Turning around the train

Wow.

It's been a LONG time since I've written a post like this, but I'm kind of struggling lately.

See, yesterday was yet another day in a long line of days that I had tons of crap to do after work. Here's where you guys with kids start rolling your eyes and want to stab me...because most days of the week, I don't really have anything to do after I get home but sit and watch TV, go for a run, play with my dog, read a book, or maybe catch up on the phone with friends.

So today marks day #15 in a row that I HAD to get stuff done. The last thing I wanted to do was run to the grocery store, battle the cold front without my jacket, and stand in long lines at the grocery store. But I did because I was down to milk, cheese, and beer in my fridge. And I've eaten out every meal (except for breakfast where I've had Wheat Thins and peanut butter) since I got back in town.

The problem was that I was SO hungry by the time that I got to the grocery store that I wanted to make some seriously bad decisions. The fruit didn't look good, the veggies weren't appetizing in the least, but what did look good? A food that has been on my RED LIGHT foods list for years.

I bought three of those damn Betty Crocker Warm Delights things. If you don't know what they are, do yourself a favor and skip to the next paragraph. If, on the other hand, you're like me then you know that they're "single" serving dishes that have brownie mix and peanut butter chips in them. You add a bit of water, nuke the mixture for about 45 seconds and then dive into some seriously great peanut butter brownie goodness. The only thing that makes it better is adding about five thousand cups of peanut butter chips in the mixture. Each bowl has 400 calories and 14 grams of fat. And that's before the mound of chips I put in it.

And in case you're wondering, that's exactly what I had yesterday for "dessert." To be fair, I only had one. But the point is, I wasn't eating MINDFULLY. The "meal" that I had was a hodge podge of items like cheese and crackers, some rice, and some cereal. I mindlessly ate carbs...and when I realize that, I usually have a moment where I realize that when I'm eating carbs like that, something else is going on.

I was exhausted. My house is a disaster area for various reasons. My dog is not doing well (HELLO! Story of her life!). I'm getting sick. I'm PMSing (or at least I really hope so. The BF and I had one close call this month while I was switching birth control methods and I'm REALLY freaked out about that right about now).

And so I sat in front of the TV, watching "The Biggest Loser" where people were running an F--ing MARATHON after losing 201 pounds in 5 months, eating basically brownie batter.

I hated myself in that moment. I haven't been "that person" in a long while. Hell, I thought that I wouldn't ever return to be "that person."

So I got up, went to bed. I read a book for a while and set the alarm for early to battle the snow that hadn't yet fallen.

This morning, I woke up with congestion (and a sore throat along with drainage and hurt ears), worrying even more about being preggo (even though logically, I recognize that it probably isn't an issue), and had the mother of all headaches. Carb overloads do that to me EVERY TIME.

What can I say? Sometimes I'm apparently slow.

But I'm determined to make yesterday be the stop in the overeating and mindlessly eating phase. I wrote a phrase yesterday that has kind of haunted me..."I'd settle for 60 pounds gone."

SETTLE FOR?

Nope. Any pound I've lost has had to be earned...it didn't just happen. I worked for them. And the slow gain the last three weeks have shown that I didn't work to be healthy.

So today, I turned the crazy train around.

I dumped the peanut butter chips down the garbage in a cascade of chips. I brought the other two desert dishes and gave them to a single, skinny guy at work. I ate an english muffin with egg today for breakfast. And for lunch, I'm having soup (again, it's chilly and snowy outside, so I like stuff that is warm).

Tonight my boyfriend and I are celebrating his birthday - at a restaurant of his choosing (he hasn't made up his mind yet as to where we're going). I'm sure he'll get dessert...but I'll encourge him to get the one that I wouldn't like anyway.

Any other week, I'd say that I could have the dessert or dish that I want - just in moderation. But I know myself well enough to know that I have to stop this slow slide into mindless eating NOW. And the best way to do that is to gain control today. Eating a dessert I would really love and getting the dish I would most enjoy today would mean that I'm giving myself permission to "start again tomorrow." I want to prove to myself that celebrations are about more than the food.

The best way that I can turn the train around is to make a conscious decision right now about what I'm going to eat. I don't have to think about tomorrow or next week or next year. But I can decide to eat healthfully and mindfully today.

Tonight, I will choose a sensible dish. I will concentrate on how happy I am that my boyfriend was born and NOT on the food.

My thing that I'm doing to pamper myself today? I'm wearing fake fur lined boots. :) And on days where it's so chilly and icky outside, my boots make me feel warm and comfy. I'm also drinking tea and taking Zicam and DayQuill. I may still be sick and (hopefully) PMSing...but at least I can feel comfort in being good to myself.