It's a new dawn, it's a new dayyyyyyyyyy

Isn't this a weight loss blog?  I thought so.  Then let's get to it, shall we?

Monday night, Weight Watchers unveiled it's new and improved plan.  And apparently, it meant that the smaller ladies in our group had their points decreased...and I couldn't believe how upset people were (but that's a different rant for a different day).

At any rate, as my leader was talking about the changes, and people were complaining or getting cranky, I had sort of an out-of-body experience.

I realized that I have been sitting in the same seat, making jokes, being supportive, and yet pretty much at the same weight for the last 6 months, give or take a few pounds.

And as I sat there, I realized that if I didn't change something NOTHING (including my weight) was going to change.

The magic isn't in the meetings - it's in the actions. 

Well, DUH.

My weight was down over two pounds each of the last two times I weighed in.  And that included the week of Thanksgiving.  Where I was at my mom's the whole time. Where there were candy bars, a day where I didn't get out of my fun pants, and fatty foods.

But I lost 2 pounds over Thanksgiving week.  How?  Well, I ramped up my activity.  And I ate when I was hungry and didn't eat when I wasn't.

So this brings me back to my age old dilemma of:

Do I practice intuitive eating or do I count points?

The last time I counted points, religiously, was 6 months ago.  Know what I was doing then?  LOSING WEIGHT.

The last time I practiced intuitive eating I lost weight.

So pretty much both approaches work.  And it's about darn time that I stop trying to force myself into anything.*  And THAT is one of the reasons why I really do like the new plan.  You can switch from "Simply Filling" (i.e. an intuitive eating type approach) to the points plan daily and vice versa.

So here's what I've decided - at least for this week.  I'm going to pay attention to my body and eat foods that are good for me when I'm hungry.  And I'll go ahead and count the points to see how it matches up.

Last night, I met up with a good friend for what was supposed to be just drinks and maybe dinner.  It turned into an appetizer, a small portion of dinner, and a LOT of beer.  But it was exactly what I wanted at the time.  I had an awesome time...and after being brushed off by the douche canoe, I enjoyed every moment of it.

This morning, I counted up the points and realized that I used almost all of my weekly points.  Eh.  That's what they're for, right?

I feel good about the things that I can control and good about the things I can't.

I actually feel at harmony with things in my life...and I know that when I feel at peace, my eating is cleaner and much easier.

The whole health concept...there just might be something to it. :)

*OMG.  Seriously?  I heart this sentence.  It's applicable to every area of my life.

Well, that sucked.

Know how people are all, "Give nice guys a chance?" 

For the past 15 years, thought I did... but I guess I never really did.  The last few months, I've had an opportunity to look back at the guys I've chosen routinely and realized that they've all had some serious issues right from the get go. 

The ones I've picked to stay with had issues with intimacy, issues with their moms, issues with their dads, or issues with me.  But in all cases, they strummed a chord right on my heart strings - that chord being: "Stay.  Help Me.  Fix me."

And apparently that chord always works with me.

In truth, it doesn't mean that they weren't nice, but it does mean that they had some red flags.

So each time, when something ended, I found myself inching the door to the possibility of a lasting love a little more closed.  I have believed that those dreams - those nice things - weren't for me. 

The guys I passed up?  They were the nice ones.  The guys who treated me the way I should be treated - right from the get go.  But the chord that they strummed never seemed melodic to me. I chalked it up to the chemistry not being there and moved on.

Ending the relationship with Joe, was a great time to realize that the problem wasn't with ME.  It's with the people I've continually picked.  Which, okay, WAS with me.  But hopefully you get what I mean.

I took the time to re-calibrate my heart strings. And I realized that the ones that called for help weren't quite as melodic as I had thought.  And the ones that offered genuine feelings of happiness and love sounded better than I ever believed.

So this past month, when I had the opportunity to really look love in the eyes, I did.

It started with a wonderful question - something along the lines of "Are you ready, really ready to be in love?  Are you ready in your heart and your mind?"

I looked within me, brushed off my newly re-vamped heart strings, and answered, "Yes."

And it was WONDERFUL. The act of falling in love is an amazing feeling.  It's fast, it's all consuming, and it feels beautiful.  Like my blinders have been ripped off my eyes - and now I could start to see life's full beauty - which includes ME.

I found myself peering through the crack in the door to lasting love.  I found myself lured by it's charm.  I started to (gasp!) hope.  And when my brain tried to tell my heart to slow down, I reminded it that THIS type of story happens to others.  Why not me?  Why not us?  Why not now?

We even said several times that it felt like we were 15 again - to feel like the whole world was ahead of us and that we could figure out anything that came our way.

To me, it felt like the first part of a drop on a roller coaster ride.  I was scared, white-knuckling it...until something inside me encouraged me to just let go; to just enjoy it.

And oh, how I enjoyed it.  Because that feeling?  It's amazing; intoxicating; heart-stoppingly beautiful.

Until it wasn't.

Realistically, I've recounted the weirdness of what happened many times with my friends and they all believe that something is clearly going on with him.  And from the stories he told me about some of the girls that he met, they all reacted with similar disbelief when things ended.  Judging from the outside looking in, this seems to be his MO.

So, logically, I know it's not me.  Or maybe it is.  But I know that even if his opinion of me and us changed that quickly, it doesn't have anything to do with me.  Yeah, yeah...maybe he got scared...but maybe he was just playing me.  Maybe he's just damaged goods with entirely too high of standards.  No matter how hard I try, I can't figure out what happened.

Because to me, even if I got weird vibes or mixed messages, I'd want to ride the roller coaster again.

But eesh.  It still hurts.  Just like the heartbreaks of 15 year olds.

So how is it that I'm more upset about things ending with a man that I haven't known nearly long enough than ones that I've stayed with for entirely too long?

Because my heart strings strummed a song that seemed to be in tune with his (and even I puked in my mouth with how cheesy that sounded).  But that tune? It was one of the most amazing things I've felt and heard.

So here I am.  Sad, disappointed, and hurt.  Maybe this is the rebound relationship effect.  Or maybe it's because we really could've made it work.

But I do know this: I need time to repair the damage - to re-tune my heart strings and repair my pride.

So that the next time a nice guy asks if I'm really ready - for love and all the wonders it holds - I'll have the courage to say yes.  I'll have the courage to walk through that door, down the aisle, and wherever else that path leads.

An attempt to update

I’m going to be honest with you…I’m not even aware of where to start.

So many changes have happened in the last few months – each deserving of their own post – and since I haven’t taken the time to write about them, it’s hard for me to figure out how to update you and still write about what’s relevant to you and the content of this blog.

I’ve decided to do things the most efficient way possible:

1) I have a cat. I KNOW! I’m that girl that said she’d never get cats. Only I also am that girl that has a hard time saying no to people that ask for help – especially when it involves animals. In July, I became the owner of Zoe – a 5 pound ball of fluff. She’s sweet, little, and more comforting than I ever thought that cats could be. And yes, I have allergies. Why should that stop me from getting a cat? Clearly it shouldn’t.

2) I’ve started running again with some regularity (meaning not going weeks between runs). Finally. I’ve missed it. I’m slower than I ever thought that I would be…probably has something to do with the extra weight I’m carrying since I was really into it. But you know? We all have to start somewhere….or rather, we all have to start back somewhere.

3) I’ve been dating. Actually, I’ve been dating kind of a lot. This is probably the top reason why posting here has been virtually non-existent. But the dating? It’s been such a fabulous experience!

I think I enjoy it so much more because I know more who I am and what I am looking for. I have a positive sense of self and it makes dating so much easier and so much more fun. Gone are the days/nights where I sit and wonder what he’s thinking and whether or not he’s into me.

It’s like I’m my very own chapter of “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

The guys that show interest and then fade away? I let them. I don’t need to chase them. At the risk of sounding cocky, if they don’t recognize the quality now, then I don’t want them either.

The guys that stop asking questions and showing a strong interest in getting to know me? Forget it! I’m happy to be reciprocating of the intentions that are bestowed upon me. So if they start showing that they’re lacking in things to ask for/about, I’m just fine with also stopping the getting-to-know-you process too.

Bad kissers? Next!

Guys who just want to get in my pants? Of COURSE they do! My pants are fun! But that’s not all that I’m looking for. If they’re not making a serious effort to get to know my mind and not just my body, I feel comfortable with showing them the door. Sometimes, literally.

Dating this way is WAY more fun. And it’s much more linked to healthy lifestyles than I normally would’ve thought. If I’m not having fun, I stop.

And in the end, I’ve gone out with some really great people. It’s been great to get to know several different men and to figure out who meshes with me the best. I also think that it makes me a much more fun date.

The feeling of being pursued, desired, and valued is wonderful.

And I’m freakin’ lovin’ every minute of it.

4) As far as weight…I’ve been losing. It’s so much more fun and it feels easier than what it has been in a long time. I’ll expound more on this later (because hello, isn’t that kind of the point of this blog?), but suffice it to say, things are going well in this department as well.

5) The house: It’s starting to come together. Honestly? I love it more every day. This weekend I’ve got some decorating planned and am super excited to clear some things off my to-do list.

Hopefully with these topics covered – even if just partially – it’ll be easier for me to come here and update more often.

A New Year's Resolution

It didn't hit me until just a few moments ago, that a year ago, I had abdominal surgery to remove a very large uterine fibroid.

A year ago, I walked into the hospital full of hope (that they wouldn't end up doing a hysterectomy and that I wouldn't die) and more than a little trepidation of the healing to come.

Well, here I am, a year later, and I have the same emotions - just the subject and the location have changed.

I spent the last thirty minutes or so looking over pictures from the last year.

And since we're all friends, I'll admit that I've gained weight.  The number is actually around 20 pounds.  But by looking at pictures, it seems that I've gained it all in my face, my neck, my belly, my butt, my...okay then, I see it everywhere in the pictures I just glanced through.

And oy vey does it suck to look at pictures of yourself and realize just how much ground you've lost. I feel like I'm starting all over in so many areas of my life and it's a daunting feeling.  I just asked myself, "Self...it's just you and me.  Do you really want to add another thing that you're starting over again with?"

I took a few seconds to think about it, but the answer was still yes!

I'm not waiting for January 1st to start anew.  The last 365 days have been filled with a lot of pain, emotionally and physically.  I've had a lot of new beginnings - a new job, a new home, a new single life.  I've had a lot of losses - my relationship, my grandmother.  I've celebrated a lot - a successful surgery, my little sister's wedding, and me getting through some really rough months of therapy.

But if I'm to be 100% honest, I'm fully ready to put this year to bed.   I'm ready to put it behind me, to acknowledge the things that I've learned and to mourn the stuff that I've lost.

And I'm ready to get my self-confidence back.  I'm ready to feel powerful while running again.  I'm ready to try new foods, new recipes, and to practice restraint when it comes to eating.

After a year of feeling anything but sexy, I'm ready to bring the sexy back.

A year ago, I felt broken going into surgery.  I'm sad to say that that feeling hasn't really left me after all this time - not really.  It's felt like one thing after another for the past year.  I've felt like other things and other people have ruled my life. 

Isn't it time I take my life back? 

Aren't I worth eating healthy foods - foods that fuel my body rather than ones that numb the pain I've been feeling? Aren't I worth getting up an extra 45 minutes in the morning to go for a quick run?  Aren't I worth saying nice things to myself rather than inwardly groaning at my appearance in the mirror?

I want to believe the answer is yes; I've worked hard in in therapy to learn that the answer is yes.

So starting tomorrow (which, by my clock is in about 10 minutes), I'm going to start living like it.

Here's to a year of new beginnings, of shedding fear and old beliefs, and of choosing to believe in me.

Who's with me? 

Cliches

It’s probably been a long time coming, but Joe and I have officially broken up.

Like I wrote in my post “Making Room”, there were a few ways this could go.

“So will we keep dating? Maybe. Will we live together again? Maybe. Will we break up? Maybe. Will we part ways and never speak again? Maybe. Will this all get figured out and we'll live happily ever after? Maybe. Will we each meet someone else to spend the rest of our lives with? Maybe.”

And I’m so sad to have it end the way that it did. It was pretty sucky and it was difficult to not be able to have the closure that I so would’ve wanted.

In the end, I didn’t get to tell him anything that was in my heart. All he heard was that I felt like we were more like friends than anything else and he bolted.

Over two months ago, I wrote this regarding our relationship:

“Can you see why this is a tough decision? So no, I’m not going to make any rash decisions. I owe it to myself to not do that. Because if you’re anything like me, you know that after you end a relationship, it’s easy to second guess all the decisions you’ve ever made. It’s easy to see all the ways you were intolerant of someone else’s flaws. It’s easy to blame yourself for throwing away a perfectly good relationship. What I want to do is explore all the possibilities, try all the ways I can, collect data (hello, I’m an engineer), and understand how I feel. That way I know that in the wee hours of the night when “The Voice” tells me how stupid I was and how much being alone sucks, I can whisper back that I made the right decision and that time heals all wounds.”

Tuesday night, “The Voice” told me that I was a horrible person and that I wouldn’t find anyone else who was as marvelous as Joe. It told me that I was heartless and that I wanted too much. Because the truth is, I didn’t want to break up Tuesday night. But I did want to tell the truth about how I felt.

At one point, I knew I could’ve said some things to make it hurt less. I could’ve said that I wasn’t 100% certain that the love was lost. I could’ve said that I still wanted to try more. Those things would’ve been truths. But would they have just delayed the inevitable? Would they have made it hurt worse for him in the end? Maybe. So I swallowed those words and let nature take its course.

One thing lead to another and now yours truly is single.

He’s asked that I not contact him in any way. He’s removed me as a friend on Facebook (which we never communicated there anyway) and removed me from other shared applications that we had.

He has, effectively, removed his love.

While that’s perfectly normal, it is terribly triggering. And yet, I am reminded that I have my own truth inside my body.

I have a womb that wants to bear children. I have a heart that can mend and eventually love again. My mind knows that I tried everything within my power to make this work. My feet are firmly planted on the ground and my arms can hug the husband I’ll eventually have.

It feels in some ways like a deep cut. At first, all you can think about is the pain. Eventually, I know that I’ll be reminded of the cut whenever it hurts. I’ve been through this before and know that the cut is the hardest part…and that all that’s left is the healing.

Because as I wrote, time does heal all wounds.

But oh, how I miss my best friend.

Accidentally finishing a 5K

Folks, the last time I ran was in June.

As in four months ago.

As in I’ve been dreading the first run back because I knew I would feel sluggish and my pace would be a far cry from where it used to be.

But one of the things I LOVE about my new place is how close it is to a lake and a few parks.

The lake I’m closest to is called Sloan Lake and it’s about three miles around. Sunday morning I decided that I would walk and run the circumference of the lake – you know, to get back in my groove.

Less than three miles? I can do that. No problem. Only I didn’t factor in the distance to and from the lake. Nor the heavy construction that left the paved path detouring through neighborhoods.

And I didn’t know that there was a race that morning; one that I apparently joined halfway through. I got to cross a finish line with lots of applause and then looks of confusion as I kept running past the volunteers.

At the end of the day, I ran a bit over 4 miles and I’m happy to say that I ran more than I walked.

My next 5K will be the Turkey Trot in El Paso on Thanksgiving morning. I ran it 2 years ago and my goal is to just run the whole thing and to try to forget about the time, pace, and where I used to be.

It’s where I am now that matters, right?

Home

Lots of things in my life have helped me feel a bit turned upside down.

For starters, I did close on my house at the end of September. But trying to make the closing date 3 weeks after the date of the offer was pure silliness in this day and age. I found out the day before that I was approved to close the next day – literally at the last minute. My credit worthiness wasn’t a factor, but because of programs like the Patriot Act, every deposit and every money exchange needs to be scrutinized to the nth degree. On one hand, I get that their diligence might stop or dissuade someone else, but on the other hand, it sure was a pain to go through.

Part of my kitchen; the freezer is next to the stove and the
refrigerator is on a completely different wall.

The day of closing brought excitement and then disgust as I realized that the previous owner opted to not clean anything, to leave a full fridge and freezer full of expired items (like gallons of milk and rotting meat) and take out that should’ve been taken out. He filled the recycling bin with linens and broke countless glasses in the alley. He left debris everywhere and when he took his art (that had been stuck up with double-sided tape), he removed patches of paint as well. There were a few nice things that he left, like cleaning supplies (perhaps he didn’t know what to do with them?) and rugs that I wasn’t expecting. The main bathroom shower rod was broken such that the only way to fix it is with clear sided tape. And no, without getting into it, buying a new rod won’t work.

Nothing like buying a new home and then immediately feeling an immediate dampening because the place looks like some sort of feral child used to live there…

Less than 24 hours passed and I had a leak from the upstairs bathroom to the downstairs bathroom through the air vent. The leak has been fixed, but I’m now a proud owner of a giant hole in the closet of the bathroom (to get to the leaky pipes). I had another leak (this time from the downstairs shower) this past weekend; but I ended up trouble shooting and then fixing it myself.

Home Depot and I are becoming fast friends. But the relationship is one I’d rather put a stop to because it’s kinda’ pricey.

Having said that, I’ve had a few friends over (one couple were so nice and GAVE me a lawn mower and the other brought a huge bottle of wine that I’m determined to finish) and it has felt marvelous. I’m sure everyone says “Oh, I like your house!” to be nice…but because this house is the culmination of a journey that I have been on for weeks, months, and years, it feels awesome to have my choices enthusiastically supported.

Each box I unpack helps me feel more connected with what my life has been and currently is. For the most part, these things have been packed up for the last year and a half, but some items were moved from my garage in 2007 and then never unpacked in the place I moved into last. So re-opening those boxes and tubs are like meeting up with an old friend.

Even with the leaks, the paint jobs that desperately need to happen, and my dwindling bank account, I can’t help but feel lucky and blessed.

Making time...

Yesterday I went to my Weight Watchers meeting...and I'm happy to say that I'm down 0.2 pounds.  It might not sound like a lot (and let's be honest, it's not), but to me it shows and proves that I'm done with eating to fill an emptiness inside me.  There have been a lot of feelings the last few weeks as I prepare for a separation with Joe and the buying of a new house. 

But I haven't eaten them.  And THAT is the best.

Anyway, at the WW meeting, my leader talked about making time for things that matter.  She asked us to think of any goal that we had in our lives - and then asked us what it took to attain that goal.

For instance, when I wanted to graduate from college, my investment wasn't just in the time spent at classes or the money spent for the classes.  My investment in a great degree came with lots of hours at labs, in meetings with classmates, and at tutoring sessions if I needed more help.

Likewise, I can't look at the only time I'm willing to take for me to lose weight as the time spent in the meetings.

I need to invest the time into making healthy lunches, not just grabbing something on the go.  It means taking the time to get up early to go for a run.  It means understanding that there is time spent to drive to the gym.

To expect that this would just happen miraculously without any other time investment is silly.

And yet, how many of us have thought that if we just fix this "eating thing" we'd be fine?  Nope.  There's way more things going on that have contributed to my weight gain than just fixing my eating. It's by choosing to take the time to make the change a part of my identity that is going to get it done.

As I sat in the meeting, I thought of all the other things that I do with my time.  Some of it is productive, some of it is non-productive but totally awesome, and some of it is wasteful.  I want to be more mindful of scheduling or making time for the goals I really have.

After all, aren't we all worth spending some time on us, on our hopes and dreams?

P.S.  YAY!  The house was inspected last week and it passed with flying colors!  There are a few things to be fixed (aren't there always?) but nothing so big that it was a deal breaker.  The seller has come to the table with his offerings - not as much as I had hoped, but it's doable - and this whole process has gotten me even MORE excited about moving in the house.

I can't believe it's going to be mine in 9 days. 

The seller has had some heartbreak, some good times, and a new beginning with love while in this house. 

I can only hope that the same holds true while it's mine.

(le sigh)

Making Room

First, I had my inspection earlier today and was THRILLED with the results!  The inspector that I've hired for all of the homes I've bought (and then eventually sold) in Denver is awesome - and one of the things that I always love about him is how thorough he is.  As in I have 32 pages of findings from today's inspection.

Like I wrote, he's done two previous inspections for me, but this was the first time that he said, "You've got a great house.  You were lucky to find it - this one is a keeper." 

And he's right.

Sure, there are things that need to be fixed - aren't there always?  But the things aren't horribly expensive and they're reasonable.  If the seller won't fix them, I kind of don't care.  This is my house...and it feels SO good to be in it.

It's more room than I need.  But I hope to fill it up with unique finds, pictures and prints from friends, and lots of memories of wonderful people.

I'm making room for all of the wonderful things that are to come in my life. 

It feels blissful!

During the last week when I've made it more public that things were going to change between Joe and me, I've been amazed at people's reactions.  Some people were wildly enthusiastic about the move and some people looked at me with sadness.  Some people assumed that we were automatically going to break up and some people who thought that we had the perfect relationship were left wondering what happened.

The truth is, I'm not sure what is going to happen.  All I know is that our relationship isn't as healthy as what I want it to be before committing to each other for life.  I know that our therapist believes that the hard work can't happen without Joe doing some seriously tough stuff first.  As someone who has seen the benefits of therapy, I know first hand that although therapy can be life-changing, it also takes some significant amount of time.  And you have to be motivated to make the change.

Joe is motivated to become a healthier person; but it will take some time to make the changes necessary to facilitate a healthy relationship - with negotiating, full disclosures, and healthy boundaries.  I can't force or fix those things.  Believe me, I've tried.

So will we keep dating?  Maybe.  Will we live together again?  Maybe.  Will we break up?  Maybe.  Will we part ways and never speak again?  Maybe.  Will this all get figured out and we'll live happily ever after?  Maybe.  Will we each meet someone else to spend the rest of our lives with?  Maybe.

At this point, I don't know what the end result will be.  What I do know is that moving out and getting my own space is the next necessary step for me being healthier.  I know that this next step is right.

And at this point, I want to make room for all the possibilities in between us living together right now and us never speaking again.

Now is when I want to live my life fully - amidst all the struggles and confusion. 

Life isn't going to get any easier - I might as well make room for uncertainty.

See, Geneen Roth?  I listened to you after all.

Just a quick update...

Hi all!

First, I haven't been to the WW for a little while.  I weigh in on Mondays...and the 29th I had to stay late at work, this past Monday was Labor Day (my location was closed), and next week we have tickets to see the Broncos on their first game against the Raiders!  I'll admit, I haven't stepped on the scale, haven't tracked, and in general don't know how I've been doing weight wise.

Unless you count how I feel.  And in that, I've been doing really well.  I'm eating when I'm hungry and not eating when I'm not.

In fact, this weekend, I had ONE Reece's Peanut Butter Cup.  The other one from the package is still in our cabinet.  It may sound like a small thing, but it's a feat that I've never been successful at before.

The big news is that I've made the decision to move out of Joe's place.  It's been a long time coming and I made the decision with a heavy heart.  But I know that it's the right decision for me.  I just can't, in good faith, continue with this relationship without a chance to pause and determine what will make me happy.  I want children and a healthy partner so badly and I can't give that dream up.

I know that that pause needs to be in a location by myself.

Will it mean that we stop dating entirely? Maybe.  Will it be a catalyst to have him get healthier? I hope so.  Will he eventually move in? Maybe.  But this change gives me the chace to better evaluate all the options.

Joe is actually taken it pretty well and has graciously decided to let me stay until the end of the month...

At which time...

Actual door knob from my house. 
All the interior doors have these knobs.

I'm closing on a new place! 

I found the house this weekend and I LOOOOOOOVE it.  It's perfect.  It's a red brick tudor with tons of light/windows and is located only three blocks from a park/lake called Sloan's Lake.  Hello a runner's dream!

*swoon*

I'm thrilled that a place like this is finally in a price range that I can afford.  You can thank Joe for that too - giving me a break from the higher bills I was paying to save for this place.  I don't mean that I didn't contribute financially to the household - I defnitely have.  But the bills - even being split - are less than what I was paying on my own.

Here's a sneak preview of the guest bath - and one of the most awesome features of the house.  It's absolutely adorable.  And for those wanting more details, the tile floor has a light aqua to the buttons.  Other than the other aqua accents, it's completely white or chrome.  I heart it.

I'm doing well.  I'm taking care of myself.  And even though sometimes it's awkward still living with Joe and sad to know that I may never see some of his friends (whom I love dearly) again, I know I'm making the right choice.

I close on September 29th - three weeks from today.  I have a lot to do, a lot to arrange, and a lot to think about.  But I'm optimistic.