Bagels are not the answer

Let me start off with the fact that our Regional Sales Manager brought a feast from Panera for us this morning. There are warm, gooey cinnamon buns. There are pastries. And oh my gosh there are the best bagels ever...complete with the best cream cheeses. I heart bagels more than any other pastry. I love the way that they get all toasty on the outside while still being chewy on the inside. I love the sweet, cold cream cheese that goes on top. I love bagels.

I also should let you know that I already had breakfast this morning. I am not physically hungry. But oh, how I crave a bagel right now.

My eating has not been going well this week. My exercise has not been going well this week. I feel pulled in a bunch of different directions. You might've read on my other blog that my dog is having some (maybe) serious issues. In fact, this morning I dropped her off for an ultrasound. For a DOG. I love her...but I guess I still can't get over the fact that my dog is getting a procedure done that most women never have done.

ANYway, I've had to let my dog out at various times throughout the night which means that my sleep consumption this past week has been less than ideal. I got some bad news from a doctor on Wednesday that I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it. I'm worried about my dog. Because of the dog issues, I had to cancel a much anticipated trip to Seattle. :( I'm worried about the relationship with the guy (who, for clarification sakes, is not my boyfriend). I'm worried about showing him the crazy side of me, about crying on him or leaning on him, and that he will decide it's just too much and leave. I'm feeling like I'm neglecting me. Pressures at work are getting higher while layoffs are looming. I'm flat out worried.

And basically right now I'm having a tough time holding my shit together.

And I'm eating. I'm making poor food choices. A week ago when I was camping, I made GREAT food choices. This week? Not so much. To be fair, I'm not binge eating...and the things that I'm eating too much of are still not BAD for me. Nothing like what I was doing over a year ago. But it's still eating due to emotions and feelings.

I'm not exercising. I don't wanna'. I guess I'm rebelling against healthy things right now.

I think it might be because I feel so very out of control about everything else in my life. I feel like stuff is happening TO me - not that I'm making stuff happen. I'm scared and worried about what is going to happen and am not handling "the unknown" with the usual grace and fearlessness that I typically have.

But you know what? That's okay. I think recognizing it is a great first step. In fact, as I sit here and type this, knowing that there are bagels and cinnamon buns in the breakroom, my interest in eating is starting to fade. I'm recognizing that I'm upset. I need soothing. I need sleep. I want an answer as to why my dog is still not getting better. I need hugs. I need to be good to myself. I need to do stuff to make me feel better - to lift my spririts.

I did bring my running clothes to work so that I could go for a run during lunch if I felt like it. Having just written out my thoughts, I think that running is something that I can do FOR ME. It is a choice, just like choosing not to eat out of sadness/fear is a choice. It is gaining some control and I know that when I'm done with the run, I will feel positive towards myself - I always do. I will know that that positive thing that I did? It was a tiny gift to me from me.

I can't do much about the feelings that I have. I'm trying to just feel them, to acknowledge them because too many times in my life I've just buried them. After that, I can go about doing something that will help me soothe myself and soothe whatever need "comes up."

It's amazing how what will soothe me is turning out to never be bagels from Panera.