Monday, November 3, 2008

Self Sabotage

So I realized this past week, as I was sabotaging what I have worked SO hard for that it was me getting in the way of me.

Maybe there was something going around, but today there were several blogs posted on this subject.

Stephanie posted about her revelation. That when we sabotage ourselves, we're really playing the role of a punisher. And I so get that. I have held myself to such high expectations by should-ing all over myself. And really it's silly. Because if someone takes days or weeks or months to call me back I don't think they're worse as a person. But if I don't call someone back, then I feel horrible. This, of course, means that in my life of constant checks and balances, that I should be some sort of demerit.

I think if I took more enjoyment in the actual eating of the food, even if I overeat, that it would be worth it. However, what it turns out to be is me getting fed for some other reason...such as was the case last Wednesday. The big thing is that I do it to comfort AND punish myself.

Roni had a video Q&A posted today and she also discussed how why people might sabotage themselves. One of the things that really resonated with me was how she lost her identity. That if she had always defined herself as a chubby girl, what would she be when she was no longer chubby? She no longer fit into that whole group. And I guess that has really resonated with me.

I pride myself on being funny. I love little more than to know that someone else is laughing at what I said -probably because I feel of value. Sure, I feel like people might want to hang around me more if they have fun with me; but I also feel like I have a place that I don't have to fight for. I can be the funny person. And so I am.

But what if I was another thin girl? How would that feel? Then how would I define myself?

The times in my life when I've been thin or at least thinner, I've felt VERY uncomfortable. All of the sudden guys were buying me drinks at bars and people wanted to kiss on me. It was a great feeling on one hand, but was also very scary.

I think it was scary because *I* didn't believe that I brought much else to the table. I mean, I know I'm loyal, I'm enthusiastic, and I'm supportive to the point of enabling, but what if I was all of those things and then I got fat and then he hated me? Yes - that would be me with someone like my dad all over again.

The difference is this time, I'm trying to concentrate on the things that I get to be if I'm thinner. I get to be not worried that I'm going to break someone's furniture. I get to be something slutty for Halloween if I want to. I get to buy things in a store because I know that they will fit! I get to not be the token fat girl in the group. I get to feel more like a part of the group instead of outside of the group.

Mind you, I'm not romanticizing my life when I get thinner. I've fallen into that trap before...I'll be happier, married, have kids, successful, help solve world peace when I'm thin. Instead I'm trying to focus on what I'm gaining (more mobility, more pride, putting myself first) versus what I'm losing.

I'm sure I'll always want to make people laugh (because of the reasons listed above) but I'm looking forward to being comfortable in my skin - no matter what the size.