Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The good, the bad, and the oh-so very ugly

Last week I felt on top of the world. I *felt* like I was doing a decent job of holding my shtuff together.

Turns out, not so much.

Because in the middle of everything last week, I went a little a whole lotta crazy. I wanted my space and then quite quickly I wanted nothing of the sort. I wanted to talk stuff out with friends until I started to panic and then I would've set myself on fire if it meant getting away from them.

I was angry - like really angry and cranky. The only thing that would stop the cranky and anger would be the unexplained tears.

The entire time, I kept thinking that this wasn't like me. Where was my zen desire to be healthier in mind, body, and spirit?

I'm sure that I drove my boyfriend crazy because I was the neediest, bitchiest, and most confusing person in the world. I've worked hard to try to eliminate the drama in my life - and last week, it was like I was putting on my own one-person play. Drama doesn't even cover it. Now, it's true, sometimes he was being a turd and probably deserved some amount of communication about it, but he definitely didn't deserve the crap I was shoveling out.

LOOONG story short, I realized two things. Two VERY big things.

1. I hadn't exercised AT ALL in almost three weeks. And like I've written on here countless times, exercise is so much more about the mental sanity for me than the activity points that I can earn. I finally went for a run on Saturday and thought to myself: "DUH! You should've done that before now." So guess what people? Mr. Goodbody was right. Exercise is good for you.

2. I recently changed my birth control...and it could be that the hormone levels might be assisting in me not reacting to things rationally. Uh, you think?

So how did I handle this?

I ate.

I ate because I was bored, I ate because I was angry, I ate because I was lonely, I ate because I acted like a crazy person to my boyfriend, I ate because I'm scared he's going to get tired of my craziness, I ate because he really has hurt my feelings and I don't know if we're compatible, I ate because I'm concerned that maybe I don't know what a healthy relationship is after all, I ate because I feel like I can't think logically through my craziness, and finally, I ate because I didn't know how else to cope.

I'm disappointed in myself.

Which, in actuality, is a pretty common theme these days. I just don't feel like I measure up to much. I'm so very irritated these days - at everything but mostly myself.

Unlike what I do with other people, I can't cut myself slack. I can't forgive myself for all of the multitude of wrong doings I've committed against myself (and others) this past week.

I recognize that I need to start fresh. It's almost like I need to confess my sins and get on with it already. Because there is (at the moment) no closure for the moods that I've been in.

It sounds horrible to say, but the truth is that I'm keeping tally in some sort of weird way/game of how obnoxious, hateful, unstable, cranky, and needy I've been. And when I do that, I always lose...because there is no winner.


Sunkissed Cheeks said...

You admitted it – confessed, whatever you want to label it but what you need to focus on NOW is what you are doing right. You are able to be honest with yourself. You KNOW the choices were bad. You KNOW you don’t want to feel that way. You KNOW the truth. Try to let go, it may be hard but EVERY day is a NEW day. Enjoy each gift and be stronger than the day before! That is all anyone can do…

Melyssa said...

Wow, boy have I struggled with every single word of what you are writing about. It sure is a challenge to change these years of thinking and eating habits! I always seem to think that someday I will be magically cured and never think about it again, but then I realize that I will always have to be conscious and engage in conversations like these to overcame these deeply ingrained patterns.

Misspudding said...

Stupid hormones!

I hear you. I've been feeling the same way, except my excuse is SAD. I, too, think the exercise helps IMMENSELY.

Talk to your therapist about it. I think the feelings you're having about the boy might be your mind telling you that you need to think deeper. Then again, it might just be the hormones. Still, it helps to have an unbiased, third party, helping you out.

POD said...

Like you and Misspudding said, it could have been the WHOREmones. And then blaming yourself is incorrect thinking (ask me, I ought to know). But don't blame yourself for thinking incorrectly. Just stop thinking altogether. Let your brain rest.

"Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us."
Pema Chodron

Kris said...

Anne, give yourself some grace. You do it so well for others, now it is time to do it for yourself. Thank you for all you share with all of us....