Friday, October 16, 2009

Becoming a Little More Emotionally Healthy

I know that I mentioned that Joe (the boyfriend) is out of town this week. What I didn't mention is that he's out of town with his close friend who happens to be a girl. They get to go to a Broadway theatre production, to a hockey game, and get to see all the museums they'd like to. They left on Wednesday and will come back late on Sunday.

If you've been following me for a very long time, you might know that I had an ex-boyfriend that cheated on me - and it was one of the most hurtful experiences in my life. So you might think that I'm super worried about what might happen.

But the truth of the matter is, I've had to make a conscious decision to trust him. A little over a month ago, I realized that I worried about it - not because the boyfriend isn't trustworthy, but because the past boyfriend wasn't. And while I logically understand that Joe is different than my ex, believing it emotionally was a whole other battle.

So I made him promise that if he ever found himself wanting to cheat, all he had to do was call me and break up. Even via voicemail. I didn't care. I just wanted to be able to trust that he wasn't off doing something sexually with someone else unless I had heard from him. It may sound silly, but his promise has provided me comfort. And if I ever get caught up in the "what if", I have to ask myself "Self? Do you trust him?" and when the answer always comes back as "yes" I'm trying to remind myself to stop my mind there.

Because the thing is, it doesn't matter if he's off on a trip with his great friend (who happens to be a girl) or if he's on a business trip, or if he is just out with the guys one night. It doesn't matter if you share a room or are staying in separate hotels. It doesn't matter if your wife is hot - I knew a guy that cheated on his unbelievably gorgeous wife with a girl that was about 150 pounds heavier than his wife. What a relief it was to hear his story! Because in my mind, I had convinced myself that the ex cheated on me because I was fat. I believed that crap for YEARS afterwards. But now I know that cheating has very little to do with weight. It has very little to do with happiness. It has a lot to do with character. If you want to cheat you will find a way to cheat. It's as simple as that.

A few months ago, I was at a friend's house for a party. We were all drinking (although I was, by far, the most sober) outside on the deck. At one point, we heard sloshing sounds coming from the hot tub where two people were. These people are both dating others. The guy is LIVING with his girlfriend (who was away that night at a rodeo). And yet, here they were HAVING SEX in someone else's hot tub. * Classy, no?

My point is, I feel like I'm looking at this situation (the New York thing - not the hot tub thing) in a healthy way. I'm not saying that I've never been concerned about it. I'm just saying that I am remind myself that I CHOOSE to believe Joe. I believe his words and I believe his actions. Joe and I have a loving relationship where he is physically and emotionally available to me. I believe that. I have to.

And unless I'm given different data, I promise to not believe otherwise.

*Don't you worry. The guy had to clean out the hot tub and buy all new filters for the owner as penance.