Habits

When I was oblivious a few years ago, I thought that things happened TO me.  I thought my eating style was the way it was and doing something different seemed like SO. MUCH. EFFORT.

It's easier to get in the habit of eating badly.  When I load up on carbs or sugar, that's pretty much all I crave.  Then I'd conk out on the sofa while watching some trashy reality TV show.  I didn't have a life (so to speak) so I might as well watch other people live theirs.

Eating until my stomach was full (a level 10 on my scale of satiety), was normal. 

It's no wonder that I gained weight like a champ.  And that I felt more drained than ever.  But getting out of my habit of eating horribly was something I didn't want to do.  It was easier to stay with what my norm was.

The thing is, when I decided to make some changes, via WW in 2008, it did take a lot of effort.  But it was worth it.

And in May, when I decided to stop WW and focus on how I FELT and how hungry I actually was before eating, that took a LOT of effort too.

But what I noticed this weekend was that now that I've been living my life between a 3 and 6 on the hunger scale, I feel so much better. 

I don't want to go down to a 2.  And being at a 7 doesn't feel good OR comforting anymore.

That's my new habit.

Take this weekend.  I went to a little mountain town in Colorado called Idaho Springs with my dad.  We walked around and shopped.  I went into a cute little shop that sold soaps where I indulged.  I bought three bars of wonderfully smelling soaps just for me.  We went into a boutique where I purchased a vase for flowers that I'm hoping to have year-round.  Afterwards, my father and I walked to a nearby pizza shop and had lunch.

I ordered a individual whole wheat pizza with veggies and ate half.  I paused (as my habit is) at halfway through and realized that I wasn't hungry any longer.  I was at a 5 on the hunger scale.

So I stopped. 

My dad is pretty self absorbed still - and the lunch took about an hour and a half because he took a long time eating his whole small pizza.  The whole meal was spent as a monologue for him.

In the past, this would've been a huge trigger for me.  I would've felt diminished.  I would've been hurt that he didn't pay attention to me and that he didn't seem interested in me.  I would've been bored (okay, I WAS bored) and would've eaten out of boredom.

Oh, I thought about it.  But eating the rest of the pizza when I had already realized I wasn't hungry all of the sudden seemed like SO. MUCH. EFFORT.  So I didn't.

Instead, I asked for a box and we went outside to watch the local Homecoming Parade.

Incidentally, I did make my voice heard several times over the weekend...whether he actually listened is another matter. 

And this morning, as I used my uber indulgent soap in the shower, I thought of how good it felt to have a small splurge on myself - something that would bring me comfort and remind me of when I conquered some bad eating habits, even in the face of some emotional triggers.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that habits work both ways. 

Realizing that I had a choice - to treat myself the way I deserved to be treated no matter who was around - was huge.

I matter.  I am worthy of the good feeling that happens when you eat well and when you eat enough.  I don't deserve to be famished.  But I also don't deserve the punishment of being stuffed.

I ate what I wanted, when I wanted.  I felt satisfied, content, and proud.   It's a new feeling - but it's one that I definitely want to make a habit.