Do you mind?

I decided to enroll in a workshop this weekend at the last minute. The workshop was entitled "Mindful Yoga - Mindful Eating" and it was really great.

The workshop was four hours and in that time period we did what the instructor called some "light yoga" (which I guess was a nice way to say about 20 minutes of yoga) and then heavy talking (which is to say pretty much the rest of the class was about talking and listening).

The idea of the workshop was to be more mindful about many actions in your life - one of which should be eating. There was a lot of conversation about our relationships with food and at one point it became clear that the leader of the class, who was a trained nutritionist, thought that diets were a bunch of hooey. Instead, she taught us that being mindful eaters should involve a bond with the food to ourselves. When being more mindful about (and when) the food we eat, we can figure out if we're eating because we're hungry or if it's something else.

Not a new concept.

But she took it further and asked us to try eating when we really were hungry. She asked us to eat the foods we (at our core) wanted to eat. And she coached us to stop when we were satisfied.

So yesterday, about 4 inches into my Subway sandwich, I stopped eating and threw the rest away. I was satisfied so there was no need to continue to eat just because it was there and was a usual portion size.

And today, I decided to grab my lunch at 11:45 because that's when my body was hungry - I didn't wait for my normal 12 (or in my case 1 because I want to spend my lunch hour running errands).

To me, this makes perfect and intuitive sense. It's one more step in the whole process of trusting myself more.

Why am I looking to anyone or anything (Weight Watchers included) to tell me what I can or cannot have? Why am I going hungry some nights just because I ran out of points for that day?

I caught up on everyone's blogs this morning and I read through one of MizFit's posts where she decided to not run a full marathon but instead run a half - because the full would be too much cardio for her. I loved that line - it means that this wonderfully fit woman (seriously, I'm guessing about 0.1% body fat on her from the pictures) knows her own body enough to say "no." She trusts and loves herself enough to do what is right FOR HER.

So I want to do the same for me. Am I giving myself permission to go off the deep end and eat high fatty foods all the time? No. Because that wouldn't be good for me either. But I want to arrive at a place where I eat when I'm hungry. I want to eat the foods that I know my body needs because I honor it. I want to not deprive myself or my body.

I want to listen to my body. I want to listen to my spirit. I want to stop thinking of foods as good or bad. I want to stop thinking of my journey divided into on the wagon or off the wagon. I want to stop judging myself and my actions. I want to move learn the lessons of what to eat because I'm listenting intuitively to my body.

I want to start beind mindful to myself...and being kind to my body.

This comes on the heels of reading Pema Chodron's book "Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears." I'm still reading the book, but to me, it just makes sense - it's an intuitive approach of how to handle our own emotions when they rise up. She writes about our own choice to repeat the same habits as we have been or to have the mindfulness and presence to catch it when it starts to happen. If we don't get caught up in the emotions right away, we can empower ourselves to stop, breathe, and let our own intuitive knowledge shine through.

And that's what I plan on doing: Trusting myself, loving myself, and being mindful. When I trust myself more - even (or especially?) about food - I'm teaching myself that I can be trusted to survive any situation. I can trust myself to come up with a great answer to a problem and can know that it will all be okay. Trusting myself doesn't mean I have to be perfect, on the wagon, good, or the best at anything. Instead, it means that I can just BE me - and that is enough.

In a good binge from years past, I could never eat enough. I would be SO uncomfortable - my body literally bursting with pain and I would still eat. I couldn't get enough. I certainly couldn't eat it fast enough.

So maybe, just maybe, as I start to trust that I am enough, I will be able to have finally eaten enough.

One step forward, two steps back

Monday I went to my Weight Watchers meeting as planned. I talked with my leader about what I wanted and what I needed. I explained to her that I wanted to focus on mindful eating rather than getting caught up in and obsessed with the numbers - either points values for food or my actual weight.

I explained to her that it was important to me to try the mindful eating approach. I told her that I didn't want to be calculating points for the rest of my life. I told her I wanted my life back. I told her that I might gain weight over the short run but that I was confident that I would lose it eventually. I wanted to try this right now.

She heard me out and was supportive. I exhaled a sigh of relief.

Then I got on the scale.

I was down 2.8 pounds from when I weighed in almost a month before.

I was happy - this healthy mindfulness seems to work! I had been mindful all weekend - eating what it took to feel satisfied but no more. I REALLY scanned my body for hunger signals before eating...and when I felt hunger, I ate what I was wanting. Sometimes my body wanted carrots, sometimes it wanted cheese, sometimes it wanted fruit, and sometimes it wanted protein (so I had a hard boiled egg).

This week started with a mindful breakfast and a tuna fish sandwich that I had for lunch on Monday. Halfway through, I realized I wasn't hungry and didn't finish it. I mindfully consumed breakfasts and lunches on Tuesday and Wednesday.

But last night? I ate. A lot. To be fair, I fixed dinner* after I shopped for the ingredients...so we didn't even eat until 8:30 - and I know from experience that that's too late for me to eat because I'm ravenous by then. But I kept eating. I didn't stop halfway through to see if I was still hungry. I just kept eating. I went to bed full.

This morning, I looked in the fridge to see what I would eat for lunch and was saddened to see that I still had blueberries and blackberries from almost two weeks ago. They are on the verge of going bad. I felt like I should eat them. So even though I wasn't hungry, I ate them this morning with a sausage biscuit that I stopped off to get on the way in to work.

And today for lunch? I ate my whole lunch and didn't pause halfway through like I have been trying to do. In fact, when I started eating, I wasn't even hungry.

I'm reading a book called "Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating" by Geneen Roth and it's fantastic so far. In it, she coaches her eaters readers to eat until they are satisfied - eating what their body actually wants. She states that if you're eating when you're not hungry it'll be next to impossible to tell when to stop. Because if you're eating without a trigger in the first place, it'll be hard to figure out when the trigger is no longer...well...triggered. I think in the next chapter she writes about how to stop eating when they need to. Obviously not only have I not gotten to that part yet, but the concept seems simple.

So now, as I'm writing this, I'm full AGAIN - for the third meal in a row. And I'm disappointed with myself. Katy wrote today about her inner b!tch saying mean things to herself. I'm echoing her thoughts I guess - although not about my size.

My voice is telling me that if I can't even do this for a few days in a row, what kind of hope do I have for succeeding in the long run? My voice is telling me that this is a stupid thing - to go off the points/weight grid mentality. My voice is telling me that this mindfulness won't work. I'm tempted to count up all of the points I've consumed today to try to figure out if I can switch to counting points for the rest of the day - so I can feel some semblance of control.

And that makes me sad too.

So, instead of counting up the points, I'm going to try to stay present with my feeling of fullness. I'm going to try to be mindful of how I feel right now...bloated, full, and a bit lethargic.

I'm coaching myself to believe what I preach - that this is not the end of the world. I'm trying to put it in perspective.

I'm encouraging myself to be mindful at dinner.

I'm reminding myself that if I've lived 32 years by eating to soothe and on auto-pilot, it will take longer than a few days to NOT eat on auto-pilot when I actually try to put it into rigorous practice. But I will be successful, ultimately.

And maybe - hopefully - I'll actually believe it today.


*Which really, this should be a celebration all it's own. I hardly ever cook...but I decided that cooking ONE meal a week would be a great start. Last night, I made lasagna and it was SO good! I'm starting to figure out the simple pleasure of preparing an actual meal from start to finish, enjoying a meal that I made, and watching Joe enjoy it too. It was a wonderful feeling and I can't wait to try out a new recipe this next week.

Vulnerability

This past weekend, I enjoyed another Mindful Yoga/Mindful Eating classes.  I first started going in February and have only missed one class - which was the weekend that Joe and I celebrated our anniversary in Steamboat with a 10 1/2 mile hike.

I love these classes.  There is a lot of discussion about how we can all be more mindful about food and our eating; about how we can have a more harmonious relationship with food.  There is some really gentle yoga (it's gotten more passive/gentle as the months go on) and then there is a mindful eating exercise...which basically means that we sit around in a circle, chewing the food slowly and trying to taste every morsel that should be tasted.

I love these classes.

We're also talking a lot about Geneen Roth's book "Women, Food, and God."  If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend that you do.

There are several things that have struck me as profound - and I'll share some in the weeks to come.

This past week, Erica, our leader talked about Geneen's chapter titled: Never Underestimate the Inclination to Bolt (which is actually a quote by Pema Chodron).  And in this chapter, she talks about how bolting - by vegging out via TV, binge eating, drinking, or even checking out mentally is a way to avoid our lives.

Geneen writes about how she tells the people that come to her retreat and might want to bolt:

      I tell them that if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard.  When we don't want to notice what is going on.  Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be.  I tell them that ending the obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment.  To not leave themselves.  I tell them that they don't have to make a choice between losing weight and doing this.  Weight loss is the easy part; anytime you truly listen to your hunger and fullness, you lose weight.  But I also tell them that compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive.  No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul.  We refuse to take in what sustains us.  We live lives of deprivation.  And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge.  The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting- of leaving ourselves - hundreds of times a day. 
      But that doesn't touch the sudden realization - and the subsequent panic - that they really don't want to sit in the center of their own lives.  It's one thing to say you want to stop using food to numb yourself.  To be miserable about the size of your body.  To feel as if you are killing yourself with double cheeseburgers and fries.  But slowing down, asking yourself what is actually going on when you want to eat when you aren't hungry, watching how you inhale three muffins before you even realize you're eating - that's going to far.  There is something about accepting the unpredictable fragility of this life that is just too much.  So the very minute they begin feeling or sensing or thinking something that is uncomfortable, they want to get out of Dodge. (emphasis mine)

Wow.  To me, that's profound. 

Last week, I started asking myself if this whole mindful eating thing could actually work.  Sure, Geneen says it's possible.  So does my therapist.  But the harder I try, the more elusive it feels.

How could I be successful with this long term?

I felt like a rat in a maze - and I was SO tempted to go back to the points system via Weight Watchers.  At least that was something that I knew...something that has worked for thousands of peoples.  I know because I see commercials.  I read your blogs.

But this weekend, after Erica read the excerpt above, I remembered that my problem isn't about food or portions.  It's about how sometimes I want to leave my life SO badly, I'll do anything to check out.

To me, it's about vulnerability.  Sometimes, I'm so scared of what The Voice* will say when I'm quiet.  When I'm sad, I'm afraid I won't be heard and that I won't be understood.  When Joe and I argue, I'm afraid he'll leave.  When I think about getting a puppy or a cat, I'm afraid of it dying.  When I make a new friend, I'm sometimes afraid of her turning on me.

When I post something significant to me, I'm afraid of the negative feedback I get.  I'm afraid I'll lose more followers.  I'm afraid I'll disappoint you.

But really, I'm not afraid of vulnerability...I'm afraid of being afraid of vulnerability.  In other words, when all the negative things that make up The Voice start combining and I know I'm going to hear awful things about me, I bolt.  When The Voice just opens it's mouth, I check out and run.  I don't even want to hear what it has to say - what if what it says is so horrible I can't go on?

This past weekend, after the yoga class, Joe and I got into a fight - about women's clothing of all things.  He got SO frustrated...and I couldn't understand why clothing that he had no intentions of wearing was making him so upset.  The more I tried to understand, the more frustrated he became and it culminated in us raising our voices, which is very atypical.

He went to go take a shower, and I felt so sad.  I actually thought about binge eating while he was in the shower.

But instead I stopped.  I shut the door to the bedroom and I cried.  I decided to practice listening to The Voice.

So I did.  The Voice said this:
"You are a horrible girlfriend.  You could tell that he was getting frustrated, but you kept pushing!  Why would you do that?  You're just like your mother...always nagging.  Didn't your dad tell you that men don't like nagging women?  He's going to leave.  You know that, right?  He's going to come out of that shower and say that this isn't working and that he wants you to move out.  Just like your dad did.  What will you do then?  You'll be all alone.  Just goes to show you shouldn't trust anyone.  And who are you going to find who will love your fat self?  No one.  You are a failure."

Whew.

So I heard her out.  And after a while, The Voice didn't have anything original to say.  In fact, The Voice has been saying those same things my whole life.  How did I not realize that until now?

And they aren't true.  If my relationship with Joe ends, then it ends.  Life goes on.  I'm not a horrible girlfriend.  I'm thoughtful, considerate, giving, and compassionate.  I don't always nag.  I was trying to understand why he was so frustrated - it wasn't nagging.  I *can* trust people.  And as for who will love my fat self?  Well, I think it's about time that I do.

And just like that, The Voice lost it's power.  I stood up, wiped the tears from my eyes, and got some water.  I waited until Joe got out of the shower and I calmly explained why I was pushing so hard for an answer - I wanted to understand him.  He apologized for getting so frustrated.  I explained that sometimes I feel like a bad girlfriend when we fight.  He said that all couples argue.  I said I was worried that this might make me a bad wife.  He said that my thoughtfulness, compassionate, and willingness to try again will make me an excellent wife.  I explained that I love him - and that out of all the people in the world I wanted to fight with, he would be last on that list.  He said the same about me.

This weekend, I had the courage to stay, to not bolt or check out when my life seemed scary.  I stood up for myself.  Even though I was vulnerable.  Even though I was scared.  Even though I felt bad for myself.

Like any good episodic movie/TV series, I know that I will have to face The Voice again and again.  But by facing it when I was most vulnerable and defeating it, gives me hope that I can do so again and again.


*No.  I'm not schizophrenic.  The Voice is basically my own self negative thoughts that I really do think - a mixture of parents or parental figures throughout the years that have told me I wasn't good enough - and that I should be better.

Second verse, same as the first...

Want a happy fun post?  Then skip this one.  No really.  Maybe the regular me will be back tomorrow...but what you get today?  Broken Down Fun Pants.

I'm eating too much; eating past the point of being no longer hungry.

I'm aware.

But I'm doing it anyway.

I try to think to myself: "What are you feeling?"  But that's so obscure.  The answer that comes back is, "I feel....like I want those cherries" or salad or almonds or....ANYTHING that I was about to eat.

I don't get it. 

I have great days that are "on plan" (on plan being days that I follow mindful eating practices/guidelines) and then days where I'm just NOT.

Mindful eating?  Give me a break.  Sometimes my mind is SUCH in another place that it's not like I'm even in the room with myself when I'm eating.  To clarify, I'm not binge eating.  But I am eating when I'm not hungry.

I don't want restrictions.  I don't want to worry all the time about my carbs, calories, points, or grams of protein.  I don't want limits and I don't want rules.  Also I want a pony.

Alright, I added that last one because I get it...I'm sounding whiny. And I'm being unrealistic.  I know.

The thing is, THAT is the circle that I'm trapped in.

Step 1: Realize you're hungry.
Step 2: Eat something.
Step 3: Realize you're still eating even though you're no longer hungry.
Step 4: Stop.  My "wise self" asks my "inner self"  WHAT she's feeling.
Step 5: My inner self shrugs and says something profound like, "I dunno."
Step 6: My wise self flips through her "How to be a Wise Self Instruction Manual" and can't find what to do in this situation...
Step 7: Inner self says something like, "I don't want to have rules right now.  Isn't that what this whole thing is about?  No rules?  So let's just eat now and figure it out later."
Step 8: Wise self and inner self eat together.
Step 9: NOM NOM NOM NOM

Ugh.

The cycle gets harder to break each time I allow myself to keep eating.  Whatever this uncomfortable feeling is that is prompting me to eat is being reinforced by my eating when I'm not hungry.

My secret that I don't want to tell you?  Pants are getting tighter.  So yes, I can avoid the scale, but the inches are creeping back on - albeit slowly.  I'm not up in my size of clothing or anything, but I KNOW that I'm bigger.  I'm just aware that I'm not the same size as I used to be. I can't explain it other than to say I am tangibly bigger. I just know it.

The harsh reality is that I'm slacking.  And I can't seem to find the motivation to not continue to slack.  Are rules of mindful eating too namby pamby?  Maybe.

As much as I'm want to say "My body just KNOWS what to do when I listen to it" and believe it, I think that I'm having a hard time re-listening to what my body knows to do.

So how do I listen to it again?  I mean, really? 

It's tough because not many of us are practicing this mindful eating approach.  And my two decades of dieting are telling me that this is proof that I can't trust myself and that I should just restrict again.  The thing is, I know I can do that (restrict, start counting calories, carbs or points) and the pounds WILL come off. 

But I want to break that cycle...the cycle of restricting because I'm upset about weight gain.  And then, when I'm smaller again, coming face first to this place - of having to question the WHY of it all again.  I know that restricting (and then losing weight) will mean that I'm fixing the symptoms without CURING the disease. 

And for the love of all that's holy, I want the disease to be cured.  I want to STOP worrying or thinking so much about eating (or not eating).  It's like if I were a sex addict, I would consider castration.  I mean, really.  I want the urge to control, count, weight, judge, or measure GONE.  I want everything associated with dieting to go away.

Now, instead of obsessing about points, calories, scales, weights, measures, or grams of anything I'm obsessing about WHY I want to eat.  I feel crazy because I eat and I don't know WHY. If I know why I can fix it, but I really don't know why. And believe me, I'm asking myself WHY.


So, the irony is that I'm still thinking of food and thinking about eating just as much as I was before.  The weeks when I first started were almost effortless.  The swarming thoughts about food and all of the ways to control it were gone. 

I want that back; the clarity.


I'm frustrated.  I'm weary.  And right now, I'm tired of writing about it. 

It's like I need to be re-booted from this cycle...but I can't find my reset button.

Any ideas or suggestions are VERY welcome... with one caveat - please, be gentle. 

The art of actually trying...

Alright, I'm coming clean.  I'm REALLY unhappy with my body these days.

As in, I've gained weight AND inches and I'm really unhappy with how I look in the mirror and reflections of store front windows.  My skin feels almost as tight as the clothes I'm wearing.

What's more, with this new job (!) that I'm taking on, I need to buy dress clothes for every day wear (I currently wear jeans and a nicer top) and that means that I have to go to Lane Bryant or the likes for my clothes needs.  Because dress pants at the Gap (which top out at 16) no longer fit.

Awesome.

I've found myself thinking about going all protein, no carb because I know I drop weight quickly on that.  I've wondered about doing Medifast (since Lyn has had so much success).  I've even thought a lot of a lot about going back to Weight Watchers - since I lost 56 pounds doing their old program. 

But then I realized that I'm not even TRYING to do intuitive eating any more.  I'm just eating.  I'm not planning, not thinking, not trying to cut some calories, and I'm eating when I'm not hungry.  Uhhh...so basically, I'm not doing anything about my eating.

So while I may actually try WW again (since the new PointsPlus actually sounds like it encompasses intuitive eating guidelines more than ever), I'm not going to do that now.

I figure if I'm even thinking about paying $10 per week for a program, I should first take a look at what I'm eating/drinking and why.  First, I should actually TRY the lifestyle that I want to be successful at.

So I'm promising myself to eat when I'm hungry, but to stop when I'm no longer hungry.  No points, no judgement on what I'm eating.  Just that - eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satisfied.  For at least a week.  And next Tuesday, if I'm still gaining weight like a champ, I can re-evaluate from there.

When I actually DO mindful eating, I lose weight.  When I listen to my body's signals of hunger and satiety, I choose foods that are good to me, not just because they're lower in points, calories, or carbs.

I'm coming to the realization that I may need the structure of a standardized program for now.  And I'm vowing to have a firm plan by the end of this month - whether to continue what I'm doing or to do a different plan.

But for this week, I'm going to work hard at practicing intuitive/mindful eating.  I know it can work...just like I know WW can work.  I just need to actually DO the work.

Things that are going to help me? 

1. I've been taking pictures of my food before I eat/drink it.  That gives me a chance to stop and ask myself how hungry I actually am before ingesting it. 

2.  I'm going to stop my eating or drinking at 1/4, 1/2, and 3/4 of the way through to ask myself if I'm still hungry or not.  This morning, I woke up with a starving tummy.  So I made a smoothie with protein powder, spinach, and milk.  I only drank about a third of it - because what I had eaten/drank was enough to make me feel satisfied.  Even though I hate wasting things, I figured it'll go to my waist if I drink it all...so I might as well waste it.

3.  I'm going to brush my teeth after each meal.  I'm realizing that I'm snacking when not hungry because it's there or because I can.  But eating with freshly brushed teeth tastes kind of nasty.  Brushing my teeth will help me be mindful of if I'm really hungry or not.  Because if I am, I'll forgo the bad taste to get some fuel.  If I'm eating just to eat, I'm finding that I don't eat because I know I won't like the taste.

4.  More water.  I know I'm only getting in about a liter of water a day.  For someone that used to drink almost a gallon, this is quite a drop off.  I feel better when I drink more water - and I realize that sometimes I'm not actually hungry, I'm thirsty.  This will help me differentiate between the two.

And that's it.  This week, I'm promising to be more mindful about what I put in my body. 

I owe it to myself.

Starting weight?  Let's just say it's higher than where I've been for almost 2 years.  UGH.

I'm not sure what this means

This past week I lost 2.2 pounds - without really trying. I mean, I'm not really tracking...and to be honest, I splurged quite a bit. Or at least, I felt like I did.

I guess that's the bad thing about not tracking...when you lose or gain weight, you don't really know why.

Basically, I tried to stick to healthy eating principles. I tried to stick to making sure to monitor when my body was hungry or full. And I guess I can take the loss as a way of saying that even when I'm not tracking, as long as I'm mindful, I will be successful.

On one hand, I'm super happy to be down unexpectedly. I'm closer to the halfway point again and I am going to be so glad whenever it is that I move past the 55.6 mark.

On the other hand, I'm a little weirded out. Because I have to be honest, I'm not really sure that this week wasn't just a fluke. I know that last Monday I ate a bit more before the meeting. I'm tempted to think that I didn't earn this weight loss in my heart.

But then I remember that I DID earn it. Even if I just weighed heavier last week, then that means that I earned it last week without really being aware of it.

Going forward, I don't want to get cocky and put it on auto-pilot without being mindful. I need to take faith in knowing that the last three weeks is indicative of me maybe knowing what I'm doing when I don't think as hard about it - and when I don't analyze things too much.

So I'm going to stay the course. I'm going to be steady. I'm going to concentrate on health - mind, body, and spirit. And I'm going to remember that it's just one week. It's not a big deal at all. Yup, mindful, but not overly analytical - that's my goal for this week.

Repeat after me: "I love my weight."

One of the gifts that I specifically asked for for my birthday was Louise Hay's Healthy Body Cards.

I first saw them at the "Mindful Yoga - Mindful Eating" class that I attended back in February (I blogged about it here). Each participant took turns reading the front and the back sides of the cards while in a yoga pose...and then we took a few tries at other yoga poses while thinking about what was on the card.

I loved that concept - that I could concentrate on a part of my body or an aspect of my body and honor it. Each part of me wants to be taken care of and it serves a purpose. The parts work together to make my body do things it's always wanted to.

I loved the idea of waking up in the morning, reading the card, and then thinking about what that meant to me while showering. I asked my mom for these cards and was thrilled to start using them on the day after my birthday.

So far, it's been a great way to start the day being mindful about my body. It's been a great way to think about how I can show myself more love. Even when I feel unloveable, how can I hate my spleen? It sounds silly, when I put it that way...so I've decided that on days when I feel unloveable, I can celebrate my own parts and at least work to honor them.

Today's card was this:

It reads: "I am the perfect weight for myself at this moment. Yet I have the ability to change my weight if I desire. I am free."

The back of the card simply reads:


"I love my weight."

It's the last line on the front of the card that gets me: I AM FREE.

And we are free - free to make our own choices, free to love our bodies, and free to celebrate in them.

More importantly, we don't need this weight to protect us from whatever feelings or actions we've been afraid of. The extra weight I have? It's what I've had most of my adult life...it represents a lot of pain, a lot of hurt, and a lot of abuse - both from other people and myself.

The beauty of life is that, barring any medical conflict, we can let this weight - and all it symbolizes - go.

We are, quite simply, free.

Intuitive Eater's Holiday Bill of Rights (part 1)

Last weekend, I went to another Mindful Eating/Mindful Body class here in Denver.  I've written about them before, but this group was one of the first ways that I was introduced to the idea and concept of mindful/intuitive eating.

Due to the timing of the workshop, the topic of how to eat over the holidays came up.

Are there rules to what you'll "allow" yourself to eat?

Are there guilt trips that you put on yourself when you "eat the wrong thing?"

Lastly, when was the last time that you truly had whatever you wanted - and didn't beat yourself up or negotiate anything?

The kind of holiday celebration I want to enjoy is one where I am in tune with my body.  When I'm in tune with it, I'm able to eat what I truly am hungry for - even if it's carrots and green beans.  And I can pass up the items that I'm not craving - even if they're cookies that look delicious.

I find that when I act on my true cravings, I'm able to feel completely satisfied and fulfilled.

At the workshop last weekend, we were given a list of basic rights that *everyone* should be allowed  - called the Intuitive Eater's Holiday Bill of Rights - by Evelyn Tribole.

The first? 

You have the right to savor your meal, without cajoling or judgment, and without discussion of calories eaten or the amount of exercise needed to burn off said calories.

To me, that's a powerful right.

I think oftentimes, women get into this calorie discussion because it's an approved topic.  Kind of like the weather, or small talk about what you do for a living.  It's a universal topic that brings people together.

And isn't that silly?  Rather than truly savoring the treat that is in front of us, rather than giving thanks for all the hands that it took to get this meal to it scrumptious state, and rather than enjoying each ingredient, we waste those moments by feeling guilty or feeling dread for the amount of exercise that it will take to "be good again."

If you're like me, it feels great to have not a rule to follow, but a right to be allowed.

I don't have to join in the discussion of how "bad" I'm being or how "bad" the food is.  I can enjoy as much as I want of whatever I want - without having to feel bad, to be judged, or having to confess what I'm going to do to work off the choices I made.

Sounds too good to be true, doesn't it?

The trick is, in my opinion, is to be in tune with myself enough so that if I don't want parts of my meal, I don't eat it.

For instance, when I was a kid, I loved Alfredo sauce.  What's not to love?  It's creamy, buttery, and not marinara sauce (which, in general, I'm not a huge fan of).  But then I began my DIET which lasted 20 or so years and it was bye bye cream sauces!

Recently, I ordered some pasta dish with Alfredo sauce because it sounded totally scrumptious.  Know what?  It wasn't.  It didn't taste as great as I remembered - or maybe it was just too rich for what I wanted right then.

All I know is that a year ago, had I ordered it, I would've eaten it all up - after all, I ordered it and I might as well indulge when I could!  When was the next chance I would have the courage to order cream sauce?  This time, I didn't.  I ate the other items on my plate and scraped off as much of the sauce as I wanted to so that I enjoyed the meal.

Maybe I don't actually LIKE Alfredo sauce any more.  Maybe I just don't like pasta.  Whatever it is, I know that if I want to try any sauce again, I can.  I'll have another chance - so it's okay to pass up what I don't really want right now.  I can always have it when I *do* want it.

Eat the meal you want.  Eat what you truly want.  If that's carrots and celery sticks, great!  If it's a rich food, that's okay too...because if you're really tuning in to what your body needs and wants you won't always want the rich foods.  You won't always fill up on cookies. 

When you take away the label of "forbidden" on foods, it's amazing how much less I actually want them.

And it's freeing to realize that I can enjoy - truly enjoy - the food that I'm eating.  I can focus on that, on the gratitude that I have for all of the steps that it took to make it, and on how full I am at the moment.  I don't need to be judged by anyone else...OR by myself.

No matter what your eating plan is, you have the right to eat the way you want - all carbs, no carbs, no fat, all grapefruit.  Whatever your plan is, you have the right to enjoy your holiday however you want.  No excuses, no explaining, and no trying to convince others that it's the right way.

You have the right to eat the way you want to.

A liberating thought, no?

Beautiful Blogger Award & Seven Things You Didn't Know About Me

I don't know about you, but one of the hardest compliments (and yet, one of my favorites) for me to receive is when someone says that I'm beautiful. I can think of about 15 things in a minute that I don't like about myself, so when Margie over at My Healthy Living Thru Weight Control gave me the Beautiful Blogger award I was both thrilled and amazed.

She gave me that award on January 20th of this year. So you know, I'm just a little over 4 months late.


This award is apparently given in sevens:

1) Project Look Good Naked - This first blogger is relatively new to the blogger side of things...but the courage that she has shown by blogging about very real issues in her life makes her truly beautiful to me. I love reading her blog. Because she also lives in Denver, I was lucky enough to find out that she's smart, sarcastic, and sweet in real life. And holy moly her eyes are to die for!

2) Thufferin' Thuccotash - This blogger is one great lady and one that I've been lucky enough to have bonded with - even if it's over a few states. She's survived cancer, lymphedema, and her husband dying. If you want to find strength, read her blog. Plus, her humor is FANTASTIC. :)

3) Scribbing In The Margin - I can't say enough about this other IRL friend. She is such a wonderfully giving person. She recently elected to have Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) and is blogging through her reaching milestones (hello! She just lost 100 pounds!) and some struggles that she's encountered along the way. Her effervescent humor and ability to keep it real at the same time are things that I really enjoy.

4) 1/2 an Amy - An old college friend who is discovering herself and all the things that she can accomplish. Recently divorced and realizing that she is truly one fantastic and strong lady.

5) Becoming an Ex Yo-Yo Dieter - This blogger is seriously beautiful. I haven't been following her for a long time, but her perseverance to do the things that we all know she can do is absolutely beautiful to me. Her insight into herself makes her successful - no matter what her weight.

6) Believe in Yourself - This blogger is a new one to me, but I really think that it's great that she's finding out that she can do great things - not only by herself but with the help of others.

7) The Pursuit of Healthyness - Last but not least, this blogger is one who is doing the same thing I am - trying to be healthier mind, body, and spirit. She has the courage to look inside herself to realize what it is that she wants to do to get to where she wants to go. I love that she's trying to be more mindful about her own life and trying to figure out why she struggles with the stuff she does. I can't believe she doesn't have more followers - I really love her writing.

And now, seven things you may not know about me:

1) I have a Slanket and I LOVE it. Seriously, I was that person that laughed at the commercials too (although in fairness, the commercials are for a Snuggie, not a Slanket - the Slanket is much better). It's the best invention in the world and although I'm semi-embarrassed of it, I wouldn't part with it willingly.

2) I'm the middle child of three girls. Growing up, we never even had a male animal. My dad was always outnumbered.

3) I love logic puzzles. You know, the things that say "Sam is taller than Phil, but not as tall as Pheobe who is 9 inches shorter than Zeke and half as tall as Bud" and then you have to rank them in order. I LOVE LOVE LOVE those things.

4) I hate beans. I wish I didn't because they're a great source of protein, nutrition and blah blah blah, but really, I just don't like them.

5) I love Converse shoes. Currently, I have a pink pair that I'm really enjoying a lot. Even though I may be too old to wear them (or too uncool or too...well...anything) they make me happy.

6) I have a GIANT dog at home. Her name is Chassis and she is almost the tallest dog in the world. The tallest dog, according to Guinness, is 43 inches tall from his shoulders to the floor. My dog? 42 inches tall (measured in the same way). She turns five on Tuesday. :)

7) I wear funky socks. If I can, I wear socks with stripes, dots, argyle prints, or some other random pattern on them. The only time I don't wear socks like these are when I'm running (because then I wear good running socks). No one usually ever sees them and they always match the color shirt that I'm wearing, but I wearing them makes me feel like I'm funky, fresh, hip, fly, or whatever the kids are saying these days.

Eesh. That took longer than I thought... Well, I'm off to another mindful eating/mindful yoga class, so I'll have to post the two other awards posts later.

Stopping and inquiring



(source)

 Yesterday I wrote about stopping while eating and evaluating whether you actually want to continue.

And today, I want to expound that thought...
Sure, eating sumptuous and delicious foods all the time *sounds* good, but how can I do that *and* lose weight?

After all, isn't that what sounds so unbelievable on the intuitive eating/carte blanche plan?

So maybe it's not about indulging in every way... it's about making choices that make sense.

Take this morning. I went to a bagel place just outside of our building. It's well documented on this blog that I LOOOOOVE bagels. Smear some cream cheese on a toasted bagel and I'll roll over in ecstasy. When I walked in the bagel joint, I knew that I *could* have anything on the menu. But I also knew that I really want to lose weight, to feel healthier, and to be fueled as much of the morning as I can.

Instead of ordering a warm gooey bagel that I knew would taste awesome, I ordered a 240 calorie bagel thin with egg whites, turkey sausage, and salsa.  It had complex carbs, good protein, and some fat to help me feel sustained.  It's 3 hours later and I'm still delightfully satisfied.

What happened there?  I think we can all agree that that was the "better" choice than the full fat, carb-loaded, and calorie-heavy bagel, but why?  And why do I feel like sometimes I can make that choice confidently and other times, I feel deprived when I make that choice?

THIS is exactly what I've been struggling with for the past few months in regards to intuitive eating.

Honestly? I've been struggling with the (sometimes) loosey-goosey approach of "eat whatever you want whenever you want and still lose weight" idea.  I know it CAN work.  But I know that sometimes, I crave the stuff that isn't going to get me closer to my goal of being smaller, thinner, and healthier.

So what do I do then?

My therapist tells me that the step I should take then is to ask *why* I want the stuff that I know isn't going to get me closer to my goal.

Well, sure, if I had all the time in the world, I could probably practice analyzing every moment before food passes my lips.  But gosh, sometimes I don't know why I want something. 

In those times, here is all I really know:
* I want the ooey-gooey whatever it is to be in my mouth NOW
* I want to not feel restricted
* I know that when I feel like I'm on a diet, I feel like rebelling
* I know that if I eat only the stuff that tastes awesome, it's going to take a whole lot of concentration around every bite to stop when I'm no longer hungry
* I know that if I'm distracted in almost any way, I don't stop when I need to
* I know that when I eat "too much" of something that is high caloric, I gain weight

So yes, in an ideal world, I'd be able to be mindful about every bite and every step in the process.  But I don't live in an ideal world. 

Moreover, sometimes I don't have the emotional fortitude or patience to figure out *why* I'm eating whatever I'm eating *every* time.   Sometimes I honestly just don't know.

And in those moments, I feel paralyzed.  Should I honor what I really am craving even though I know it's not good for me?  Should I restrict?  If I do, will I resent myself and this process later? 

All of the sudden, what seems like it should be a simple process has my mind spinning.  I feel more anxious (although I don't know why) and feel more lost.  I feel confused and mistrustful of myself and the process.

And that?  Well, that doesn't feel good either.  So basically, my whole plan to make me feel more in tune with my body sometimes leaves me feeling confused, mistrustful, and bewildered.  AND my pants are tighter.

Uhhh...not exactly a winning outcome.

But people succeed at mindful eating.  HOW?  What am I doing wrong?  Is it me or is it the process that is broken?

I want it to work SO badly.  I want to be thinner and healthier.  That led me to being more inquisitive about what I could to, with the focus being on health (mind, body, and spirit) to help me achieve my goals.  It led me to ask myself, honestly, where is this marriage between mindfulness and me falling short?

I think I figured it out.  I *am* being mindful when I stop and ask myself what really sounds awesome.  At the counter of the bagel shop, what sounds the best is the gooey bagel slathered with cream cheese.  If I ate it mindfully, I'd savor each bite, eating it slowly.  But honestly, if I did that, I'd probably stop 1/4 or half way through the meal because I'd be satisfied. 

But the thing is, I usually don't eat mindfully.  Sure, I ORDER mindfully, but I don't eat it mindfully because life happens.  So in the bagel situation, I order the bagel with cream cheese mindfully, but then because I'm not eating mindfully, I end up eating the whole thing.  Which means, TADA! I've just gotten further away from my goals, my pants are tighter, and I'm questioning what the hell I'm doing anyway.

So what to do?

I think I've got a good game-plan - or at least a good rough draft of what that process can look like.

1. Ask myself if I'm hungry. I'm pretty good at this step.
2. If I am, ask myself if I want to eat primarily for pleasure or for fuel.
3. If I'm primarily eating for fuel, I make the "best" choice for myself.  Something with a lot of nutrients, veggies, fiber, or protein - whatever it is that will meet the strain that my body will feel in the next few hours or day.  This means, I choose steamed veggies, not sauteed.  It means that I hold the mayo.  It means I limit sugar.
3. If I want to eat primarily for pleasure, I need to ask myself if I have the time to actually donate to eating mindfully. 
4. If I don't, then I need to choose to eat for fuel reasons at that moment - and then re-evaluate my meal choices at the next time I'm hungry.

To me, that's HUGE!

This means that in the morning, when I'm hungry, I give myself permission to eat whatever I want (for pleasure)...but only if I can actually (gasp!) ENJOY it to the fullest extent.  Usually, that isn't the case...so that means that usually I need to choose fuel-friendly options over what would taste the most awesome.

And really, isn't that what happened this morning?  I only had a few minutes to grab something...and I needed to eat it on my way to work.  I know that on the way to work, I'll be distracted by other drivers, the radio, the fact that I'm running late or something else.

So in those situations, if I order the heavier option, I'm setting myself up for not really tasting my food and for putting lots of unwanted calories in my body.  Because in situations where I'm completely distracted, almost anything will do.  Why not make the choice that will lead me to my ultimate goal - being smaller and more healthy?

Taking it a step further... if I'm at a bar or hanging out with friends and someone asks me if I want a drink, I'll ask myself if I'll really be tasting it or if I'm going to be so focused on other things that I won't even notice it.  If I'm going to be focused on drinking something that is absolutely fabulous, great.  If not, perhaps a Bud Light or (GASP!) water will do.

See the difference? 

It's no longer about restricting myself to drinking only Bud Light or only eating a bagel thin with egg whites. 

It's about being practical. 

It's about stopping and inquiring WHY I'm eating the food I'm eating.  It's about STOPPING before you order and thinking about what you really need - both physically (i.e. how hungry am I really?) and mentally (will what I order get me closer to or farther away from my goals that I have set up for myself?).


If I'm eating for fuel, then I might want to consider appraising the food in a fuel-based way.  In other words, if it's for fuel, I'm preparing my taste buds for something that may not taste the best, but is good for my body. I'm choosing to forgo cheese on my sandwich not because I *can't* have it, but because maybe because I recognize that I'm already going to get my calcium and protein in another way .  I'm also acknowledging at that point that I might be so distracted during the eating process that I wouldn't even taste the cheese anyway!

Making a "smarter" choice can happen intuitively because I recognize that the extra calories aren't going to get me closer to what will really make me feel good - a smaller size and a healthier body.

Maybe the fuel-friendly option is your go-to meal...something that you know the points, carbs, or calories of easily.  Something you know will nourish you and it's a no-brainer; something you don't have to stress about - either in the preparation or the consumption.

Now, that doesn't mean that I'll go out of my way to eat something that is disgusting just because it's healthy for me.  Life is too short for that mentality too.  But it means that I can choose the healthier option, the option that is going to fuel my body with the fiber, protein, or nutrients it needs over the one that is higher calorie, fat, or carb.  And let's face it, in this day and age, there are many opportunities to choose the more fuel-friendly choice.

If I'm eating primarily for pleasure, then I'll order or prepare something that really seems like it'll hit the spot. And when I take that first bite, if it's not something that tastes absolutely divine, I'm going to give myself permission to make something else.  Just like what I wrote about yesterday. 

In fact (and here is a big a-ha moment for me), if I notice that I'm always choosing fuel foods over pleasure foods AND start feeling resentful about it, maybe that's a warning sign.  It might indicate that it's becoming necessary to schedule in some "me time."  Time when I treat myself as a priority.  Even if that's getting something that tastes divine and savoring it by myself simply because I enjoy the taste of it and I'm worth enjoying tasty things.

To me, these steps make more sense.  They have some structure behind it.  They don't make me feel restricted or not worthy AND they still get me closer to my end goal of being healthier - mind, body, and spirit. 

In fact, if anything they make me feel better:
* I'm so important that I'm worth fueling my body with foods that will help it do what I want it to do.
* I'm so loved that I can have awesome tasting things.
* I'm worth slowing down and actually enjoying foods that taste delicious.
* I'm also worth taking care of.
* I'm worth realizing my potential and achieving my dreams.

If mindful eating can work (and I believe it can), perhaps it starts with knowing your own mind; knowing your own pitfalls, triggers, routines, and justifications.  And then developing a successful way to navigate around them.

I think I'm finally honing in on what will work for me - both for immediate and long term gratification.

And holy cow, I'm actually feeling something I haven't felt in a long time:  clear-headed and optimistic...what a welcome relief!

Note to self: Wednesday Edition

Dear Self:

Please remember how you felt last night when you went out to eat with your friend. You ate a small starter salad, 3 cheddar biscuits, your WHOLE entree' (which wasn't even that good), two sides of veggies, a glass of wine, and a baked cookie (with lava fudge inside) and ice cream.

YOU ATE ALL OF THAT.

You weren't mindful. You ate because it was there. You ate because you were hungry. But oh, how you ate.

Just remember that after you were done, you felt bloated, lethargic, and icky. Remember how you salivated when they brought out the biscuits. Remember feeling *that* out of control.

It's done. You ate it. It's not a big deal.

Just try to remember that next time when faced with gift certificates to a place that you don't even LIKE it's okay to not eat and order tons of stuff because you don't want the money to go to waste.

Practice being mindful. You like that so much better anyway.

Oh - and I'm glad you're going to go for a run today at lunch. It's the only pretty day all week and you're smart to take advantage of that.

Also? Your hair is pretty today. Good job on that.

Love,
You

This post falls into the "miscellaneous" category

First of all, I want to thank you all for your kind and sweet comments on my last post, where I talked about my body issues and how they're becoming less of a big deal in my life with Joe. I'm finding more and more that if I can harness and reign in my thoughts regarding my size, weight, and food, I'll be more successful. And, not to freak anyone out, but I'm thinking about cancelling my commitment to Weight Watchers. Don't get me wrong, it's a great plan...and I love my leader...I just need for the focus to be less on points and on the number on the scale and more about the issues/habits that are keeping me fat. I'm still noodling it over in my head and am trying to figure out what it is that I want to do. The great thing is that my leader is awesome and I'm pretty sure that if I come to her and ask her to tweak her questions a tad, that she will do just that.

In other news, I am officially moved out of my house! Assuming that nothing goes wrong tomorrow, I'll be closing on my place. Moving out of my house was definitely a struggle. Joe and I moved stuff (or drove the U-Haul) for 10 long hours IN THE RAIN on Saturday. We had a tough time getting all of my stuff in the truck on one trip, so we ended up having to make two trips. And I had only rented a 10 x 12 storage unit...so we had a lot of what felt like "furniture Tetris" to get it all in the right spots. In the end, everything fit. But OH! We are SO sore from moving stuff all day! I offered to treat us to a couples massage next weekend (preferably Sunday, after I run my first 5 mile race!). Joe bought me a house-warming present (even though I'm staying with him) that I'll be sure to write about in a post soon!

Eating wise, I'm really looking forward to being back on track this week. We went to Costco, as we normally do, and got non-fat greek yogurt and fresh fruit to mix it with. We stocked up on veggies and I bought the things to make my tuna fish salad. I'm excited for a more "normal" eating pattern and definitely looking forward to not eating out as much as I have been. I just don't feel as good when I'm eating out - even if I'm trying to eat healthfully. We have plenty of frozen items to eat throughout the week and I'm looking forward to not wasting the food that we already have.

Lastly, I bought a book that I've been wanting to read. It's called "Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life." I bought it because it's really in tune with what I've wanted to accomplish in my life - mindfulness when it comes to food. I'll let you know what I think.

I think those are all the thoughts in my head at the moment! I had intended to go running at lunch, but I forgot my armband and headphones at my new home so I'll run tonight instead.

Sticking with it

This past weekend, my younger sister and her fiance' flew into Denver for the annual Mile High Music Festival.

She and I have seen the Dave Matthews Band many times together, but this was the first where we brought our significant others.

We had a blast...I drank more than I typically do (which is to say that I drank SOME; I usually drink NONE), but for the most part I made great food choices.

Each morning at breakfast, I had what I really wanted and only as much as it took to fill me up.  For instance, one morning I had one egg, two slices of bacon, two strawberries, and wheat toast; a far cry from what I used to eat.

Saturday night, the first night of the festival, when faced with tons of carnival food, we all ate items from the vegetarian booth.  I had a spinach tortilla with lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, feta cheese, and hummus.  They were stingy on the hummus and feta cheese...so basically, I had veggies wrapped in a tortilla.  But you know what?  It was wonderful.  My body was happy that I didn't weigh it down with the greasy burgers, brats, and other foods that just wouldn't have tasted good.

I slipped up that night and got a single scoop ice cream cone though.  I say that I slipped up because I didn't really want it - I just wanted something sweet.  In retrospect, I should've had one or part of the berry kabobs that my younger sister enjoyed instead (yes, it was drizzled with some milk and white chocolate). 

Sunday night I didn't do AS well as I did on Saturday night.  I ended up having a huge beer on an empty stomach and ended up getting a chicago style dog (lots of veggies on a hot dog) instead of the veggie wrap.  I did share a fruit kabob with Joe though, so that was at least better than the ice cream.

Dave Matthews Band - we were very close to the stage!

The thing is, when surrounded by people who are doing just about everything to excess, a part of me wanted to join along.  A part of me wanted to not miss out - as if not stuffing my face would be me missing out on the experience somehow.  I realized that it was absurd to feel the way that I did.  I pondered why I felt that way.  I still don't know why I felt that way.  But I knew what I should do.  All of these thoughts are the same as what I've had the last 12 weeks.  Typically, at this point, I'd indulge anyway.  But this time, I remembered the quote that resonated with me on Friday.

This weekend, it came down to will.  I have to be WILLING to do the work.  Even if I don't want to.  Even if I don't understand.  Even if my inner voice wants to rebel.  Even though I wanted to, and even though I didn't understand why I wanted to, I left that "not understanding but still wanting" to the side.  I was willing to do what I promised to do even though I didn't get the WHY involved.  What matters is that I didn't indulge to excess.  The rest of the stuff I can figure out when I'm not in the moment wanting to eat everything in sight.

I think I now understand that practicing mindful eating doesn't mean doing whatever you want whenever you want.  I still have to be willing to take the actions (like moving my body or NOT eating) that are necessary.  Mindful eating also doesn't mean that you have to be perfect...that you have to know WHY you want to stop or continue eating in order to do it "right."  Sometimes, I have to just trust the process and know that whatever feelings come up can be figured out later...for now, I just need to promise to stop eating when I'm not hungry.

I was the biggest person in our group.  It was evident in every picture.  But just when I started feeling a little bad that I was the fattest in the group, I realized that at this time two years ago, I was different.

In 2008, my younger sister flew up to visit me for the first Mile High Music Festival where we saw Dave Matthews...I had just started my weight loss journey - having joined Weight Watchers the Monday before she flew out.  I've lost almost over 50 pounds since then and have kept it off. 

I have changed.  And while these pictures (with me in the exact same shirt!) shows the external changes, there were many internal ones that needed to be made as well.

Being 50 pounds lighter made a huge difference in where I was able to walk and what I was able to do.  It may have been two years, but I remember the pain of dancing for just one night had on my body the next day.  This time?  I danced both nights.   Last time I worried who would see the fat girl dancing in the crowd.  This time?  I didn't care who noticed.  I felt great.

I may still have been the biggest person in our party, but I'm healthier than what I was before.  THAT matters.  THAT is still a success.

I AM willing to continue to choose better choices.  I AM willing to pass on foods that my body doesn't want.  And I'm willing to do the work that it will take to be healthier - mind, body, and soul.

9 1/2 weeks

Around 9 1/2 weeks from now, I'll turn 33 years old.

You should probably know that I love multiples of 3. Three is my favorite number and when given the option, I'll take anything with a three on it over anything else. Since double threes are doubly awesome (obviously!), I've decided that this year will be my year.

To celebrate, I'm determined to be lighter on my 33rd birthday.

Ideally, I'd love to be down 20 pounds - to make my weight loss around 75 pounds and get the 75 pound washer (a small, flat ring that you can put on your keychain) from Weight Watchers. But realistically, losing 20 pounds in 9 1/2 weeks is very agressive...especially for someone that hasn't lost more three consecutive weeks in almost a year.

So instead of being impatient as I typically am, I'm just going to say that I want to be lighter. I want to be done with having my weight loss be in the 50s. I want to be able to claim a weight loss of in the 60s.

It's already taken a bit of dedication. Last night at dinner I had several fantastic "reasons" for not staying with my plan. For starters, the wait for the table was about 30 minutes and there were barrels of peanuts that we could snack on while we waited. Upon sitting down, they gave us warm rolls with cinnamon sugar butter as soon. THEY SMELLED FANTASTIC.

After 30 minutes AFTER we gave our order, the waiter realized that he didn't turn our order in...so we had to wait even longer. The manager came to our table, apologized profusely and asked if we wanted anything in the meantime free of charge.

By this time I was so hungry... how I didn't already eat the three remaining rolls in the basket is beyond me. I almost salivated at her temptuous appetizers. I was hungry. I wanted some food right then and we would be able to get it free! FREE FOOD!! Did I mention it was free?!?!

But I remembered my goal and asked for a side salad instead.

Our meals finally came - mine with a 6 ounce filet and double veggies. The veggies came smothered in butter (which is not how I ordered it) so rather than just saying "well, I'm hungry - at least they're veggies", I sent them back - asking for them to just be steamed.

My food tasted delicious and as much as I wanted to wolf it down, I tried to concentrate on being mindful. I looked at the beautiful color of the meat and paid attention to how tender it was when I was chewing it. Because I took a bit longer to eat than I normally do, I realized that I wasn't as hungry because of the salad I ate...so I stopped eating.

And now, I get to eat the other half tonight for dinner. Talk about free food!

I'm trying. And I'm not depriving myself either...I'm being mindful and being good to my body. I want to love my body - and one of the best ways I can honor it, is to listen to it.

My body wants to be lighter. My joints are crying out for it.

So in 9 1/2 weeks, I'm promising to give my body something for it's birthday - freedom from some extra weight.

After all, that's what it's wanted for many years.

My plan is simple, but not easy

SIMPLE: sim·ple   /ˈsɪmpəl/ [sim-puhl]
–adjective
1.easy to understand, deal with, use, etc.: a simple matter; simple tools.
2.not elaborate or artificial; plain: a simple style.
3.not ornate or luxurious; unadorned: a simple gown.
4.unaffected; unassuming; modest: a simple manner.
5.not complicated: a simple design.

EASY: eas·y /ˈizi/ [ee-zee]
–adjective
1. not hard or difficult; requiring no great labor or effort: a book that is easy to read; an easy victory.
2. free from pain, discomfort, worry, or care: He led an easy life.
3. providing or conducive to ease or comfort; comfortable: an easy stance; an easy relationship.
4. fond of or given to ease; easygoing: an easy disposition.
5. not harsh or strict; lenient: an easy master.
--------------------
My eating plan is simple. Eat when you're hungry; don't eat when you're not hungry. In fact, when you boil it down to that, how could it be any simpler?

The problem is that almost all of our lives, we've adapted that eating plan to be:
Eat when your mom tells you to finish all the food on your plate.
Eat when your Aunt Martha spent all day baking that cake JUST FOR YOU.
Eat when you finished your first ballet performance.
Eat when it's your birthday.
Eat when you go on your first date.
Eat when you get dumped.
Eat when you feel left out.
Eat when you feel like you need a pick me up.
Eat when you need to grieve.
Eat when you're happy.
Eat when you're scared.
Eat when you're bored.
Eat when you're tired.
Eat when you don't know what else to do.
Eat when you feel out of control.
Eat to feel in control.

I've eaten for all of those reasons - and about eleventy billion more.

So eating when I'm hungry? It's not as easy for me as you might think. In fact, sometimes it's quite difficult.

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie asked what was going on before I ate (and ate) in my last post. The answer is: Everything. I've felt rushed and stressed...and so tying in with my body to find out it if was hungry or not just didn't happen.

After the last post (and all of your supportive comments), I decided to cut myself some slack. Those of you who have been living/practicing mindful and intuitive eating have let me know that this is a process and a journey. I can't expect to get it right every time all of the time.

So here's what I've figured out so far: deprivation dieting doesn't work for me - or at least it doesn't work for me for long. Stuffing my feelings with food doesn't feel right either.

But this mindful eating practice? When I do it, it feels really right. I like how I feel when I fuel my body with the stuff it likes and requires to be healthy - and that includes sleep, hugs, and good heart felt conversations.

I like feeling heard. I like listening to myself.

I like knowing that when my body is hungry, I can trust myself to nourish it. I like not living in fear of getting hungry.

I like knowing that I can get the full fat gouda slices for my sandwich without feeling guilty. I like not feeling like I'm cheating when I pass on the plastic fat free cheese slices.

Right now it's taking a lot of time to figure out what I want to eat, when I want to eat, and when I need to stop eating. So, my eating plan isn't easy - at least not right now.

But the struggle IS worth it. *I* am worth it.

I am worth feeling content, happy, loved, rested, and harmonious with my body.

What do you do to feel in tune with yourself and your body?

I choose hope

The run that I wrote about in my last post was Saturday morning. It was organized by my Weight Watchers leader, Angela, and was...well...okay.

First, I didn't want to get out of bed because Joe was all cute, snuggly, and warm. Second, I didn't want to go because I didn't want to feel pressured to run either my fastest time (to win) or a 10K. Third (and in the TMI department so feel free to skip this), I was cramping. A lot. As in once every few months, I cramp so badly that I just want to curl up and wait it out with hot pads on my abdomen.

But, I went anyway. I got ready to run and then my leader asked those that were there (about 30 of us) which of us were running. I was the only one.

I was sluggish. Like feeling-like-I-was-running-through-marshmallow-creme sluggish. I just didn't have energy (which could be related to the mass exodus that my uterus was invoking OR could maybe possibly have something to do with the fact that I had more than a few Mini Butterfinger bars the day before).

Since I was the only runner, I finished first.

Yes, I could've forced myself to do it all over again and do a 10K, which was my original goal. But I was spent. It was HOT that morning and I was already feeling so sluggish that I really didn't think I had it in me. Even though I had taken Zyrtec AND my inhaler before running, I was still coughing up a ton of stuff and wheezing horribly (this has lasted all through the weekend - even still when I breathe I have a rattle in my lungs and I'm EXHAUSTED).

So instead of doing a 10K, I accepted the high fives and then ran back to the next group of people that I knew. I walked with them 'til the finish line. Then I ran back again to find another friend and finished with him. I didn't do a 10K, but I did much more than a 5K. And it's probably the only time in my life I'll actually WIN a "race." It felt strange but I'm proud nonetheless.

Technically, I'm a winner.

There was one down part during the day where I realized that this group was probably not for me any longer. I was standing at the finish line talking with some members of the meeting (and my leader) and someone asked about a gal that used to attend. Her name is Fi and she was running a lot and training for some sort of step climbing competition.

Anyway, about 6-8 weeks ago she stopped coming. People were asking our leader if she'd heard anything from her and my leader said that she hadn't. We remarked that that was too bad - since we really liked her.

AND THEN she said, "But you know, she'll be back. Maybe it will be a year, maybe it'll be two, but she'll be back. They always come back."

People around me nodded their heads in agreement but I shrank inwards.

I'm feeling a lot of things at that statement - fear that my approach of mindful/intuitive eating won't work, anger for encouraging the fear that our weight will come back if we don't do WW, as well as frustration of the insensitivity towards other people.

I believe that we can live intuitively. I believe that it is possible. It MUST be possible. I believe that we are worthy of our own trust.

I'm tired of mediating the war between what WW teaches paired with what my meeting talks about and what the knowledge that is inside me says.

I asked Joe for his advice and he asked three simple questions:

1) Does what you learn or experience at WW help you in your journey to lose weight the way that you are trying to lose weight now (intuitive/mindful eating)?
2) Do you feel like you can disregard the number on the scale COMPLETELY while still going to the meetings?
3) Is there another pressing reason you want to go OTHER than the fact that you don't want your leader to say the same stuff about you as what she did about Fi?

My answers to all of those questions were "No."

So I'm not going to go.

I sort of want to go to say good-bye. This is a group that I've spent almost 2 years with. But, like Joe said, I can stop by in a few months if I want - just to say hi.

I'm a little sad. I'm more than a little scared.

Maybe Angela is right. Maybe I will come back in a year or sooner.

But in the back of my head a voice is asking, what if I'M right? What if I CAN be trusted? What if this plan CAN work?

I want to be the person who chooses hope over fear.

And so I will.

Celebrate good times, come on!

Since I've gotten the job (YAY!) and accepted it, I took a few days off this week before giving my two week notice.  My company gives a certain amount of personal days at the beginning of the year that are ours to use how we see fit.  If we leave without using them, too bad.  So I'm definitely using up my days!

Unfortunately, as soon as you say you're leaving the company, you can't take those days off.  So I've had most of this week off - but I actually will be giving my two weeks notice on Monday.

Because I needed to give The New Company an answer, I accepted the job offer this past Tuesday.  I'm very excited about the company and the position so I was thrilled to be able to verbally accept.  My first day of work is going to be the 7th of March. 

If you did the math (February 14 + 2 weeks), you've probably noticed that it means that my last day of work will be February 28th.   That means that I'm lucky enough to have a full week off between jobs.  Two of those days will be paid for (my company will pay me for my unused vacation days) so I'm really only taking three days off without pay.  I'm so blessed that I can do that without the fear of running out of money!

Anyway, after accepting with The New Company, I called Joe to squeal with excitement.

"Pick anywhere you want to go to eat tonight and we'll celebrate!," he said.

I thought about all sorts of places that sounded really good and all the ways that I could indulge.  I could have wine, beer, an appetizer, and desert - everything sounded fantastic.  I literally was salivating just by thinking of all my options.

But then I remembered my decision to apply and practice mindful eating.

We went to Sweet Tomatoes (a salad buffet place) instead.

Once there, I loaded my plate with fresh veggies (I was really hungry).  I enjoyed about an 1/8 of a cup of mushroom soup (it was delicious!) and then had a dish of their fat free soft serve ice cream.  It was sooooo good.

I'm not proud that I went to a "diety" place.  Instead, what I'm proud of is that even though all those other places sounded good and sounded like a great way to celebrate, it's not really what I wanted.  What I wanted was to be able to enjoy the meal with Joe.  I wanted to discuss how happy I was with accepting and how I have some reservations about what to say to my boss.  I wanted to not feel rushed.  I wanted to eat something with a lot of veggies in it - since I hadn't had any all day.  I wanted to go to a place where I wouldn't leave heavy and stuffed full.  And I really wanted a place that had a sensible desert option.

So, really, I got exactly what I wanted.

I think the problem with the concept of mindful or intuitive eating is that I get caught up in sometimes wanting it to be a free-for-all.  I want it to be this magical plan where I eat whatever I want whenever I want it and that I drop pounds like crazy.

In reality, there still has to be a trade-off.

Yes, I *can* have dessert after every meal.  But it means that the pounds may not be flying off (if at all) that week.  Yes, I *can* have sugar at every meal.  But that means that I'm still likely to have sugar headaches and to feel lethargic.

I'm thrilled to say that eating as mindfully as I have (not perfect, but a far cry from where I was even last week), has helped me feel way better than I have been feeling.

I've had more energy and I have enjoyed feeling more in control of my food, versus being controlled by my food and cravings.

And if that isn't a reason to celebrate, I don't know what is.

*I LOVED "Celebration!" by Kool and The Gang when I was a kid.  Who am I kidding?  I *still* love that song. :)

Stopping and spitting

(source)

I've been noodling over an idea, a thought, and possibly a mantra.

What if I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do?  What if I got to have only the best?  What if the enjoyable times were what I focused on?

I'm not talking about EVERYTHING in life.  I mean, I don't really want to pay taxes, go the speed limit, or go to work.  I'm talking about the really enjoying the little things in life.

Bear with me...

My thoughts are these: for most of my life, I've been telling myself that I was fat.  I've also told myself that fat people shouldn't have candy, cookies, brownies, fat, sugar, too much fruit, too much cheese, too much peanut butter, too many carbs, and anything that actually TASTES good.

What happens with me is that when I feel like indulging myself or escaping my life, I imbibe in the above foods as a way to rebel.  I eat foods that are on a no-no list because I want to prove that I can.  Or maybe I do it because I want to feel loved and good enough in some way.

The thing that occurred to me last night, is that sometimes I'm eating things that don't even taste good.  Sometimes, I'm eating them just because I can.  Because they're on a forbidden list of things in my head that I've told myself countless times I can't be trusted around.  Because I want to feel like I'm worthy of eating whatever I want.

But what if I felt empowered to turn down the food rather than eating it because I'm scared that I'd never be offered it again?

I think THAT is what a lot of being more mindful around food is about.

This past Thanksgiving, I practiced mindful eating better than I had probably in my whole adult life.  I ate when I was hungry and I stopped eating when I was no longer hungry. 

I dropped a few pounds that week - I was on vacation, I was surrounded by foods I had no control over.  And I still lost weight.

One of the key memories I have of that week, was where my younger sister and I were in my dad's kitchen.  On the counter was a big box of brownies that someone in my dad's office had made him.  They looked absolutely decadent.  And they were bite-sized...so something that I could have and probably wouldn't have felt too guilty about indulging in.

In the "old" days, I would've eaten one:
* because it was there
* because I don't usually have brownies in my house
* because I was on vacation
* because my sister was eating one too
* because being around my family completely stresses me out

I looked at it.  I *was* hungry.  It honestly looked good.

I popped it in my mouth; as I was chewing, I realized that it tasted more flour-y than fudge-y.  It wasn't horrible by any means.  In fact, it tasted like any other supermarket brownie that you could have.

And that's when I realized that I didn't want to waste my calories or fuel on something that didn't taste great.

So I stopped chewing and I spit it out.

To me, that was a huge win.

I felt empowered when I listened to my body and spit out something that didn't taste amazing.  I don't have to do anything I don't want to do - including eating food.  I can stop any process.

Today I'm going to challenge myself to (gasp!) actually TASTE my food while eating it.  And if I don't like it, I'll stop.

I've actually got a few more thoughts percolating around in my brain involving stopping things that are unhealthy and I'm looking forward to writing about them and getting your thoughts. 

I think there is a lot of power in stopping whatever I'm doing or about to do so that I can make the healthier choice for me.

We're all worth that at least, right?