I'm not sure what this means

This past week I lost 2.2 pounds - without really trying. I mean, I'm not really tracking...and to be honest, I splurged quite a bit. Or at least, I felt like I did.

I guess that's the bad thing about not tracking...when you lose or gain weight, you don't really know why.

Basically, I tried to stick to healthy eating principles. I tried to stick to making sure to monitor when my body was hungry or full. And I guess I can take the loss as a way of saying that even when I'm not tracking, as long as I'm mindful, I will be successful.

On one hand, I'm super happy to be down unexpectedly. I'm closer to the halfway point again and I am going to be so glad whenever it is that I move past the 55.6 mark.

On the other hand, I'm a little weirded out. Because I have to be honest, I'm not really sure that this week wasn't just a fluke. I know that last Monday I ate a bit more before the meeting. I'm tempted to think that I didn't earn this weight loss in my heart.

But then I remember that I DID earn it. Even if I just weighed heavier last week, then that means that I earned it last week without really being aware of it.

Going forward, I don't want to get cocky and put it on auto-pilot without being mindful. I need to take faith in knowing that the last three weeks is indicative of me maybe knowing what I'm doing when I don't think as hard about it - and when I don't analyze things too much.

So I'm going to stay the course. I'm going to be steady. I'm going to concentrate on health - mind, body, and spirit. And I'm going to remember that it's just one week. It's not a big deal at all. Yup, mindful, but not overly analytical - that's my goal for this week.

Weight Watchers Mobile Service

Friday I received my iPhone and I couldn't be more thrilled with my new gadget! It *is* more than just a phone and I heart it.

I stumbled across this today on the web and wanted to share it. Weight Watchers has a tool that you can use on any smart phone...and it's FREE to members who use WW online or eTools.

You can go here to read more about it, but basically it allows you to visit your points tracker, your activity tracker and everything else very easily.

Not that I *am* tracking all of the time these days, but I thought that it was a nifty little thing to use! This morning I tracked my normal breakfast (toasted whole wheat english muffin, 1 tbsp of reduced fat peanut butter (split between the two halves), a drop of syrup (on each side), and a sliced banana on top - all for 5 points!) on my iPhone...right here at my desk! Sure enough it popped up immediately on the computer too. I think it's so handy to be able to track all day at work and then be able to track at night - or look up points values - if I'm out.

Super cool and figured that I'd share it for all of you who might want to know.

Good to know

So you guys know that I've checked out slightly when it comes to WW. I just got burnt out on ALL THE COUNTING of ALL THE POINTS. I was burnt out on continuously worrying if I had enough points for this and it got to where I was starting to resent the new way of life.

So I rebelled and I gained.

Then two weeks ago, I lost two pounds. Without really trying. Basically since I'm giving myself permission to just stay at this weight for the rest of the summer, I've found that I'm not that into making sure that I hit my points target or that I don't go beyond that. I'm trying to concentrate, instead, on healthier living.

This past week, when I stepped on the scale, I saw that I was up 0.8. I wasn't surprised. Because even though I have been beefing up my running, I've also been eating more...beef. :) So it's not a big shocker.

What was surprising is that my leader asked me how I felt about it. I felt fine. Genuinely. 0.8 is not a big deal. In the same way that losing 2 is not a big deal. She encouraged me to find something to be mindful of since I'm not tracking as much. That isn't a big deal as I have a 5K that I'm going to run at the beginning of August and a 10K race that I'm doing on Thanksgiving Day (pictures will be forthcoming!).

Then she said, "I just don't want you to gain all your weight back. You've worked so hard!"

And I was SHOCKED at my response which was similar to if she had said that she didn't want me to run out, get a gun, and shoot a baby.

I simply knew that that would never happen.

I WILL stay at a weight loss of at least 50 pounds throughout the summer.

In my entries, I've posted a lot about how I was worried that I would gain it all back...and now, after hearing her say that, I didn't respond the way I have in the past. My first thought was NOT "Yeah, I'm worried about that too!" it was that regaining simply wasn't an option.

These days I'm clinging to that realization.

Thankful list

I am so thankful.

1) My knees and I have been living in harmony the last couple of weeks. I've been able to run each day without any pain - other than slight discomfort if I sit for too long after the run. Today makes day 9 IN A ROW that I've ran at least 2 miles. I'm so thankful that my knees are getting healthier!

2) I'm so thankful for friends and blogging buddies that are encouraging me on this journey. My eating hasn't been perfect - not this week at least - but my energy has been much more positive. That is largely due to me focusing on the positive thoughts and vibes people have been sending my way.

3) I'm so thankful that it's been in the 60s and lower 70s this week. It's allowed me to run at work, which I typically don't do if it's over 75. Running during my lunch hour gives me a chance to de-stress and get mentally ready for the rest of the day. Even when I feel that I don't have time to run, I've been going. It has made all the difference!

4) I'm so thankful that my headaches have gotten better over the past week. I suspect that decreasing my junk food consumption has had an effect on this, but I'm thankful nonetheless.

5) I'm thankful that I can move my body much better than I could last year. I'm thankful that it functions so much better. I remember at the start of the summer last year that I wasn't looking forward to it. Summer meant hot. Summer meant me hiding inside my house because going outside means I will sweat and I will be uncomfortable. Summer still means hot...but it also means that I get to have fresh fruit, that I look forward to early morning runs and the laughter of kids playing around my place. It certainly isn't my favorite time of year still, but it's a lot better time than what it has been.

One step forward

This past week, I felt much more in control of things...mostly because I resigned myself to NOT control or put pressure on myself.

I've ran each day since last Wednesday and am amazed at how much a quick two mile run helps my perspective on things. The last two days I've used it as a stress relief from work and have really appreciated that it's been cool enough during the day that I could go on a run without stinking out everyone in my office.

I'm focusing more on my feelings about health (mental and physical) versus the actual points. Not sure that it will pay off but it's taking off the pressure of having to lose weight.

And that is good.

Struggles

I've been struggling lately - as in I've been REALLY struggling lately.

Basically, I've been feeling SO out of control of my life that I've gone back to controlling my food. Sometimes I wish I could be anorexic because even though I'd still be crazy with food issues, I'd at least be skinny. BUT I don't have the kind of controlling food issues that go with anorexia. When I feel crazy, out of control, and unloved, I completely unravel and I eat to fill the void inside.

Go figure how I got to be the weight I did.

Two weeks ago, I didn't weigh in at WW at my normal time - since I weigh in on Mondays, they were closed for Memorial Day...instead I weighed in on Wednesday. Sure, I was up 2 pounds, but that wasn't a big surprise. I had had a big lunch that day - and besides, I was wearing different clothes than what I normally did. But the rest of that week? I ate like no one was watching.

I drug myself to the meeting on Monday - not sure if I wanted to stay, not sure if I wanted to talk to my leader about it, and really not even sure what was going on in my own head to get me to shovel in food faster than I could think about what I was really hungry for. In fact, last week, I asked myself as I was getting ready to order a blizzard from DQ what I was really hungry for. And instead of getting the answer, what I felt was more anxiety, more uncomfortableness, and more shame. So I ate the blizzard.

I don't air these things so that anyone can read it and shake their head slowly as if to say "poor poor girl!" I write these things so if anyone else is going through them, they'll know that they're not alone. And when I'm feeling out of control, that's what I feel. So very alone.

But there was such a blessing for me on Monday. My friend from WW, Kris, had dropped off something for me with our leader. Due to horrible traffic, I actually got to the meeting late. My leader said that she had something for me and asked me to stick around. So I did. And as the last person left, she looked at me, sat down, pulled up a chair next to her and asked me what was going on.

And I started crying.

I still don't know 100% of the reasons I felt so out of control and so unloved that I took it out on myself...but hearing her say that I wasn't alone and that she believed that I could do it? Well that was enough for me.

I get stressed sometimes reading the successes of other people's blogs. I wish sometimes I could be plugging right along like how I was at the beginning. When I read these blogs, I say to myself "why can't you be like that anymore?" And what I need to remind myself is that I WILL get there.

My leader said that she's seen many people go through the doors to her meeting and that she knows that I have what it takes to lose the weight and keep it off for good. She praised me for being willing to look at the tough issues in my life - the issues that got me fat and the issues that slow my weight loss. She lost 60 something pounds and averaged 0.5 pound loss per week. She took off the pressure, she heaped on the praise, and she listened. She encouraged me that instead of asking myself what I was hungry for, to instead ask myself what I was feeling. And to write it down.

I heart her.

So I'm telling you - people I'm struggling. And I'm also letting go of the pressure of wanting to be below 200 pounds. In fact, I'm saying that getting through these issues and learning to soothe myself without food take precedence to me losing weight.

My new goal is to have not gained by the end of July. I want to have kept off 50. I don't want to backtrack and regain what I've worked so hard to lose. I want to be comfortable in my own skin, in the size I'm in right now, and put my strength towards figuring out why I don't love myself. And then I want to fix that.

I know that my desire to be healthier will win. I know that I will shed this extra weight eventually. Truthfully, I'd rather get to the issues and have another year or two of trying to get to a healthy weight than just dieting to get there and eventually regaining it. I'm thirty-frickin-two years old. It's time.

I also know that by taking off the pressure that I've put on myself is helping me feel a million pounds lighter already. And I guess that that's a start.