Sunday, May 30, 2010

Snooty, Snobby, and Daris updates

Because I've had some questions about how the dinner went, I'll tell you that it went...well, fine.

They still aren't my favorite people. But they're no longer my least favorite. Don't get me wrong, they're still not out of douche canoe* status, but the dinner was okay.

I took a lot of your suggestions to heart. I went there, ordered a drink that I liked, ate the bread that I wanted, ordered some fish just for myself (Joe and I did not split it), helped myself to THEIR mashed potatoes, and enjoyed our asparagus. The funny thing? I only ate half of my dish. I was full anyway.

I had questions for them (which wasn't the problem the first time) and the topics that they brought up were more conversation friendly versus just a way for them to monopolize the conversation. I jumped in when I felt I had something to say and made jokes when it was a good time to do so.

We parted ways, wished them a good night at the symphony, came home, and enjoyed our night.

The thing is, the night wasn't great. The dinner wasn't great. But *I* was great because I was myself. And honestly? It felt great.

Speaking of feeling things (I'm chicken enough to mention this buried in this post), I'm feeling like I'm struggling with my weight and eating plan.

Remember this post about Daris and his emotional eating? Well, ever since I saw it (which is going on two weeks), I have struggled with eating mindfully. And when I say "struggled" what I really mean is that I've been back to my old ways - eating anything that isn't walking or nailed down.

Alright, I'm not bingeing on vast quantities of food (in the old days, I could eat some serious stuff!), but I am eating well past the point of satiety ON PURPOSE. Before, when I was completely mindless about food, I'd find myself almost in a trance when I'd overeat. It's like I would start eating and then wouldn't stop until whatever I was eating was all gone. Then, I'd get up (typically from the couch) and pick something else to plow through. At the "end," I'd look around me to see empty chip bags, empty containers of various fast food items, and countless chocolate wrappers.

These days, it's been a bit different. I'd be aware that I wasn't hungry but that I still wanted to eat. So I'd eat something. Then I'd be aware that I still wanted to eat, so I'd eat something else. I'd be aware that my body was full and I'd eat. Then I'd be aware that my body was STUFFED and I'd drink a lot of water. I just wanted that stuffed feeling all of the time.

I lived in that state, of constant fullness, for about a week and a half - from when that episode of the Biggest Loser aired to last Thursday.

Last Thursday I met with my therapist and explained to her the WAY overboard association I had with Daris' plight. I tried to explain to her why what he was going through was so devastating to me on such a deep and personal level. After an hour, I'm still not completely sure that I made I won't bore you all with the ramblings here. But I realized that after I saw that, it triggered something in me - obviously - as I was back to wanting/needing that full feeling all the time.

Since Thursday, I've been trying to concentrate on the feelings and emotions that are coming up rather than stuffing them down with food or beverages. And so far, I'm back towards a more mindful eating mindset.

It's amazing to me that when I get all of my feelings out, I no longer feel the need to stuff them in.

So that's what I'm going to work on this week. I don't know what the scale says now since I wasn't weighing myself before. Even if I did weigh myself I wouldn't know how it compares to what it was. I just want to concentrate on how I feel and to try to be good to myself. Like I said in my Blog Tour post, I am trustworthy of being my own body's caretaker.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and that your Memorial Day is worth remembering. :)

*I can't take credit for this saying. You'll have to head over to "The Bloggess" for the creator of that phrase. Unless you don't like the "F" word, in which case, you should probably stay right here.

P.S. Some of you said that the link to the Nuvaring disaster post wasn't working...and sure enough, I didn't put the link in. Oops. So, if you're interested in reading about my train wreck on Nuvaring - here it is.


Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Yay for you! Glad you were yourself and felt good about it all because you were true to who you are.

I've been struggling myself for the past little bit, and it does come down to stuffing down the feelings vs. feeling them and letting them diminish on their own.
Very tough. Yet, it's helpful to me to know that you are trying to slug it out without using food as an anesthetic, too.

Thanks for your update.

Lyn said...

I have BEEN there too! Knowing you are doing it but doing it anyway. For me it was some kind of self sabotage. Like, I almost didn't WANT to be losing weight. Maybe a fear of some kind. I am still figuring that stuff out but it is worth thinking about.

I am glad you had a good time! I wish I could go out to dinner with you. I think we'd hit it off :)

Margie M. said...

OK...that's what your evening out was...OK. Not horrible and not fantastic. At least you were able to be yourself (like you wrote) and not come home feeling like crying your eyes out. Progress, definitely progress.

I have struggles myself in the same way you are describing. I just keep trying. Always trying. It's worth it because I feel healthier at a lesser weight. I screw up often and then try again. Food has always been my drug because it makes me feel good temporarily. Then I come off the high of my "drug" and feel like crap. Then I try again. I know you won't give up completely, Miss Fun Pants. You've come too far already.

Margie M. writes at:

Mrs. Happy Pants said...

What's that? An award? For you?
Yes it is.
Come to mah blog to get it.

TinaM said...

So glad you were yourself and it went better.

I love your nuvaring post. EVERYONE should read it lol. At my yearly appointment, they actually tried to talk me into the nuvaring. I am also fine with taking the pill, and was worried about it falling out and other things lol. After reading that, I'm SO glad I didn't switch!!!

I've been in the over eating boat now for about 2 weeks I think. I also felt so bad for Daris, and seeing him made me realize that could be me... I don't know if thats when I started eating everything if sight or not!! I'll have to go back and check!!!!
Glad you are back at it though. You're doing great!