Just this once

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been sick.

And now, Joe is sick.  I feel SO bad about it...perhaps it's because we've been living with each other for only 6 months, but this is the first time that a bug has passed from one of to the other - and I feel kind of bad.  Certainly it wasn't intentional, but still...

Because of that, we're out of the best drug on earth - Sudafed PE.  These orange capsules are amazing at getting rid of my colds faster than anything else - and no, they're not paying me to say that.

So I stopped by Walgreens on my way to work to pick up some more pills, some Zicam, and Echinacea.  That's when I saw it...

The Halloween display.

Aisles of candy.  Mouth watering candy.  Binge worthy candy.

And I start thinking, "My workplace has been so difficult lately.  I should bring in candy to help celebrate the season; to make my co-workers feel that they are cared for and to make people want to stop by my desk to distract me from work that I really don't want to do."

Usually when I have these thoughts, I buy candy that I don't like.  It used to be because I felt that I couldn't trust myself around candy - what would happen if I ate one??  I'd buy the "good stuff" for the trick-or-treaters that came by my house, but only on October 31st.  The next day, I'd drop off the bag at my local Weight Watchers meeting so that they would give it to homeless or needy people (needy skinny people?).  Actually, I'm not quite sure WHAT they did with it...or if that's a nationwide thing or not.  Maybe Jams can pipe in here.

Then, after I started this whole "intuitive eating" process, I decided to trust myself around candy again - starting with bags of dark chocolate.  Whereas once I'd find myself shoving handfuls of baking chocolate chips in my mouth at home, one bag of dark chocolate has lasted me months here at work and it's still not all gone.  When it was around and I could have as much as I wanted, I didn't crave it as much.  WIN!

Surely that meant that I could have "fun size" candies at work now, right?  Uh, not so much apparently.  Remember the time right around Labor Day?  I bought a "fun size" compilation for work and felt like I ate eleventy billion pounds of it.

I think that having *that* much candy around makes me feel vulnerable and panicky.  Should I sit with those feelings?  Yes.  But I also know that I'm sick, I'm tired, and I'm worried about The Deficit.  Those things make me more susceptible to eating anyway - the last thing I need to do is fuel my eating with things that will make me feel even worse (physically).

And still, at Walgreens at 7 AM this morning, the thought came into my head, "Just this once.  You're in tune with what you're worried about and what you're feeling, now - it's not like last time.  Just buy one bag of candy you like to *see* if you can conquer it.  Won't you feel so good if you have victory over stupid candy?"

I admit.  I hesitated.

I was torn because I want to show that I'm trustworthy around all types of food - not just when things are perfect in my life.  I want to be sick, with a chapped nose, a screaming baby, and to see candy bars (or something just as yummy) and not be tempted.

The thing is, I also want to run a half marathon.  I also want to get a puppy.  I want to buy a new car.  I want to quit my job.

But I don't do those things because I'm not prepared to do those things, yet.  My life situation is not equipped to handle those things...just as it's not equipped to handle a completely stressful situation without turning to food primarily.  I'm not perfect; I may overeat when I'm sick, tired, or worried, but it's not responsible to have the stuff around that makes me feel even more ill. 

It's not that I'm saying that I can't have chocolate.  In fact, it was pretty empowering to stand there, arms full of medications, and know that I could have anything I wanted in that store.  I can have that today or right now if that's what I want.  I just want to be mindful about it. 

Jumping from where I am now to being completely intuitive and not feeding my emotions is a pretty big leap - one that I know that in my present state I'm not too likely to be able to make.

So instead, I bought two bags of candy that were on sale.  Mary Janes if you must know - not a treat I crave at all, but one that I know my co-workers have enjoyed in years past.

  

I actually feel pretty great right now - way better than when I was fearful about what I might stock in my wire pumpkin.  And way better than when I forbid myself to have "bad" candy.  Right now my mindset is "It's just candy...a compilation of various forms of sugar."

It feels so great to have clarity around these types of things...even if it's just this once.