Friday, March 27, 2009

Deliberately absent

After my flat tire post last week, I decided to group it together. Some times I was better than others...and in the end, I didn't exactly fix the flat, but I also didn't slash the other three tires.

I know I've posted about this before, but I'm constantly amazed at how much better I function with sleep, good food, and exercise. Sometimes I get frustrated that I keep having to re-learn this lesson, but then I remember that it took me 31 years to get the habits that I had...so they probably can't all be erased in the seven months at Weight Watchers.

In fact, I think that acceptance is probably the greatest hurdle I face again and again in my weight loss journey. Acceptance that I'm not losing weight as fast as I was in the beginning, acceptance of the fear that I may gain it back (again), acceptance of the weeks where I didn't do as well as what would've been nice, and acceptance of the new body that is emerging.

When I graduated from college, I was heavier than I'd ever been before in my life (up until that point at least). And I lost some decent weight on a plan called "The Carbohydrates Addict Diet" and was amazed at how cutting out the carbs, even for just two meals, made me feel better. I joined WW then at right about the same weight I am these days. I lost 46 pounds in 4.5 months - even over Thanksgiving and Christmas. I got to be a size 10. And then I started dating, I bought a house, and I started having real stresses at work. And I couldn't adapt. The weight came back on slowly but surely and as of last July, I had gained almost 100 pounds since then. I didn't LEARN how to live better and more healthy.

This time it's different. I'm dating someone and am having to struggle with putting myself and my needs first. I'm having to struggle with constant thoughts that he is going to be frustrated because I can't indulge the way that he can. I've gotten way less sleep than what I have learned again and again my body needs to function properly. I've realized that with lower sleep comes heavy sugar cravings. Cravings lead to me eating "bad" food choices, which leaves me feeling fatigued, which leaves me not wanting to work out.

So the new guy and I talked about it on Tuesday night and I explained to him how I was feeling. And he was very supportive. And I realized that my needs? They're important to him AND myself. And I need to start giving myself the same love and attention that I give others. I find this to be a reoccuring theme on "The Biggest Loser." People that give too much end up giving themselves the gift of being fat. I don't want that gift any more.

Part of me listening to my feelings was not posting my gain this week. It wasn't nearly as much as I had expected and I'm shocked at how this morning, standing on the scale, it appears that I've already lost all that I gained.

I beat myself up for not being "accountable" - not posting my gain on the challenge website, not posting my gain on the ticker above. And then I gave myself permission not to broadcast my faults. I praised myself for being accountable and going back to Weight Watchers. I praised myself for loving myself enough to not parade my shortcoming in front of everyone...because I knew that this week it wouldn't be good for me. I knew that this week I needed all the love and encouragement I could get.

So yes, I gained. I gained more than what I would've liked. I'm frustrated that those two weeks derailed my chances of being below 200 by July 4th. I'm frustrated that those two weeks happened....but I'm so proud of coming out on the other side. I'm proud of GAINING the perspective that it's just two weeks. Two weeks out of my entire lifetime? No big deal. Especially when you consider the fact that what I've started to learn (and will probably need to relearn) will help me keep the weight off the rest of my life.

I'm understanding why people call it a weight loss journey - because it IS a journey.

This time my eyes are open for pitfalls. This time I want to do it right.


Thanks for reading this far. I was quite the rambler... :)

1 Comment:

POD said...

This was a very moving post for me. I had to keep reading. I felt as if we were having a conversation.
You seem to be on the right track though.

I don't know about fat being a gift but I understand it in the context of what you wrote.

I go through such similar things in my relationship with my bf and food.

Keep praising yourself, and reframing those old things we might catch ourselves saying...looking at the gaining of perspective is so much better than the what we might have said years ago.
Great post.