Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Heavy


Yesterday, I ate a HUGE cream filled, chocolate topped donut right before leaving for my Weight Watchers meeting. I know, you may not understand why I did it, but I'll 'splain.

When the sales guy brings in the donuts in the morning, my co-workers usually attack it with zeal. Among the first donuts to be scarfed up are custard filled, chocolate topped donuts. Seriously. They're ALWAYS gone first. Those are pretty much the only donuts I like so those are the only ones I typically eat.

So I made a deal with myself months ago: I wait until the afternoon to check the box and if the donut I want is still in there, I get to have it. If not, I don't.

Yesterday at 3, I checked the box and saw the huge yummy donut. I started salivating, which was my cue to myself that I wanted it... and so I had it. Seriously, this happens about once a year, so I don't feel bad at all. But that was one heavy donut. Seriously, it was probably a half pound of sugar and processed foods... And you know what? I enjoyed every bite. I tried to eat it as slowly as possible and to be mindfully present with every bite.

It worked for about half of the bites. What? I'm a work in progress.

Anyway, I went to the meeting and ended up still losing 0.6 pounds for the week, which is not too shabby.

Last night I had a conversation with my boyfriend that turned into an argument. I'm not so naive to think that long term relationships are without their disagreements, but dammit, I want mine to be that way!

While theoretically, there are no winners and losers in arguments and that no one person is right or wrong, I KNOW that I was VERY right. :) I was justified in asking for what I did and I feel like his exasperation towards me hurt. Actually, it hurt a lot. We made up. We had a short conversation about why it was so emotionally charged for both of us. But I still felt uneasy so I decided to sleep on it, knowing that I usually feel better in the morning.

The thing is, like a bad hangover the day after drinking, I am still aware of the fight this morning. I still love him very much but I know that if we can't figure out how to have discussions in a better way, our relationship won't survive the harder times that are inevitable. I still feel misunderstood. I still feel sad that we didn't communicate better. And I still feel wronged. I hate remembering the disagreement. I hate that he felt bad. I hate that I felt bad. I hate that he's probably feeling the same way today.

With all of these thoughts, it's no wonder that I feel heavy today. And that heaviness in my heart is slow to leave me right about now.

What I'm thankful for? That today is a sunny, beautiful day in Denver. It's supposed to be in the 50s and I know that my run at lunch will give me so much comfort. Perhaps I can shake some of these worries free and leave them on the trail so that my heart feels lighter.

I'm also meeting with a friend for dinner - and I know that laughing with her (as we always do) will help my spirits lift.

And for now, that is enough. It has to be.

8 Comments:

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

I used to eat 3 of those donuts in a sitting, along with a very sugary iced cappucino! If you could see little labels on my body of what I ate to get fat, I'd say 70% would be those donuts and apple fritters. Pretty gross when you think about it...

I'm glad you enjoyed your ONE donut! If you only eat one once a year, that's admirable in my books.

There's nothing like having a laugh with a friend if you're feeling down. :)

linds said...

I'm sorry you had a rough evening. Times like that are hard. I just went through it this past weekend. For my relationship, communication is the key. Actually, I believe its the key in any relationship. I tell my son - we don't have to always agree but we have to respect what the other person is feeling. I hope you're able to work things out to where you're both happy.

And good job with the doughnut! Who would think you'd get encouraged to eat a doughnut? :) But, I think if you want something, and its in moderation - go for it! And waiting that long to eat a doughnut is amazing!

POD said...

I would love to have/share some of your Denver sun.

Also as far as communication goes, you guys could try this group. The local NVC has couples communication stuff all the time. Not being part of a couple, I find I am envious.

TinaM said...

Good- I'm glad you don't feel guilty about the donut! You can indulge every once in a while!

I'm sorry you had the argument with your man, be proud of yourself you didn't run to the fridge lol.
I find that they don't usually hurt as much as us... and he probably ISN'T still hurting today like you are... that said- if he IS, that probably means he feels really bad about it and there is definitely hope for a good relationship :)

Missa said...

Sometimes you have to fight a lot before you can really find the communication groove. Just remember to not go to bed angry, and make a point of telling one another that you love them: even if you are totally pissed.

YUM YUM Donuts....

Margie M. said...

My husband and I will celebrate 45 years together in June (41 married) and he still doesn't "get" me sometimes. In spite of that, there has grown a deep, deep love and affection between us. We do have arguments...OK, big fights....once in a while but we've learned to agree to disagree from time to time. We try to respect each other and our differing opinions, and just get on with our life and love together. You can do it too.

Margie M. writes at:
www.myhealthylivingthruweightcontrol.blogspot.com

lindalou said...

I can't believe Colorado is warmer than Pennsylvania... sucks for me.
Relationships are the hardest thing ever....very draining at times. BFF's aren't...so good for you for hanging with your BFF!! Good timing!

Lisa (the girls' moma) said...

Anne -- what you said about feeling "heavy" after your fight with The Man is exactly how I feel, too, after K and I argue -- which is rare, but still hurts so badly. I find if we write to each other, it really helps get those words out that we can't say in the heat of the argument. Do you guys do that? Write each other, afterward? Maybe it would help.

Anyway, sometimes we just realize that we disagree. And I HATE that! Aren't we supposed to agree about it ALL? I mean, C'Mon! But no, we are both human and sometimes we don't agree.

Communication works, I really think so. But you still can't solve every situation. No matter how much you hate that!