"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." ~Lao Tzu
I was born into a family of three daughters. My whole life, I've been the funny one, the one in the middle who takes care of others and soothes the hurts of the day. I was the smart one who became an engineer at a great school. I was the responsible one.
And, I've always been the fat one.
I've written about it before, but shedding the titles of the past has always been a pretty big deal to me. "What kind of girl are you?" and "What kind of girl do you want to be?" are questions that I've always found pretty powerful to ask myself.
But what I don't think I've realized until late is that if I don't let go of my own ideas of how things should be, I'm living in the past. And if I'm living in the past, I'm not making much of the now - or making much of the future that I could have. I'm starting to realize that living like that isn't living much at all.
I'm not sure when I decided that being at a healthy weight wasn't for me, not really. But I've believed that for as long as I can remember. Thin, pretty people were for covers of magazines or bridal websites - not for people like me.
When you feel so low about who you are as a person, it's hard to feel like you're worth another diet, another go at healthy eating, a higher paying job, a more fulfilling life, or a healthy relationship. You just believe that you're lucky for what you get - and you shouldn't expect to be given more.
But if you always believe that, you can never become anything different. Despite all of your efforts. And believe me, the only thing that I've done more times than I've quit diets is starting a new one.
I may not be posting often on this blog, but I am doing a lot of thinking about me, about how I got this way, about why I've struggled so much with weight loss, and about what it is that I really want.
Some days I'm closer to answers to those ponderings and some days I'm not.
What I can tell you is that I've made some huge progress in myself - lasting progress - over the past year.
I no longer think that I don't deserve a loving relationship. I no longer believe that I'm not worth a happy life. I no longer believe that suffering abuse as I did several times as a child was due to me being faulty to begin with. And I no longer believe that my destiny is to be fat.
I'm letting go of feeding my emotions with food. I'm letting go of my belief that I will always be that funny fat girl.