New Goal

Tonight at WW, my leader suggested that we come up with new goals...but she cautioned us to not come up with weight (i.e. numbers) goals. And to be honest, I had (and am still having) a hard time with that.

I'd love to say that I'm driven by generalities, but I'm not. I'm the person who loves to do eTools online because it allows me to check off things and get a smiley. I make lists for the sole reason to be able to check the completed items off of it. So making a general goal of "to fit in a smaller size" or "to be more active" wasn't going to cut it.

I actually stayed after my meeting to talk with my leader. She is an amazing woman and someone that I really look up to. Not just because she used to be a big girl, lost weight, and has kept it off for four years. Not just because she does marathons. But because she challenges me - and keeps me accountable. Tonight we went through a habits profile- which was pretty much a way to figure out what habits you struggle with - what ones are keeping you from your goals.

My habit that I need to work on is "managing feelings" and anyone who's read either of my blogs can tell you that this is no shocker. I've had a hard time managing feelings for a long time - and I bet if I graphed how I feel emotionally with what I weigh, you'd see that in times of stress, I get bigger.

So my leader suggested the goal of becoming conscious of those feelings that urge me to eat. I'll be honest - I'm halfway there I think. Because when I recognize that I am eating emotionally, I'm usually pretty quick to stop it. I also have been trying to do things to keep me from getting to that emotional eating place...but sometimes I bet I'm not even aware of what I'm doing. So this next month I'm going to try to be conscientious of WHY I'm eating.

In other news, I surpassed my 40 pound milestone. I wanted to be down 50 by the time I got back from a trip I'm taking in a few weeks, but I don't think that's going to happen. :) So I'm just going to concentrate on being healthy. I am looking forward to that next washer on my keychain that designates that I am down 50 pounds. For those that don't know WW has started giving washers out to those that have lost increments of 25 pounds...and I'm excited to have 4 of them by the time all of this is done.

The last bit of great news I want to share is that I'm now a shopper at the GAP. Trying on those jeans 2 weeks ago was a reminder that I should try shopping at some of the "normal" stores...and I'm thrilled to say that I'm fitting nicely into some great jeans, slacks, and tops. There are so many more cute tops than what there are in plus size stores! :) Shopping there was definitely a boost to my self esteem and I had a great time walking around the mall with my GAP bag versus the LB bag. I'm going to take my friend Kris' suggestion and try to consign the clothing rather than giving it to Goodwill. The clothes that do not sell I will donate. I have a huge pile to donate/sell but for some reason am having a hard time letting it go. Does anyone have suggestions on how to let go of the oversized clothing?

El Paso Weigh In

I just came back from weighing in while on vacation in El Paso... and I miss my leader. :)

I decided not to stay for the meeting because the leader here was CRAZY. Apparently there is a rule that you can't take off your shoes for weigh-in. Even with my shoes on, I lost 1 pound. I came home and we weighed my shoes and they were 22 oz...which I am estimating at 1.4 pounds. So 2.4 pounds gone this week is fantastic.

What's more is that I had a goal that I wanted to be down 40 pounds by Christmas...and I think 39.6 is pretty darn close... plus, technically Christmas is Thursday...and I could lose 0.4 pounds by then. :)

Now, I could go into a lot of reasons about how I'm not sure that the 2.4 is accurate - mostly because I didn't eat much today...but my sister told me to just take the loss and be happy with it. So I am.

Not quite the biggest loser...

Right now I'm right in the middle of the finale for "The Biggest Loser" and I am amazed at how great these people look.

They look great because they have put in the hard work. And although my story isn't as drastic (yet), it's just as significant.

During one of the commercial breaks, I thought that I might want to start packing for what I'm going to wear for Christmas. And the jeans that I was wearing today started slipping down my waist and I thought to myself, "I should probably see if I fit in the smaller jeans."

Not only did I fit in them, but I decided to try on any jeans that I thought might possibly fit. This told me the following things:
1) Old Navy is not consistent in their sizing AT ALL. I fit into three different sizes equally as well, including one that is significantly smaller than what I graduated from high school as.
2) I now fit comfortably into a pair of Gap jeans - and they are SUPER cute.
3) Low waisted jeans do not look good on me at all. :)

Today has actually been really motivating. Not only did I track all of my points so far (which is actually SUPER fun to do online - a new thing for me (the online part)), but I also feel pretty darn motivated knowing that I could be down 40 pounds by Christmas. This is important because I just sent out all my Christmas cards where I stated that I was down 40. And I don't want to be a liar. :)

Getting my momentum back

Please refer to the post from a week ago - you know, the one where I THOUGHT I gained two pounds? Well, it turns out, there was a fluke either on the WW scale or something...because this past week, the scale at Weight Watchers said I gained 5.2 pounds.

People, I'm sure I have done stuff to actually gain that much, but I can guarantee that that is not what I did this past week.

I was shocked to see that number, but I also feel good about that I'm not freaking out. I know that between last week and this week, I actually only gained 1.4. And I can deal with 1.4. After all, I didn't have a lot to choose from at my dad's over Thanksgiving and I definitely indulged this past week by wanting to eat more than my points goal. So really, 1.4 makes sense.

And the 5.2 was just enough of a kick in the butt to get me off of my lazy butt to realize that it all doesn't come easy - or at least not all the time.

The new Weight Watchers plan kicked off yesterday and I'm actually really excited to use the tracker again.

So, I'm focused to do the best I can do this week - and I feel good about that. :)

Huh...not so much fun after all

Last night I saw a date for the second time. This guy is a big guy - he's 6'3" and built like a linebacker. I've never dated a guy that big and thought that it would be refreshing - a great way for me to feel tiny and feminine.

I've seen my smaller friends (height around 5 feet tall) get hauled around by boyfriends in the past. Sometimes, the smaller girls would exclaim that they didn't like it, but I couldn't fault their significant others. I mean, they were so cute - how could you not want to squish them? I would look at them wistfully and think "When I'm thin, some guy can haul me around as if I weighed nothing. It would feel so great to feel that small and feminine!"

As I found out last night, that is not necessarily true.

He was so very strong (he can bench over 500#) and there were times where I actually felt a little scared to be so out of control. I mean, last night - he squeezed me so tight a couple of times that I had a hard time breathing. I was walking to the kitchen to get more water and he literally grabbed me by the back of my pants and then pulled me back to him. I've always wanted to be that small - but it was really not fun at all.

Now I don't know if this guy was getting off on how strong he could be, if he was trying to demonstrate to me that he was tough, if he isn't aware of how strong he actually is, or if he is into S&M. I don't know and for MANY other reasons, I'm not planning on sticking around to find out.

But I guess I'm just shocked to find out that one of my thin dreams was realized and that it wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

Take that, turkey

Tonight I weighed in and found that I had actually LOST 3.8 pounds instead of gaining 2 like what MY scale said.

I'm really happy.

I think it was a bit of a fluke as I didn't really eat much today and I wore a lighter shirt than normal...but I don't think both of those would make up almost 4 pounds. Losing some weight seemed more likely...but I'll take the higher weight loss. :)

Seriously - being down almost 40 is pretty damn exciting.

I'm supposed to go out with some friends from high school during MLK weekend. I would love to be down 50 by then. I'd just feel healthier - and I'd love to see their reactions. :)

Right now I'm just thrilled at my progress. I'm not sure why the 38 seems so much higher than the 34, but it does. :)