one tough cookie. Also she has great taste in music.:)

5) Escape From Obesity: I can't say enough about this wonderful woman. First, she's had some crappy stuff happen to her and she persists through it. She's a fantastic mom and great supporter. She had the courage to decide on an eating plan that works for her and follow through - ignoring (or at least not paying too much attention to) the naysayers. It was through reading her blog that I realized that it's okay to be brutally truthful on blogs...and I decided to follow suit. She's SO close to the 199 mark and I will be one of the people cheering the loudest when she reaches it. She is phenomenal. :)

6) Here We Go - Hold On Tight: Lesia has been diagnosed with MS and STILL has lost weight. She spent years in a wheelchair and is happy to be up and walking again (so what's my lame excuse to not work out?). She gives thanks for things that we take for granted and reading a bit about her has made me a more thankful person. She is a very supportive blogger and really does spread sunshine to the people that she communicates with!

7) Running my Mouth: A runner, a bride-to-be, a success story, and an inspiration. I really enjoy reading her blog - especially when she has quotes that make me think about things in a different way.

8) Journeying to Lose 200 Pounds: The Triumph of Perseverance: Another blog I LOVE. She recently came through a rough patch and when I think of her resiliency and her ability to bounce back, I'm just so proud of her! You know how when you read someone's blog and you just KNOW they're a nice person? That's Chubby Chick. She's sweet and I wish I knew her in real life. :)

9) MissPudding's Food Blog: I hesitate to name this one (just as I did on my first award) because I'm not sure how much traffic she actually wants on her blog (the opposite of me!). She's another IRL friend - one that I was lucky enough to meet 15 years ago. What I love about her blog is that she keeps it real - as in really, real. She is delving into the WHY she's overweight and struggles. She is a brilliant, vibrant person - one who you can't help but get swept up in her tornado of activity. I really wish we lived closer.

10) Healthy Stride: Lindsay does SO much to be healthy: losing 100 pounds was just the start. What I enjoy about her story is that she's battling the healthy fight on all levels...she runs, she watches her weight, she takes classes to mix up the exercise, and she has fun with it. I just started reading her blog and I really love it...plus, she does a great job at taking pictures to illustrate her point. I should probably take a pointer or two from her. :)

Alright - go out and enjoy your Monday! No more awards posts for a while - I promise! :)

Oh My Blog Award (The Male Version)

I don't know about you, but I love a good man. And when he has the ability to write well? (swoon)

A few days ago, I was honored with an award over at Sam's (at Believe In Yourself).

As with most awards, it came with some rules:

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER!

Wow. So it's all downhill from here? Yikes.

2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting OMB award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus.
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog. Basically, you’re talking to the camera about whatever.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, makeup, etc) and post it.

Uhh...okay. Since I'm over the age of 18, (a) doesn't exactly appeal to me. They made the soundtrack already to my childhood. It's called "Annie." Exactly like mine, only without Sandy, Daddy Warbucks, an orphanage, and all the singing. But other than that...just like mine. I'm not likely to make a vlog of myself (I can't stand watching them and don't want to put you all through the pain) and first thing in the morning pictures might actually never develop due to the morning breath that accompanies them corroding my camera lens.

So we're left with the most embarrassing thing. Since this is a healthy living blog, I'll make it my most embarrassing thing related to my efforts of getting healthier.

Last year, I started most mornings with a run in the neighborhood where I used to live. It was a great chance to start my day "right." One beautiful morning, I had a particularly great run. As I'm finishing my run, and trying to cross the street, I could've sworn that I heard someone yell "Anne!"

So I, still running, turn to see who was calling me...but I couldn't see anyone who looked like they were trying to get in touch with me...

...and then I ran into a parked car.

I'm not kidding. I wasn't looking where I was going (obviously) and just smacked right into the side of a van. I felt SO stupid, but I was so thankful that it was early in the morning so it's not like the owner would've seen me or anything. But as I passed the drivers window, I realized that the motor was on. I turned around and saw a person in the front seat looking completely confused.

I smiled, waved, and kept running.

Because seriously, what else could I do?

3. Pass this award onto at least 3, but preferably more, awesome bloggers as yourself. Don’t forget to tell them.

Since I'm supposed to give it to three, people, I figured I'd give it to the three guys whose blogs I read.

1) Jack Sh*t Gettin' Fit - Has anyone heard of this guy? :) Alright, he may be one of the most popular male health bloggers EVER, but if that's the case, it's for a good reason. His posts are motivational, funny, uplifting, and well written. As my mom would say, he's a good egg.

2) Stages of Change - I'm not sure where I found his blog, but I LOVE it. He's very motivational and doesn't sugar coat things. I wish he'd post more. Just read his post about the Pine Box Derby and see if you don't get chills...

3) Fit With A Purpose - Last but not least is this blogger. I'm sad to say that he's been a follower of mine for a little while and I just started reading him back a few weeks ago. I'm sorry that I didn't read him earlier. He's a runner (and a great one at that) and he's on his on quest to be healthier.

Now go out there, and hug a man. If you don't have a man of your own, smile at one. If you don't "swing" that way, pet a dog. :)

Beautiful Blogger Award & Seven Things You Didn't Know About Me

I don't know about you, but one of the hardest compliments (and yet, one of my favorites) for me to receive is when someone says that I'm beautiful. I can think of about 15 things in a minute that I don't like about myself, so when Margie over at My Healthy Living Thru Weight Control gave me the Beautiful Blogger award I was both thrilled and amazed.

She gave me that award on January 20th of this year. So you know, I'm just a little over 4 months late.


This award is apparently given in sevens:

1) Project Look Good Naked - This first blogger is relatively new to the blogger side of things...but the courage that she has shown by blogging about very real issues in her life makes her truly beautiful to me. I love reading her blog. Because she also lives in Denver, I was lucky enough to find out that she's smart, sarcastic, and sweet in real life. And holy moly her eyes are to die for!

2) Thufferin' Thuccotash - This blogger is one great lady and one that I've been lucky enough to have bonded with - even if it's over a few states. She's survived cancer, lymphedema, and her husband dying. If you want to find strength, read her blog. Plus, her humor is FANTASTIC. :)

3) Scribbing In The Margin - I can't say enough about this other IRL friend. She is such a wonderfully giving person. She recently elected to have Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) and is blogging through her reaching milestones (hello! She just lost 100 pounds!) and some struggles that she's encountered along the way. Her effervescent humor and ability to keep it real at the same time are things that I really enjoy.

4) 1/2 an Amy - An old college friend who is discovering herself and all the things that she can accomplish. Recently divorced and realizing that she is truly one fantastic and strong lady.

5) Becoming an Ex Yo-Yo Dieter - This blogger is seriously beautiful. I haven't been following her for a long time, but her perseverance to do the things that we all know she can do is absolutely beautiful to me. Her insight into herself makes her successful - no matter what her weight.

6) Believe in Yourself - This blogger is a new one to me, but I really think that it's great that she's finding out that she can do great things - not only by herself but with the help of others.

7) The Pursuit of Healthyness - Last but not least, this blogger is one who is doing the same thing I am - trying to be healthier mind, body, and spirit. She has the courage to look inside herself to realize what it is that she wants to do to get to where she wants to go. I love that she's trying to be more mindful about her own life and trying to figure out why she struggles with the stuff she does. I can't believe she doesn't have more followers - I really love her writing.

And now, seven things you may not know about me:

1) I have a Slanket and I LOVE it. Seriously, I was that person that laughed at the commercials too (although in fairness, the commercials are for a Snuggie, not a Slanket - the Slanket is much better). It's the best invention in the world and although I'm semi-embarrassed of it, I wouldn't part with it willingly.

2) I'm the middle child of three girls. Growing up, we never even had a male animal. My dad was always outnumbered.

3) I love logic puzzles. You know, the things that say "Sam is taller than Phil, but not as tall as Pheobe who is 9 inches shorter than Zeke and half as tall as Bud" and then you have to rank them in order. I LOVE LOVE LOVE those things.

4) I hate beans. I wish I didn't because they're a great source of protein, nutrition and blah blah blah, but really, I just don't like them.

5) I love Converse shoes. Currently, I have a pink pair that I'm really enjoying a lot. Even though I may be too old to wear them (or too uncool or too...well...anything) they make me happy.

6) I have a GIANT dog at home. Her name is Chassis and she is almost the tallest dog in the world. The tallest dog, according to Guinness, is 43 inches tall from his shoulders to the floor. My dog? 42 inches tall (measured in the same way). She turns five on Tuesday. :)

7) I wear funky socks. If I can, I wear socks with stripes, dots, argyle prints, or some other random pattern on them. The only time I don't wear socks like these are when I'm running (because then I wear good running socks). No one usually ever sees them and they always match the color shirt that I'm wearing, but I wearing them makes me feel like I'm funky, fresh, hip, fly, or whatever the kids are saying these days.

Eesh. That took longer than I thought... Well, I'm off to another mindful eating/mindful yoga class, so I'll have to post the two other awards posts later.

Linky Love

I'm about to do something that is so overdue even I'm embarrassed at the lateness.

I'm about to finally hold up my end of the bargain for blogger awards that I've gotten...be prepared for three posts in a row...because that's how I roll on Saturdays apparently. :)

But before I do that, I want to pass on that my friend (yay!) Katy over at Project Look Good Naked is hosting a Biggest Loser type challenge. It'll be about three months long and the buy-in is $10. I don't know about you, but I pay $10 WEEKLY to go to my Weight Watchers meeting, so a $10 buy-in for three months worth of motivation is pretty good.

I admit, I don't think I'm going to win. But then, I smacked myself upside the head (virtually) and thought about my recent post about really trying things. WHY NOT TRY?

So, I signed up and am really looking forward to seeing what I can accomplish.

Check out her blog and join if you're interested.

I think I can, I think I can...

I used to think that when I would FINALLY get to be thin, my world would be happier - just like in the movies: birds would chirp all around me, the love of my life would awaken me with a deep sleep with a kiss, my boss would finally realize my value (and give me a big raise), and I would never have to deal with bad drivers again.

As it turns out, that's not true. After losing almost 55 pounds (again), the one thing I can tell you FOR SURE is that when you're shrinking in size, your problems don't go away. Stress still happens, people still let you down, and you still have to work. Sometimes you have to work for a complete jerk-face, like I do.

So, I run.

Most days I run to stay in good health or to just get out and clear my mind. But every now and again, I run because I get SO stressed with what is going on at work that I need something to dissipate the stress.

The thing is, while I was making some great improvement in my pace during the first 7 months of my running, I kind of hit a plateau. It seemed that I could never get under the pace of 10'45" a mile. My goal has been to run a 10'00" mile and just stay there. But, I figured my extra weight was slowing me down, so I just dealt with it, figuring that I'd be stuck there for the rest of my life I'd get to my pace goal eventually.

Last week, after working 13 hour days, I went to our workout room at the building where we live. It was snowing outside (hello, Colorado weather!) but I knew that I just needed to burn off the extra stress.

So, I climbed on the treadmill and I put the pace on 5.7 mph as I usually do to start out. After a minute or two, it felt like it wasn't fast enough. I can't explain it any other way other than to say that I just wanted to GET AWAY from everything - from all my stresses. I didn't want to think about anything. I just wanted to feel mad, to push myself, and (if this makes sense) to just concentrate on my breathing and not worry about the piles of stuff I still had left to do at work. So, I bumped it up to 6.0 mph and kept it there for the duration of my run. I got off the treadmill, sweating as I haven't in a long time, and was proud of myself - I had run the last 2 miles at 10'00" a mile.

Monday, in the middle of another stressful day, I opted to run at lunch. It was in the 70s that day and I set off to run for 30 minutes. I didn't know where I would run to, but I figured I'd run until I hit the halfway point (which Nike+ will announce) and then turn around and go back.

When I completed my run, I saw that I had run 3 miles in under 30 minutes.

While I'm proud of my recent boost in running pace (very, VERY proud), I feel like it's just another representation of something that I actually CAN do, but didn't really think I could do.

I thought that I would be capped at 10'45"/mile for a long time. Maybe forever.

As it turns out, all I had to do was put forth my energy - all of my energy at the time - towards my goal. I was capable all along.

And that gets me thinking about all of the things I've told myself throughout the years that I can't do, when really, I probably can do them. What else am I not accomplishing just because my mind is getting in the way?

Wearing tank tops with confidence tops the list at the moment, but I'm working on that one.

Getting under 200 pounds is another one, but I'm slowly chipping away at that too.

So, I'm asking you...

If you knew you couldn't fail, what would you try to do?

A little progress is STILL progress

Monday night I went to my Weight Watchers meeting and was down 0.4 pounds. I personally believe that I'm down more than that - as my clothes are fitting so much looser these days (hello, NOTCH THREE! I'm talking to you!). Maybe I weighed heavier yesterday because of food, water, or clothes...but whatever it is, I'm confident that next week will pick up what this week's scale didn't measure.

Several people, independent of each other, told me that I was looking significantly thinner than what I have been looking like. I know that feeling lighter isn't just in my head.

So a 0.4 pound loss? Yeah, I'll take it.

It's movement in the right direction, and it's re-enforcement that what I'm doing by listening to my body is right.

I'm almost embarrassed to tell you, but this is the FIRST time I've lost three weeks in a row in over a year.

(sigh)

I've written about this before, but I've taken the past year to get my head right (or at least more right than what it was before!) so that I can have a happier and healthier life. I want to be happy and healthy in my mind, body, and spirit.

It's been a long time coming, but the trend line of progress is finally facing in the right direction.

I'm writing this to celebrate my success, but also to motivate those who haven't seen much scale movement in a while.

Keep at it. Trust yourself to figure out what is going to work for you. The best way you can do that is by trial and error sometimes. It's discouraging, sure. It's disheartening. But when you FINALLY get the "right" tool/mindset for you, it's worth it.

Never, never give up; there is a healthier you just around the corner.

Friends and followers

Today I'm a bit nervous; I'm meeting a blogging buddy for the first time.

To be clear, I hide behind the moniker of Happy Fun Pants for a reason. Some of the things that I write about here are private...you know, so private that I share it with complete strangers for all the world to see. :) But other than three or four people, no one who reads this KNOWS me in real life.

I suppose having the anonymity is helpful. It allows me to be 100% honest. It allows me to get all of the thoughts out of my head in a healthy way. But sometimes? The truth is ugly. It's hard to write. It's hard to admit and it's hard to just put it out there for someone to read. I know you know what I mean.

One of my first followers on this blog is POD. When she started reading me, I was writing often on my other blog (aptly named "From The Mixed Up Files of Happy Fun Pants"). I used that blog to be funny, to be sarcastic, to keep up with friends, and did I mention to be funny?* It was a great representation of how I wanted the world to see me: confident, available, funny, and optimistic. Truthfully, it's the version of me I've always tried to portray. But inside? I've struggled with feeling fat, stupid, shameful, and doomed for failure. Cue Smokey Robinson singing "Tears of a Clown"...

The first few months I had this blog, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't market it at all. So when POD found me, I was basically just writing for me - to get the thoughts out of my head. I remember one time she wrote to me and said something like "[Smaller Fun Pants] seems more real, more authentic." It was one of the first times that I thought that I - who I am truly on the inside - might actually be worth something.

In the last year, since my blog has been more public, I've gotten a lot of followers and a lot of support. My post from yesterday shows how supportive you guys are of me and my life. And I hope you know (although I'm HORRIBLE about leaving comments on others' pages...but am trying to get better) how much your support and your comments mean to me.

I was thrilled when I opened up my Blogger account this morning, I saw that I have 60 (SIXTY!) followers. I have more readers than that (because not everyone has a blogger account and CAN be a follower), but seeing that there are at least 60 people who care about me and think that what I write is worthy to check out on a regular basis is so motivating. I feel great - and I have you to thank for this wonderful feeling. THANK YOU!

So back to tonight...

Meeting someone who reads my blog, knows that I have issues with food and eating, and doesn't know the funny, sarcastic side of me is a little weird. The person I'm meeting with, Katy at Project Look Good Naked, seems like someone I'd genuinely like to be friends with. Don't tell her, but I'm excited and a bit nervous. I guess I feel like I've won most people in my life over with my funny and bubbly demeanor. Katy? She doesn't know that side of me (yet)...but she still wanted to meet. It's a bit backward. Usually people REALLY have to get to know me to know my hurts, my issues, and my innermost thoughts. Katy knows all of that but doesn't know some pretty basic stuff about me. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it will be fine...it's just something I'm currently having a hard time grasping.

But overall, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that because both she and I sought out ways to encourage healthy mindsets and behaviors when it comes to food and eating, we are able TO meet. I'm thankful for the internet and forces that linked us together and I hope that we'll continue to be a source of encouragement and support for each other - no matter what happens tonight.

*Funniest posts are:
At least my hair looks cute
I'm not a bad driver, I'm just really good at Frogger.
My Facebook Friend Could Be Jesus (or maybe a Werewolf)
The Pack Mentality
More Fun Than You Can Shake A Baby At

Just don't check out the recent stuff...it's been pretty lame lately - my focus has been on this blog.

NSV - on a Monday :)

Mondays kind of suck. At least they can. For most of us, it means that we have to go back to work - and that our weekend (and free time) is over.

Work has been really stressful recently. It's been this giant drag on my life and I'm trying to figure out how I want to get out of my current situation...I was REALLY looking forward to the weekend.

Unfortunately, life had other plans. I had a pretty crappy weekend. I don't feel like getting into it yet, but let's just say it was crappy, non-rejuvenating, stressful, and that I didn't get half of the stuff that I wanted done. My life, in many ways, got flipped upside down. I'm currently trying to repair the damage. It'll take a while.

Perhaps needless to say, I was less than thrilled when I realized that this weekend was over and that I had to go back into work (and into another stressful situation). But as you know, sometimes life is just like that.

This morning I got ready with less enthusiasm than normal. I put on my clothes in my normal fashion, but was delighted when I felt something different when putting on my clothes. I checked and re-checked...but kept seeing/feeling THIS:

In case you can't tell, that's me. Or rather, that's a picture of my clothes. :) Including my belt. Which is on the third notch from the end.

I showed Joe this morning as he was getting ready and he said, "That's great honey" and continued shaving.

"No, Joe. It's fantastic. My belt is on NOTCH THREE!", I replied.

He kept replying that it was good and I kept saying "Notch Three!" until finally he asked if I couldn't hear that he was saying that it was good.

My reply? "Oh. I can hear you. I'm just telling myself over and over again because I can hardly believe it."

My belt has not used this notch EVER. I haven't been this thin in years. And for the past year, I've stayed at the same weight and size - trying to fix myself mentally before I moved on.

I'm finally moving on.

My belt, at notch three is comfortable. I just finished my breakfast and it's still comfortable.

My life hasn't gotten less stressful - in fact, it's gotten more stressful. Things aren't easier. But I'm taking care of myself.

I'm losing weight.

I'm listening to my body.

I feel amazing.

I'm successful.

It feels great to write those things and actually mean them.

P.S. NOTCH THREE! :)

Repeat after me: "I love my weight."

One of the gifts that I specifically asked for for my birthday was Louise Hay's Healthy Body Cards.

I first saw them at the "Mindful Yoga - Mindful Eating" class that I attended back in February (I blogged about it here). Each participant took turns reading the front and the back sides of the cards while in a yoga pose...and then we took a few tries at other yoga poses while thinking about what was on the card.

I loved that concept - that I could concentrate on a part of my body or an aspect of my body and honor it. Each part of me wants to be taken care of and it serves a purpose. The parts work together to make my body do things it's always wanted to.

I loved the idea of waking up in the morning, reading the card, and then thinking about what that meant to me while showering. I asked my mom for these cards and was thrilled to start using them on the day after my birthday.

So far, it's been a great way to start the day being mindful about my body. It's been a great way to think about how I can show myself more love. Even when I feel unloveable, how can I hate my spleen? It sounds silly, when I put it that way...so I've decided that on days when I feel unloveable, I can celebrate my own parts and at least work to honor them.

Today's card was this:

It reads: "I am the perfect weight for myself at this moment. Yet I have the ability to change my weight if I desire. I am free."

The back of the card simply reads:


"I love my weight."

It's the last line on the front of the card that gets me: I AM FREE.

And we are free - free to make our own choices, free to love our bodies, and free to celebrate in them.

More importantly, we don't need this weight to protect us from whatever feelings or actions we've been afraid of. The extra weight I have? It's what I've had most of my adult life...it represents a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, and a lot of abuse - both from other people and myself.

The beauty of life is that, barring any medical conflict, we can let this weight - and all it symbolizes - go.

We are, quite simply, free.