All the voluptuous ladies...

I'm big chested.  Like my bras are either 36DD, 36DDD or 38DD depending on the cut.

And for all the small chested people rolling their eyes at me, I get it.  You want them - or at least some of them.  I also want to wear sundresses or strappy tank tops without huge bands on my shoulders screaming "I can't wear this without a bra!" 

But I have them, and while I (in general) do love them, running with them?  Not so much fun.

You name it, I've tried it.  I've wrapped my chest prior to running.  I've doubled up on sports bras - and that worked for a while.  But still, running at the weight I am (and the girls at the size they are), my entire chest heaves up and down with each step.  When the girls aren't tucked in appropriately, it hurts.  A lot.

And then I found Enell Sports Bras.   And no, they're not paying or compensating me to write that.

Here is the cheapest place I found them.  And Brian, the owner of the place, was really cool when I wanted to exchange one for a smaller size.

They're not pretty or cheap.  And despite the pictures that the website has of girls exercising without a top on, I would NEVER be out in public like this.  Although you might recognize them from the women on "The Biggest Loser" show - their before pictures are always taken in these babies.

They work because they squish your boobs tightly to your chest (so tightly that the first time I wondered if I actually had the right size!).  So yes, my chest still heaves up and down with each step, but they're not so...out there...that it's a big problem.  The straps are supportive and wide.

And they make running a ton easier.

Get one and your boobs will thank me.  No thank you card needed. :)

Downtown run and request

The run
Yesterday morning the alarm clock went off at 5 AM and I actually got up.  This is a small miracle.

I ended up getting up and donning my running gear while Joe slept all warm and cuddly in the bed.  This is also a small miracle (because hello! Morning cuddles are the BEST!).

I ran the same route that I ran a few weeks ago...only this time it was dark.  I need to get some more reflective elements on my clothing.  I don't cross a lot of streets on the route that I've picked, but with the mornings staying dark longer, it makes sense to be as safe as possible.

Running on a route that is usually packed with swarms of people was interesting.  The streets downtown were pretty much deserted at 5 AM and when I ran along a creek (one that is no where near traffic) I was the only person on the path.  It felt serene.

There's just something about being up first thing and being able to be alone with your thoughts, your ideas, and yourself.  There's something about enjoying the wonderfulness that IS a new day.  It's fresh, clean, unmarred, and able to be fully enjoyed.  I enjoyed the run so much. And when I finished, I felt proud that I started my day off where I was a priority to myself.

I'll be doing that a lot more often in the days and weeks to come.

The Request
Lastly, if you all could hold a good thought for me in the next few days, I'd appreciate it.  The last interview that I have for a company that I'd really like to work for is either tomorrow or Thursday.  They are down to two candidates - me and another guy.  The guy who has the final say prefers the other person and from what I know about him, there is good reason for it.  He has more experience in the field that the job is for.  I have the same skill sets and some experience - just not as much as this guy.  BUT I have other skills and attributes that he might not have (apparently he is much younger than I am).  We each have to give a 30 minute presentation and then have two hours of one-on-one interviews where we can try to sway them towards us.

I found out yesterday that I misunderstood who would be my boss - and it turns out that last week I actually interviewed with the guy that would be my boss.  AND he is the guy that prefers the other candidate.  I feel a bit discouraged by this.

Ultimately, it's out of my hands.  And truthfully, I want a job where the company wants me too.

But the fit seems right and the timing seems great.  The job seems interesting and challenging.  The perks are awesome.  And my current situation is less than desirable.  Unlike doubts about myself as a person, I know that I can do this job and do it well.  I have been very successful at any job I've had - and I know that this would be no exception.  I just need them to see that - and to take a chance on the underdog. 

So I'm hopeful and asking for your positive vibes.

Vulnerability

This past weekend, I enjoyed another Mindful Yoga/Mindful Eating classes.  I first started going in February and have only missed one class - which was the weekend that Joe and I celebrated our anniversary in Steamboat with a 10 1/2 mile hike.

I love these classes.  There is a lot of discussion about how we can all be more mindful about food and our eating; about how we can have a more harmonious relationship with food.  There is some really gentle yoga (it's gotten more passive/gentle as the months go on) and then there is a mindful eating exercise...which basically means that we sit around in a circle, chewing the food slowly and trying to taste every morsel that should be tasted.

I love these classes.

We're also talking a lot about Geneen Roth's book "Women, Food, and God."  If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend that you do.

There are several things that have struck me as profound - and I'll share some in the weeks to come.

This past week, Erica, our leader talked about Geneen's chapter titled: Never Underestimate the Inclination to Bolt (which is actually a quote by Pema Chodron).  And in this chapter, she talks about how bolting - by vegging out via TV, binge eating, drinking, or even checking out mentally is a way to avoid our lives.

Geneen writes about how she tells the people that come to her retreat and might want to bolt:

      I tell them that if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard.  When we don't want to notice what is going on.  Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be.  I tell them that ending the obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment.  To not leave themselves.  I tell them that they don't have to make a choice between losing weight and doing this.  Weight loss is the easy part; anytime you truly listen to your hunger and fullness, you lose weight.  But I also tell them that compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive.  No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul.  We refuse to take in what sustains us.  We live lives of deprivation.  And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge.  The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting- of leaving ourselves - hundreds of times a day. 
      But that doesn't touch the sudden realization - and the subsequent panic - that they really don't want to sit in the center of their own lives.  It's one thing to say you want to stop using food to numb yourself.  To be miserable about the size of your body.  To feel as if you are killing yourself with double cheeseburgers and fries.  But slowing down, asking yourself what is actually going on when you want to eat when you aren't hungry, watching how you inhale three muffins before you even realize you're eating - that's going to far.  There is something about accepting the unpredictable fragility of this life that is just too much.  So the very minute they begin feeling or sensing or thinking something that is uncomfortable, they want to get out of Dodge. (emphasis mine)

Wow.  To me, that's profound. 

Last week, I started asking myself if this whole mindful eating thing could actually work.  Sure, Geneen says it's possible.  So does my therapist.  But the harder I try, the more elusive it feels.

How could I be successful with this long term?

I felt like a rat in a maze - and I was SO tempted to go back to the points system via Weight Watchers.  At least that was something that I knew...something that has worked for thousands of peoples.  I know because I see commercials.  I read your blogs.

But this weekend, after Erica read the excerpt above, I remembered that my problem isn't about food or portions.  It's about how sometimes I want to leave my life SO badly, I'll do anything to check out.

To me, it's about vulnerability.  Sometimes, I'm so scared of what The Voice* will say when I'm quiet.  When I'm sad, I'm afraid I won't be heard and that I won't be understood.  When Joe and I argue, I'm afraid he'll leave.  When I think about getting a puppy or a cat, I'm afraid of it dying.  When I make a new friend, I'm sometimes afraid of her turning on me.

When I post something significant to me, I'm afraid of the negative feedback I get.  I'm afraid I'll lose more followers.  I'm afraid I'll disappoint you.

But really, I'm not afraid of vulnerability...I'm afraid of being afraid of vulnerability.  In other words, when all the negative things that make up The Voice start combining and I know I'm going to hear awful things about me, I bolt.  When The Voice just opens it's mouth, I check out and run.  I don't even want to hear what it has to say - what if what it says is so horrible I can't go on?

This past weekend, after the yoga class, Joe and I got into a fight - about women's clothing of all things.  He got SO frustrated...and I couldn't understand why clothing that he had no intentions of wearing was making him so upset.  The more I tried to understand, the more frustrated he became and it culminated in us raising our voices, which is very atypical.

He went to go take a shower, and I felt so sad.  I actually thought about binge eating while he was in the shower.

But instead I stopped.  I shut the door to the bedroom and I cried.  I decided to practice listening to The Voice.

So I did.  The Voice said this:
"You are a horrible girlfriend.  You could tell that he was getting frustrated, but you kept pushing!  Why would you do that?  You're just like your mother...always nagging.  Didn't your dad tell you that men don't like nagging women?  He's going to leave.  You know that, right?  He's going to come out of that shower and say that this isn't working and that he wants you to move out.  Just like your dad did.  What will you do then?  You'll be all alone.  Just goes to show you shouldn't trust anyone.  And who are you going to find who will love your fat self?  No one.  You are a failure."

Whew.

So I heard her out.  And after a while, The Voice didn't have anything original to say.  In fact, The Voice has been saying those same things my whole life.  How did I not realize that until now?

And they aren't true.  If my relationship with Joe ends, then it ends.  Life goes on.  I'm not a horrible girlfriend.  I'm thoughtful, considerate, giving, and compassionate.  I don't always nag.  I was trying to understand why he was so frustrated - it wasn't nagging.  I *can* trust people.  And as for who will love my fat self?  Well, I think it's about time that I do.

And just like that, The Voice lost it's power.  I stood up, wiped the tears from my eyes, and got some water.  I waited until Joe got out of the shower and I calmly explained why I was pushing so hard for an answer - I wanted to understand him.  He apologized for getting so frustrated.  I explained that sometimes I feel like a bad girlfriend when we fight.  He said that all couples argue.  I said I was worried that this might make me a bad wife.  He said that my thoughtfulness, compassionate, and willingness to try again will make me an excellent wife.  I explained that I love him - and that out of all the people in the world I wanted to fight with, he would be last on that list.  He said the same about me.

This weekend, I had the courage to stay, to not bolt or check out when my life seemed scary.  I stood up for myself.  Even though I was vulnerable.  Even though I was scared.  Even though I felt bad for myself.

Like any good episodic movie/TV series, I know that I will have to face The Voice again and again.  But by facing it when I was most vulnerable and defeating it, gives me hope that I can do so again and again.


*No.  I'm not schizophrenic.  The Voice is basically my own self negative thoughts that I really do think - a mixture of parents or parental figures throughout the years that have told me I wasn't good enough - and that I should be better.

It's Monday...

And you know what that means.

Head on over to the review blog to enter to win this month's Laughing Cow contest.

Share something funny (anything funny will do!) or link to the post...or even tweet  - all of those will get you an entry into the best contest ever.

Winner gets $150 Visa card...which could buy a lot of healthy food or even a Wii Fit or other exercise equipment!

I am an idiot...

First, thanks to everyone who chimed in on my recent post asking how to celebrate without food.  There were a few really great suggestions and if anything, it helps me feel less alone when faced with this conundrum.

I thought that I would lighten the mood by telling you about my running experience yesterday.

Tuesday, even though it was a wonderful day to run, stuff came up and I couldn't take the time to take a lunch (healthy, I know).

So yesterday, I brought my running stuff just in case.

Just before noon, I checked my weatherchannel.com app on my phone and saw that it was 72 degrees.  I was thrilled! It meant that I could run without issue.

So, I set out and start running.  At first, it isn't too bad.  But then I start really feeling like I'm running through quicksand.  I know my pace is horrible and I'm getting SO HOT.

I stopped and walked for a bit but was shocked at how I could actually feel myself getting hotter.  I knew I was getting sunburned, but my whole body felt like I was having a bad heat reaction.  At least when I jogged, I was getting SOME airflow.

On I trudged - making my way back to the office.

But as I did so, I just couldn't get over how hot it was.  I started wondering if I was having heat exhaustion or if the stress of the interview and life was causing me problems.  THEN I realized that I hadn't had much water that day so far - so I figured maybe it was a hydration issue.

The last half mile, I walked almost the whole thing.  By that time, I figured that my app was broken...there is just no way that it was only 72 degrees!

So I checked.  And YES - again, there it was again - a temp in the low 70s (although by this time, it had heated up to 74 degrees).

WHAT WAS THE DEAL?

And that's when I realized my error...

I hadn't changed my default city from where I was this weekend.

Nice.

Turns out, I was running in mid-80s weather.  Had I known THAT, there was no way I would've run.  What can I say?  I'm a wuss.  Running outside in this altitude with the hot sun shining down on someone of my size is not exactly a great idea.

It took me taking a cold shower and waiting a full hour for my face to get back to it's normal shade (i.e. NOT bright red).

(sigh)

Rewarding behaviors

Alright folks, I need your help. 

Growing up, we celebrated EVERYTHING with food.  If we had a dance recital, a band performance, or any other "big" thing, the whole family would go out for dinner, ice cream, or some treat.  When it was our birthday, my mom put out a big huge red plate that said "You are special today" all around the rim of it - and we got to pick what we wanted for dinner.

If one of us kids had a bad day, sometimes we'd go out to eat or for a cup of ice cream.  If my mom had a bad day, we ALWAYS did.

It's been so ingrained in my life that celebrating with food is second nature to me.

A week ago, Joe and I were talking about this, and it sounded very weird to him.  His family never celebrated like that.  They never had restrictions on food in his house - candy, cokes, and ice cream were everywhere if they wanted it.  Which meant that they usually didn't want it.

It sounds foreign to me, but it made me really wish that his mom was still alive so I could find out how it actually worked.

Monday night, while preparing for the interview that I had yesterday morning, I said to Joe, "If I do well on the interview, we'll have to go out to eat tomorrow night to celebrate."  He quickly agreed.

And then I remembered that I didn't want to celebrate with food any longer...so I asked him what his family would've done in this situation.  He didn't know.  He suggested a treat of some other kind - like that we would go see a movie or DO something new to celebrate a new thing.

It turns out, I was so tired last night, that all I wanted to do was sleep - which is what I did.

But it prompts the question:

What DO healthy people do to celebrate big changes and good things in their life?

Help me out here...what do you do?  Is a food celebration okay or do you stray from it completely?  How have you made the changes towards celebrating good times other than with revolving around food?

Two down, one to go...

This morning I had a second interview for the job that I mentioned in this post.  The first interview was over the phone with an HR person...this interview was in person with someone who seemed to think that I would be a good fit for the company...he is my (if I get the job) future boss' boss.

My boss (again, should I get the job) is someone that I have worked with - although both of us were with separate companies.  From what I know of him, I respect him...and he is largely responsible for me getting my foot in the door.

The job has lots of things that are very desirable...one of which being that it will be very challenging.  As in, I'm going to have to start writing my posts at night and not at work. :)  I would have to learn at least two additional languages.  I'd have to buy a whole new wardrobe (good thing I have a few items that will fit the bill from my recent shopping spree!).  I'd get to challenge myself with new roles and responsibilities.

I'm excited, a little nervous, and a lot thankful for the opportunity.

Hopefully the last of the job interviews will happen in the next two weeks so I can move forward with this process.

As for now, I'm off to go for a quick run.  It's in the 70s today and I'm not going to let the cool weather and sunshine go to waste.

Time away...

This past weekend, I went away on a trip to visit an old college friend, his wife, and their two kids.

It was a last minute decision, one that I made impulsively...and one that I regretted once I was on the plane.  I hadn't seen this friend in 13 years.  I've never met his wife.  Even when we were in college, it's not like we had long, heart-felt talks, WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?

Turns out, it was a great trip.  One filled with laughter, great conversation, and awesome food choices.  There was an outdoor market where we went and I was able to see the difference between freshly harvested fruits and veggies and the crap that is in most grocery stores.  The bounty of food that was available made me thankful that I lived in a country where fresh food is a possibility.  We are so blessed!

We ran with the kids, skipped and played LIKE kids.  We went to the aquarium and children's museums.  I lifted, carried, and swung the kiddos so many times, my biceps are still killing me this morning.

I had fresh fish for dinner and healthy fresh egg scrambled with great quality ham and veggies.  My only snacks were a few almonds each day...but that was enough to stave off the hunger and enjoy what we were doing at the time.

The whole time, I was mindful.  I passed up desserts, snacks, and seconds because I just wasn't hungry.

It was the first trip I've taken in a long time where I wasn't thinking non-stop about the food that we would be eating, could be eating, or should be eating.  We stayed up late each night laughing and telling old stories from college...and in the morning I was greeted with giggling girls wanting nothing more than to snuggle with me while watching cartoons (the bed that I slept on was in the TV room). 

It was truly a vacation - for my mind, body, and spirit.

It gives me hope that one of these days I can have a positive relationship with food - even while celebrating.

P.S.  Here's this week's friendly reminder to enter the Laughing Cow sweeps for this month on my other blog.  If you can't think of anything funny to write, put up a picture, video, post a link to the blog or tweet about the giveaway.  It so happened that last month's random winner is a loyal reader of this blog - but (obviously) you have to enter to win!

A thousand points of pain (repost)

Know how Jack Sh*t has "Same Old Sh*t Saturdays?" A few weeks ago, I decided to steal borrow this move from his playbook with a different twist. So on Saturdays (at least through August), I've decided to post a little something about me or my life. Think of it as a way to get to know me better...about stuff other than weight loss and healthy eating.



Today's post is from my other blog - one that I started first. There isn't really anything over there about weight loss or healthy eating, it's pretty much just me being silly, funny, and gross. So basically it's like me, only as a 15 year old boy.
=======================================


Yesterday I went to my mailbox only to find that the inventors of the book and DVD "The Secret" sent me an exclusive offer.

If you know anything about "The Secret," you know that the idea is that you can manifest things to happen. Like if you concentrate and believe you can make things good or bad happen. It's kind of like the idea behind how Tinkerbell can come back to life if you clap hard enough. Now I personally think that there is something to the power of positive thought and the principles behind this idea.

However, I was tired. I had just spent time with the girls at my monthly dinner out. And no, that's not code for anything. So I decided that I'd just shred the thing - like what I do with all of my junk mail.

Only the packet was so thick, I knew that it would jam my shredder. So I started to open the envelope with my thumb and slide it along the top to open the thing. That's when I got about forty paper cuts which equals one thousand points of light pain.*

So, in going with "The Secret" philosophy, what the hell was that brought on by? I didn't meditate on the thought of pain. I don't think that the makers of "The Secret" bulk mail visualizing people opening their mail and being cut is a great marketing strategy - so it's unlikely that that is what brought it on.

I guess I just think it's strange that I was cut by complete chance (in my opinion) by a sheets of paper in a bulk mailing promoting the idea that NOTHING happens by chance. Everything, according to them, was manifested and brought on by something.

So just in case there is some evil person visualizing my demise, I want you to know that your message was received.

And I hate you.

* See? Not all of my posts have Democratic undertones. That reference was just for you, Bush lovers. AND NO, THAT'S NOT CODE FOR ANYTHING.

So what happens now?

In the musical Evita, there is a song entitled, "Another Suitcase in Another Hall."

The gist of the song is this: Evita goes to Buenos Aires expecting to make it big as an actress, dancer, or anything, and instead gets many rejections.  She asks, "So what happens now?" continually and the people in the song answer back, "another suitcase in another hall...take your picture off another wall...you'll get by you always have before."

And still she continues the cycle - asking what should happen after her most recent rejection...

Until the last time that she asks, "So what happens now?" where a photographer answers back "Don't ask anymore."

It's like the simplest answer, right?

If asking a question repeatedly stresses you out, stop doing it.

All of that was a (probably poorly written) segue into my life.

The past few weeks, as I've been walking past storefront windows (which are everywhere downtown), I've been catching glimpses of myself in the window.  And when I see myself - walking alongside Joe, my sister, friends visiting from out of town, or even one of the homeless people that are always around, I find myself amazed at just how big I look.  I look EVERY time there is a window that I can see my reflection in.  I look, I reflect, I judge, and I self loathe.  That's the cycle.

This morning, I enjoyed a small celebration on the scale - which showed a number lower than what it has been in a week or two.  I've been battling my eating the last several weeks, so seeing a smaller number has been a long time coming.  When I got dressed, I felt smaller, I felt confident, I felt proud of the food choices I have been making.

And yet - on the way to my car, I noticed the window - and the person staring back at me was the same frumpy, fat person she always is.

When I look at the window reflection, I see myself exactly like how I did at my heaviest weight. I look slumpy, with a large waist, and no chin. I look huge, unkempt, and unbelievably fat. I immediately start feeling bad about myself, my looks, and my self confidence plummets.

I'm tired of looking and seeing someone that I was 50 pounds ago.  I'm tired of hearing that critical Voice inside my head telling me that each change, each bite, each decision that I make that is healthier isn't making a difference on the outside.  The Voice tells me that I never will see a smaller reflection, so I might as well give in and live the gluttonous life of the person I resemble.

So what happens now?

I'm determined to change my reaction to the girl in the window reflection.

So what happens now?

I'm determined to life a healthy life - one that nurtures my body, my mind, and my spirit.  I will make positive choices that affect these areas of my life.

So what happens now?

Since I can't seem to see the reflection without judging and hurting my spirit, I'm telling myself, "Don't look anymore."

It was the first of many positive choices that I made and will continue to make today.  I stood up for ME even though it would've been easier to reply the same record.  I made a healthy choice - to let go of the relationship with the girl in the window - after all, she makes me feel bad every time I see her. 

I feel empowered, I feel great, and I feel like I can do this.

So, I ask you...what happens next in your life?