Monday, October 18, 2010

Jittery

I don't drink a lot of caffeine.  But you know how when you drink too much of it and you feel all jittery inside?

That's how I feel pretty much all of the time.

I think that I just feel unsettled about the upcoming surgery.  And although you are probably tired of hearing about it, I'm going to keep on writing about it.

I get that the chances of me coming out of it alive are very high.  I get that the chance of me coming out of it with all of my lady bits are high.  I get that it does no good to worry about it.

But I can't help it.

I think it's that I just feel that I've had a lot of really crappy stuff happen to me in my life. I was molested as a kid, hit by an ex-boyfriend in high school, cheated on, and have had other health concerns that have been significant.  I've kept going in the midst of a lot of adversity.  I think I kept plugging along - at first feeling like I didn't deserve good things, and then feeling like maybe some day my luck would turn around.

I've lived most of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.  While things were sucky, I was aware that they could always be worse.

But now my life is finally starting to resemble something that's fantastic.  I'm trusting people in ways I never really did before.  I'm loving freely and fully (which was SO hard at first).  I'm happy with me and my body.  I'm happy-ish with my relationship with food.

And I'm sharing my life with someone.  It's something I always thought was for other people...but not for someone like me.  It's the kind of love that is such a comfort.

So now that I have this life that I have always wanted, I'm aware at how much this situation could suck.  I guess I'm aware at how blessed my life actually IS.  My life isn't perfect by any means, but I no longer live in fear of the other shoe dropping.

I'm actually content.

I KNOW that I shouldn't worry about the surgery.  It's out of my hands...and I can't do anything to change anything.  But I am and I do.  Well, I'm not sure that WORRY is the right word...I'm anxious and jittery though.  And doesn't that stem from worry?

I'd like to say that my eating has been perfect.  It hasn't.

But I haven't gained any weight in the last few weeks either...and with cutting back drastically on my exercise regime, that's at least something that I don't need to worry about.

I'm aware that I want to keep eating to veg out, zone out, or decompress somehow.  The only possible thing that I can think of to bring me comfort is to take a yoga class in the next week - something that will help me focus on my breath and my position and nothing else.  It'll be a new way to get a break from my head and won't be so strenuous as to anger the uterine fibroid.

Any other suggestions?

15 Comments:

Allan said...

You are supposed to be nervous, even though you will be fine. That is the journey, and you are lucky that there are people around you for support. In the real world, and here of course, so relax, and the day after you are done, all the great stuff is still there...

Debbie said...

Yoga would be wonderful and it will help you relax. Surgery will make anyone nervous. We are all here for you so hang in there. Hugs to you..:)

Maggie said...

It's great that you're noticing and feeling your (very natural!) feelings instead of stuffing them (which I would have done not long ago!).

Focus on the things you CAN control around the surgery. See if you can bring in music (often the surgery team will play your own music if you request it). Ask if Joe can sit with you while you wait and get prepped. See if your yoga teacher will give you some breathing techniques to help you calm yourself while you're waiting. What else? There's probably more. Ask your surgeon what you get to decide.

Gina said...

Why don't you spend everyday up to the surgery doing something just for you...nothing food related, but the yoga class, a massage, a pedicure, getting your hair did, buying a new for fun not serious book, taking a walk around a scenic spot in your area that you haven't been to, taking long baths, finding new herbal teas that you'd enjoy (good for post surgery too) renting a couple of your fav movies and vegging that way with air popped popcorn (you can eat a ton with little calories) and the list goes on. Try & do at least one special, stress reliving activity a day. You're worth it:-)

Happy Fun Pants said...

Gina and Maggie -

Those are WONDERFUL suggestions.

Lesia said...

yep those a very normal feelings. 2 years ago I under went brain surgery and I know exactly what you are feeling. I will be thinking of you and praying. Cause I BELIEVE that prayers DO get answered. Love ya. smile.

Jams said...

I think nerves are normal. Keep acknowledging your feelings and taking care of yourself.

Sam said...

I agree with all the great suggestions everyone has shared. I would add meditation. It can be very calming and soothing!

Karen said...

I was nervous the only time I went under general anesthesia too. Nervous is normal. Are you a fan of baths? How about getting a massage?

Lanie Painie said...

Learning to knit has helped me with my anxiety. A great friend told me just yesterday that magnesium is something that is supposed to help alleviate panic and anxiety as well.

That said, the best thing that I have found for my anxiety is just realizing that I don't have to be afraid of losing control when I'm anxious. It's ok to be scared an sad, and the emotions won't destroy you. You are strong enough to experience your feelings and then move on.

We're here for ya. Maybe do a countdown banner to the big surgery day, have some fun with it. Check out Mrs. Fatass at her "Did I just eat that out loud?" blog and do something like she did with her birthday suckhole extravaganza.

Thrice Blessed said...

I think its completely normal to be a little nervous! I really like Gina's suggestion!

Mind Over Fatter said...

You shouldn't beat yourself up for the way you are feeling. Considering what you've been through I'd say you're managing well! A real positive thing to focus on is how much healthier you are going into the surgery and your recovery should be that much better than when you were unhealthy. And vent all you want, we're here for you...

Dani said...

if you weren't worried I would be worried. It is good to worry it means you care about you! Things will be ok though we are all pulling for you in bloggerland!

TinaM said...

Of COURSE you are worried about it, it's only human nature to be.
Just try and concentrate on the positives, we are all thinking about you and sending our prayers and good thoughts.
I think yoga is a great idea!

(Not that you should turn into an addict like me... but I find facebook games like frontierville, make me forget real life for a while. hehe)

Lala said...

I really like Gina's suggestion. I also hear really great things about meditation. There's a lot of precedent for it being helpful in dealing with pain and discomfort (read "Full Catastrophe Living), so it might be really helpful both pre- and post- surgery.