Shameful Shopping

A few days ago, I read my friend, The Babe's, blog. The Babe is fantastic, sweet, funny and a brilliant writer to boot. She just had gastric bypass surgery and is learning how to adapt to her changes. And can I just say that she has lost a LOT of weight in the past month and I'm sure looks fabulous? Okay then, she's lost a lost and looks great. :) Anyway, she recently wrote about a grocery store experience that she had where she saw her nutritionist at the store. I didn't comment on the post right away (as I am wont to do when I'm trying to figure out a mindful comment) but in my comment this morning, I realized that I wanted to expound upon my own experiences with shameful shopping.

I remember when I was a kid - old enough to walk to places on my own, but not old enough to drive - I would walk to the grocery store about a half a mile away. At this grocery store, I'd buy two jumbo packs (I think I remember it being around 8-10 regular packages each) of Peanut Butter Twix.

As a young teenager, this took a lot of planning. I mean, I *knew* I couldn't eat all of those before I got back to the house - and even if I could, where would I put the wrappers? I would have to empty my backpack of it's books and walk to the store, buy my loot and then try to eat it as quickly as possible before going home. I'd put a wrapper or two in various neighbor's trash cans and hide the rest at home in various trash cans should my mom become suspicious as a bunch of them in mine.

When I could drive and had my own place, I could freely buy the food I wanted most. Sort of.

Because the thing is, although I lived in constant fear of someone I knew seeing what was in my shopping cart, the person I dreaded the most was the cashier.

Cashiers are funny - you can't always tell who is going to be the chatty one, just like you can't tell who is going to be overly slow or who is going to smush your bread. You can *try* to figure it out (much like trying to pick the fastest line in the security check at the airport), but it's difficult.

I can't remember how many times I've lied to cashiers. Sometimes they'd ask "Oh, are you having a party?" and I'd mumble something like "Yes" just so they'd keep checking my items. If pressed on the party type or reason, I'd make up something - anything - as long as they would stop asking questions. It's easy to see why they'd think that- when I looked at the items on the conveyor belt, they were half gallons of ice cream, bags of chips, dips, and frozen pizzas. I remember once buying several pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream and having the cashier make a funny weird face about it. I quickly lied, "Oh, I have a friend that just went through a break up and I don't know which ice cream she'd prefer so I bought a few." The cashier would smile, nod, and comment on what a great friend I was.

My salvation at the grocery store is when they started adding those self-checkout stations.

Even through previous attempts at weight loss - ones where I'd deprive myself on a regular basis - I'd eventually break and go to the store to buy all of my "red light foods." In those moments, I'd feel such shame. I just *knew* that the people behind me and in front of me in line (as well as the cashier) knew that all this food was for me. I felt disappointment that I was breaking my diet and I also felt helpless. Because when the food is on the conveyor belt (and therefore SO close to being MINE), I would suffer just about anything to get it. In fact, the humiliation that I felt was fodder for me feeling like I NEEDED the treats. Food would make me feel better...and, in truth, it always did.

But during the last year and a half, I've cut out most of that. It wasn't always easy. At first, I started slowly. Gradually, the times between the red light food shopping sprees got longer and longer. And now, it's an extremely rare occasion when I have crap food on the conveyor belt.

Do I still have the cravings to buy jumbo packages of candy? Absolutely. But those feelings are rarer and rarer now. So rare that when I notice that I'm craving them, it almost shocks me - and I take a scan of myself and my mind to find out WHY I'm craving something like that. Sometimes I get the answer quickly and other times I don't.

What happens with much more regularity is me feeling good about the food that I present to the conveyor belt. I shop, and have shopped, for healthier items so much that I don't even really have a lot of feelings about the food I buy. I'm on auto-pilot. If I had to pick an emotion about it, I guess I would say that I am proud that I have things in bags from the produce section versus over processed foods in boxes.

My old shopping experiences were harried and anxiety filled. I worried about who could see what I was buying and what they thought. I got in and out quickly for fear that I would run into someone I knew. I grabbed whatever looked good and let my cravings make the decisions.

Now, I don't care who sees what I'm buying. I still have snacks, but they're directed more to healthy options than to cravings. I see a rainbow of colors in my cart. I know that the food that I will consume will be tasty and will be good for my body. It will fuel my runs and will allow me to enjoy my evenings. I don't worry about what someone would see if they opened the cupboards or fridge.

It was so cool to read The Babe's post because until then, I guess I hadn't really realized how much my shopping experience has changed.

Next on the list: cleaning up my fast food choices and/or the amount of times I eat fast food. I may not be shy about letting people look in my pantry or fridge, but to look at the wrappers of some of the fast food items I pick? Eesh. I want to start cooking more meals and spend less time eating out of containers.