This past week, I went back to Houston for the second week of company sponsored training. The days were long, and I spent a lot of time worried about the test that I would have to take at the end of the week.
See, I want to change jobs. Badly. If I had to break it down, I'd say that I want to change jobs for three main reasons:
1) I'm strapped for cash these days. No really. I just did my taxes and I made $8K less this year than I did last year - all because they took away our bonus structure. Also, I haven't had a raise since I started working here and it'll be three years in April. Being consumed with worry over money often is not good for me or my soul.
I'm proud of the ways that I cut back last year - it's not easy to remove that much money from your yearly budget without going under. I'm tired of worrying if I'll have ENOUGH. Splurging money on ME (via a massage, a workshop, or even gym memberships) is nice but sometimes it backfires because I worry if I will regret it later when I don't have any money left.
What do I do when I worry? I often turn to food. So worrying about money means that I consume more of it and feel guilty about later. The reality is, I have to break this cycle no matter what my financial situation.
2) I don't like what I do. Years ago, I was an engineer at a major automotive company. I had a chance to learn the financial side of the business and I took it. I figured I could always go back to engineering. Turns out, that's not really the case. It's been 5 years since I've done any real engineering (even though my title is "engineer" at my current company) and I miss it. Right now I bascially do sales stuff, but I don't like that. I never have. Switching jobs will bring more pleasure to my life where at least I'll like what I'm doing.
3) I want to move. Badly.
Two years ago, fresh from a bad break-up, I decided to follow through on selling my house. See, I had just changed jobs from the financial industry to at least be a more technical sales person. The new job paid about $20K less than my old one. Pair that with the knowledge that the ARM on my mortgage was about to go up, I knew I had to downsize.
But at that time, I was so unsure of who I was or even wanted to be. I bought a place in a trendy part of town and downsized from 1500 square feet to 750 square feet. "Stuff is just stuff" I told myself. I can downsize. It might be really mentally healthy! Besides, I can be a Denver version of Carrie in 'Sex & The City!' I'll go to the close by local bars, I'll stay out all night, I'll be that independent woman I admire!
Turns out, stuff is just stuff. But a bad layout of my place means that my place always feels small, cramped, and cluttered. And I found that living in a row home (which is kind of like a condo in the sense that I have people that I share walls with, but not like it in the sense that no one is above or below me) with not a lot of light ISN'T helpful. I crave sunlight. My place is kind of like a cave - I only have three windows for the whole place.
AND as for being like Carrie? Well, I don't *like* to drink to excess. I've never gone to a bar by myself and I don't stay up all night. I don't want casual sex with random guys and I could care less about the "scene." Apparently, I don't want that lifestyle at all.
So I want to move. I talked with my realtor a few weeks ago and my place has appreciated enough (yippee for the trendy part of town) such that if I sell it, I won't lose money even after closing costs and commissions. BUT what I can afford hasn't changed much either (if anything, I can now afford less), so the places that we took a look at this past weekend are run down and have crappy layouts. If I made more money (aka what I'm worth) then I'd be able to afford a bit of a nicer place in a less trendy (but safe) neighborhood.
So, long story short (too late) the training that I went to will help me get the job that I want, a job I'd be (and have been) great at. I'd be able to get the job that would relieve me of the above concerns.
I just need to find that job.
In the meantime, I'm relieved that I won't have to be travelling any time soon. I'm relieved that I can buy groceries and know that they won't spoil because I'll be out of town. I'm relieved that I can cook foods and have leftovers that won't spoil.
And I'm relieved that I get to spend time with Joe. Things with him are so wonderfully fantastic these days - I think, in part, because I am not tempering my love, excitement, or happiness about being with him. The comfort that I get from being with him, falling asleep next to him, and being able to count on him is absolutely blissful. He is one of my best friends and he is someone that I feel loves me just for me being me.
Every now and again, the thought of "this won't last! It never does!" creeps into my head. I know that I have to look at those thoughts as me trying to protect myself from future hurt. So I'm saying it now: I love him. And if this doesn't last it'll be one of the biggest heartaches of my life. But if it does last? It'll be one of the best things in my life.
And oh, what a relief it would be to be done with dating.
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