Deliberately absent

After my flat tire post last week, I decided to group it together. Some times I was better than others...and in the end, I didn't exactly fix the flat, but I also didn't slash the other three tires.

I know I've posted about this before, but I'm constantly amazed at how much better I function with sleep, good food, and exercise. Sometimes I get frustrated that I keep having to re-learn this lesson, but then I remember that it took me 31 years to get the habits that I had...so they probably can't all be erased in the seven months at Weight Watchers.

In fact, I think that acceptance is probably the greatest hurdle I face again and again in my weight loss journey. Acceptance that I'm not losing weight as fast as I was in the beginning, acceptance of the fear that I may gain it back (again), acceptance of the weeks where I didn't do as well as what would've been nice, and acceptance of the new body that is emerging.

When I graduated from college, I was heavier than I'd ever been before in my life (up until that point at least). And I lost some decent weight on a plan called "The Carbohydrates Addict Diet" and was amazed at how cutting out the carbs, even for just two meals, made me feel better. I joined WW then at right about the same weight I am these days. I lost 46 pounds in 4.5 months - even over Thanksgiving and Christmas. I got to be a size 10. And then I started dating, I bought a house, and I started having real stresses at work. And I couldn't adapt. The weight came back on slowly but surely and as of last July, I had gained almost 100 pounds since then. I didn't LEARN how to live better and more healthy.

This time it's different. I'm dating someone and am having to struggle with putting myself and my needs first. I'm having to struggle with constant thoughts that he is going to be frustrated because I can't indulge the way that he can. I've gotten way less sleep than what I have learned again and again my body needs to function properly. I've realized that with lower sleep comes heavy sugar cravings. Cravings lead to me eating "bad" food choices, which leaves me feeling fatigued, which leaves me not wanting to work out.

So the new guy and I talked about it on Tuesday night and I explained to him how I was feeling. And he was very supportive. And I realized that my needs? They're important to him AND myself. And I need to start giving myself the same love and attention that I give others. I find this to be a reoccuring theme on "The Biggest Loser." People that give too much end up giving themselves the gift of being fat. I don't want that gift any more.

Part of me listening to my feelings was not posting my gain this week. It wasn't nearly as much as I had expected and I'm shocked at how this morning, standing on the scale, it appears that I've already lost all that I gained.

I beat myself up for not being "accountable" - not posting my gain on the challenge website, not posting my gain on the ticker above. And then I gave myself permission not to broadcast my faults. I praised myself for being accountable and going back to Weight Watchers. I praised myself for loving myself enough to not parade my shortcoming in front of everyone...because I knew that this week it wouldn't be good for me. I knew that this week I needed all the love and encouragement I could get.

So yes, I gained. I gained more than what I would've liked. I'm frustrated that those two weeks derailed my chances of being below 200 by July 4th. I'm frustrated that those two weeks happened....but I'm so proud of coming out on the other side. I'm proud of GAINING the perspective that it's just two weeks. Two weeks out of my entire lifetime? No big deal. Especially when you consider the fact that what I've started to learn (and will probably need to relearn) will help me keep the weight off the rest of my life.

I'm understanding why people call it a weight loss journey - because it IS a journey.

This time my eyes are open for pitfalls. This time I want to do it right.


Thanks for reading this far. I was quite the rambler... :)

Fixing a flat

Ugh.

So I didn't get to go to Weight Watchers on Monday night. Long story short, we had a big boss come in that day and I had to dress up super nice - and that meant that I had to wear something different than my jeans and light weight (t-shirt type) material that I typically go to WW in. We were asked to go out to eat with the head honcho and that took me going to WW completely out of the running.

The other thing is that I know that I gained last week...and I guess I didn't really want to relinquish my 50 pound marker just yet. So I also avoided going...even just a little.

This week, so far, I've been HORRIBLE. Like last night I stopped off at Burger King to get a Jr Whopper, fries, and a Butterfinger pie. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I haven't done that for months and months.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it's because I feel like 50 is a lot so I'm still celebrating, I'm not sure if I'm bored, and I'm not sure that it's not eating my stress that I'm going through.

Whatever it is, I WANT to get my act together.

I read on a blog that Jilllian Michaels said, "When you are driving down the freeway and get a flat tire, you don't pull over and slash the other three do you? NO! You fix the flat tire and move on!"

So even though I can't do anything about the previous days this week, I can at least fix my flat tire and go on down the road.

Just remind me that I cleaned up my act when I post about Monday's gain. Remind me that it could've been a lot worse if I had slashed my other three tires. Deal?

I'm not even sure how to feel about it yet

I did well last week. I remained on program and exercised my little patooty. I even stayed true to my not-weighing promise...and slipped up on that on Sunday.

The result?

I lost 5 pounds.

Now, because I didn't weigh myself all week, I have no idea if this was something that I was trending towards or something that was a fluke. Either way, I'm actually pretty happy.

My goal this week is to just NOT gain. If I maintain that huge 5 pound loss, then I can celebrate for real next week.

The thing is, it's Tuesday morning and I'm a little surprised at how NOT freaked out I actually am. I am happy. I went out for pizza with the guy I'm dating and didn't eat anywhere close to as many points as I could've. I woke up this morning and feel really positively towards my weight loss.

I'm at exactly 50 pounds. And I was right...that *is* a lot of weight to lose. But I'm not even halfway there...so now is not the time for freaking out. :) Now is the time where I can recommit and work this program as well as I can.

Don't look down...

So Monday I posted about how I realized that I have an issue with being scared.

I went to WW anyway - and made it a point to talk to Angela, my leader. Can I just tell you that I absolutely heart Angela? She is SUCH a role model and I really admire her. I told her everything - the part about some days being absolutely perfect and others where I'm eating just to eat...and she summed it up with saying that I've got two voices going on...we just need to work on one voice being louder than the other one right now.

I love that idea. Accepting that there is a voice telling me to be scared, telling me to run in the other direction, and telling me to do what I always have done. That voice will probably never go away. Just like the one that tells me that I'm not "enough." But I get to choose to pay attention to that voice or not.

So, I decided that to not freak me out about getting closer to 50, I am not going to weigh myself. Typically, I weigh myself daily - and I'm not going to say that I won't go back to that ever. But this week - no matter how tempted I am - I'm not going to weigh myself. I'm going to concentrate on how I'm feeling and trying to pump up the volume of my healthy voice.

So far, I've done pretty great. I haven't used all of my weekly points and yesterday I was even under my target (not a big deal since I ate many extra on Monday).

Oh - and my weigh in? It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I gained 0.6...so I'm at exactly 45 pounds.

The other thing that I'm going to try to be mindful of is that I'm maintaining a loss of 45 pounds. And that takes a lot of work - for anyone. So even if I bounce a little up and down from time to time, I'm still keeping off the weight that I've worked hard to lose.

I'm trying to make that matter.

Time to face the truth

I joined WW in mid-July of '08. From that day until mid-December, I lost 40 pounds. For the past 2 1/2 months, I've probably only lost 3. I say 3 because my weigh in is today, and I'm pretty sure I've gained a couple from this past week.

I'm a pretty focused person...when I see something I want, I typically go after it.

So I have to face the music and ask myself WHY I'm so clearly not wanting to lose weight. It's not a willpower issue...because I will have days when I am so on program, I could be the poster child for WW. And then I have days like this weekend where I literally am eating things out just because. There is NO reason that I can put my finger on. I'm not hungry. I'm not particularly sad. I'm not angry, and I'm not particularly lonely.

The conclusion that I came to today is that I must be scared.

I'm scared of hitting that 50 pound mark. Scared because losing 50 pounds means that I used to be huge. Scared because 50 pounds is close to the halfway mark that I have set for myself. I'm not sure what else I'm scared of...but I clearly have set 50 pounds as a mental block that I don't want to get past.

The thing is, I DO want to get past it. I do want to lose all my weight. I do want to be thin, I do want to be healthier, and I do want to feel sexy.

Only when I don't.

Because feeling sexy means that you are sexy. And being sexy means that you get attention from men...which means that I would probably start dating people. Which means that I will be vulnerable again. Which means that I might be hurt...yet again.

Being thin means that people look at you in a way as if to say that you have your stuff together. And I so clearly don't. My life is a freakin' mess.

My dad married my mom when she was thin. And as I got older, I heard him comment more and more about how unattractive he thought my mom was. He gave her a Nutri-system subscription for their anniversary one year. The weird thing? My mom NEVER was above a size 12...and she's 5'8". So it's not like she was anywhere close to how big I am currently. It wasn't limited to comments about my mom...it was him saying snide and hurtful comments at the fat woman next to us in traffic, about the lady at church, or about someone at work.

Having the only male figure in your life be so open about his disdain and disgust for people that were heavier than normal made me want to pack on the pounds. I never wanted someone to marry me only to find out that he DIDN'T love me unconditionally when I started getting heavier.

To this day, I still can't get past the idea that any guy would be happy with someone who looks like me. Maybe that's why I felt like I deserved to be cheated on. Maybe that's why I settled for a relationship that didn't have a chance of it succeeding. Maybe that's why I'm currently dating someone even though it's looking like it will never go anywhere.

I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things and am not surprised that it's manifesting itself in my weight.

I guess I feel good that I've recognized that I feel this way. I just don't really know how to move past it. And maybe I need to take a break and just focus on maintaining right now. Maybe I need to get used to my body in this size and see that nothing crazy is happening to me...and then go again.

Before you suggest counseling, please know that I am open to it. I've done it before and it was incredibly helpful. The problem is that with my current health care is that we only get 10 visits. Not 10 visits a year. 10 visits that they help pay for. PERIOD. After that, it's all on me. For the remainder of the time I'm with this company. And I feel like I should save those visits for if one of my parents die or something equally as devastating. I don't have lots of readers on this blog, but if any of you know of a way that I can get supplemental mental health care, I'm all ears.