Friends and followers

Today I'm a bit nervous; I'm meeting a blogging buddy for the first time.

To be clear, I hide behind the moniker of Happy Fun Pants for a reason. Some of the things that I write about here are private...you know, so private that I share it with complete strangers for all the world to see. :) But other than three or four people, no one who reads this KNOWS me in real life.

I suppose having the anonymity is helpful. It allows me to be 100% honest. It allows me to get all of the thoughts out of my head in a healthy way. But sometimes? The truth is ugly. It's hard to write. It's hard to admit and it's hard to just put it out there for someone to read. I know you know what I mean.

One of my first followers on this blog is POD. When she started reading me, I was writing often on my other blog (aptly named "From The Mixed Up Files of Happy Fun Pants"). I used that blog to be funny, to be sarcastic, to keep up with friends, and did I mention to be funny?* It was a great representation of how I wanted the world to see me: confident, available, funny, and optimistic. Truthfully, it's the version of me I've always tried to portray. But inside? I've struggled with feeling fat, stupid, shameful, and doomed for failure. Cue Smokey Robinson singing "Tears of a Clown"...

The first few months I had this blog, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't market it at all. So when POD found me, I was basically just writing for me - to get the thoughts out of my head. I remember one time she wrote to me and said something like "[Smaller Fun Pants] seems more real, more authentic." It was one of the first times that I thought that I - who I am truly on the inside - might actually be worth something.

In the last year, since my blog has been more public, I've gotten a lot of followers and a lot of support. My post from yesterday shows how supportive you guys are of me and my life. And I hope you know (although I'm HORRIBLE about leaving comments on others' pages...but am trying to get better) how much your support and your comments mean to me.

I was thrilled when I opened up my Blogger account this morning, I saw that I have 60 (SIXTY!) followers. I have more readers than that (because not everyone has a blogger account and CAN be a follower), but seeing that there are at least 60 people who care about me and think that what I write is worthy to check out on a regular basis is so motivating. I feel great - and I have you to thank for this wonderful feeling. THANK YOU!

So back to tonight...

Meeting someone who reads my blog, knows that I have issues with food and eating, and doesn't know the funny, sarcastic side of me is a little weird. The person I'm meeting with, Katy at Project Look Good Naked, seems like someone I'd genuinely like to be friends with. Don't tell her, but I'm excited and a bit nervous. I guess I feel like I've won most people in my life over with my funny and bubbly demeanor. Katy? She doesn't know that side of me (yet)...but she still wanted to meet. It's a bit backward. Usually people REALLY have to get to know me to know my hurts, my issues, and my innermost thoughts. Katy knows all of that but doesn't know some pretty basic stuff about me. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it will be fine...it's just something I'm currently having a hard time grasping.

But overall, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that because both she and I sought out ways to encourage healthy mindsets and behaviors when it comes to food and eating, we are able TO meet. I'm thankful for the internet and forces that linked us together and I hope that we'll continue to be a source of encouragement and support for each other - no matter what happens tonight.

*Funniest posts are:
At least my hair looks cute
I'm not a bad driver, I'm just really good at Frogger.
My Facebook Friend Could Be Jesus (or maybe a Werewolf)
The Pack Mentality
More Fun Than You Can Shake A Baby At

Just don't check out the recent stuff...it's been pretty lame lately - my focus has been on this blog.