Friday, December 10, 2010

True craving

Since I've battled eating issues most of my life, I feel like I know a lot about cravings.  Sometimes I'd get the idea of something salty or sweet in my head and I couldn't get it out of my mouth would salivate at the thought of whatever I was jonesing for at that moment.

But yesterday, while in the car listening to some music that I usually run to, I realized that I am experiencing cravings of a whole other kind.

I want to run SO badly.  I miss it more than I can tell you.

I'm not really sure that I've ever experienced this kind of desire for something that usually has been in my control.  Sure, when I was single, I wanted a healthy relationship - sometimes so badly that I'd get depressed.  And of course, I've wanted the stability of a job or promotion, or something equally as professionally oriented.  Since all of these "wants" weren't solely in my control, I could usually release them a bit easier.

But me and my body?  Well, that's usually been the one thing I *could* control. 

This past weekend, Joe and I went out to eat to celebrate a friend's birthday.  Although the evening was continuing for the rest of the guests at a bowling alley, we opted to leave and go to a movie instead.  I'm sure I could get a ball that would be under 10 pounds (my post-surgical weight limit), but continually chucking that thing at the gutters (which is how I bowl), would undoubtedly take a toll on my body.  So a movie it was.  We had a great time and while we were on our way back to the car, another car was coming a bit quicker towards us than we had originally thought.  We jogged a few steps and that's when my night of fun and frivolity had a reality check.

It's not just bowling that I can't do right now.  It's jogging - even for a few steps.  The pain that my abdomen felt just from jogging those few steps has remained in my head for the past week.

And I know...there is at least one person who reads this blog that can't run either - due to her physical limitations.  So I probably shouldn't whine about this...I mean, someday I probably will be able to run again.

But right now I can't.  I haven't been able to for over two months.  And that makes me sad.

Yesterday I listened to a few songs on my iPod while driving down the road, I wanted to run so badly.  I wanted to just check out - to get away from the pain, the limitations, and the frustrations that this surgery and it's healing (or lack thereof).  When I was listening to the upbeat song that I love to run to, I could feel my heart pick up and my muscles wanting nothing more than a run.  Akin to the way my mouth would salivate at the thought of Phish Food by Ben and Jerry's, my muscles were craving the release of the stress that I'd been bottling up.  I want to move with intensity - walking doesn't come close to getting out the stress, worries, concerns, and fears I have.

When I run (okay, sometimes it's a limping jog), I tune out almost everything other than my breath, my stride, and obstacles in my path.  I match my pace with the beat of the song and just concentrate on that...on the emotions that come up while listening to it.  Because I'm not usually able to sing or talk at the same time as I run, I don't have to worry about striking up even pleasant conversation with someone else.  I realize that I'm able bodied - the reassuring slap of my shoes on the ground tells me so.  And even when I think that I can't possibly run another step, I do.  After that, somehow my problems don't seem so all consuming, so insurmountable. 

So when I say that I miss running, I mean it - my body and soul really misses the running.

Yesterday, I went ahead and bought Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred for the second time in my life.  The first DVD was lost in an epic battle (2010's battle between Anne's DVD player and the 30 Day Shred DVD...the DVD player won).  I know I can't lift the weights.  And the jumping jacks probably aren't doable in their intended form.  But I can do SOMETHING on it - even if only the dips and lunges. 

It's sort of like settling for a sugar-free cocoa made with water when what you really crave is the full fat milk chocolate drink from your childhood.  But maybe it'll take the edge of the craving until I can actually do something about it.

Until then, those of you who CAN run now, run a teeny tiny bit for me, will you?


Karen said...

Bummer.... but how cool that you crave running. When I broke my arm last spring I sooo wanted to get on my bike when the weather warmed up. It was hard to find ways to exercise and hard to be patient. I have empathy.

Princess Dieter said...

THIS IS ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Omigosh, I thought I was having like some mental crisis. I've never really WANTED to run. I think because I'm getting lighter and my knees, while still a mess, hurt less, I'm yearning for it. It implies body freedom to be able to It's like childhood, when your knees are fine and you aren't fat and, even with asthma, your body can run. Aaaahhhh.....

Gina said...

I totally know the feeling & am blessed to be able to head home & do it. I'll run a little extra for you too; I also think of my grams when I run as she has had a club foot (that she drags behind her) since her mid-30's. I bet she'd do it if she could you know? Even though it's on your struggles list, it shows a lot of growth that it's a physical fitness craving, rather than the traditional food kind in seeking a way to relieve stress. Have fun with Jillian:-)

Lyn said...

You are *totally* going to get back to running and I can't wait to hear about it! Prayers for quick healing of every kind :)

Lanie Painie said...

I still can't run, but I'm going to start trying the 200 squat challenge tomorrow. Care to join me?

I figure if I strengthen those legs, maybe I'll be able to run soon without my knees bitching at me so much!