Friday, March 19, 2010

Oh, Baby...

Internet, I confess: I'm envious.

Just now I read Fat Bridesmaid's post where she talked about how her friends are preggo and she is happy for them but doesn't want a baby for herself (at least right now).

And folks...I am SO not her.

In fact, I'm so not her that I kind of wish I WERE her. In a lot of ways, I think it'd be easier to have her mindset.

See, my desire to want to have a baby is, at times, so strong that I worry that others can hear my biological clock ticking.

I sigh over pictures of dooce's baby (who wouldn't??), I keep pictures of my friend's babies on my fridge, I proudly display their kids' drawings up in my cube, and I rush over to hold a baby when any friend indicates that that's a possibility.

Clearly, I've got baby on the mind.

My therapist says that this is a biological urge and that there is nothing wrong with wanting kids. And at 32, I want them badly before I'm 35 (for the health of myself and my babies).

I feel, in my heart, that I will be a mom - in one way or another. I know that the risk of me being able to get pregnant increases as I get older. Like any sexually active person, I've pretty much only tried to NOT get pregnant, so I don't even know if I *can* have a baby.

But OH do I want one.

I'm not really worried about it. I mean, I don't want one so badly that I'd get off my birth control and trick Joe into having a baby with me. Just the thought of that is horrible. And I am happy in my current relationship - it's building in a pace that I'm happy with and I hope is going somewhere.

Truthfully, I feel that a baby is in my future and I'm trying to trust that the things that I'm learning now, when I'm not a mom, are preparing me to be the best mom I can be. I hope that they inherit my freckles rather than my binging habits. I hope they get my sense of humor rather than my intense desire to worry about things beyond my control.

And having a baby? That's a whole lot of beyond my control. So I'm trying to not worry about it.

But just so you know, I want one. Actually, as long as we're being honest, I want two, but I'll try not to be greedy.

8 Comments:

TinaM said...

oh I'm sorry, I know what that feels like. I had my son young, and always knew I'd have more but wanted to wait. In the last 6 years I went through phases and wanted a baby SO bad... My fiance would hold off my emotions by getting me a kitten. He is very sneaky. (i have 5 cats lol) I even fought off the need once with 2 baby iguanas. Sounds crazy, but somehow it worked lol.
Now I am so over weight, and my son is already 11...I feel like its to late, but maybe that's for the best.
I hope you have talked to your boy friend about it. It will all work out :) For now maybe you could babysit for friends (or maybe not, that might turn you off to the whole idea! LOL)

happyfunpants said...

Hi Tina!

I am sure I could be placated by animals too. :)

And rest assured, Joe definitely knows of my desire to have kids - and the timing of when I'd like them (i.e. the next year or two).

Gosh - I can't even imagine not being up front about something like that! I'm so glad that you gave me the opportunity to clarify!

Amy Pousson said...

wow...I am so NOT you. I love my nephews. I love my friends' babies. I just don't want any of my own. But good for you for knowing what you want. It's just further proof that it's OK to be different than your friends and no one can tell you what is right for you.

POD said...

Hey, I only wanted one and got two at the same time. Be careful what you wish for.
And I love babies and little kids especially the nonbrattyones.

Lisa said...

Just came across your blog..

I hope you get to be a mommy someday...

Lyn said...

You'll be a great mommy! It is exciting. And oddly I know the longing and bio ticking clock. I had FOUR kids before I was 26 and then got divorced. I wanted another baby in the worst way... just one more. And when I was about 33 I gave up, sold all the baby stuff and decided it wasn't going to happen.

And then came the princess when I was 35! :)

I hope you get your wish!

The Babe said...

I know the feeling. And I'm 36 and wonder if it's too late. I hate the feeling that I've lost so much time being overweight.

But if animals count, yours is like having a multiple birth. A very LARGE multiple birth. :-)

Still lovin' the blog. Someday, when eating out is safe, we should meet for some decalf, sugar free, antioxident-rich green tea. :-)

Missa said...

Well, I don't know what the 'best' time is to have a child. There is always a reason not to: no money, home isn't large enough, no time, etc. I think you just have to do it and see what shakes out. Do you talk to your Sweetheart about the possibility of children? Is he game?