Friday, October 28, 2011

A New Year's Resolution

It didn't hit me until just a few moments ago, that a year ago, I had abdominal surgery to remove a very large uterine fibroid.

A year ago, I walked into the hospital full of hope (that they wouldn't end up doing a hysterectomy and that I wouldn't die) and more than a little trepidation of the healing to come.

Well, here I am, a year later, and I have the same emotions - just the subject and the location have changed.

I spent the last thirty minutes or so looking over pictures from the last year.

And since we're all friends, I'll admit that I've gained weight.  The number is actually around 20 pounds.  But by looking at pictures, it seems that I've gained it all in my face, my neck, my belly, my butt, my...okay then, I see it everywhere in the pictures I just glanced through.

And oy vey does it suck to look at pictures of yourself and realize just how much ground you've lost. I feel like I'm starting all over in so many areas of my life and it's a daunting feeling.  I just asked myself, "'s just you and me.  Do you really want to add another thing that you're starting over again with?"

I took a few seconds to think about it, but the answer was still yes!

I'm not waiting for January 1st to start anew.  The last 365 days have been filled with a lot of pain, emotionally and physically.  I've had a lot of new beginnings - a new job, a new home, a new single life.  I've had a lot of losses - my relationship, my grandmother.  I've celebrated a lot - a successful surgery, my little sister's wedding, and me getting through some really rough months of therapy.

But if I'm to be 100% honest, I'm fully ready to put this year to bed.   I'm ready to put it behind me, to acknowledge the things that I've learned and to mourn the stuff that I've lost.

And I'm ready to get my self-confidence back.  I'm ready to feel powerful while running again.  I'm ready to try new foods, new recipes, and to practice restraint when it comes to eating.

After a year of feeling anything but sexy, I'm ready to bring the sexy back.

A year ago, I felt broken going into surgery.  I'm sad to say that that feeling hasn't really left me after all this time - not really.  It's felt like one thing after another for the past year.  I've felt like other things and other people have ruled my life. 

Isn't it time I take my life back? 

Aren't I worth eating healthy foods - foods that fuel my body rather than ones that numb the pain I've been feeling? Aren't I worth getting up an extra 45 minutes in the morning to go for a quick run?  Aren't I worth saying nice things to myself rather than inwardly groaning at my appearance in the mirror?

I want to believe the answer is yes; I've worked hard in in therapy to learn that the answer is yes.

So starting tomorrow (which, by my clock is in about 10 minutes), I'm going to start living like it.

Here's to a year of new beginnings, of shedding fear and old beliefs, and of choosing to believe in me.

Who's with me? 


Ink Spiller said...

Oh, I had very much the same thoughts the other day and decided to make a resolution and that New Year started that day. I have 55-65lb I want to get rid of. I'm not waiting any more!

Lyn said...

I am with you.

Happy New Year!

Jams said...

You have been through way too much this past year. You've powered through and have to believe that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Even if you don't feel strong (which sometimes I know we don't); you are stronger than you believe.

Every day is the chance for a new beginning. Go forth and make the best choices you can for today... and then wake up and do the same tomorrow.

I have complete faith in you! :) Happy New Year!

Kellie said...

Have I told you lately how much I love reading your blog? I love how you put your thoughts together in a way that makes sense. Your posts always resonate with me and this post finds me in the same spot with you.

I am totally ready to lay this year to rest. It hasn't been a bad year, but it hasn't been awesome either. I am ready for am awesome year. I am 100% with you sister! :)


Missy said...

Wishing you peace with the whole Joe thing. What a big change in your life. But how great that you made the choice because it wasn't working for you! I am so in awe. That took a lot of strength.

I'm on board with you to change things and wanting to feel stronger and healthier. :)

Kris said...

Here's to new beginnings!!! Think of how many great recipes you can chef up in your new kitchen!!!
I think, since we are being honest, that I am in the contemplative stage...still! So though I will support you, as always, 110%, I won't be right there with you.
Happy New Year to you, friend!

Lily Fluffbottom said...

I'm with you friend! You are worth loving yourself and being loved in return.

As far as I'm concerned, every day is a new day to make the commitment of health, wellness, and self love.


Janell said...

You can do this. Tho I'd like to add, shit or get off the pot! ;-)

kristi said...

I love this post!! You WILL do it and there is no time like the present to get started! I'm right alongside you having gained 10 lbs in the past year and I'm ready to get back to eating healthy and adding even more activity. I'll look to your blog for motivation. You know what... you can still outrun me!

burn the fat build the muscle said...

Happy New Year for you too and i hope you have best life for upcoming years and peace will come in this world.

Amy P said...

I started 1/2 an Amy back up again today. It's a's a's all about loving ourselves. I know we can do it. :-)

Lily Fluffbottom said...

Hey there. Just checking in. What are your plans for Thanksgiving? It seems everyone (including myself) is trying to figure out a game plan to "avoid" a national day of overeating celebration.

I hope all is well, and if it isn't, I hope you know you're strong and you'll survive this too.

Happy Holidays!

Miz said...

Missing your posts...