Thursday, October 27, 2011


It’s probably been a long time coming, but Joe and I have officially broken up.

Like I wrote in my post “Making Room”, there were a few ways this could go.

“So will we keep dating? Maybe. Will we live together again? Maybe. Will we break up? Maybe. Will we part ways and never speak again? Maybe. Will this all get figured out and we'll live happily ever after? Maybe. Will we each meet someone else to spend the rest of our lives with? Maybe.”

And I’m so sad to have it end the way that it did. It was pretty sucky and it was difficult to not be able to have the closure that I so would’ve wanted.

In the end, I didn’t get to tell him anything that was in my heart. All he heard was that I felt like we were more like friends than anything else and he bolted.

Over two months ago, I wrote this regarding our relationship:

“Can you see why this is a tough decision? So no, I’m not going to make any rash decisions. I owe it to myself to not do that. Because if you’re anything like me, you know that after you end a relationship, it’s easy to second guess all the decisions you’ve ever made. It’s easy to see all the ways you were intolerant of someone else’s flaws. It’s easy to blame yourself for throwing away a perfectly good relationship. What I want to do is explore all the possibilities, try all the ways I can, collect data (hello, I’m an engineer), and understand how I feel. That way I know that in the wee hours of the night when “The Voice” tells me how stupid I was and how much being alone sucks, I can whisper back that I made the right decision and that time heals all wounds.”

Tuesday night, “The Voice” told me that I was a horrible person and that I wouldn’t find anyone else who was as marvelous as Joe. It told me that I was heartless and that I wanted too much. Because the truth is, I didn’t want to break up Tuesday night. But I did want to tell the truth about how I felt.

At one point, I knew I could’ve said some things to make it hurt less. I could’ve said that I wasn’t 100% certain that the love was lost. I could’ve said that I still wanted to try more. Those things would’ve been truths. But would they have just delayed the inevitable? Would they have made it hurt worse for him in the end? Maybe. So I swallowed those words and let nature take its course.

One thing lead to another and now yours truly is single.

He’s asked that I not contact him in any way. He’s removed me as a friend on Facebook (which we never communicated there anyway) and removed me from other shared applications that we had.

He has, effectively, removed his love.

While that’s perfectly normal, it is terribly triggering. And yet, I am reminded that I have my own truth inside my body.

I have a womb that wants to bear children. I have a heart that can mend and eventually love again. My mind knows that I tried everything within my power to make this work. My feet are firmly planted on the ground and my arms can hug the husband I’ll eventually have.

It feels in some ways like a deep cut. At first, all you can think about is the pain. Eventually, I know that I’ll be reminded of the cut whenever it hurts. I’ve been through this before and know that the cut is the hardest part…and that all that’s left is the healing.

Because as I wrote, time does heal all wounds.

But oh, how I miss my best friend.


Katie J ♥ said...

I am in a similiar situation but haven't cut him off yet. It is one of the hardest things I will have to do but probably the best

Hang in there hon. You are right, your heart will heal and you are worthy of someone who can reciprocate equally.

Jams said...

Oh Anne - I'm sorry. I'm sorry he bolted before you got to share how you feel/felt.

I saw a quote today and think it fits this:

"When people walk away from you... Let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it doesn't mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your story is over."

You know deep down that you made the right decision. Maybe a clean break is best. Heal that deep cut and you'll be back to new in no time.

We're here for you!

Flabby McGee said...

I'm so sorry. It doesn't matter who broke up with who, or what the reasons are - there's still always pain. You will eventually have the husband you deserve, and you can be proud that you were honest with yourself, and didn't stay in the "comfort zone" of a dying relationship. You are one strong woman, and I admire you very much. Keep being strong, and you'll end up with with someone you deserve!!!

Alicia said...

It's been an amazing thing to watch you on your journey. I'm sad for you, but also so proud of these very courageous steps you've taken. You did do everything you could've in this relationship. You worked on yourself, you went to counseling with Joe & he still was not ready to commit. My friend is going through a similar situation & she hasn't handled herself as well as you have. She is broken up with the guy, but staying in his house even though he wants her gone. I'm so proud of you, I'm proud that you LOVE yourself enough to say "enough, I will not not get what a want another day." You are so worthy & the next guy is so lucky to get a shot with you!

Sam said...

Do you know what I took away from this post? Strength, courage, self worth, and love. You, my dear, are an amazing woman! You have some great things in store for you, I just know it!!!!!!!! Hugs and love!

Kate said...

I second what Sam said-you are amazing, courageous and strong, and although it hurts now, you will find the happiness and life that you deserve.

Lyn said...

I am sorry :(

I know it hurts now. It will be a wonderful gift you gave yourself someday, looking back. I do believe that.

Take this time and love yourself and heal. Yes, that's kind of cliche, but true. Take care, ok? Hugs.

Lily Fluffbottom said...


kristi said...

I too, upon reading this, thought of the strong, caring, and courageous person that you are... the daisy that is blooming back to life at this very moment. You've been through so much and it's time to look forward to what adventures lie ahead.

Polar's Mom said...

Shit I'm sorry that I just read this...hope you are feeling better than when it all went down. It is hard to see the benefit, no matter how small, that exists in the face of such pain. I wish you recovery, and peace.