Don't look here

I feared that this would happen. See, I'm not doing as well this week as I have in the past. I'm not shocked that I would have weeks where I would gain. Hell, I've been overweight my whole adult life - please...I knew that I would gain. I feared the stuff that happens BEFORE I gain the weight...as in the emotional turmoil that I go through and don't react to in a positive way.

The problem with me this week is that for some reason (despite success on Monday night's meeting) I feel so bad about myself - or rather my current social situation. Which is to say, I feel so very alone.

I wish that it didn't make a difference. I wish that I could shake off the bad feelings that have plagued me this week. I wish that I could feel that in the midst of me feeling like I don't matter to anyone else that I could still somehow matter to myself.

But unfortunately, I don't particularly feel lovable - which makes NOW the hardest time to love myself. And how do I doctor it? By last night eating whatever I damn well pleased. I stepped on the scale this morning and cringed, knowing that I cannot possibly lose that weight gain by Monday's meeting.

WHY does this affect me so much? WHY can't I shake off all of the emotional SHIT? Why can't I classify my dad's opinion of overweight people as wrong? Why do I care so much about what someone else thinks of me?

I know that I'll go to Monday's meeting - and be prepared for the gain and the questions at the scale from my leader. And I know that next week I'll probably buckle down and fight the bad feelings in a more positive way. And I know that without doing this, I'll never even have a chance of being healthier.

But I also know that this week completely represents WHY I've had a weight problem in my life. It clearly links my mental health and my physical health. And although I can put band-aids on it, I know that I need to find out why I feel this way so that I can get over it - or at least deal with it better.

It's just that I don't know how to fix the root of the problem...and my fear is that maybe I can't.

So don't look at me as an example of what to do...because I'm not example worthy - other than what not to be.

Modular

It's been one week since I had my new bed delivered.

I was hoping that all my pain would disappear, but it turns out that the cause of my pain is me. Story. Of. My. Life. I still have the pain when I sleep even with this super fancy schmancy bed. So I've started to keep a sleep journal (just as exciting as it sounds - which is to say that it's not exciting at all) to try to narrow down for my doctors why I have such intense pain when I am sleeping.

Most days I'm just sore, but Thursday night I was in a lot of pain. So there's that.

I haven't decided if I want to return my bed to Sleep Number or if I want to keep it - I'm trying to be practical about it, but am really not donating lots of time to it. I guess I'm still hoping that one of these mornings I'll wake up and be able to jump out of bed, click my heels like the Irish person I am, and then go about my merry way, being free of pain. Hmmm...maybe I should keep a flask by my bed.

Anyway, a week ago, when the new bed was being delivered, I went home to meet the delivery guy. He was a nice guy and was pretty chatty as he was setting up the bed. The bed comes in a ton of different boxes - it's built right before your eyes.

Me: Wow. I guess I'm surprised with how modular it is!

Him: Ha! It's funny that you would say that. Modular. The only people that have used that term are dorky engineers.

Me: *cough* *cough* Um...that's me.

Him: What?

Me: I am a dorky engineer.

Him: Oh. Really? Hmm...weird. Modular.

*This post was originally written on my other blog...but I moved it to this blog for ease of linking.

Where is a cameraman when you need one?

This post is actually on my other blog, but I decided that it fit better over here...so I'm double posting. :) That's how I roll.

Last night I had a thrilling night. I watched "The Happening" AND "Baby Mama." And I stayed awake through both movies. If you've ever been around me while a movie was on, you know that me staying awake through an entire movie (let alone two) is pretty darn amazing. Typically, I'm asleep by the time the opening credits get done rolling.

Alright, so my night wasn't as thrilling as a single 31 year old's should be, but I was happy.

Tonight I decided to turn over a new leaf and return the movies to Blockbuster on time. Hey, what can I say? I am Oprah-esque. I make the world a better place. So I took the pooch up with me - it's not far away (maybe a mile) and besides, Chassis loves to go for walks. There we were, walking at a brisk pace when I decided that I'd rather run.

(short aside: When I lived in Oklahoma, I used to run each night on the track by my apartment. I got to where I was running for an hour or so and I loved it. Now, I'm quite a bit heavier than I was then, and I guess I stopped thinking that I was in any condition to run. I mean, I've been "running" 4-5 miles at the gym...but it's been on an elliptical machine. Which is really not running at all. It's like the "I can't believe it's not butter" of running. It's close - but not the same. So running today without being out of breath was something that I had not even realized I missed.)

So I ran (I ran so far away...) to Blockbuster and back...with my HUGE dog literally loping right beside me. Usually we get cars to stop and/or stare - because Chassis is so big (thus her ability to lope like a horse). But today if anyone was looking, I think it was because we would've made a pretty cool picture.

You know, I've always admired those little tiny girls, running with their golden retrievers right beside them. Somehow they look like they'd get done running, pile in to their Land Rover, and go shopping at Pottery Barn. And even though I know that I don't quite make the same picture (bigger redhead with a huge blue dog piling into a MINI), I think it was just as cool.

It's a first

Yikes.

This is the first post of a new blog I'm trying out. We'll see if it sticks.

I wanted a place where I could blog openly about my decision to get healthier - specifically physically. My other blog is a great place for people to come for a good laugh. But here is where I get to write about being smaller and my efforts to fight many demons from my past.

Turning 31, for some reason, has been a big thing for me. I suppose it's because I'm officially in my 30s. And let's face it, I'm not getting younger. All the things I thought that I'd be (wife, mom, aunt, etc.) by now have not happened. And I'm tired of waiting for it.

So I've been working on being healthier - mind, body, and spirit.

Sometimes it seems more of a challenge.

So welcome. Welcome to my journey to smaller fun pants.

Believe it or not, it's just me

I know, I haven't written in almost a week.

What is wrong with me? Where are my priorities? Sheesh.

Here's the deal, I've had a lot going on this week and have had it combined with the least sleep I've ever had in my life. And here's where I assure the moms that read my blog that I'm not comparing my lack of sleep to your lack of sleep with newborns because OH MY GOSH that is just insane how you moms do it. Seriously, I thought the childbirth part of it was God's punishment to Eve and all the rest of us...so what is with this bullshit about not sleeping for months afterwards?

I thought the lack of sleep thing was fixed when I adjusted the slats of my bed. Turns out that that happened to not have a lasting effect. And darn it if I was going to take back my solution since I compared myself to a princess. Do you know how much I still want to be a princess? I'm not going to give that up, are you crazy?

So, I've been walking around like a zombie from "Shaun of the Dead" for the past week. BTW, that movie is so funny that if you haven't seen it, you probably should never admit it to me - because I'll likely stop whatever you're doing, drag you to Blockbuster, rent the movie, and then drag you back home with me to watch it. Wait, I own it. Whatever. You get what I'm saying.

So I went to go mattress shopping and had narrowed it down to a Sleep Number or a Tempurpedic mattress. Why? Because marketing works on me. And after going to multiple stores (first Sleep Number store had a sales person/manager who I SWEAR was snorting cocaine in the back room and I'm not even kidding), I finally decided on getting a Sleep Number bed. And I'm going to feel happy about my purchase and not think on how I would've bought a sleeping bag for the same amount of money if they would've just let me sleep there for 15 minutes.

But, getting back to the title of the post, I was surprised at how all of the salespeople that I met kept asking if it was just me. Umm...yes. I'm single. And I still want a queen size bed because I'm not in college any more.

One of them asked me if I shared a bed with someone and all I could think of saying was "I don't have a significant other." WHY DID I SAY THAT? I don't even have an INsignificant other. So the whole pitch, she was very careful to mention "partner" instead of "husband." And I couldn't figure out how to work in the whole "I'm not gay, I'm just stupid when it comes to defining things while laying down and trying not to fall asleep during your demo" speech in.

But hey, I have a new bed...

*This post was originally written on my other blog...but I moved it to this blog for ease of linking.