Monday, March 2, 2009

Time to face the truth

I joined WW in mid-July of '08. From that day until mid-December, I lost 40 pounds. For the past 2 1/2 months, I've probably only lost 3. I say 3 because my weigh in is today, and I'm pretty sure I've gained a couple from this past week.

I'm a pretty focused person...when I see something I want, I typically go after it.

So I have to face the music and ask myself WHY I'm so clearly not wanting to lose weight. It's not a willpower issue...because I will have days when I am so on program, I could be the poster child for WW. And then I have days like this weekend where I literally am eating things out just because. There is NO reason that I can put my finger on. I'm not hungry. I'm not particularly sad. I'm not angry, and I'm not particularly lonely.

The conclusion that I came to today is that I must be scared.

I'm scared of hitting that 50 pound mark. Scared because losing 50 pounds means that I used to be huge. Scared because 50 pounds is close to the halfway mark that I have set for myself. I'm not sure what else I'm scared of...but I clearly have set 50 pounds as a mental block that I don't want to get past.

The thing is, I DO want to get past it. I do want to lose all my weight. I do want to be thin, I do want to be healthier, and I do want to feel sexy.

Only when I don't.

Because feeling sexy means that you are sexy. And being sexy means that you get attention from men...which means that I would probably start dating people. Which means that I will be vulnerable again. Which means that I might be hurt...yet again.

Being thin means that people look at you in a way as if to say that you have your stuff together. And I so clearly don't. My life is a freakin' mess.

My dad married my mom when she was thin. And as I got older, I heard him comment more and more about how unattractive he thought my mom was. He gave her a Nutri-system subscription for their anniversary one year. The weird thing? My mom NEVER was above a size 12...and she's 5'8". So it's not like she was anywhere close to how big I am currently. It wasn't limited to comments about my was him saying snide and hurtful comments at the fat woman next to us in traffic, about the lady at church, or about someone at work.

Having the only male figure in your life be so open about his disdain and disgust for people that were heavier than normal made me want to pack on the pounds. I never wanted someone to marry me only to find out that he DIDN'T love me unconditionally when I started getting heavier.

To this day, I still can't get past the idea that any guy would be happy with someone who looks like me. Maybe that's why I felt like I deserved to be cheated on. Maybe that's why I settled for a relationship that didn't have a chance of it succeeding. Maybe that's why I'm currently dating someone even though it's looking like it will never go anywhere.

I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things and am not surprised that it's manifesting itself in my weight.

I guess I feel good that I've recognized that I feel this way. I just don't really know how to move past it. And maybe I need to take a break and just focus on maintaining right now. Maybe I need to get used to my body in this size and see that nothing crazy is happening to me...and then go again.

Before you suggest counseling, please know that I am open to it. I've done it before and it was incredibly helpful. The problem is that with my current health care is that we only get 10 visits. Not 10 visits a year. 10 visits that they help pay for. PERIOD. After that, it's all on me. For the remainder of the time I'm with this company. And I feel like I should save those visits for if one of my parents die or something equally as devastating. I don't have lots of readers on this blog, but if any of you know of a way that I can get supplemental mental health care, I'm all ears.