Building momentum

Probably one of my lowest moments in recent months was when I started really feeling apathetic towards my weight loss. I had maintained a 50-55 pound weight loss for a year...and I started to think that maybe that was good enough. Maybe this weight was where I was meant to be. Maybe being in size 16 jeans was as good as it got for me.

That's when I wrote the post about decadence and about how maybe me not doing as well in my eating was actually me trying to pamper myself. Since then, I've had many a-ha! moments. In fact, I'd wager to say that I've learned more about myself in the last two months than what I had in the previous 12.

I've learned to trust myself. I've learned to listen to my body more. During the decision to put my house on the market, getting an offer, looking for houses, and ultimately deciding to live with Joe, I've learned to trust that everything will be okay - no matter what happens.

Moreover, I've learned to trust myself again with food. I'm not saying I'm perfect with this...but as harried as things felt last week, I kept going with what felt right to me: Eat things that fuel your body when you're hungry. Don't deprive yourself, but do exercise self-control.

I'm pleased to report that I had another 2 pound loss this week. This loss, even when paired with the 2.8 pound loss from last week, doesn't even negate the 5 pound gain I had a few weeks ago. But it's in the right direction.

It feels good to have a loss and know that you "earned" it. I put in the work, I listened to my body more consistently than I have. I made mistakes, but I worked through them. It'll be something that I'll have to practice with more regularity until it becomes my habit, of course, but for now I'm focusing on the feeling of when I am mindful about my eating, I feel great.

I'm proud to be at 53.8 pounds down...even if it is the umpteenth time I've been here. I'm proud to be here because I know that this is the last time I will be at this weight.

Oh, and my size 16 jeans are no longer too tight. :) Sure, sure...the best news is that my body feels better, but come on! Not having to use a shoehorn to get into jeans that are too tight is a fantastic feeling. Can I get an "Amen?"

My plan is simple, but not easy

SIMPLE: sim·ple   /ˈsɪmpəl/ [sim-puhl]
–adjective
1.easy to understand, deal with, use, etc.: a simple matter; simple tools.
2.not elaborate or artificial; plain: a simple style.
3.not ornate or luxurious; unadorned: a simple gown.
4.unaffected; unassuming; modest: a simple manner.
5.not complicated: a simple design.

EASY: eas·y /ˈizi/ [ee-zee]
–adjective
1. not hard or difficult; requiring no great labor or effort: a book that is easy to read; an easy victory.
2. free from pain, discomfort, worry, or care: He led an easy life.
3. providing or conducive to ease or comfort; comfortable: an easy stance; an easy relationship.
4. fond of or given to ease; easygoing: an easy disposition.
5. not harsh or strict; lenient: an easy master.
--------------------
My eating plan is simple. Eat when you're hungry; don't eat when you're not hungry. In fact, when you boil it down to that, how could it be any simpler?

The problem is that almost all of our lives, we've adapted that eating plan to be:
Eat when your mom tells you to finish all the food on your plate.
Eat when your Aunt Martha spent all day baking that cake JUST FOR YOU.
Eat when you finished your first ballet performance.
Eat when it's your birthday.
Eat when you go on your first date.
Eat when you get dumped.
Eat when you feel left out.
Eat when you feel like you need a pick me up.
Eat when you need to grieve.
Eat when you're happy.
Eat when you're scared.
Eat when you're bored.
Eat when you're tired.
Eat when you don't know what else to do.
Eat when you feel out of control.
Eat to feel in control.

I've eaten for all of those reasons - and about eleventy billion more.

So eating when I'm hungry? It's not as easy for me as you might think. In fact, sometimes it's quite difficult.

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie asked what was going on before I ate (and ate) in my last post. The answer is: Everything. I've felt rushed and stressed...and so tying in with my body to find out it if was hungry or not just didn't happen.

After the last post (and all of your supportive comments), I decided to cut myself some slack. Those of you who have been living/practicing mindful and intuitive eating have let me know that this is a process and a journey. I can't expect to get it right every time all of the time.

So here's what I've figured out so far: deprivation dieting doesn't work for me - or at least it doesn't work for me for long. Stuffing my feelings with food doesn't feel right either.

But this mindful eating practice? When I do it, it feels really right. I like how I feel when I fuel my body with the stuff it likes and requires to be healthy - and that includes sleep, hugs, and good heart felt conversations.

I like feeling heard. I like listening to myself.

I like knowing that when my body is hungry, I can trust myself to nourish it. I like not living in fear of getting hungry.

I like knowing that I can get the full fat gouda slices for my sandwich without feeling guilty. I like not feeling like I'm cheating when I pass on the plastic fat free cheese slices.

Right now it's taking a lot of time to figure out what I want to eat, when I want to eat, and when I need to stop eating. So, my eating plan isn't easy - at least not right now.

But the struggle IS worth it. *I* am worth it.

I am worth feeling content, happy, loved, rested, and harmonious with my body.

What do you do to feel in tune with yourself and your body?

One step forward, two steps back

Monday I went to my Weight Watchers meeting as planned. I talked with my leader about what I wanted and what I needed. I explained to her that I wanted to focus on mindful eating rather than getting caught up in and obsessed with the numbers - either points values for food or my actual weight.

I explained to her that it was important to me to try the mindful eating approach. I told her that I didn't want to be calculating points for the rest of my life. I told her I wanted my life back. I told her that I might gain weight over the short run but that I was confident that I would lose it eventually. I wanted to try this right now.

She heard me out and was supportive. I exhaled a sigh of relief.

Then I got on the scale.

I was down 2.8 pounds from when I weighed in almost a month before.

I was happy - this healthy mindfulness seems to work! I had been mindful all weekend - eating what it took to feel satisfied but no more. I REALLY scanned my body for hunger signals before eating...and when I felt hunger, I ate what I was wanting. Sometimes my body wanted carrots, sometimes it wanted cheese, sometimes it wanted fruit, and sometimes it wanted protein (so I had a hard boiled egg).

This week started with a mindful breakfast and a tuna fish sandwich that I had for lunch on Monday. Halfway through, I realized I wasn't hungry and didn't finish it. I mindfully consumed breakfasts and lunches on Tuesday and Wednesday.

But last night? I ate. A lot. To be fair, I fixed dinner* after I shopped for the ingredients...so we didn't even eat until 8:30 - and I know from experience that that's too late for me to eat because I'm ravenous by then. But I kept eating. I didn't stop halfway through to see if I was still hungry. I just kept eating. I went to bed full.

This morning, I looked in the fridge to see what I would eat for lunch and was saddened to see that I still had blueberries and blackberries from almost two weeks ago. They are on the verge of going bad. I felt like I should eat them. So even though I wasn't hungry, I ate them this morning with a sausage biscuit that I stopped off to get on the way in to work.

And today for lunch? I ate my whole lunch and didn't pause halfway through like I have been trying to do. In fact, when I started eating, I wasn't even hungry.

I'm reading a book called "Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating" by Geneen Roth and it's fantastic so far. In it, she coaches her eaters readers to eat until they are satisfied - eating what their body actually wants. She states that if you're eating when you're not hungry it'll be next to impossible to tell when to stop. Because if you're eating without a trigger in the first place, it'll be hard to figure out when the trigger is no longer...well...triggered. I think in the next chapter she writes about how to stop eating when they need to. Obviously not only have I not gotten to that part yet, but the concept seems simple.

So now, as I'm writing this, I'm full AGAIN - for the third meal in a row. And I'm disappointed with myself. Katy wrote today about her inner b!tch saying mean things to herself. I'm echoing her thoughts I guess - although not about my size.

My voice is telling me that if I can't even do this for a few days in a row, what kind of hope do I have for succeeding in the long run? My voice is telling me that this is a stupid thing - to go off the points/weight grid mentality. My voice is telling me that this mindfulness won't work. I'm tempted to count up all of the points I've consumed today to try to figure out if I can switch to counting points for the rest of the day - so I can feel some semblance of control.

And that makes me sad too.

So, instead of counting up the points, I'm going to try to stay present with my feeling of fullness. I'm going to try to be mindful of how I feel right now...bloated, full, and a bit lethargic.

I'm coaching myself to believe what I preach - that this is not the end of the world. I'm trying to put it in perspective.

I'm encouraging myself to be mindful at dinner.

I'm reminding myself that if I've lived 32 years by eating to soothe and on auto-pilot, it will take longer than a few days to NOT eat on auto-pilot when I actually try to put it into rigorous practice. But I will be successful, ultimately.

And maybe - hopefully - I'll actually believe it today.


*Which really, this should be a celebration all it's own. I hardly ever cook...but I decided that cooking ONE meal a week would be a great start. Last night, I made lasagna and it was SO good! I'm starting to figure out the simple pleasure of preparing an actual meal from start to finish, enjoying a meal that I made, and watching Joe enjoy it too. It was a wonderful feeling and I can't wait to try out a new recipe this next week.

Nearly wordless Wednesday

THIS. This is what I ran in yesterday at lunch.
I don't know exactly what it was at noon (which is when I run) but the daily forcast showed that there were winds up to 40 miles per hour.


Who needs interval training when you're running into gusts of wind?

Yeah. I'm proud of myself. :)

Being an advocate for yourself

A wise person once said/wrote, "What you focus on, expands." Don't ask me who wrote or said it - I searched the internet and I couldn't find anything definitive.

The fact that there doesn't seem to be one owner of the phrase doesn't make that statement any less true.

Perhaps it is this simple truth that is attracting me to blogs (and the authors of them) when they write about their own advocacy. The ones that are lobbying for their own health - mentally, physically, or spiritually really spark something in me. I could point towards Lesia or the Bariatric Babe for two examples of physical health advocates, but for the sake of this post, I'm going to focus on the mental health aspect when it comes to food.

I've been keeping Krissie's (at Questions for Dessert) recent post as unread in my Google Reader for many days now - because I love re-reading her current mindset on why she is eating the foods that she is. THAT mindset is something that I'm striving for and towards.

It's such a different approach than I think many of us have when it comes to food and losing weight.

I'm finding that I'm an advocate of myself and my own health - especially when it comes to food and my desire to be a more healthy weight.

Take yesterday for example. I did go to the Weight Watchers meeting, as planned. In the line to weigh in, I talked with Susan, who is a lifetime member many times over. Recently she met her goal and made lifetime again a few months ago. Since then, she has been steadily gaining - to where apparently she is now outside her 2 pound grace limit. She is now once again paying a weekly fee.

She said to me yesterday, "Gosh! I don't know what is wrong with me! I just can't keep the weight off. I feel horrible. Why can't I succeed? I'm starting to wonder if it has to do with something up here." And then she pointed to her head.

Yes, Susan. It IS all in your head. And YOU have to be your own advocate - someone who says no to the bags and bags of potato chips in one sitting NOT because you're out of points for that day, but because YOU are worth not putting that crap into. She's not alone though. How many years did I not get that the problem with me and food had so much more to do with my mind? I've been there. And just so you know, I've eaten bags and bags of candy, chips, or anything else I could get my hands on and then hated myself afterwards. Believe me, I know what it's like.

Yesterday's topic at the meeting was eating out and how to do it successfully. My leader focused on the "Set Points" idea which is basically where you get to eat as much as it takes for you to be satisfied of one category of food for a set number of points (it eliminates a lot of the counting and measuring that sometimes can baffle the best of members). Someone in the meeting said, "So you can eat all the meat you want for only that many points?" and our leader had to again explain the difference between eating everything you want and eating what it takes to be satisfied.

By the blank faces in the room, she's got a long road ahead of her if she wants people to "get it."

The thing is, it frustrates me. That almost all of the people in that room didn't seem to understand what they're doing to themselves when they say that they're lazy, fat, or stupid because they're gaining weight on one particular week. I want to shake them all - and then hug them like crazy.

I want to say to them what a good friend of mine said to me a few years ago when I needed to hear it most: "Life is beautiful. You are beautiful. Your life is beautiful."

I can't say that I've had it this healthy mindset for long...and if you've been following me for any length of time, you know that what I'm writing is true. I mean, jeepers! Just look at the links to my past blogs from above...I was saddened to read how I used to feel. For YEARS I had the "diet" mentality that I couldn't have foods because they were bad for me - or that my self-worth was dependant on what I put in my mouth.

The thing is, now that I feel like I have self-worth? I am much more discerning what I will put into it AND what I will do with it.

This is the only body I get. I'm gonna' take care of it.

33 has never felt so good!

Today is my birthday. I'm 33 years old.

You should know that I love the number 3, so this year is going to be my best year. I can feel it.

How do I plan to celebrate? By going to a Weight Watchers meeting, taking my dog for a long walk, and having leftovers with a glass of wine.*

But you know what? In my mind, it's perfect.

I had a great weekend - spent with someone that I love dearly and who loves me back. Saturday night, I was treated to a wonderful sushi dinner. Yesterday, I had a massage that eased my aching back (seriously - this past week it has been HORRIBLE but more on that later) and got to watch episodes of Arrested Development last night - all with the best companion ever.

The leftovers I'm having are DE-LICIOUS and it makes me feel good that I'm not wasting food. The wine that I'll be enjoying reminds me of my best friend (the wine that it's from is from a vineyard close to her house). The cuddles that I'll get at the end of the night will help me feel as loved as I truly am.

So this birthday? It may be the best ever.

Either that, or I'm getting too old to remember a better one.

*Two things: I am going to my Weight Watchers meeting for the support...but I'm going to stand up for myself and be clear on what it is that I want and need from the meetings and my leader. Not quite sure what I weigh today, but I know that I've been listening to my body more - and that feels good and right.

I'm also celebrating by wearing a cute new top I got at the Gap last week (45% off with a coupon!), new cute stripey socks (my favorite), and my new pair of Converse shoes. I look super cute if I do say so myself. :)

Big Heist, Big Payoff

You know those movies where they show burglars trying to get into the bank vault?

They inevitably have a stethoscope, some sort of lock picking set, and (of course) experience with picking locks. Usually there is some sort of sensitive time situation where the burglar is saying that he's almost got the lock unlocked...he's almost there. Just a few more seconds and then...payoff!

In the movie, you can hear the tumblers falling into place. It seems that the burglar can almost FEEL the lock coming open.

Well, it occurred to me this past week that that's kind of where I think I am when it comes to my relationship with food.

I'm armed with my stethoscope - which in my mind is my intuition - a very useful tool if only I listen to it. If and when I listen to my body, I'll be able to figure out what to eat, what it needs, what it craves, and how it feels when I'm hungry.

I'm armed with my lock picking tools - which in my mind are the books that I've read or plan on reading on this subject. They can or will help me figure out HOW to listen to my body. They will reinforce my healthy habits and my belief that food does not have to be something I stuff down without being mindful. In this batch of tools, there are also some distraction and coping techniques for when I'm craving food for emotional reasons.

I'm listening to my body. I'm listening to my heart. I'm learning that food can be something that is utilized simply for fuel. I'm learning that exercise can be done because it's fun and feels good rather than a way to punish myself for eating too much of something I "shouldn't have."

And you know what? I don't have that vault unlocked just yet. But I can feel that it's coming loose. I can almost hear the tumblers falling into place.

And just like the burglar in the movie, there are just a few more lessons I have to learn and then I get the big payoff. I get to be free of overeating foods until I'm stuffed. I get to be free of all of the emotions that come along with eating past the point of satiety. I get to be free of the shame, the guilt, and the passive act of violence against myself which IS what compulsive overeating is.

It also means that even if I find myself up against that locked vault again, I'll be able to know that because I've unlocked it once, I can do it again. As I practice picking that lock again and again, I'll have the experience to know what to do when in a high stress situation - be it moving, changing jobs, death of someone I love, getting married, having babies, or anything else life will bring.

The payoff? It's actually LIVING life.

So, in other words, I'm stealing my life back.

Weighty Words

I figured I'd expound upon my post from Monday, where I wrote this regarding my trepidation of the scale at my Weight Watchers meeting:

But I am worried about what my leader will say. The same leader that I really do like made a pretty big deal about me gaining weight the last time I weighed in. And I guess I want to avoid that.

First, I really appreciate your comments where you picked up on that line. If I had read that on any of your blogs, I would've been worried about what you wrote too.

But, as always, I feel like I should give some context about the comment.

I'm a pleaser. It's exacerbated when the person I'm trying to please is a man, in a position that is superior to mine, older than me, or all three - mostly because of residual issues I have from my dad. So basically, I'd do almost anything President Obama says.

Although I'm working on cultivating my own sense of self worth and trying to trust myself more, I still falter when someone - who is supposed to be an expert in their field - and I disagree.

Case in point: My Weight Watchers leader. She is GREAT. Unlike a lot of other leaders that I've seen in my lifetime, she talks about the importance of indulging in what you want but coaches us to just count the points for whatever items those might be. She coaches us to eat whole and good foods and explains the benefits of non-processed foods. SHE stands up against the machine that is Weight Watchers International...the one that markets their foods and wants to promote their bars, shakes, oatmeal, etc. She talks about good health. She is great.

But three weeks ago, I made the decision to weigh in. I made this decision despite me having skipped the week before, despite me knowing that I had eaten poorly and mindlessly the prior two weeks, and despite the fact that I was wearing a different "outfit" from what I usually do. I usually weigh in in jeans and a lighter shirt but with no shoes. That day, I was wearing lighter khakis. So I opted to weigh in with my shoes on to try to counterbalance the lack of jeans.

I gained 5 pounds.

People, I've gained 5 pounds in DAYS so 5 pounds in two weeks - when I was trying to pack like a crazy woman and was eating fast food take out every day is NO BIG DEAL to me. And yes, I'm confident that when I reach my goal weight I'll cringe at that the fact that I wrote that last sentence and meant it. Sometimes healthy eating/mindsets take place in waves. Two years ago these past two weeks would've garnered a 15 pound gain and a complete lack of concern for my well being. So five pounds? I'm not so very concerned.

I said as much to her. I said that what I was more concerned about was the mindless eating that I had done over the previous two weeks. I hadn't slept for more than 5 hours on any given night during the previous week. I was still looking with my realtor to find a place. I was worried about living with Joe and what changes that would make to our relationship. I was working many hours at work - in fact, the reason why I was in khakis that day was because our National Manager for the company came in and I had to give him a presentation. I told her that a five pound gain was pretty low on my totum pole of stuff to give a crap about.

And that's when she said that she was concerned. She didn't want the five pound gain that I had over two weeks to continue. She didn't want me to weigh in two weeks from that night and gain another five pounds. She didn't want those ten pounds to lead to another ten pounds until all of the sudden I'm back to a Jabba the Hut type existence (okay, I made up the Jabba reference).

I told her that I appreciated her concern, but that I didn't think that that would happen. The 50-55 pounds that I had lost are GONE. I'm NOT the person I was at 280. I don't do the same things. I don't feel the same way. She nodded and said that she was still concerned.

So this past week when I suppose I could've weighed in (realistically, I could have driven the 45 minutes to the meeting, weighed in, and then driven back to work even though that would've been a pain in the arse), I thought of her words. I haven't been weighing myself at Joe's. I have no real idea how I'm doing. Some days my clothes fit tighter than other days (some of that is due to Joe drying my jeans and clothes until they are so hot they could burn you! I usually dried my jeans half way and then draped them over convenient furniture to air dry the rest of the way). I use the same notch on my belt and I am keeping most of my eating in check. I should be right around the same weight I have been.

But what if I gained again?

What if she all of the sudden morphed into my judgemental dad and shook her head at me and tsk tsk'ed?

I know... who cares if she tsk tsk'd? She's been very supportive of me and my journey up until now - maybe she had an off day. Maybe she was projecting. She definitely was trying to be motivating. Maybe she was trying to give me a wake up call?

But to me, it felt like she didn't have any faith in my journey so far. And I guess that's where I felt judged.

Which is stupid...because she is one of the least judgemental people I know.

The stuff that I went through in the weeks where I gained weight are all a part of the learning process. Eventually I want to be the person that can look at all of those stressful things and doesn't indulge in poor fast food choices. I want to be the person who gets the right amount of sleep - not someone who skimps on sleep and then eats simple carbs the next day for an instant pick me up. But right now, those are things that I'm battling.

Having said that, I know I won't gain all of my weight back. I've done too much work inside and outside my body to have that happen.

But I also know that I'm struggling right now. I'm really trying to learn and cultivate mindful eating practices (ones that are not a part of or even endorsed by Weight Watchers). That means that I might gain a bit of weight at first... I'm okay with that.

Have any of you tried to change your leader's approach? Do you have any suggestions of what I can do to help my leader be more supportive of my journey? Do you think I should scratch Weight Watchers completely? I would love your advice on this one...

Cherry Creek Sneak, take 2

This past weekend, I ran the Cherry Creek Sneak, which can either be a 5K or a 5 mile run.

Last year, I did the 5K - and walked the entire thing due to some knee pain that I was having. This year, I did the 5 mile run.

Had I ever ran five miles at once? No. But I've come close and figured that it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

Just so you know, I was STUPID. So whatever you do, if you want to run 5 miles on any given morning, do NOT do what I did. What I did do was go to Hacienda Colorado (a local Mexican restaurant) and overate the night before. In addition to eating a ton of chips and almost my whole entree, I had two (count 'em TWO) margaritas. I did not drink enough water.

I woke up with a headache hangover. Because I was still full from the night before, I didn't eat anything.

But I ran anyway.

Again, not a smart way to start a run.

The parking for this thing is ca-razy so Joe was nice enough to drop me off near the start line. He's done this at one previous race - the plan is: he drops me off, parks and reads a book, and then picks me up when I'm done.

Around mile 4.5, I was completely out of steam. And that's when I heard "Yay Anne! Keep going! You're doing great!" I turned my head - sure that it was someone else calling out to their friend - when I saw Joe, cheering just for me.

It felt amazing.

I picked up my pace and kept going strong to the end - where I finished in a little over an hour.

You may notice from the graph that it says I ran 5.5 miles. Some of that is probably attributed to the fact that when you're running in races, you can't really run in a straight line. There is a lot of running around people who are walking or pushing strollers...and sometimes you have to take the longest path between two points (kind of like the runners on the outermost lane of the track). I also am not 100% certain that my Nike+ is calibrated correctly when I'm running on the road. On the treadmill it's right on...but on the pavement? Maybe my path is wonky.

But I finished. I ran the whole thing.

Anyway, when we got back home, I made Joe take a new picture of me - since last year's race was where I opted to draw the comparison between my "before" picture and my "during" picture. Sorry the picture of me is so dark...Joe took it with his iPhone (known for it's handy apps, not necessarily for it's pretty picture taking).

Without further ado, here are my progress pictures:

This picture was taken early spring of 2008:

This picture was taken just after the Cherry Creek Sneak, end of April of 2009:


And this one? Taken Sunday - after the Cherry Creek Sneak, April 2010:

Not a lot of difference between the last two pictures...probably only 10 pounds, but I definitely have toned! My legs are smaller...and I tried to position them similar to how I had them in the first picture...with one leg slightly in front of the other one. I tried to hold my arms out to show the actual outline of my body, but the large shirt just kind of hung off of them making me look a tad disproportionate.

At first I was bummed because I wanted accurate during pictures - and then I realized that if it really is about health, this time around, then who cares about accuracy in pictures? I feel better, I run farther, I'm in better shape, and I am happier.

THAT is what success looks like anyway.

I'm not going to lie...

I've been having some serious back pain at night that's been making it hard to sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time.

So I went to the chiropractor today (first time ever!) and it took about 2 1/2 hours (after x-rays, consultation, weird relaxation thing with cold paddles, and the adjustment). That meant that I had to catch up on work.

I knew that I would probably stay a little late.

But after the bowl of ice cream that I had and about 15 different "bite size" candies, I also was reluctant to weigh in for the first time in three weeks.

So I ditched Weight Watchers. And for the record, I totally feel like a kid that just ditched school...guilty as all get out.

I KNOW! It's not like the scale won't know NEXT week when I come back (oh, who am I kidding? Next week is my birthday, I probably won't go then either).

I didn't eat horribly all week long...sure I indulged a bit on Saturday night (and then today with all the crap that is currently causing a MAJOR sugar headache). I'm not really worried about what the scale will say.

But I am worried about what my leader will say. The same leader that I really do like made a pretty big deal about me gaining weight the last time I weighed in. And I guess I want to avoid that.

It's stupid.

I know it.

You know it.

But it's the truth.

Realistically, it's too late to go now - if I leave now, I won't even make it there by the end of the meeting. So I'm promising to go tomorrow - at a place that isn't too far away from home. I mean, at least then it will be over and done with.

And lest you think I overlooked it, NO I was not mindful about the overindulgences I had on Saturday night and all day today. I'm working on it. I promise. Until then, I need to remember that this pounding headache was totally self-inflicted. I need to remember that the next time that the Butterfingers and Twix bars tempt me. This feeling SUCKS no matter what the scale reflects.