I'm a lover, not a quitter

This morning I got up early (especially for a Saturday) and decided that I would go for a run/walk at the gym. I've been wanting to continue to use my gym membership, but ever since it's been nice out, I've been doing a lot more activity outside.

As I was walking and running (alternating - I still have to be good to my knees), I realized that this was no fun. I was making myself run or walk at a certain pace. I was hot, sweaty, and wasn't getting any air in my face. I hated it.

So I got off.

I got off the treadmill and decided to walk outside all around where my gym was. There is SUCH a cute neighborhood right by the gym and I loved walking all around, stopping to pick up the brochures of the houses for sale, pausing to pet dogs, and just having a great time.

THAT is healthy.

While my scale may not change a lot in the next few weeks (I'm still dealing with what I posted about last time and I'm being smart to realize that dealing with that is important - not the numbers on the scale right now), I have a moment to pause and congratulate myself for the healthy mindset. 4-5 years ago I wouldn't have gotten off the treadmill and I would've made myself continue - because everyone knows healthy people work out at the gym. If you quit? Well, then you're a quitter...and that is the worst thing in the world.

Now, 4-5 years older, I've realized that taking care of yourself and doing what you want to do IS healthy. It doesn't mean that I'm a quitter. It means that I am starting to put myself first. Instead of hating myself and wondering what others were thinking as I stopped, having only run 1.4 miles on the treadmill, I loved the part of me that loves nature. I loved the part of me that's learning to be flexible, the part of me that's learning that adapting to a change in plans yields some unexpected results. I loved the part of me that's doing what feels good.

And I *feel* healthier. Mind, body, and spirit...it's a great place to start and a great place to keep coming back to.

Thanks for your support people - it means the world!

Moody Clothes

Recently, I went through my closet in search of items that would fit. I suppose the biggest reason for my big serach is that Colorado has decided to act as though it's summer. After a weeks of days in the 60s, it's now in the 90s. The long sleeved shirts I've been clinging to during the last few months are not doing me any favors these days.

As I was gaining weight during the last SEVERAL years, I've had to buy new clothes as different occasions came up. An ex's fancy Christmas Dinner? Why, yes, I'll buy an outfit just for that. Need new pants for work? Yup...I'll buy a couple of those. And somewhere in the mix, I became that woman who wears elastic-waisted pants and skirts and never NEVER tucks in her shirt.

Alright, I still don't usually tuck in my shirt.

BUT I recently realized that I don't have a lot of items that fit me very well. My jeans (other than one pair) have gotten dumpy looking on me again. And skirts that I used to love are...well...too big to even pin.

What I found was two huge stacks of clothes that I had tucked away in a Rubbermaid container and a vacuum sealed bag. When I moved into my new place a year and a half ago, I remembered the determination that I had to fit in these clothes again.

My first thought was: I am so glad that I hung onto them.

See, although I don't have a whole new wardrobe, I do have MANY shirts that I haven't been able to wear in about 5 years. As I tried on each shirt or pants, I found myself getting so excited...twirling around in front of the mirror - surprised that I am actually that small again.

I followed a typical thinking pattern where I tried to remember when the last time I wore that particular piece of clothing. For some things, I remembered when I bought them...but there were a few pieces that I remembered who I was with when I wore them.

Five years ago, when all of these items fit, I had moved to Colorado, started dating this guy that I thought was the man I was going to marry, and entered into a new job that came with a company car and an important sounding title. I had made it.

Only I hadn't.

My new boss was a sexist pig who at one time told me I had to take notes because I was the person without a penis. My new boss was the jerk who told me that I needed to buy men's clothing for our conferences because our group needed to match and since I was the only female in the nation in that position, I should have to conform. Because I had SO many father-figure issues, I silently did what he told me to do. He told me that I was incompetant. He told me I didn't belong. He outwardly shunned me at meetings, encouraging participants of conferences to mock me. And still I took it.

The wonderful guy that I was dating? He morphed into a man who was much more concerned about his own happiness than mine. Here was a guy who lived 15 minutes away from me, but couldn't keep plans that we had made even when I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks. This guy told me, after being hospitalized for signifcant swelling in my brain following a car accident, that I was just too fat for him. I had not changed my size at all since we had started dating...and I was CRUSHED that my worst fears were true - that my dad was right, that fat people are disgusting, and that I was just too big to be loved.

The way that I felt when I last donned these clothes? Crushed, depressed, worthless, and disgusting. I remembered thinking that I was clearly a failure at everything. I didn't have any new friends in Colorado either. So I failed at making friends, I failed in relationships, I failed at work, and I failed at being a decent human being. I hated myself and began the deep spiral downward of depression and struggled. I created a physical and mental buffers that eliminated the chance that people could hurt me as badly again.

And when I remembered all of that, I stopped my swirling in front of the mirror. The smile faded from my face, and I found that I was so sad for the woman I was.

Through positive reviews from the bosses that I've had since then, the listening ears of my friends, family, and therapist, and a LOT of hard work, I've overcome a lot of those feelings. But they still creep back.

I know that my boss was a jerk - not some all-knowing man. I know that the ex had issues of his own and that it was easier to blame our failing relationship on me rather than look inward to himself.

I know those things. I do.

But it's weird. It's weird wearing these clothes and being in a different place, mentally. It's weird having a mindset other than shame while wearing them.

And I don't know how to deal with that yet.

I've hung on to this post for a few days in a hope to process these feelings...and what has surfaced is that when I was in this size before, I didn't actually deal with the feelings. I ate through them and I buried them because I just needed to get through it. I had to keep working until I found another job. I had to keep functioning. Now? Now I have time. I have time to be mad, sad, to grieve and to be frustrated.

I think that's what it's going to take...going through the real emotions to get past them. Not because I want to fit in smaller clothes. But because I want to BE healthier - mentally, physically, and spiritually.

And honestly, I can't be considered healthy if clothes are dictating my feelings...I'm mean, that's just nuts.

Halfway

Look at the ticker at the top of my screen! For the next seven days, you'll see it stating that I am exactly halfway to my goal.

On one hand, I'm excited. 9 months ago, it didn't even seem possible that I could lose 55 pounds. 9 months ago, I realized that I had to lose the weight of a whole Olsen Twin! Now I only have to lose HALF of that.:) 9 months ago, it seemed like a daunting task before me.

On the other hand, I have to realize that everything that I went through for the past 9 months... Yeah, I've got to do that exact same thing - ALL OVER AGAIN. And that's where it seems like a daunting task AGAIN. Realistically, when I'm finished with the weight loss portion of this, it's not like I'm going to live differently. It's not like I'll get to the goal, and then get a bag of magic goodies that "cure" me of overeating. It'll be like...well, my normal everyday life.

Do I feel different today?

Yes. I do have more energy. I have more pride in myself. I know that I am handling stress better and I love that I don't have to worry if I'm too big to ride a ride at the carnival, too big to fit in an airplane seat, too big to shop in trendy stores, and too big to fit in a movie theater seat. These days I don't worry about that much at all (I still have that initial worry...but after a second, I remember that those fears no longer need to plague me).

Huh.

I wonder if when I meet my goal, I'll have that same last thought about how much I'm currently worried that I won't be able to lose it all or keep it off. I wonder if I'll be able to worry about that for a second and then remember that those worries don't need to plague me anymore. That's what having your weight and eating under control must be like. That's what being free of food/eating disorders might feel like.

For the next 55.6 pounds, I'm going to continue to focus on health. I'm going to continue to focus on taking care of me. And I'm going to continue to focus on how good being healthy feels.

Thanks for your support...it means the world to me!

Pretty proud of myself...

This past weigh in I DID gain weight. And as much as I said that I wasn't going to feel bad about it, I DID feel bad about it.

I had a pity party during the meeting and I definitely had a pity party on the way home. I was just so frustrated that I didn't accomplish any of the three goals I set out about the week before: to not continue the trend of losing weight two weeks and then gaining one week, to not gain weight over my birthday week, and to not have made it the halfway point.

I won't say that I've been on track this whole week, but I have been on track most of the week. And since I'm trying to re-condition my knees to compression (aka running), I can pretty much only walk. But you know what? I still walked almost 10 miles this week. A year ago, I couldn't have even imagined that.

I'm realizing that even though my issues with food are not completely gone, they have lessened. When I have a night where I'm not on track that's usually because I ate two bowls of cereal for dinner (which wow - I go through a lot of points that way) instead of because I ate out at an all-you-can-eat place and a huge desert on top of it. And that's just it. I have a night - or even a day or two of not being on track, instead of a week or months off track - which is how I was before.

I am getting better...and I guess that I've come to the conclusion that it's when your weight loss is the slowest that you're REALLY learning things...or at least that's how it is for me. When it was easy, it was easy. Now that it's a bit harder to remain consistent, I'm really learning what issues lie behind the food...and what issues I simply need to release.

Yep - I am pretty proud of myself.

It will have been worth it

I weigh in tonight - in just over an hour and I was FAMISHED. My stomach was growling, my blood sugar was low, and I was starting to get woozy.

So, I did the healthy thing and ate. I'm usually really strict about what I eat before my weigh in...and usually I'm completely fine. Today was another story altogether and it's been a long time since I've felt this bad.

I only had a 1/4 cup of almonds and some water...but this close to weigh in, that could mean a significant gain.

But I'm telling myself that even if I gain today, it will have been worth it. Health is going to win this time.

Hey baby, what's your number?

How do you find out what number your weight loss goal should be?

I'm genuinely perplexed as I have no real idea what mine should be. I posted about this on Slackey's blog, but I'm kind of at a loss for what that final number should be.

I feel this way for two reasons:
1) to get to the top end of my goal weight (accordig to WW), I should lose another 55 pounds or so. At this rate of weight loss (pounds vs pants size), I would be about a size 6. A size 6 on a big boned 5'9" frame sounds too little to me.
2) I've been doing reading about how the BMI is a bunch of hooey. That's where WW gets it's ranges from. Apparently BMI (because it only takes into account your weight and height) is not as great of a measure. It doesn't take (too much) into account your frame and your muscle mass. But BMI is what most healthy weight ranges base themselves on...so it's like this weird vicious cycle.

I don't know if I've lost perspective on this though. I've been heavy for so long that I don't even know what we SHOULD weigh. Americans are obese (that's no surprise) so I'm not going to be surprised that as I lose weight people will be telling me to stop, that I'm getting too thin. That's what happened when I lost weight the first time, and I was 14 pounds away from reaching the upper end of the WW goal. And to be honest, it was daunting dealing with all of those people who felt that it was their personal responsibility to tell you what was too fast and what was or wasn't healthy. It's not like they were doctors, they were just co-workers. Anyway, that's another topic all together (sorry for the rambling).

I guess I'm just wondering how people decide when to stop or what number to aim for. Any ideas? Suggestions?

Thanks, Bonnie!

I received this award from Bonnie and it's the first one I've ever gotten for my Smaller Fun Pants blog. And I couldn't be happier! :)

As with most blogging awards, there comes a set of rules!

Here's what you do when you have received the "Super Blogger" award:

Tape it up on your blog somewhere.

Pass it along to 5 fellow super bloggers, and comment on their blog to let them know how lucky they are today!

When you present your Super Blogger awards, link back to the super blogger who gave it to you.

Alright, so I'm giving it to these people:

POD- she really seems to "get" me - and is always so encouraging when I seem to most need it. Her comments have kept me going and kept this blog as honest as it is (which is very).

Slackey - sometimes I think that she is my long long little sister - we seem to have the same issues and I am so thankful that her spunky self came into my virtual world.

Back to the Fridge- Charlie is HILARIOUS and even though he's a guy (gasp!) he's totally dealing with the same weight loss issues as everyone else.

Chubby Chick - She is so motivational and has a really positive outlook. I simply adore her and her blog.

Fat Bridesmaid - Alright, her fashion sense is off the hook and she tells it like it is. :)