Looking back

I love this time of year, but I didn't always. See, when I was a teenager, our family took turns hosting a New Year's party for our immediate family and those that were close friends from church. My mom went on this stint for a few years where she made us, as part of the nightly festivities, write down a resolution on three separate pieces of paper. We'd seal them in three separate envelopes with our address on it. She'd mail one letter to us after a month, after 4 months, and after 8 months.

I never kept my resolution past month one and, as a teenager, it was ALWAYS weight related. Somehow I think I got the resolution writing down business confused with letters to Santa when I was younger. For the most part, I was lucky as a kid - I usually got what I wrote Santa for. Not so much the case when it came to writing down a resolution to lose weight.

The first envelope came and I'd resolve to do better the next month - no matter what! Inevitably, I'd hear chocolate chip cookies call or the lure of fast food and I'd never keep my resolution past the next week.

But then letter number two came and I found fresh new resolve. I'd do it so that I could succeed by the end of the year - I just knew it! Only then I'd get stressed about my home life and comfort myself via food.

I never bothered to open the third letter.

I'm looking back on 2009. I started the year 16 pounds heavier than what I was at this past Monday's weigh in. I lost 40 pounds in the last four months of 2008. A part of me is somehow sad that I don't have more to show for 2009, weight wise.

And then I remember...

Not only did I keep off the 40 pounds that I had lost in 2008, I lost another 16 pounds.

I faced some real demons regarding my family's history.

I started dating someone - someone who loves to eat out, thereby facing a host of new challenges.

I actually started dating someone - I let myself be open to the possibility of a love of my lifetime or a pile of hurt at the end of the relationship. I don't know which way it's going to end...but I do know that being vulnerable again isn't as comfortable as I'd like for it to be.

I started seeing a therapist. One that's helping me deal with past traumas in a helpful way. She is helping me get back in touch with my emotions, ones that I've stuffed so far down with food that they're almost foreign to me. She is helping me to cope with life's stresses without food.

As I write this, my income is uncertain. My love life is uncertain. The traumas of my life have not met closure yet...

BUT...

I'm in a better place - emotionally and physically - than what I was at this time last year..

So yeah, I've only lost 16 pounds in 2009. But my resolution last year to be healthier in mind, body, and spirit DID get met.

What are you most proud of in 2009?

I was bumped in Denver and all I got was this lousy t-shirt...

A few months ago, I bought an airplane ticket to go to Chicago for Christmas. My father and grandmother live there and my two sisters were planning on being there for the holidays. I paid for the ticket online via United's website. I paid with my credit card. I got a confirmation number stating that I had bought my ticket.

On Monday morning, I got an email from United Airlines - stating that I was now free to check in. I checked in online 23 hours before my flight took off. United Airlines gave me four chances to upgrade my seat...but since I had already paid almost $600 for my seat, I didn't really want to pay more money. Four times, I clicked the button that indicated that I'd keep my plain ol' seat.

When I clicked through and printed what should have been my boarding pass, I saw that it was actually a travel document, not a boarding pass. I called the 800 number and was assured I had a seat.

Tuesday morning, I checked in at the airport over two hours before my flight was to take off and asked the agent about the travel document labeling. "Oh!", she said. "That happens all the time. They'll assign you a seat at the gate."

I went to the gate and immediately stood in line hoping that the agent would assign me a seat.

They did not ever assign me a seat.

Turns out, you can be "involuntarily denied boarding" because the airline oversells seats. They needed 15 people to be willing to take later flights in order for me to board the flight. They only got 12.

We were told that they would try to get us out that day, but they couldn't make any promises. Since I only had 3 full days with my family planned, losing a whole day and night did not exactly make my day.

In the end, after raising my voice and explaining my needs to the agent, the supervisor, and eventually the director, I (and two other people that were also "involuntarily denied boarding") got seats on the next flight out and the promise of a round trip ticket for free.

I'm not proud of the way that I acted towards the agent, the supervisor, and the director. I was so mad at the time. I still think it's absurd that you can BUY a ticket, you can check-in 24 hours early, you can show up at the airport early and you can do everything right and you STILL don't get what you were promised.

For the past 15 years, ever since I starting taking flights by myself, the airport meant frozen yogurt, chips, candy, greasy fast food, and anything else I could think to indulge in. Somehow I'd convinced myself that diets didn't matter in the airport. Doesn't everyone know it's so hard to eat healthfully in the airport? So then, why even try? High fat and calorie food choices are everywhere in airports. Everyone eats it, so who am I to be different? Traveling is the perfect excuse to eat whatever I want - a built in alibi.

The thing is, after I got a new boarding pass, I realized I was hungry. My sensible breakfast in the morning (one I'll share in a later post) had worn off as it was now 5 hours later. I had (smartly, I think) sliced apples at home and put lime juice on them to keep them from turning brown. I had the slices in a baggie, but I knew that wasn't going to hold me another 4 hours.

I could've decided that that morning had been hard enough and that I DESERVED to treat myself. I was still pissed that I was in that situation. I was mad that I was inconvenienced. I was sad that I wouldn't get to see my sisters until much later. I was worried that my dad was going to get mad at me for being late. I was sad that I wasn't going to see my grandma at all that day...she has dementia and who knows how many more visits I have left to see her? I was disappointed with how I acted towards the agents. Just because they were poopy heads doesn't mean that I had to stoop to their level. I wanted sugar, I wanted the lift of simple carbs. I wanted to just feel better. I could've decided to eat my emotions.

OR I could've taken the time (and boy did I have a bunch of it!) to find a healthy alternative even if it was in another terminal.

And, that, my friends, is exactly what I did.

I ended up going to Itza Wrap/Itza Bowl and had a few bites of brown rice, veggies, and chicken. It wasn't delicious. It wasn't soothing. But it was the healthiest option I had at the time. It wasn't a decision I made out of emotion.

As I sat at the table and stared down at my food, I realized that for the first time in my adult life, I actually ate something healthy ON PURPOSE at the airport.

And that's when it hit me... Airports aren't kind to diets. But I'm not on a diet. My new way of living involves me forgiving myself for some bad choices that I make involving how I treat other people. My new way of living doesn't involve me soothing myself with food. My new way of living allows me to treat my body with respect and to honor it by giving it the fuel it needs.

I'm not perfect. Even though I've had this "new way of living" as a mindset for many months, I don't follow this approach all of the time. But I did THIS time. And this moment, right now, is what matters.

I know that the agents didn't mean to be crappy to the passengers of my flight. I know that they were stressed. I know that getting bumped from a flight sucks, but it wasn't THAT big of a deal. Sometimes bad luck just happens.

It's like that adage - if the problem isn't hunger, the solution isn't food. Eating crappily wouldn't have changed my situation, so why do it? Why fill my body with foods that would make it feel more sluggish and possibly have made my headache at the time worse?

I changed a habit on Tuesday morning...and THAT is worth way more than a round trip ticket any day.

What's cookin', good lookin'?

Almost all of my life I've been a picky eater. If it had any vegetable on it, I probably turned up my nose and went on. I'd pick through my mom's casseroles for the grains of rice and beef and would discard any thing that looked like it would taste gross (i.e. everything else in the casserole).

During the past few years, I've opted to branch out. I've tried new things and have tried eating the items as they are on the menu without a ton of omissions. I've found that I actually like zucchini, carrots, onions, and mushrooms. Instead of wanting my hamburgers with cheese, mayo, and ketchup only, I eat them with many veggies and no mayo. I've found that I love the burgers more when prepared this way. Who'd have thought? Definitely not the 6 year old me.

But cooking? It's still a little intimidating to me. I used to think that I had to look at the recipe and if I didn't have all of the ingredients (or if I didn't think that I liked all of the ingredients), then I shouldn't cook it.

So basically, this explains the THOUSANDS of dollars I've spent on fast food in my life.

I've only recently tried to cook. It's hard to do in my smaller than small kitchen. I've fallen into a rut during the last two years of having one of a few different breakfasts, one of a few different lunches, and one of a few different dinners. I still eat out more than not.

Given the unstable work environment I'm now in, I'm determined to save money and brush up on my cooking skills. I'd like to be able to have guests over and know what I could fix them without calling my mom in a panic. I'd like to be able to look in my fridge and figure out what I could make out of the various ingredients I have.

I want to continue to build on my healthy relationship with food. I want to get more enjoyment out of my food by preparing it instead of just eating more of whatever food I happened to pick up on the way home.

So I've been looking for cook books or websites that meet the following criteria:


1) They have to be easy to prepare.
2) They have to not require a bunch of ingredients because I don't have the space for lots of them AND I don't want to waste money by not using all of them before they go bad.
3) They can't make 6-8 servings per recipe. I don't usually like leftovers but I can bring myself to eat a few - just not 7.
4) They have to be healthy (like low in points, low in fat, high in fiber, or high in protein).

Not a lot of cookbooks/sites meet these needs. If you have any ideas, I'd love to know about them!

So I came across "Hungry Girl's 200 recipes below 200 calories" in Amazon.com a few weeks ago. I got free shipping from Amazon.com for a month and because this book was only $11 and change and I thought that I might as well purchase it to try it.

Here's what I found: all of the recipes feature items that are easy to have on hand - and pretty much all of them are packaged and processed. Most of the recipes are for sweet foods - lots of cookies, cupcakes, treats, and sweet breakfasts/lunches. All of the recipes are 4 points or less per serving and the serving sizes look pretty reasonable. AND there aren't a bunch of servings in each recipe. The list of ingredients are usually pretty small in number and it seems manageable.

I love everything about this cookbook other than that there is a lot of sweet items featured and I usually like savory items more. There are many savory items, just not as many as I would've hoped for. I'm looking for meals that I can make quickly and easily and these seem to fit the bill. The only other problem I have is with the amount of "fake food" in it. I'm not too bothered with this now because I figure this is a good way to get my feet wet in the world of cooking.

So far, I've written all of the points values by each recipe (those values and pictures can be found here). I also printed off the thumbnail pictures and taped them by each recipe so I can see what it looks like.

I've only tried one thing - "The Choco-Monkey Oatmeal." The recipe calls for some cinnamon, a package of low calorie cocoa mix, some salt, a sugar substitute packet, a half of a mashed banana, and (of course) oatmeal. I don't really know how to get permission to write the recipe here so I won't, but I'm sure that you're smart and can figure out how to mix it all up. Anyway, I tried it (as directed) yesterday and found that without some protein in it, I was ravenously hungry within two hours.

So today, I did something I haven't done before. I adapted the recipe! :)

I took out the sugar substitute, knowing that sugary type things in the morning sometimes triggers me to crave other sugary things throughout the day. And I added a tablespoon and a half of reduced fat peanut butter.

I am SO happy with my adaptation! It added protein and was very filling and satisfying. It was a bit thicker (almost like undercooked cake batter) so I'll add some more water tomorrow and adapt from there. The addition of the peanut butter made the breakfast only 6 points...which is pretty good for me - especially since if I eat well for breakfast, the rest of the day seems to go smoother.

There are a lot of other recipes that I want to try - ones that look easy to prepare ahead of time and then take with me to work. There are quite a few that require microwaving rather than pots and pans...which is the solution to my small kitchen issues.

I'm sure that there are those that will turn up their noses at this type of cooking...and maybe years from now I'll be like them. But for now, this is a manageable gap between cooking one meal a month and cooking a few a week.

It's progress, it's healthier than what I was doing, and it's fun. As cheesy as it sounds, THAT is the recipe for healthier living.

Up a little, down a lot

My Weight Watchers meeting was last night...and I gained 1.6 pounds.

I hate going to the meetings when I gain. I hate walking into the facility knowing that I am heavier and knowing that I'm farther back in my goals than I'd like to admit.

But something happens EVERY TIME I get off the scale after I've gained.

The world keeps spinning. People laugh. Babies are born.

And no one, excluding myself, cares that I gained.

I know why I gained - it's easy. My week was filled with good foods and next to no exercise. I'm not a doctor or a nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure that eating more than you should and moving less means that you end up gaining.

This past week I've had a lot of ups and downs. I've ridden this rollercoaster of emotions tied to my facility being shut down and us not knowing anything. At one point last week, I was fully prepared to take any job they offered me.

And then?

Well, then I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. My sweet, wonderful, loving, fantastic, and supportive boyfriend. And then? Well, then I didn't want to leave at all.

He and I went snowshoeing for the first time this weekend and it was a bunch of fun and a good work out. It's kind of a pain in the butt to go so far away (four hour round trip) but we were so blessed to have friends that lent us the snowshoes, poles, and even a pack to put our water and granola bars in. We got to try the sport for free and although it's not something I can see us doing often, it was a bunch of fun and something neat to mix up our exercise.

And because I can't possibly be the only person who wonders what people out there in the blog-o-sphere look like, here is a picture of us outside snowshoeing (you'll have to trust me on that one) while it was snowing.
Today marks one week from when we found out that the facility is closing...and I've mourned and worried enough for now. I've been down a lot this past week...but today I'm taking my life back.
Sure, I'm still a little worried about what is to come. I am applying for jobs here in Denver daily - hoping that something will turn up where it is a job I'd like, that it pays more than what I'm making now, and that it is here in Denver.

I'm not so naive to think that there are oodles of those jobs out there, but it just takes one, right?

And today, I've gotten back on track exercise and eating wise. I've packed my sensible lunch. I've packed snacks. I've brought my running gear so that I can run in 40 degree weather at lunch. Will I be cold? Probably. I know that after taking two weeks off, I won't run as fast or as far.

But it will feel SO good to get back into the swing of things.

Motivation, from a different source

So yesterday morning at work, all of us were called into the conference room and told that our facility is being shut down.

And wow was it a shock. In fact, I feel a little betrayed by one of the managers here, but that's a different story for a different day.

Basically, someone in upper management of our huge company decided that a good way to save money would be to take the early-out option of ANY building's leases. Ours just happened to be first.

The rub of it is, we are actually the star facility of the company. Seriously. Our bookings and shipment numbers are ALWAYS above where they should be. Other measurements that are trackable are great too. That's one of the many ways that I just didn't see this coming.

We were told that each employee falls into three categories:
1) We might be let go and given a severance package
b) We might be offered relocation to go to a different site - although the job we're offered may not be what we have or anything that we would want
iii) We might be allowed to work from home.

We were told that we have jobs until April. We were told that we will find out which category we fall into by the end of January. And that's basically it.

Yesterday, I found myself being pretty optimistic for people at work. But on the way home, I broke down.

The fear of the unknown creeps in and even though I know realisticallythat I'll probably be fine, I'm having anxiety.

Scratch that. I'm having a lot of anxiety.

So I went through the normal cycle of emotions and I find myself thinking about things that I can cut out of my budget. Do I really need the gym membership? No. Do I really need the channels of TV that I have? No. Do I really need Weight Watchers?

And that's the thing, right? I mean, I've been sort of dicking around with it for the past 9 months. That's $360. And I could use the $360 right about now.

But I've stopped and thought about how I can save money in other ways. I'm determined to have my WW fee be the last thing that goes. Because although it is expensive, it helps me much more than other things do. It's my support - given to me weekly. The people there know my name, they know my story, and they want me to succeed - much like the readers of this blog.

The other thing is, as long as I'm committed to paying the money, I might as well actually work the program. I'm proud of the sustained weight loss that I've achieved up until this point. And I know that the scale *is* moving in the right direction. But I also know that I can work my butt off (literally) until the last day I work here.

The reality is, I don't know what is going to happen in the next five months any more than you do. But I do know that I can change my reactions to things and I can work to make something more positive in my life (like my health) even when it seems that things are hopeless.

I'm not hopeless. And neither is my weight loss journey.

I just wanna' be normal

I read Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit's post about how he finally got to be "normal" according to his Wii Fit.

And it was so inspiring.

Pretty much all of my adult life, I've been considered obese by BMI standards. Now, I am a tall girl so I'm not altogether certain that the BMI should be the end all be all of measurements...but I honor that most health experts feel that it is a good measurement. The range (at least for my height) is 43 pounds. And to be honest, it seems like most people (at my height) should be able to fit in that range. It's how Weight Watchers sets it's goals and in lieu of other hard calculations, it seems to be pretty workable.

I have lots of goals - some number related and some not.

I'm looking forward to the day of when my boyfriend asks if I am cold and if I'd like to borrow a jacket, sweater, or sweatshirt from him, I can say "yes" and know that it will fit.

I can't wait until I'm able to mark "M" for my t-shirt size for races.

I can't wait until I'm able to look at my closet and KNOW that any one of those pieces of clothing will fit because my weight doesn't fluctuate by complete sizes on a regular basis.

I can't wait until I get to buy nice things and know that they will be around for years because I'm committed to staying the size I am.

I can't wait to get under 200 pounds (I'm close!).

I can't wait to get to the lowest weight I've been as an adult (182).

But I really can't wait until I get to my goal weight and am finally considered "normal."



P.S. I am aware that I am pittifully low on graphics in posts. So today I wanted to find some image that screamed "normal" to me. So I decided to go to google.com and search the images section for "normal." And WOW. Apparently "normal" means show me women's body parts. I'm still a little shocked.

Hooray! :)

Happy Monday!

I am THRILLED to announce that there will be no babies in my future anytime soon. Good grief! Even though the odds were in my favor, I was definitely worried.

I've also re-realized that my PMS symptoms are worse on this particular form of birth control. Don't get me wrong, I won't be switching from it anytime soon, but the constant wanting to eat things was out of control! I also need to be more aware of how much sleep my body needs, especially during that fantastic time of the month. In fact, on Thursday night, I fell asleep at 8 PM because I was so tired. When I don't get enough sleep, my body craves food - of all types, but especially carbs - to keep it awake and energized. So I'm going to really try to keep that in mind for next month. Sleep = good stuff.

In other news, I had a fantastic weekend. It has been snowing here in Denver for the past 24 hours - and it's supposed to snow for the next couple of days. Obviously, running is out...but I'm going to start going to the gym more. I miss my running when it's icky outside, so I want to find ways where I can work it in. I am debating being the good neighbor and shoveling everyone's walkways tonight. It's great exercise and everyone benefits. :) And because I'm curious, what do you do for exercise when the weather gets cold?

Oh - and this weekend, my boyfriend and I went to Costco where I successfully avoided the tasters. I find myself wanting to eat the samples because they're free...and sometimes only because they're free. Does anyone else have the same issue? When I stop and ask myself if I even WANT that food, I usually don't.

I did, however, buy three new workout DVDs at Costco. We had a coupon where they were only 5.99 each - and so I got two of Jillian Michael's workouts and a Yoga one. I like Jillian's because I really like the circuit training on the DVDs. I've done 30 Day Shred for several weeks in a row and somehow the last circuit is okay when you know that it's the last one. Plus, from what I've read, it seems like that's a smarter way to work out. It's also going to be a great way to introduce the weights back into my routine, which is another one of my goals. Besides, it's something other than the gym that I can do to move my body more when it's cold outside. Can you tell that I really want suggestions on this? :)

This weekend I definitely turned the train around. I had sensible meal options and smart snacks. Although I didn't work much exercise in, I did things that were good to my body. The scale is down from last week, although the weigh in tonight will verify that that is actually the case.

Best of all, today I have the feeling that I can tackle anything...and these days are sometimes rare, so I'm really going to enjoy this feeling.

Oh - and the good thing that I'm doing for myself today? I'm going to really enjoy sipping on some hot decaf tea while looking out the window every now and again watching the snow fall.

More of the same

Well, I didn't do as well last night as I had hoped I would have. My actual meal was fine - duck with rice and pears. I only ate half and my rail thin boyfriend ate all of his AND the rest of mine. I skipped the bread basket, had one glass of wine, and three bites of a key lime pie.

The problem is that since my boyfriend got out of work late, we weren't going to eat until much later. This meant that I knew that I had to have a snack...and my snack wasn't healthy. THEN when I got home, I heard a glass of milk and two heated up cookies (WW ones - one point each) calling my name from the kitchen.

So, I did go over points...and today although I'm still in my points range, I'm really struggling. I'm having a hard time figuring out if I'm actually hungry or if I just have this deep desire to eat. Because I have to tell you, I'm really wanting to crunch through a lot of stuff. I'm not bored and my stomach is feeling SOMETHING (although it's not really hunger per se).

I think what's bothering me most of all is that I'm not quite sure what IS going on...

Anyway, I'm battling it right now with gum (barely), but basically I'm having to white knuckle through this today. I mean, usually I'm really good about chewing a piece of gum for a long time...but all day today and yesterday I'm choosing one until it starts to lose it's flavor and then getting a new piece.

I think that if I'm still feeling this way tomorrow, I'm going to take a look at refined sugars and where they might be lurking in the foods I'm eating. My body is craving something...I just don't know what exactly.

AND I had the worst time getting up this morning (again!). So I'm going to go home, eat a dinner that I prepare (nothing take home), clean more of my place (which I did do some of yesterday) and then go to bed as early as possible. I figure I can battle through things easier when I've got sleep on my side.

I am realizing that although I didn't exactly turn the train around, I've certainly slowed it's momentum.

And for now, that's going to have to be enough.

Turning around the train

Wow.

It's been a LONG time since I've written a post like this, but I'm kind of struggling lately.

See, yesterday was yet another day in a long line of days that I had tons of crap to do after work. Here's where you guys with kids start rolling your eyes and want to stab me...because most days of the week, I don't really have anything to do after I get home but sit and watch TV, go for a run, play with my dog, read a book, or maybe catch up on the phone with friends.

So today marks day #15 in a row that I HAD to get stuff done. The last thing I wanted to do was run to the grocery store, battle the cold front without my jacket, and stand in long lines at the grocery store. But I did because I was down to milk, cheese, and beer in my fridge. And I've eaten out every meal (except for breakfast where I've had Wheat Thins and peanut butter) since I got back in town.

The problem was that I was SO hungry by the time that I got to the grocery store that I wanted to make some seriously bad decisions. The fruit didn't look good, the veggies weren't appetizing in the least, but what did look good? A food that has been on my RED LIGHT foods list for years.

I bought three of those damn Betty Crocker Warm Delights things. If you don't know what they are, do yourself a favor and skip to the next paragraph. If, on the other hand, you're like me then you know that they're "single" serving dishes that have brownie mix and peanut butter chips in them. You add a bit of water, nuke the mixture for about 45 seconds and then dive into some seriously great peanut butter brownie goodness. The only thing that makes it better is adding about five thousand cups of peanut butter chips in the mixture. Each bowl has 400 calories and 14 grams of fat. And that's before the mound of chips I put in it.

And in case you're wondering, that's exactly what I had yesterday for "dessert." To be fair, I only had one. But the point is, I wasn't eating MINDFULLY. The "meal" that I had was a hodge podge of items like cheese and crackers, some rice, and some cereal. I mindlessly ate carbs...and when I realize that, I usually have a moment where I realize that when I'm eating carbs like that, something else is going on.

I was exhausted. My house is a disaster area for various reasons. My dog is not doing well (HELLO! Story of her life!). I'm getting sick. I'm PMSing (or at least I really hope so. The BF and I had one close call this month while I was switching birth control methods and I'm REALLY freaked out about that right about now).

And so I sat in front of the TV, watching "The Biggest Loser" where people were running an F--ing MARATHON after losing 201 pounds in 5 months, eating basically brownie batter.

I hated myself in that moment. I haven't been "that person" in a long while. Hell, I thought that I wouldn't ever return to be "that person."

So I got up, went to bed. I read a book for a while and set the alarm for early to battle the snow that hadn't yet fallen.

This morning, I woke up with congestion (and a sore throat along with drainage and hurt ears), worrying even more about being preggo (even though logically, I recognize that it probably isn't an issue), and had the mother of all headaches. Carb overloads do that to me EVERY TIME.

What can I say? Sometimes I'm apparently slow.

But I'm determined to make yesterday be the stop in the overeating and mindlessly eating phase. I wrote a phrase yesterday that has kind of haunted me..."I'd settle for 60 pounds gone."

SETTLE FOR?

Nope. Any pound I've lost has had to be earned...it didn't just happen. I worked for them. And the slow gain the last three weeks have shown that I didn't work to be healthy.

So today, I turned the crazy train around.

I dumped the peanut butter chips down the garbage in a cascade of chips. I brought the other two desert dishes and gave them to a single, skinny guy at work. I ate an english muffin with egg today for breakfast. And for lunch, I'm having soup (again, it's chilly and snowy outside, so I like stuff that is warm).

Tonight my boyfriend and I are celebrating his birthday - at a restaurant of his choosing (he hasn't made up his mind yet as to where we're going). I'm sure he'll get dessert...but I'll encourge him to get the one that I wouldn't like anyway.

Any other week, I'd say that I could have the dessert or dish that I want - just in moderation. But I know myself well enough to know that I have to stop this slow slide into mindless eating NOW. And the best way to do that is to gain control today. Eating a dessert I would really love and getting the dish I would most enjoy today would mean that I'm giving myself permission to "start again tomorrow." I want to prove to myself that celebrations are about more than the food.

The best way that I can turn the train around is to make a conscious decision right now about what I'm going to eat. I don't have to think about tomorrow or next week or next year. But I can decide to eat healthfully and mindfully today.

Tonight, I will choose a sensible dish. I will concentrate on how happy I am that my boyfriend was born and NOT on the food.

My thing that I'm doing to pamper myself today? I'm wearing fake fur lined boots. :) And on days where it's so chilly and icky outside, my boots make me feel warm and comfy. I'm also drinking tea and taking Zicam and DayQuill. I may still be sick and (hopefully) PMSing...but at least I can feel comfort in being good to myself.

Home IN the range

Last night I went to my Weight Watchers meeting...and this was after me knowing that I had gained a few pounds.

In the past, I really would've beaten myself up about gaining weight. I wanted to be at 75 pounds down by New Years. Now I'll settle for just reaching 60 pounds gone.

I COULD beat myself up about gaining weight. In fact, I started to write all the things that I could beat myself up about...but I found myself not even wanting to finish the sentence. I don't want to write down all the hateful things I could say to myself.

The truth is, no one should ever strive to weigh the exact same number each day. No matter what, people should not live and die by that number.

Weight Watchers asks you to pick a goal weight. And then stay plus or minus 2 pounds from that number. And if you think about it, that should be pretty doable. You've got a 4 pound swing there - and you really have quite a bit of flexibility in that swing. I mean, I ate a bunch of extra food this past week and I only gained 2.4 pounds. Staying within a 4 pound range should be doable.

This point was really driven home for me last week on "The Biggest Loser: Where are they now?" special from last week. I do have some things that I COMPLETELY do not agree to or with about that special, but there were two things that really stood out (in a positive way) for me. One I'll write about later. The other one is my point for today.

Each contestant was apparently supposed to say what their starting weight was at the beginning of the show and what they weigh now. Then they were to talk about their life now.

Several of the contestants said "I weigh XXX."

But there were a few that I said something along the lines of "I fluctuate between XXX and XXX."

And that's when it hit me, it's okay to live and be at home IN the range. In fact, it's healthy to be that way.

People should be able to feel that they can eat more during special occasions...and if they don't kick up their activity, they will gain weight. It's not emotional, it's just math. The difference is that when you've got a healthy mindset, you don't let yourself stay at the higher weight. You do what it takes to get the weight back down to whatever you've deemed your healthy weight is.

The difference is love versus hate. It's knowing yourself and your body and having an upper weight that you triggers you to realize that something is going on with your body. The upper weight limit, whatever it may be, tells you "Hey you! I love you! When you're at this number it means something else is going on. Are you stressed? Are you okay? Are you putting others before yourself? What can I do to take care of you?"

Hitting that upper limit shouldn't be an opportunity to berate yourself. Instead, it should be a way to show yourself love.

I can't wait until I'm at home in my range....