Picture Pages

First, does anyone remember "Picture Pages" with Bill Cosby?

I used to love that show - and I totally wanted a squiggly bee pen.  And a Jello Pudding Pop.

Oh, who am I kidding?  I STILL want those.

Alright, I don't have it in me to do a serious mind-bending post today.

Instead I'm going to show you some pictures of some things.  It's like "Show N' Tell" from Kindergarten only without the nap time afterwards.

Here is a picture that I took on my last run.  It was during lunch and was right before The Deficit made it known that it doesn't not like me running.

I work in a pretty urban part of town - and my route is full of semi-truck exhaust fumes and hookers for the first and last mile...but there is one path that is off a main street - and that's where I run for the middle part of my run.  Pretty, no?

Since my office is moving on the 29th of this month, and I'm going in for surgery on the 28th (and I can't run between now and then) it's a little weird to think I won't see it again while running.  I'll take a trip down to walk that route (even if only for a little bit of it) during my lunch next week...just to say goodbye.  I changed my life on that path, it seems wrong somehow to not thank it.

The next picture is of something that I'm really starting to love...veggie sandwiches.  Specifically, veggie sandwiches on a toasted bagel.

This little puppy is from Einstein Brothers Bagels - and it's SO good.

I always thought that stuff loaded with veggies seemed so...diet-y.  So tasteless and unsatisfying.  One bite of this sandwich, and I realized the err in my ways. 

And lastly, Joe and I a few months back.

No, he's not giving me a wet willy (although that's totally what it looks like!), but we were snuggling at a music festival that came into town.  I caught him mid-kiss.

It's totally sappy, I know.  But in the last week or two when I've been worried about the surgery and it's possible ramifications, he's been a rock.  I love this man. 

As if there was any doubt...

Not so happy pants

Last Wednesday, I decided to go for a run - just to see if I was well enough (from my cold) to run and do the 10K that was this past Sunday.

I'll spare you the gory details, but let's just say that about a mile and a half in, my uterine fibroid decided it didn't much care for running and made it known.  Of course, I turned around and headed back to the office - but was left walking the rest of the way because running hurt so badly.  It was a fast pace I had though - because I knew I didn't have much time before everyone else knew that something was wrong.

Bleeding while you're stranded in the middle of nowhere is not great.

But more than that, I was so sad that it meant that not only could I not run the 10K as I had hoped, but I couldn't run the 5K.  Running is therefore out until surgery too.  And if you've been reading me for awhile, you know that running is a great stress relief.

I made it back safe and sound and changed into a whole new set of clothes after taking a shower at work.

But it didn't make it better.

I've got to figure out what I can do to move my body in a way that won't cause the same bleeding and discomfort. 

So those that *can* run, run for me, will you?

And those that can't, what do you do to exercise as a stress relief?  I'm looking for some low impact things to enjoy that won't make the fibroid angry. 

You wouldn't like it when it's angry... 

Habits

When I was oblivious a few years ago, I thought that things happened TO me.  I thought my eating style was the way it was and doing something different seemed like SO. MUCH. EFFORT.

It's easier to get in the habit of eating badly.  When I load up on carbs or sugar, that's pretty much all I crave.  Then I'd conk out on the sofa while watching some trashy reality TV show.  I didn't have a life (so to speak) so I might as well watch other people live theirs.

Eating until my stomach was full (a level 10 on my scale of satiety), was normal. 

It's no wonder that I gained weight like a champ.  And that I felt more drained than ever.  But getting out of my habit of eating horribly was something I didn't want to do.  It was easier to stay with what my norm was.

The thing is, when I decided to make some changes, via WW in 2008, it did take a lot of effort.  But it was worth it.

And in May, when I decided to stop WW and focus on how I FELT and how hungry I actually was before eating, that took a LOT of effort too.

But what I noticed this weekend was that now that I've been living my life between a 3 and 6 on the hunger scale, I feel so much better. 

I don't want to go down to a 2.  And being at a 7 doesn't feel good OR comforting anymore.

That's my new habit.

Take this weekend.  I went to a little mountain town in Colorado called Idaho Springs with my dad.  We walked around and shopped.  I went into a cute little shop that sold soaps where I indulged.  I bought three bars of wonderfully smelling soaps just for me.  We went into a boutique where I purchased a vase for flowers that I'm hoping to have year-round.  Afterwards, my father and I walked to a nearby pizza shop and had lunch.

I ordered a individual whole wheat pizza with veggies and ate half.  I paused (as my habit is) at halfway through and realized that I wasn't hungry any longer.  I was at a 5 on the hunger scale.

So I stopped. 

My dad is pretty self absorbed still - and the lunch took about an hour and a half because he took a long time eating his whole small pizza.  The whole meal was spent as a monologue for him.

In the past, this would've been a huge trigger for me.  I would've felt diminished.  I would've been hurt that he didn't pay attention to me and that he didn't seem interested in me.  I would've been bored (okay, I WAS bored) and would've eaten out of boredom.

Oh, I thought about it.  But eating the rest of the pizza when I had already realized I wasn't hungry all of the sudden seemed like SO. MUCH. EFFORT.  So I didn't.

Instead, I asked for a box and we went outside to watch the local Homecoming Parade.

Incidentally, I did make my voice heard several times over the weekend...whether he actually listened is another matter. 

And this morning, as I used my uber indulgent soap in the shower, I thought of how good it felt to have a small splurge on myself - something that would bring me comfort and remind me of when I conquered some bad eating habits, even in the face of some emotional triggers.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that habits work both ways. 

Realizing that I had a choice - to treat myself the way I deserved to be treated no matter who was around - was huge.

I matter.  I am worthy of the good feeling that happens when you eat well and when you eat enough.  I don't deserve to be famished.  But I also don't deserve the punishment of being stuffed.

I ate what I wanted, when I wanted.  I felt satisfied, content, and proud.   It's a new feeling - but it's one that I definitely want to make a habit.

Another chance at $150

It's that time of the month again...where I've (with the help of BlogHer and Laughing Cow) put together a chance to win a $150 Visa gift card, just by entering a comment on my new post on the review blog.

This month's topic?  How to get motivated to exercise when you've lost your mojo.

Click there to enter...and a "real" post is coming soon!

Sick

To say that our house has been an infestation of all kinds of disease is pretty accurate.

I've been sick all week - and as of this morning I still had a fever and burning feeling in my chest.  Joe?  He's sick with a stomach bug that as of this morning hadn't completely run it's course.  Yesterday he ran a temp just under 105. 

It's so much fun!  Not.

AND my father will actually be coming in tonight to spend the weekend with us.  He'll be staying in a hotel.  That he's paying for.  Actually, I'm not sure if I wrote you about the fall-out of that conversation that he and I had after I wrote the post last month.

Basically, he was very understanding when I explained, "I offered to pay for everything because I didn't want you to be mad at me.  I didn't want you to be disappointed in me.  I want you to be happy with me.  I want us to have a good time."  It felt good to explain my fears to him and to help him see how when he reacts in an impatient irritated manner, it makes me feel inferior and unworthy.

He said that he wanted to come down, spend time with me, meet Joe, and that he didn't want it to be a stressful thing.  That he quickly agreed and was thoughtful in his response makes me realize that maybe he really *has* gotten better over the years.

It was a rare moment in my 33 years where there was genuine authenticity on both sides.  I hope our relationship is better for it. 
The great thing about having him as a guest this weekend is that my dad really values his personal time and space.  This means we will break for a few hours each afternoon to rest...which means that I can heal with some much needed sleep this weekend.

I'm exhausted.  I'm so behind on reading blogs, that it's not funny.  So forgive me for my non-commenting - I don't know how I get *this* behind on all the blogs on a weekly basis.  It's tough because there are so many that I want to read and comment thoughtfully on.  In fact, sometimes I read them and mark them as "unread" because I want to comment on them later.  Only then they build up even faster...and that's why I have 300 unread blog posts.  And 75 unanswered emails.  Wasn't technology supposed to make things easier??

Good advice from Bob Harper

Alright, I admit it.  I watch "The Biggest Loser" on Tuesday nights.  Each season, I swear I'm not going to, but then I get sucked in.

Last night, after a particularly hard work out, Bob Harper (if you don't watch the show, he's one of the trainers) said to the contestants:

"It's not a bad thing to ask for what you want."

I'm not going to lie to you, I hit the rewind button on the DVR to hear it again and then I paused the show to let it sink in.

I struggle with this so often.

I can lobby for someone else.  I can look at a tough situation and find a solution that benefits most.  I can analyze a given problem and come up with an idea that fixes the problem.  Even on a personal level, I can ask for things I need.

But actually ASK for something that I just WANT?

Eesh.

I have a hard time asking someone to help me.  Whether it be with the groceries, cleaning up the house, for a drink of water, quality time, sex or intimacy from a partner, or something else in my relationship with someone.  Putting myself first feels uncomfortable.

When I think about WHY that's an issue for me, I think it's because I was told so often as a kid that I was this bossy thing.  Incorrigible.  Stubborn.  Willful.  As a kid, I didn't mind asking for what I needed or wanted.

And somewhere along the way, I was told/instructed that good girls don't ask for stuff they don't need.  Good girls look out for the needs of others.  I learned that there was pride and honor in silently suffering.  And the message that I received was that I wasn't good enough to ask for what I wanted; in fact, it was rude to do so.  If it happened that I got what I wanted, be thankful.  If it didn't, too bad, so sad, that's just life.  The phrase, "you get what you get and don't throw a fit" comes into mind.  And while I think that's a good thing, somehow I internalized that to apply to EVERYTHING in my life.  Simon and Garfunkel's "I Am a Rock" was my theme song.  Not so healthy.

These days, I'm starting to realize that when I ask for help (or even if I'm just willing to accept help when it's offered) that it's not a sign of weakness.  It's not a sign of neediness or desperation to ask for a hug, for time, for a listening ear, or for another chance. 

And what I'm finding is that when I ask out of an actual want, I feel soothed much more than I would've with food anyway.

I've heard before that when hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the answer.  And I agree.  But what I'm realizing is that when I'm healthy emotionally (with boundaries, in healthy relationships, etc), and I feel heard and understood, I don't think about food as much anyway.

Asking for what I want started with little things.  If someone offered me a blue cup or a red cup, I used to just say "Oh - whichever you don't want."  I started to state my preference.  If someone offered me a chance to go in front of them, I let them - if that's what I wanted.

It's a way to be gentle with myself - a way to tend to myself and be heard by my own true wise self.  

I feel balanced when I pause in a situation and really think about what *I* want and then ask for it in a respectful way.

I still struggle with this; with the idea that my asking for a want is valid...but I recognize that it gets easier every time.

Because each time, I feel love from the person that gives me what I asked for and I feel love from myself because I honored ME.  And feeling loved feels good, soothing, and luxurious.  Way better than a warm brownie or a salty chip has ever made me feel.

Because I'm still a newbie at this, how are ways that you honor your wants?

100 Status Check

Time to check in regarding the 100 Day Challenge from South Beach Steve's blog.

How am I doing? 

The simple answer?  Eesh.

Detailed answer?
1) Wash my face each night before I go to bed. I know...some of you are recoiling in disgust. But I'm that girl. The girl that sometimes doesn't wash her face. THE HORROR! I'll brush my teeth and take my meds, but washing my face seems like SO. MUCH. WORK sometimes. So I'm vowing to do that for the next 100 days.

Ughh...Okay, I've done it more often than not, but definitely not at 100% yet.

2) Take a daily vitamin every day. No excuses.
Okay, so I've done this on workdays, but the weekend was a bit tough since I was sick and not thinking of vitamins.  I'll do better this week :)

3) Run a 10K.
We'll see if that's still in the cards for this weekend.  Because I've been sick, I may have to choose a different 10K to run.  I'll be running at lunch today to see how I feel.

4) Read one food or relationship with food book each month.
Check!  Currently reading two: "Intuitive Eating" by Evelyn Tribole and Else Resch and "In Defense of Food" by Michael Pollan

5) Get into a new "decade" of weight that I haven't seen in almost a decade by December 31st. I haven't weighed myself in the last few days, but I'm pretty sure that means dropping 15 pounds.
So far, so good - meaning that I haven't GAINED weight.  I weighed myself at the beginning of the challenge, but haven't done so yet this week.

6) Continue to go to therapy.
Check! 
7) Continue to practice being gentle with myself.
Check!  Sleeping this weekend and the decision to MAYBE back out of my run, was a great representation of that!
 
How are YOU doin'?

Just this once

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been sick.

And now, Joe is sick.  I feel SO bad about it...perhaps it's because we've been living with each other for only 6 months, but this is the first time that a bug has passed from one of to the other - and I feel kind of bad.  Certainly it wasn't intentional, but still...

Because of that, we're out of the best drug on earth - Sudafed PE.  These orange capsules are amazing at getting rid of my colds faster than anything else - and no, they're not paying me to say that.

So I stopped by Walgreens on my way to work to pick up some more pills, some Zicam, and Echinacea.  That's when I saw it...

The Halloween display.

Aisles of candy.  Mouth watering candy.  Binge worthy candy.

And I start thinking, "My workplace has been so difficult lately.  I should bring in candy to help celebrate the season; to make my co-workers feel that they are cared for and to make people want to stop by my desk to distract me from work that I really don't want to do."

Usually when I have these thoughts, I buy candy that I don't like.  It used to be because I felt that I couldn't trust myself around candy - what would happen if I ate one??  I'd buy the "good stuff" for the trick-or-treaters that came by my house, but only on October 31st.  The next day, I'd drop off the bag at my local Weight Watchers meeting so that they would give it to homeless or needy people (needy skinny people?).  Actually, I'm not quite sure WHAT they did with it...or if that's a nationwide thing or not.  Maybe Jams can pipe in here.

Then, after I started this whole "intuitive eating" process, I decided to trust myself around candy again - starting with bags of dark chocolate.  Whereas once I'd find myself shoving handfuls of baking chocolate chips in my mouth at home, one bag of dark chocolate has lasted me months here at work and it's still not all gone.  When it was around and I could have as much as I wanted, I didn't crave it as much.  WIN!

Surely that meant that I could have "fun size" candies at work now, right?  Uh, not so much apparently.  Remember the time right around Labor Day?  I bought a "fun size" compilation for work and felt like I ate eleventy billion pounds of it.

I think that having *that* much candy around makes me feel vulnerable and panicky.  Should I sit with those feelings?  Yes.  But I also know that I'm sick, I'm tired, and I'm worried about The Deficit.  Those things make me more susceptible to eating anyway - the last thing I need to do is fuel my eating with things that will make me feel even worse (physically).

And still, at Walgreens at 7 AM this morning, the thought came into my head, "Just this once.  You're in tune with what you're worried about and what you're feeling, now - it's not like last time.  Just buy one bag of candy you like to *see* if you can conquer it.  Won't you feel so good if you have victory over stupid candy?"

I admit.  I hesitated.

I was torn because I want to show that I'm trustworthy around all types of food - not just when things are perfect in my life.  I want to be sick, with a chapped nose, a screaming baby, and to see candy bars (or something just as yummy) and not be tempted.

The thing is, I also want to run a half marathon.  I also want to get a puppy.  I want to buy a new car.  I want to quit my job.

But I don't do those things because I'm not prepared to do those things, yet.  My life situation is not equipped to handle those things...just as it's not equipped to handle a completely stressful situation without turning to food primarily.  I'm not perfect; I may overeat when I'm sick, tired, or worried, but it's not responsible to have the stuff around that makes me feel even more ill. 

It's not that I'm saying that I can't have chocolate.  In fact, it was pretty empowering to stand there, arms full of medications, and know that I could have anything I wanted in that store.  I can have that today or right now if that's what I want.  I just want to be mindful about it. 

Jumping from where I am now to being completely intuitive and not feeding my emotions is a pretty big leap - one that I know that in my present state I'm not too likely to be able to make.

So instead, I bought two bags of candy that were on sale.  Mary Janes if you must know - not a treat I crave at all, but one that I know my co-workers have enjoyed in years past.

  

I actually feel pretty great right now - way better than when I was fearful about what I might stock in my wire pumpkin.  And way better than when I forbid myself to have "bad" candy.  Right now my mindset is "It's just candy...a compilation of various forms of sugar."

It feels so great to have clarity around these types of things...even if it's just this once.

Adaptation

So, the fresh resolve and perspective I had on Friday was real and genuine.

Only apparently, the world had other plans.

Friday afternoon, I started getting stuffy and my throat started hurting.  By Friday night I was running a fever and ended up spending pretty much all weekend in bed...and not in a good way.  I still had a fever last night, but I felt much better this morning.

I'm back at work this morning, though not nearly as fatigued as I was this weekend.  Sure, I sound completely stuffed up and my nose is leaking like a sieve, but I feel much better.

All weekend long, I worried about running - after all, I had just announced that I was going to run my first 10K...what would the world come to if I didn't do that?!?!

So I didn't run this weekend.  And that makes the possibility of me running the whole 10K on 10/10/10 a lot less likely.

BUT I did take care of myself - which was another goal from the Hot 100 Challenge.  And the surgery to remove The Deficit has to be of greater importance than the 10K.  By taking care of myself this past weekend, I am making sure that that surgery will go as planned and won't get pushed back to me being unwell.

If I feel well enough later today, I'll go for a run outside... and if everything goes perfectly this week, I'll still run the 10K this weekend.  I can choose to opt out and run the 5K up until Friday.  OR if I feel worse as the week progresses, I can just not run at all.

Having said that, it's 2 PM and I feel good.  Joe is grocery shopping on the way home so I'll hit the dreadmill or run outside - something to test the waters and see what I'm made of.

What do you think - push through it or should I take it easy? OR is there some middle ground?


P.S.  It's Monday.  That means that this blurb is here to remind you to enter in the Laughing Cow post to win $150 on my review blog.  It's so easy, even a caveman can do it.  Wait.  I probably shouldn't write that.

Perseverance

per·se·ver·ance   /ˌpɜrsəˈvɪərəns/ [pur-suh-veer-uhns]: steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I have wanted to do a 10K since late last year.  In fact, I had signed up to do a 10K when I was home for Thanksgiving last year, but the race coordinators cancelled it due to lack of interest.

I've been sort of dipping my toes in the idea pool of 10Ks.  Thinking that I should try one and then missing the sign up date and feeling a bit relieved.

I think the reason I do this is that I know that I can run a 5K and I have run 5 miles before, but a 10K?  That just seems SO official.  Like I should be a runner.  Like I should be in shape.

And I'm not in shape.  In fact, when I ran the 4 miles yesterday at lunch, I had to walk for about a mile just to finish it.  I was tired, I was in pain, and I just didn't want to.

The thing is, without telling you all, I already signed up for the 10K.  It's called Fans on the Field (race day is next weekend!) and it's probably one of the coolest 10Ks ever.  See, Denver is lucky enough to have all the major sports teams...hockey, baseball, basketball, football, and (of course) dodgeball.  The 10K will involve us starting out at the football stadium (Invesco Field), running through floor of the Pepsi Center (where the basketball and hockey teams play), running on Coors Field (where our baseball team plays) and then finishing by running on the track of Invesco Field.  There is a lot of change in scenery and they're something about running where thousands of athletes have run before.  I ran the 5K last year and I told myself that I would run the 10K this year.

But that was before I found out about The Deficit. 

Part of me wants to say "Well, crap.  Now that I have this THING inside me, I should just sleep in, eat bonbons, and stop exercising.  Oh poor me! I have a big THING that makes me feel freakish.  Besides, the race is 9 days away - you're not even RUNNING a full 4 miles yet, how are you going to run 6.2?"  But I know that's silly.

I can FEEL the temptation to throw in the towel on the intuitive eating, on running, and on being healthier.  Because right now, I've got a lot of emotions going on.

And I can.  I can quit.  I can take a break in this whole healthy living thing.

But I won't.  Because I can't, not really. 

I read an interesting excerpt the other day on a blog somewhere (if you can recall where, tell me so that I can give credit!) that made the connection between ripening fruit and making the decision to be more in tune with your body; to be healthier.  Basically, it said that just as you can't stop the ripening of a peach, you can't go back to your life as if you don't care about your health any more.  Once you know (in your core) that there is a better way, you can't UN-know.

So that's where I'm at.

I feel this pressure to keep on my path of trying to lose weight.  Of trying to build up my distance or improve my pace in running.  And realistically, I know that I can't do the latter - at least not after October 28th - for a while.  I know that while re-couping, I'm going to be alone in the house.  Where there is food.   That no one will see me eat.

It's like the perfect set up to revert back to my old ways.

I know that that is one choice, one path that I have taken again and again in my life.  The other is to take all the learning and a-ha moments that I've had and say that this healing period will be a chance to do better.

I've had a lot of lessons in the past year.  I've had some quizzes.  But this surgery - the build-up, the healing, and the fall-out?  That's going to be the final exam.

I don't want to look at it as a pass/fail mentality.  But I do want to look at this and realize that this is a great way to look inside myself, with curiosity (rather than judgement) and LEARN to cope in ways other than unhealthy ones.

Which brings me back to the 10K. 

The truth is, I CAN run now.  The truth is, I can finish the race - even if I have to walk part of it.  Who cares?  The truth is, I will feel amazing when I accomplish that goal, just as I did when I accomplished Big Clyde's weekend challenge last weekend.

So, there's kind of only one thing to do.  To continue to ripen.

I'll go to the race.  I'll run when I can and walk when I need to.  But I will finish.

I'll have the pre-op testing and surgery.  And I'll come out of it better (and lighter?).

I'll heal at home and I'll rest my body.  When I feel lonely, I'll take a walk along the 16th Street Mall and enjoy seeing the "diversity" that is downtown.  When I want a change of location, I'll go to the nearby library.   And I'll take up the offers from Audra and Kris to keep me company during some of the time.

I can look at this as a way to go back, hide myself, and bury myself in the old ways of doing things.  OR I can persevere, I can find out what I'm *really* made of and show myself that *I* am worth changing for.

I choose the latter.