A Start

Is it just me or is breaking free of emotional eating habits hard?

Last Thursday, I started obsessing about having a blizzard from DQ. I knew Joe was going to work late. I knew that the type I liked is only made at a select few places. And I knew that I had 3 hours left in my work day before I could leave to go get one.

By the time my normal quit time came around, I was practically salivating.

I started the 20 minute drive in traffic, and I was really looking forward to that first bite. I was picturing myself ordering it/them (maybe I wanted two small blizzards?). I was envisioning how the crunchy bits would soothe just as much as the creamy parts.

The windows we down in my car, the sun was shining, the music station I love was on. I was going to get a fix. Life didn't seem like it could get better.

And then I realized that I really liked the song on the radio. It had a great beat. I turned up the radio.

I realized I really loved that song and before I could really think about it, I realized that I wanted to move to the song. "This would be a great song to run to." I thought.

Crap. Just like that, my fixation on the fix lessened. And with just a few minutes left to get to the DQ, I exited and turned my car around.

I went home.

I changed into my running clothes.

And dammit, I ran. I completed a 5K. I walked a lot of it. But I did it.

I'm not going to lie to you, there were parts of that run, where I wished I would've enjoyed the blizzard instead. For those that run, it was just a bad one. I couldn't get my breathing or my stride right. It wasn't particularly enjoyable. But I did it.

I've been thinking about why my desire to have the blizzard was so strong. Why did it seem like nothing else would do?

And while I may not have the whole answer, I believe I have an idea.

I fixated on something for three hours. I fixated on every aspect of that something. What would happen beforehand, what would happen during, and what would happen after. That's some powerful visualization right there, no?

I challenge you to think of anything comforting or pleasurable for hours, and see if you're not all excited to have whatever that is with enthusiasm. I think that's why sexy teasing in the morning before work equals hot passionate sex after work.

It made me aware that what you focus on really has a huge impact. And how monitoring my thoughts matter me farther than I ever was really aware.

So instead of fixating on whatever you current comfort food is, perhaps it's time to ask ourselves what we really want. A reward after a long day? A break from thinking? A chance to zone out? The comfort of something flooding our senses? And then think of another way to satisfy that need in a healthy way.

Lately, for me that's been coming home and cocooning myself in fluffy blankets while having a cup of tea.

It may not be enough of a change to help me lose 60 pounds, but it's a start.

Classical Gas

Writing the last post was kind of tough for me.  Well, actually it was hitting the "publish" button that was difficult.

See, I knew that weight had been creeping up.  I knew that I didn't feel as good, physically, as I wished I was.  And I knew that I didn't really want to post about it.

And putting a number to my weight gain?  Eesh.

The thing is, after hitting "publish" I felt a bit freer.  A bit better.  And in that moment, I decided to do more things that made me feel better.

For starters, I called a local large breed volunteer group that I have helped in the past and asked if there were any dogs being boarded (rather than in foster homes) that I could love on and take for a walk.  They replied back with a huge "YES!" and Sunday I walked my first big dog since Chassis.

His name is Guinness and he's a HUGE 11 month old Newfoundland puppy.  Who is not good on a leash, but makes up for it by pulling hard in any direction he's headed.  Armed with some treats, I attempted to help teach him better manners.  And then I loved on him like crazy.  What can I say?  I'm a sucker for huge, adorable puppy eyes.  I'm not sure who got the better work-out that day, but I was a bit sore that night.

But, oh, was I happy.

Being out in the sunshine has a profound effect on me and my mood.  I hope I remember that next time my mood drops lower.

Last night I set my alarm for an earlier time setting than when I have to get up...to see if the urge to run would hit me when it went off.  To be honest, I've done this probably 7 times in the last two weeks and have never actually gotten up any earlier.  Could I have?  Sure.  Were there one or two times when I was awake enough to go?  Sure.

But I've been scared.

This morning I had a nightmare about my younger sister's wedding and ended up waking up right before the alarm went off.  So when it went off, I didn't have much of an excuse.  I hit the snooze anyway.

And when the snooze alarm went off, I took inventory.  I realized that I was, indeed, fully awake.  I realized that I was afraid of running.  I realized that I didn't want to force myself to run on the treadmill.  So I decided to check the weather and see if it was okay to go outside.  The weather was 42 degrees...the perfect running temperature.

So with that, I got up, got dressed and went outside...my heart pounding almost every step from dread.

If you look verrrry closely you'll see Joe and me :)

But the funniest thing happened.  When I walked outside and took a deep breath, I remembered what it felt like to get out in the morning.

I set up my iPod on random and started walking.  I walked by our city's most awesome art sculpture (in my opinion), the Big Blue Bear.

"Classical Gas" by Mason Williams came on and I ran.

I ran for the next two songs, then walked for one and a half, and then ran the last one.

My pace?  Mostly runningish.

It felt good to move my body.  It felt good to get some stress out.  It felt good to do something I chose to do.

It felt good to overcome a fear.

And *that* is what I've done today to make me feel proud.

History In The Making

I couldn't deal with not having the ability to blog during the day or what is turning into being multiple business trips without taking along another laptop so... I decided to get a new iPad!! So this is the first blog post that I'm writing via my iPad through an app called blogsy. Not sure yet how well it will work, but it's worth a shot - especially since I can't blog via blogger.com because they insist on using flash and the iPad doesn't support that.

So, lets start off by recapping last week's events, shall we?

My sister did indeed get married. And my grandmother died while they were exchanging their vows. No kidding.

The thing is she was in hospice in Chicago so it wasn't a complete surprise, but it was horrible that it happened when it did. I know my dad wished he could've been there. And it was tough because no one wanted to tell my younger sister that she died. Instead, all of us slapped a smile on our faces, indulged in the distraction of our choice, and kept the secret from her. My family is great at that sort of thing - keeping secrets and indulging in distractions. Mine was the cheese plate.

My younger sister found out the next day and I spend hours consoling her via the phone - which was similar to the hours I spent consoling my older sister and father the day before.

I have got to get a good support system of my own.

Joe was great at the wedding and was such a huge help - both to my and my family - as evidenced by his last minute trip to go back to my mom's home to get the alcohol that they left at home 30 minutes before the wedding started. He's a trooper.

He even started saying things like "our wedding will be much better planned." To me, that meant that he was actually thinking about OUR wedding. To him, he was remarking about the poor planning. It was rhetorical. I found that out at last night's therapy session. To say I'm let down and disappointed is a huge understatement.

What has become clear in the thousands of pictures floating around my family's Facebook pages is that I have gained a lot of weight.

In fact, over the last year, I've gained between 25 and 30 pounds.

There. I wrote it.

(sigh)

A part of me is so frustrated and disappointed in ME. A part of me is reminding myself of all the stress I've had in the last year. A part of me doesn't think that's an excuse at all. A part of me is completely petrified of comments saying "I told you so." A part of me wants to tell those people to go f&ck themselves.

But more than that, I know I should do something about it. I just feel so far away from the success I had last year. I feel like a failure. I've been acting like one.

(sigh)

So what do I do now?

Well, the first step is to decide if I really want to do anything about it or not. Some days I'm not sure.

Of course I want to be thinner. Of course I want to be healthier. But I don't want to do the work some days.

Here's what I do know, I want to enjoy life more than what I do now. I want to have more energy. I want to get out in the sunshine more often. I want to do things for me again. I want to turn off the tv more. I want to have pride in my looks again.

I want to enjoy MY life and myself more.

I think that if that is truly my goal, I can find ways to do that. Maybe it isn't running right now. Maybe it's taking a pottery class and getting out there more; finding a way to take pride in myself and my abilities. Maybe it's trying a yoga class. Maybe it's walking in the sunshine at the park nearest my work on way home one day.

Somehow, in the midst of surgeries, weddings, deaths, changing jobs, and waiting for boyfriends to come around, I've lost ME.

It's about time I find myself again. Honoring my true self probably means I'll be happier and I bet that when I start finding myself again, I'll find that I don't need the food to push down my unhappiness.

Or at least, that's my hope.

Serenity now!!

One thing I know for sure: there is no dignified way to get into Spanx.

I'm in El Paso, Texas getting ready for my younger sister's wedding. The wedding is actually on Saturday but most of us flew in town last night. Truthfully, I'm just kind of looking forward to getting this over with. It's going to be a whirlwind of chaos for the next few days and I'm just going to endure it.

I had an interesting conversation with my best friend prior to coming here. She encouraged me to think about what would make this trip a success...as in, this trip will be a success if_________.

Here's what I've come up with so far to fill in the blanks:
* no one goes to jail for killing someone else in my family. Tensions run high in these times is all I'm saying.
* I get to dance with Joe at the wedding.
* I get coffee every morning.
* I choose to work in some me time every day just to concentrate on breathing and attempt to center myself.

So, I'm working on it.

In other news, Joe and I have made some huge progress with our therapy. He's really trying to be and do better and with the stress that I've been faced with during the last few weeks, he's been a rock to lean on. Intimacy is coming back and the trust is coming with it.

The bad news? My bridesmaid's dress is tighter than I'd like it to be in the bust area. And I now have a big enough tummy to make people wonder if I'm pregnant. Or at least, that's how I feel I look.

The good news? No one will be concentrating on me and pictures of us in the wedding will likely be from the shoulders up - at least the ones displayed in my mom's house.

I'm hanging in there...and am trying to maintain sanity and serenity. With all the drama from this morning (and it's not even 10 AM yet), that's a pretty big success as it is.

Status update

Alright folks, I've been a bit sketchy on the details of my life as of late. I'm sure much of that has to do with me being sick with a fever AGAIN since last Wednesday night. I finally went to the doctor on Monday and was prescribed antibiotics to get over this (hopefully) once and for all.

I've had stress over the new job and stress about my younger sister's wedding. As in she didn't want to go through with it so I dropped everything to try to be a good friend and sister to help her through it. All that to have her ultimately decide to marry I'm anyway. Awesome.

And honestly? Things with my boyfriend and I (we live together for those that are new here) have been rocky. We had a HUGE fight right before I started the new job and while I can logically say that I understand why he said what he did, I'm just not back to trusting him fully again. No raised voices - just words that hurt more than I thought they could. Our therapist is getting paid well thankyouverymuch.

My grandmother is literally on her death bed and I get text updates from my dad about how she's battling breathing on the respirator and how her right lung is almost completed filled with fluid, despite the drugs they have her on. She's got dementia so when they can rouse her enough to get her to open her eyes, they can't get her to understand that they need her to cough so the pneumonia doesn't spread further. According to my dad, she won't recover and will likely die this weekend. I thought I was prepared for this, but I cried a few times today - which kind of surprised me actually.

It ain't pretty, but it is my life as I know it currently.

All of this and you would think that my eating would be completely out of whack. Well, for the first time in decades (okay, I'm only 33), I can say that you'd be wrong. Somehow feeling like I've lost control in every way in my life (yes I know I never had control in the first place) maybe has made it easier to assess one small thing at a time, like how I'm eating, what I'm eating, or what I'm drinking. I'm proud to say that I'm down 6 pounds from when all this hoopla started.

The delicious coffee-ish sugary drinks that are free at work are now a thing of the past. I get lots of fiber in my diet due to whole grains, veggies, and fruit. I eat portioned meals each day and don't have dessert each night unless I'm really wanting it.

And you know what? I feel great - much better than how I remember feeling when I wasn't eating as well. Next up? The exercise piece. The upper respiratory infection put running on hold for a while, but not for much longer.

So no, I'm not posting like crazy, but I am still here, still on this journey with you... Even if it feels like I'm more distant.

Is here where I say "it's not you, it's me"?

Letting Go

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." ~Lao Tzu

I was born into a family of three daughters.  My whole life, I've been the funny one, the one in the middle who takes care of others and soothes the hurts of the day.  I was the smart one who became an engineer at a great school.  I was the responsible one.

And, I've always been the fat one.

I've written about it before, but shedding the titles of the past has always been a pretty big deal to me.  "What kind of girl are you?" and  "What kind of girl do you want to be?" are questions that I've always found pretty powerful to ask myself.

But what I don't think I've realized until late is that if I don't let go of my own ideas of how things should be, I'm living in the past.  And if I'm living in the past, I'm not making much of the now - or making much of the future that I could have.  I'm starting to realize that living like that isn't living much at all.

I'm not sure when I decided that being at a healthy weight wasn't for me, not really.  But I've believed that for as long as I can remember.  Thin, pretty people were for covers of magazines or bridal websites - not for people like me.
 
When you feel so low about who you are as a person, it's hard to feel like you're worth another diet, another go at healthy eating, a higher paying job, a more fulfilling life, or a healthy relationship.  You just believe that you're lucky for what you get - and you shouldn't expect to be given more.

But if you always believe that, you can never become anything different.  Despite all of your efforts.  And believe me, the only thing that I've done more times than I've quit diets is starting a new one.

I may not be posting often on this blog, but I am doing a lot of thinking about me, about how I got this way, about why I've struggled so much with weight loss, and about what it is that I really want.

Some days I'm closer to answers to those ponderings and some days I'm not.

What I can tell you is that I've made some huge progress in myself - lasting progress - over the past year.

I no longer think that I don't deserve a loving relationship.  I no longer believe that I'm not worth a happy life.  I no longer believe that suffering abuse as I did several times as a child was due to me being faulty to begin with.  And I no longer believe that my destiny is to be fat.

I'm letting go of feeding my emotions with food.  I'm letting go of my belief that I will always be that funny fat girl. 

I've spent the last three weeks at a job that is challenging and that I'm good at.  If I never felt worthy of higher pay and better perks than my previous job, I wouldn't have this one.  I'm realizing, while surrounded by smart, successful people, that I'm worthy of being employed there too.  In fact, they're lucky to have me join their team.

Changing jobs (and being successful with that change) has given me a whole new outlook on life.  I can't change the past, I can't change who I was. 

But letting go of my old beliefs about myself and about my life means that I'm opening up to the beauty of possibilities I've yet to be exposed to.

What about you - what aspects of yourself do you need to let go of?

My sliver of happy

Usually I point you all to blogs regarding weight loss, healthy eating, mindfulness, or friends that I know.

But today, I'm going to encourage you to check out a blog that is first on my reading list - and has been - for weeks.

Enjoying the Small Things is written by Kelle Hampton. 

She takes pictures of things, mostly her girls.  She writes beautifully.  She's not perfect (even though she looks like she is).  She shares and she practices being centered in the right here and now, in taking pleasure in the enjoyment of the small things. 

If you're new to her, I recommend her post about the birth of her second child.  It's a great starting place.

Reading her words and seeing her pictures makes me relax; it soothes me in ways that I can't clearly articulate.

Do yourself a favor - check her out.  I'm pretty sure you'll be glad you did.

Perseverance, Week 2: Less Sugar

Last week, I mentioned that the idea of small changes adding up to big lifestyle changes was a motivator for me.  My small change from last week was that I was going to start adding in more water to my daily life.

So how'd I do?  Well, pretty good.  My facility doesn't have ice (I KNOW, what do they think we are, animals?!?) so water is less temping than before.  BUT they do have fairly cold water fountains.  So I've been making frequent trips to the water fountain throughout the day to put water in my nalgene bottle (cartoon drawing of it to the right).  I learned quickly to not fill it up, as I typically don't drink the whole thing before it gets warm.

Week 1?  Success!

For the second week, I really wanted to focus on something that I think will help me in the long run AND the short run:  To cut down on sweets.

This is a tough one for me - especially lately.  I've been craving sweets more and more...and there seems to be something to the idea that the more you have of something, the more your body craves it - especially with sweets.

So this week, as impossible as it might feel, I'm going to limit my refined sugar as much as possible.

The hardest thing to do is to cut out the sugar in my coffee, but I think I'm breaking free of that.  Today, after two mugfuls of coffee, I still had only used less than half of a Sweet N' Low packet.  Next, I need to watch the dessert offerings that I've been having after dinner.  A few Milk Duds are turning into a few handfuls...and what's worse, they're not even being mindfully consumed.

Last night, on the way home from work, I stopped at the grocery store and bought some delicious blackberries and honeycrisp apples, two of my most favorite fruits.  This way, when I'm armed with something sweet for after dinner, I can have a healthy portion of fruit instead of my usual scouring for something artificial.


So I (selfishly) can have some inspiration for a change next week, what is something small you're working on this week or have had success in?

Cracking in two...

"Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before." ~Jacob A. Riis

This weekend, I had originally planned on running a local 7K (The Runnin' O' The Green).  I ran it last year - even though it ended in snow and Joe was in bed, warm and cuddly.  But this year?  I didn't sign up; I just cuddled.

I couldn't run 7K straight if I tried.

But the worst thing?  I didn't.  Try that is.

On May 1st, I'm already signed up for a 5 mile run, the Cherry Creek Sneak.  I did it last year and it was a bunch of fun.  Well, maybe not fun, I mean afterall, it was difficult.

Anyway, on January 3rd of this year, I registered for this year's Cherry Creek Sneak.  Know what that means?  Yes, that's right - I have about 6 weeks to get in shape and be able to run 5 miles. 

I'm up for the challenge.  I can add 1 mile per week and then work on my speed for that distance throughout the week.

Somehow, having a tangible goal to work towards helps me out.

What's more, this change in me - to be healthier in my mind, body, and spirit may not be discernible from day to day...but over the course of a longer time period, the change is undeniable.

Keep going

"If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking." ~Buddhist Saying

When I first started my weight loss journey, I often thought about food as "good" or "bad."  It's kind of silly, actually - since food is usually measured in calories.  What makes a calorie "good" or "bad?"  Well, nothing really.  A calorie is just a science term.

And just how many calories of one thing makes something good or bad anyway?  My answer used to be:  when I start to feel guilty about it.

These days, I've realized that I've shed that mentality.  I've had a constant supply of chocolate in our house since I moved in - almost a year ago.  Guess how many times I've binged on them? ZERO.

So clearly, I've learned that food isn't inherantly good or bad.

And yet, I'm struggling with letting go of labeling myself on my journey as either doing good or bad.

Gained weight?  BAD.  Lost weight but not as much as I'd liked?  BAD.  Clothes getting baggier? GOOD.  Worked out today? GOOD.

I'm not talking about healthy pride in doing something that makes your body feel great.  I'm talking about making the label of good or bad to be a core of your identity - if only for the day.

The thing is, I need to realize that my path to success has many glitches in it.  There may be many times where I ask myself if I'll ever get to my ideal weight.  Those times, I get discouraged and downtrodden thinking that I'll never be as successful as the people that do extreme dieting.

But then I come across something that reminds me that as long as I'm on the right path, and I put one foot in front of the other, I WILL get there.

It's not a race.

As long as I have the intestinal fortitude to keep on going, it's all good.