Well that sucked...

So here's the thing: I get hot sleeping at Joe's.

It could be that his bed retains heat more than mine did. It could be his house temperature. Or it could be that the guy has a normal body heat of 450 degrees and it's like sleeping next to the sun (hello metabolism that keeps him at 150 pounds!) EVERY NIGHT.

I used to sleep in t-shirts and fun pants.* But the fun pants, especially during the summertime, are SO HOT that I end up taking them off halfway through the night and throwing them on the floor.

Because of this, most mornings I get out of bed in just a t-shirt. I know...in the movies, it looks like this would be so. very. hot. But in real life, with my cottage cheese legs, unkempt crazy hair, and dimpled bare butt it's not quite as attractive.

Occasionally I sleep in the nude (I know...I probably should've warned you), but my shoulders get cold when they're not covered...so I like to sleep in SOMETHING.

My mom slept in...well, I don't know what. But she always wore a "housecoat" when she was up and about in the mornings. I think we can all look at this picture and agree that it is sex-ay! I'm sure Miss Manners would say that there is nothing wrong with a housecoat. But it's not exactly the look I'm going for.

I recently got a Victoria's Secret catalogue in the mail and I thought "I know that I wear a size large in their undies...I'm sure I can fit into their sleepwear!" Joe and I looked through it, he picked out things he liked (and during this exercise there were times where I had to say that I was not going to be sleeping in a feathery negligee every evening thankyouverymuch).

SO yesterday, I went to Victoria's Secret because they are having a huge sale these days. I walked in the store and saw that the only nighties they had were on "sale" for $30 and they had screen printing all over the front.

I asked the young woman working if they had something else that I could sleep in and she said "of course!" and took me over to the "Pink!" side of the store.

For those that don't know, this section is reserved for teenagers that continually have their (unbrushed) hair in a sloppy pony tail. They are sucking on lollipops, have their thong strap showing above their sweatpants (which are scrunched to end at the knee and have "PINK" written all over the butt of the sweatpants) and are happily prancing around in a tank top WITH NO BRA. Let's be clear: I am not that person. I wear a 16 most days, and have 36DD's. These pants and bottoms maxxed out in what was marked as a "large" but in reality was the size of a toddler's Dora shirt.

One of the shorty shorts that they had for sale pictured bananas on one side and strawberries on the other. Alright, I'm all about some thinly veiled sexual innuendo, but what are the strawberries for? And as I'm thinking this, I'm realizing that not only could I not squeeze one butt cheek in these shorty shorts, but I am so out of touch with things these days that I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT STRAWBERRIES MEAN!

I almost had a mental breakdown in the store. 500 bonus points for me for not losing it.

So I looked at the little shop lady and said, "Oh. I think I'm looking for something that will fit me. And something that will be a bit more suited for my style." I mean, at the time, I was wearing a polo shirt, Levi's jeans, and Keen shoes. Not exactly high school tramp material.

She takes one look at me and says, "Yeah, those things usually don't fit people like you. But it's not like we can get them in bigger sizes. Maybe you could try a different store?"

Alright. To be fair, I kind of asked for that. But really? Ouch. 625 points awarded for not ripping off her arms and beating her with them.

Next door was a store that I SWORE I wouldn't walk in again. Lane Bryant.

But I really needed something. So I walked in.

Only I'm too small for the 14/16's they have there (I know...some of you all are screaming "BOO HOO!" at your monitors right now). It's just that I've worked SO hard to get out of that store. And let's be honest, the cuts aren't always the most flattering. I stood in the dressing room, wearing what could only be best described as a pink cotton gunny sack realizing that I fit NO demographic.

Is it so wrong that I want to wear something that's comfy at night, breathes, and still doesn't look like a housecoat/mu mu? I want it to be age appropriate and cute. Feminine while still comfy. I'm a size 14/16...too small for the big stores and too big for the small stores. I HATE THIS SIZE.

I ended up buying several nightshirts that were a bit too big because I just didn't want to deal with it any more. Fine, Lane Bryant. YOU WIN. You have me back as a customer. I'll just try to shrink the heck out of these nightshirts.

The whole way home, I was HATING myself. I started chastising myself for every cookie, treat, chip, or pasta serving I had this past week that contributed to my gain of three pounds.

I started doubting my healthy eating plan of eating when you're hungry and not eating when you're not hungry. I started remembering all the times this past week when I didn't follow the eating plan. I started feeling guilty. I started second guessing myself. I told myself that maybe I should just eat a salad for dinner.

By the end of the night, having eaten the leftovers that I wanted to eat and watching someone win $250K (who was wearing the ugliest belt buckle I've seen), I had a better perspective.

If I stop my eating plan now and go back to counting points, I'm giving up. Maybe it's hormonal, but my body is wanting richer foods these days. Last week was a hard week emotionally...and because of it, I ate when I wasn't hungry. Eating when you're not hungry isn't horrible, but when you're eating "real" food - stuff that is decadent and made with real cream, etc. - when you're not hungry makes it easy to pack on the pounds.

I'm no longer sporting my belt at notch three. I'm no longer down 55 pounds AGAIN. And in our bedroom, there is a bag slightly full of nightclothes that I don't want to have to wear.

Honestly, it sucks.

BUT I know that by sticking with this plan and listening to my body WILL get me back to wearing a notch three.

I will be able to buy the nightclothes I want soon.

Now is not the time for giving up. It's the time for re-dedicating myself to being kind to me. It's time to listen to myself and to not only WANT to be healthier, but to actually BE healthier.

And for the love of all that's holy, I will find out what the deal with the strawberries are.


*Fun Pants: basically lounge/pajama pants. See also: http://happyfunpants.blogspot.com/2005/12/whats-in-name.html