Perseverance

per·se·ver·ance   /ˌpɜrsəˈvɪərəns/ [pur-suh-veer-uhns]: steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I have wanted to do a 10K since late last year.  In fact, I had signed up to do a 10K when I was home for Thanksgiving last year, but the race coordinators cancelled it due to lack of interest.

I've been sort of dipping my toes in the idea pool of 10Ks.  Thinking that I should try one and then missing the sign up date and feeling a bit relieved.

I think the reason I do this is that I know that I can run a 5K and I have run 5 miles before, but a 10K?  That just seems SO official.  Like I should be a runner.  Like I should be in shape.

And I'm not in shape.  In fact, when I ran the 4 miles yesterday at lunch, I had to walk for about a mile just to finish it.  I was tired, I was in pain, and I just didn't want to.

The thing is, without telling you all, I already signed up for the 10K.  It's called Fans on the Field (race day is next weekend!) and it's probably one of the coolest 10Ks ever.  See, Denver is lucky enough to have all the major sports teams...hockey, baseball, basketball, football, and (of course) dodgeball.  The 10K will involve us starting out at the football stadium (Invesco Field), running through floor of the Pepsi Center (where the basketball and hockey teams play), running on Coors Field (where our baseball team plays) and then finishing by running on the track of Invesco Field.  There is a lot of change in scenery and they're something about running where thousands of athletes have run before.  I ran the 5K last year and I told myself that I would run the 10K this year.

But that was before I found out about The Deficit. 

Part of me wants to say "Well, crap.  Now that I have this THING inside me, I should just sleep in, eat bonbons, and stop exercising.  Oh poor me! I have a big THING that makes me feel freakish.  Besides, the race is 9 days away - you're not even RUNNING a full 4 miles yet, how are you going to run 6.2?"  But I know that's silly.

I can FEEL the temptation to throw in the towel on the intuitive eating, on running, and on being healthier.  Because right now, I've got a lot of emotions going on.

And I can.  I can quit.  I can take a break in this whole healthy living thing.

But I won't.  Because I can't, not really. 

I read an interesting excerpt the other day on a blog somewhere (if you can recall where, tell me so that I can give credit!) that made the connection between ripening fruit and making the decision to be more in tune with your body; to be healthier.  Basically, it said that just as you can't stop the ripening of a peach, you can't go back to your life as if you don't care about your health any more.  Once you know (in your core) that there is a better way, you can't UN-know.

So that's where I'm at.

I feel this pressure to keep on my path of trying to lose weight.  Of trying to build up my distance or improve my pace in running.  And realistically, I know that I can't do the latter - at least not after October 28th - for a while.  I know that while re-couping, I'm going to be alone in the house.  Where there is food.   That no one will see me eat.

It's like the perfect set up to revert back to my old ways.

I know that that is one choice, one path that I have taken again and again in my life.  The other is to take all the learning and a-ha moments that I've had and say that this healing period will be a chance to do better.

I've had a lot of lessons in the past year.  I've had some quizzes.  But this surgery - the build-up, the healing, and the fall-out?  That's going to be the final exam.

I don't want to look at it as a pass/fail mentality.  But I do want to look at this and realize that this is a great way to look inside myself, with curiosity (rather than judgement) and LEARN to cope in ways other than unhealthy ones.

Which brings me back to the 10K. 

The truth is, I CAN run now.  The truth is, I can finish the race - even if I have to walk part of it.  Who cares?  The truth is, I will feel amazing when I accomplish that goal, just as I did when I accomplished Big Clyde's weekend challenge last weekend.

So, there's kind of only one thing to do.  To continue to ripen.

I'll go to the race.  I'll run when I can and walk when I need to.  But I will finish.

I'll have the pre-op testing and surgery.  And I'll come out of it better (and lighter?).

I'll heal at home and I'll rest my body.  When I feel lonely, I'll take a walk along the 16th Street Mall and enjoy seeing the "diversity" that is downtown.  When I want a change of location, I'll go to the nearby library.   And I'll take up the offers from Audra and Kris to keep me company during some of the time.

I can look at this as a way to go back, hide myself, and bury myself in the old ways of doing things.  OR I can persevere, I can find out what I'm *really* made of and show myself that *I* am worth changing for.

I choose the latter.