Heavy

Yesterday, I ate a HUGE cream filled, chocolate topped donut right before leaving for my Weight Watchers meeting. I know, you may not understand why I did it, but I'll 'splain.

When the sales guy brings in the donuts in the morning, my co-workers usually attack it with zeal. Among the first donuts to be scarfed up are custard filled, chocolate topped donuts. Seriously. They're ALWAYS gone first. Those are pretty much the only donuts I like so those are the only ones I typically eat.

So I made a deal with myself months ago: I wait until the afternoon to check the box and if the donut I want is still in there, I get to have it. If not, I don't.

Yesterday at 3, I checked the box and saw the huge yummy donut. I started salivating, which was my cue to myself that I wanted it... and so I had it. Seriously, this happens about once a year, so I don't feel bad at all. But that was one heavy donut. Seriously, it was probably a half pound of sugar and processed foods... And you know what? I enjoyed every bite. I tried to eat it as slowly as possible and to be mindfully present with every bite.

It worked for about half of the bites. What? I'm a work in progress.

Anyway, I went to the meeting and ended up still losing 0.6 pounds for the week, which is not too shabby.

Last night I had a conversation with my boyfriend that turned into an argument. I'm not so naive to think that long term relationships are without their disagreements, but dammit, I want mine to be that way!

While theoretically, there are no winners and losers in arguments and that no one person is right or wrong, I KNOW that I was VERY right. :) I was justified in asking for what I did and I feel like his exasperation towards me hurt. Actually, it hurt a lot. We made up. We had a short conversation about why it was so emotionally charged for both of us. But I still felt uneasy so I decided to sleep on it, knowing that I usually feel better in the morning.

The thing is, like a bad hangover the day after drinking, I am still aware of the fight this morning. I still love him very much but I know that if we can't figure out how to have discussions in a better way, our relationship won't survive the harder times that are inevitable. I still feel misunderstood. I still feel sad that we didn't communicate better. And I still feel wronged. I hate remembering the disagreement. I hate that he felt bad. I hate that I felt bad. I hate that he's probably feeling the same way today.

With all of these thoughts, it's no wonder that I feel heavy today. And that heaviness in my heart is slow to leave me right about now.

What I'm thankful for? That today is a sunny, beautiful day in Denver. It's supposed to be in the 50s and I know that my run at lunch will give me so much comfort. Perhaps I can shake some of these worries free and leave them on the trail so that my heart feels lighter.

I'm also meeting with a friend for dinner - and I know that laughing with her (as we always do) will help my spirits lift.

And for now, that is enough. It has to be.