A New Year's Resolution

It didn't hit me until just a few moments ago, that a year ago, I had abdominal surgery to remove a very large uterine fibroid.

A year ago, I walked into the hospital full of hope (that they wouldn't end up doing a hysterectomy and that I wouldn't die) and more than a little trepidation of the healing to come.

Well, here I am, a year later, and I have the same emotions - just the subject and the location have changed.

I spent the last thirty minutes or so looking over pictures from the last year.

And since we're all friends, I'll admit that I've gained weight.  The number is actually around 20 pounds.  But by looking at pictures, it seems that I've gained it all in my face, my neck, my belly, my butt, my...okay then, I see it everywhere in the pictures I just glanced through.

And oy vey does it suck to look at pictures of yourself and realize just how much ground you've lost. I feel like I'm starting all over in so many areas of my life and it's a daunting feeling.  I just asked myself, "Self...it's just you and me.  Do you really want to add another thing that you're starting over again with?"

I took a few seconds to think about it, but the answer was still yes!

I'm not waiting for January 1st to start anew.  The last 365 days have been filled with a lot of pain, emotionally and physically.  I've had a lot of new beginnings - a new job, a new home, a new single life.  I've had a lot of losses - my relationship, my grandmother.  I've celebrated a lot - a successful surgery, my little sister's wedding, and me getting through some really rough months of therapy.

But if I'm to be 100% honest, I'm fully ready to put this year to bed.   I'm ready to put it behind me, to acknowledge the things that I've learned and to mourn the stuff that I've lost.

And I'm ready to get my self-confidence back.  I'm ready to feel powerful while running again.  I'm ready to try new foods, new recipes, and to practice restraint when it comes to eating.

After a year of feeling anything but sexy, I'm ready to bring the sexy back.

A year ago, I felt broken going into surgery.  I'm sad to say that that feeling hasn't really left me after all this time - not really.  It's felt like one thing after another for the past year.  I've felt like other things and other people have ruled my life. 

Isn't it time I take my life back? 

Aren't I worth eating healthy foods - foods that fuel my body rather than ones that numb the pain I've been feeling? Aren't I worth getting up an extra 45 minutes in the morning to go for a quick run?  Aren't I worth saying nice things to myself rather than inwardly groaning at my appearance in the mirror?

I want to believe the answer is yes; I've worked hard in in therapy to learn that the answer is yes.

So starting tomorrow (which, by my clock is in about 10 minutes), I'm going to start living like it.

Here's to a year of new beginnings, of shedding fear and old beliefs, and of choosing to believe in me.

Who's with me?