New Goal

Tonight at WW, my leader suggested that we come up with new goals...but she cautioned us to not come up with weight (i.e. numbers) goals. And to be honest, I had (and am still having) a hard time with that.

I'd love to say that I'm driven by generalities, but I'm not. I'm the person who loves to do eTools online because it allows me to check off things and get a smiley. I make lists for the sole reason to be able to check the completed items off of it. So making a general goal of "to fit in a smaller size" or "to be more active" wasn't going to cut it.

I actually stayed after my meeting to talk with my leader. She is an amazing woman and someone that I really look up to. Not just because she used to be a big girl, lost weight, and has kept it off for four years. Not just because she does marathons. But because she challenges me - and keeps me accountable. Tonight we went through a habits profile- which was pretty much a way to figure out what habits you struggle with - what ones are keeping you from your goals.

My habit that I need to work on is "managing feelings" and anyone who's read either of my blogs can tell you that this is no shocker. I've had a hard time managing feelings for a long time - and I bet if I graphed how I feel emotionally with what I weigh, you'd see that in times of stress, I get bigger.

So my leader suggested the goal of becoming conscious of those feelings that urge me to eat. I'll be honest - I'm halfway there I think. Because when I recognize that I am eating emotionally, I'm usually pretty quick to stop it. I also have been trying to do things to keep me from getting to that emotional eating place...but sometimes I bet I'm not even aware of what I'm doing. So this next month I'm going to try to be conscientious of WHY I'm eating.

In other news, I surpassed my 40 pound milestone. I wanted to be down 50 by the time I got back from a trip I'm taking in a few weeks, but I don't think that's going to happen. :) So I'm just going to concentrate on being healthy. I am looking forward to that next washer on my keychain that designates that I am down 50 pounds. For those that don't know WW has started giving washers out to those that have lost increments of 25 pounds...and I'm excited to have 4 of them by the time all of this is done.

The last bit of great news I want to share is that I'm now a shopper at the GAP. Trying on those jeans 2 weeks ago was a reminder that I should try shopping at some of the "normal" stores...and I'm thrilled to say that I'm fitting nicely into some great jeans, slacks, and tops. There are so many more cute tops than what there are in plus size stores! :) Shopping there was definitely a boost to my self esteem and I had a great time walking around the mall with my GAP bag versus the LB bag. I'm going to take my friend Kris' suggestion and try to consign the clothing rather than giving it to Goodwill. The clothes that do not sell I will donate. I have a huge pile to donate/sell but for some reason am having a hard time letting it go. Does anyone have suggestions on how to let go of the oversized clothing?

El Paso Weigh In

I just came back from weighing in while on vacation in El Paso... and I miss my leader. :)

I decided not to stay for the meeting because the leader here was CRAZY. Apparently there is a rule that you can't take off your shoes for weigh-in. Even with my shoes on, I lost 1 pound. I came home and we weighed my shoes and they were 22 oz...which I am estimating at 1.4 pounds. So 2.4 pounds gone this week is fantastic.

What's more is that I had a goal that I wanted to be down 40 pounds by Christmas...and I think 39.6 is pretty darn close... plus, technically Christmas is Thursday...and I could lose 0.4 pounds by then. :)

Now, I could go into a lot of reasons about how I'm not sure that the 2.4 is accurate - mostly because I didn't eat much today...but my sister told me to just take the loss and be happy with it. So I am.

Not quite the biggest loser...

Right now I'm right in the middle of the finale for "The Biggest Loser" and I am amazed at how great these people look.

They look great because they have put in the hard work. And although my story isn't as drastic (yet), it's just as significant.

During one of the commercial breaks, I thought that I might want to start packing for what I'm going to wear for Christmas. And the jeans that I was wearing today started slipping down my waist and I thought to myself, "I should probably see if I fit in the smaller jeans."

Not only did I fit in them, but I decided to try on any jeans that I thought might possibly fit. This told me the following things:
1) Old Navy is not consistent in their sizing AT ALL. I fit into three different sizes equally as well, including one that is significantly smaller than what I graduated from high school as.
2) I now fit comfortably into a pair of Gap jeans - and they are SUPER cute.
3) Low waisted jeans do not look good on me at all. :)

Today has actually been really motivating. Not only did I track all of my points so far (which is actually SUPER fun to do online - a new thing for me (the online part)), but I also feel pretty darn motivated knowing that I could be down 40 pounds by Christmas. This is important because I just sent out all my Christmas cards where I stated that I was down 40. And I don't want to be a liar. :)

Getting my momentum back

Please refer to the post from a week ago - you know, the one where I THOUGHT I gained two pounds? Well, it turns out, there was a fluke either on the WW scale or something...because this past week, the scale at Weight Watchers said I gained 5.2 pounds.

People, I'm sure I have done stuff to actually gain that much, but I can guarantee that that is not what I did this past week.

I was shocked to see that number, but I also feel good about that I'm not freaking out. I know that between last week and this week, I actually only gained 1.4. And I can deal with 1.4. After all, I didn't have a lot to choose from at my dad's over Thanksgiving and I definitely indulged this past week by wanting to eat more than my points goal. So really, 1.4 makes sense.

And the 5.2 was just enough of a kick in the butt to get me off of my lazy butt to realize that it all doesn't come easy - or at least not all the time.

The new Weight Watchers plan kicked off yesterday and I'm actually really excited to use the tracker again.

So, I'm focused to do the best I can do this week - and I feel good about that. :)

Huh...not so much fun after all

Last night I saw a date for the second time. This guy is a big guy - he's 6'3" and built like a linebacker. I've never dated a guy that big and thought that it would be refreshing - a great way for me to feel tiny and feminine.

I've seen my smaller friends (height around 5 feet tall) get hauled around by boyfriends in the past. Sometimes, the smaller girls would exclaim that they didn't like it, but I couldn't fault their significant others. I mean, they were so cute - how could you not want to squish them? I would look at them wistfully and think "When I'm thin, some guy can haul me around as if I weighed nothing. It would feel so great to feel that small and feminine!"

As I found out last night, that is not necessarily true.

He was so very strong (he can bench over 500#) and there were times where I actually felt a little scared to be so out of control. I mean, last night - he squeezed me so tight a couple of times that I had a hard time breathing. I was walking to the kitchen to get more water and he literally grabbed me by the back of my pants and then pulled me back to him. I've always wanted to be that small - but it was really not fun at all.

Now I don't know if this guy was getting off on how strong he could be, if he was trying to demonstrate to me that he was tough, if he isn't aware of how strong he actually is, or if he is into S&M. I don't know and for MANY other reasons, I'm not planning on sticking around to find out.

But I guess I'm just shocked to find out that one of my thin dreams was realized and that it wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

Take that, turkey

Tonight I weighed in and found that I had actually LOST 3.8 pounds instead of gaining 2 like what MY scale said.

I'm really happy.

I think it was a bit of a fluke as I didn't really eat much today and I wore a lighter shirt than normal...but I don't think both of those would make up almost 4 pounds. Losing some weight seemed more likely...but I'll take the higher weight loss. :)

Seriously - being down almost 40 is pretty damn exciting.

I'm supposed to go out with some friends from high school during MLK weekend. I would love to be down 50 by then. I'd just feel healthier - and I'd love to see their reactions. :)

Right now I'm just thrilled at my progress. I'm not sure why the 38 seems so much higher than the 34, but it does. :)

Health Nut

We have a new guy that is being trained in our office. He's only here for a week - and then after that he'll go into outside sales where I'm sure he'll pretend he's better than us. It's what sales guys seem to do.

Anyway, today I was passing him in the hall with a bowl overflowing of honeycrisp apples. I LOVE THOSE APPLES. Anyway, he looked at me and said "Oh, you're a health nut, huh?"

My first reaction was to look behind me to see who he was talking to. Then, once I realized it was me, I sort of laughed in a SUPER sarcastic way and then said "Oh YEAH" also sarcastically.

But on my way back to my desk I realized that this is what people will start thinking of me. I mean, I still want to lose more weight - for many reasons - but the big one is so that I will be healthy.

Eventually, I won't be the token fat girl in my group. I will be the one who is healthy.

And that was a pretty cool revelation.

Learning to say "thank you"

I love my Weight Watchers meeting. It is by far the best group I have ever been affiliated with - the people at that meeting are fantastic!! There are several who have lost a lot of weight and are in the maintenance part of their "journey" - and I find them so inspiring! Those that haven't reached goal yet are such cheerleaders for everyone else. I really look forward to seeing them each week - and I know that if I were gone, they would wonder what happened to me and where I was.

But what I noticed was that tonight, when people were congratulating me on my loss this week, I said "Oh thanks - but it's no big deal - I have so much more to lose!" And while part of that statement is accurate (I do have a lot more to lose), I am proud of the weight that I have lost - especially since I had a HUGE meltdown this past week and chose to NOT eat out of comfort.

I guess I'm realizing that while I do have a lot more that I want to lose, for me to downplay what I have already lost would be silly. I have lost five points on the BMI scale. I am really proud of what I have done...because as great as the outside transformation is, the inside transformation is pretty amazing too.

I'm trying to learn how to take compliments. And I'm trying to learn that self-deprecation helps no one.

Any advice from those of you who have been there? Any tips on what you did during your transition?

Awww...shucks

So I started this blog and to be honest, I didn't even think people would notice it. That's why I haven't been as funny as I am on the other blog - and it's also why I haven't made it look pretty.

I guess because in a small way, this blog represents how I think I am when you strip away my layers of self defense and the makeup. Not as pretty, and not as much of a need to make others laugh.

Here's the thing - the people that have read this post by stumbling by it have been awesome...and I have really appreciated your comments of support.

I am proud of the weight I have lost - and I find myself downplaying it to others...but it's nice to come here - to this safe place where I can write freely about the issues that surround my weight and my weight loss. My self-image and my self-worth have been tied for so long that it's hard for me to even understand one without taking into account the other.

I guess that's why your comments still mean a bunch - that you would read this blog - even though it's not as funny, not as pretty, and not as helpful as other blogs out there.

Huh, I guess I am changing

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I was doing my typical thing by trying to figure out what I was going to bring for lunch.

Then I remembered that I went to the grocery store last night and I had a new batch of fresh fruit, low fat soups, and new green teas! I was so excited. And that's when it hit me.

I remember days when I would be almost salivating over the goodies I had bought at the store - being so excited to eat this new brand of chips, some chocolate that sounded great, or even a frozen pizza. And here I am, able to avoid those foods at the store AND able to look forward to crunching into that fresh new crisp apple at lunch.

I guess my mindset is changing. I'm probably just as pre-occupied with food. I'm not sure that that will ever go away 100%, but I am looking forward to eating the healthy things. I've started to think of it as a challenge and I think the next step is going to be cooking...so I can experiment with all of the fun flavors that are out there.

I know - this is a big change from where my mindset was a week ago. And when I weighed in on Monday, I did gain - but it was only 0.8 pounds. And that's not a big deal. I mean, in the whole scheme of things, I really am still doing great.

And I'm proud - that somehow my mindset is changing and my brain is starting to learn different things.

I still have the issues with my family and weight. I know I will probably always battle with those creeping feelings of insecurity. But at least now I have some healthy habits to help me along.

Self Sabotage

So I realized this past week, as I was sabotaging what I have worked SO hard for that it was me getting in the way of me.

Maybe there was something going around, but today there were several blogs posted on this subject.

Stephanie posted about her revelation. That when we sabotage ourselves, we're really playing the role of a punisher. And I so get that. I have held myself to such high expectations by should-ing all over myself. And really it's silly. Because if someone takes days or weeks or months to call me back I don't think they're worse as a person. But if I don't call someone back, then I feel horrible. This, of course, means that in my life of constant checks and balances, that I should be some sort of demerit.

I think if I took more enjoyment in the actual eating of the food, even if I overeat, that it would be worth it. However, what it turns out to be is me getting fed for some other reason...such as was the case last Wednesday. The big thing is that I do it to comfort AND punish myself.

Roni had a video Q&A posted today and she also discussed how why people might sabotage themselves. One of the things that really resonated with me was how she lost her identity. That if she had always defined herself as a chubby girl, what would she be when she was no longer chubby? She no longer fit into that whole group. And I guess that has really resonated with me.

I pride myself on being funny. I love little more than to know that someone else is laughing at what I said -probably because I feel of value. Sure, I feel like people might want to hang around me more if they have fun with me; but I also feel like I have a place that I don't have to fight for. I can be the funny person. And so I am.

But what if I was another thin girl? How would that feel? Then how would I define myself?

The times in my life when I've been thin or at least thinner, I've felt VERY uncomfortable. All of the sudden guys were buying me drinks at bars and people wanted to kiss on me. It was a great feeling on one hand, but was also very scary.

I think it was scary because *I* didn't believe that I brought much else to the table. I mean, I know I'm loyal, I'm enthusiastic, and I'm supportive to the point of enabling, but what if I was all of those things and then I got fat and then he hated me? Yes - that would be me with someone like my dad all over again.

The difference is this time, I'm trying to concentrate on the things that I get to be if I'm thinner. I get to be not worried that I'm going to break someone's furniture. I get to be something slutty for Halloween if I want to. I get to buy things in a store because I know that they will fit! I get to not be the token fat girl in the group. I get to feel more like a part of the group instead of outside of the group.

Mind you, I'm not romanticizing my life when I get thinner. I've fallen into that trap before...I'll be happier, married, have kids, successful, help solve world peace when I'm thin. Instead I'm trying to focus on what I'm gaining (more mobility, more pride, putting myself first) versus what I'm losing.

I'm sure I'll always want to make people laugh (because of the reasons listed above) but I'm looking forward to being comfortable in my skin - no matter what the size.

Perspective

Okay - I'm better now.

I mean, I'm feeling better.

Actually, I am feeling over-full, which is not a fun feeling, and is not a smart idea since tomorrow is weigh in...but the sandwich I was eating tasted so good and apparently I had no impulse control at lunch.

Anyway, I have been reading a lot of blogs that focus on health. A couple of weeks ago I found Roni's Weigh. She had a post yesterday that I thought was great - and something that I hope to keep in mind during my journey.

So here it is. And I hope that it brings some satisfaction in knowing that you are not alone.

Don't look here

I feared that this would happen. See, I'm not doing as well this week as I have in the past. I'm not shocked that I would have weeks where I would gain. Hell, I've been overweight my whole adult life - please...I knew that I would gain. I feared the stuff that happens BEFORE I gain the weight...as in the emotional turmoil that I go through and don't react to in a positive way.

The problem with me this week is that for some reason (despite success on Monday night's meeting) I feel so bad about myself - or rather my current social situation. Which is to say, I feel so very alone.

I wish that it didn't make a difference. I wish that I could shake off the bad feelings that have plagued me this week. I wish that I could feel that in the midst of me feeling like I don't matter to anyone else that I could still somehow matter to myself.

But unfortunately, I don't particularly feel lovable - which makes NOW the hardest time to love myself. And how do I doctor it? By last night eating whatever I damn well pleased. I stepped on the scale this morning and cringed, knowing that I cannot possibly lose that weight gain by Monday's meeting.

WHY does this affect me so much? WHY can't I shake off all of the emotional SHIT? Why can't I classify my dad's opinion of overweight people as wrong? Why do I care so much about what someone else thinks of me?

I know that I'll go to Monday's meeting - and be prepared for the gain and the questions at the scale from my leader. And I know that next week I'll probably buckle down and fight the bad feelings in a more positive way. And I know that without doing this, I'll never even have a chance of being healthier.

But I also know that this week completely represents WHY I've had a weight problem in my life. It clearly links my mental health and my physical health. And although I can put band-aids on it, I know that I need to find out why I feel this way so that I can get over it - or at least deal with it better.

It's just that I don't know how to fix the root of the problem...and my fear is that maybe I can't.

So don't look at me as an example of what to do...because I'm not example worthy - other than what not to be.

Modular

It's been one week since I had my new bed delivered.

I was hoping that all my pain would disappear, but it turns out that the cause of my pain is me. Story. Of. My. Life. I still have the pain when I sleep even with this super fancy schmancy bed. So I've started to keep a sleep journal (just as exciting as it sounds - which is to say that it's not exciting at all) to try to narrow down for my doctors why I have such intense pain when I am sleeping.

Most days I'm just sore, but Thursday night I was in a lot of pain. So there's that.

I haven't decided if I want to return my bed to Sleep Number or if I want to keep it - I'm trying to be practical about it, but am really not donating lots of time to it. I guess I'm still hoping that one of these mornings I'll wake up and be able to jump out of bed, click my heels like the Irish person I am, and then go about my merry way, being free of pain. Hmmm...maybe I should keep a flask by my bed.

Anyway, a week ago, when the new bed was being delivered, I went home to meet the delivery guy. He was a nice guy and was pretty chatty as he was setting up the bed. The bed comes in a ton of different boxes - it's built right before your eyes.

Me: Wow. I guess I'm surprised with how modular it is!

Him: Ha! It's funny that you would say that. Modular. The only people that have used that term are dorky engineers.

Me: *cough* *cough* Um...that's me.

Him: What?

Me: I am a dorky engineer.

Him: Oh. Really? Hmm...weird. Modular.

*This post was originally written on my other blog...but I moved it to this blog for ease of linking.

Where is a cameraman when you need one?

This post is actually on my other blog, but I decided that it fit better over here...so I'm double posting. :) That's how I roll.

Last night I had a thrilling night. I watched "The Happening" AND "Baby Mama." And I stayed awake through both movies. If you've ever been around me while a movie was on, you know that me staying awake through an entire movie (let alone two) is pretty darn amazing. Typically, I'm asleep by the time the opening credits get done rolling.

Alright, so my night wasn't as thrilling as a single 31 year old's should be, but I was happy.

Tonight I decided to turn over a new leaf and return the movies to Blockbuster on time. Hey, what can I say? I am Oprah-esque. I make the world a better place. So I took the pooch up with me - it's not far away (maybe a mile) and besides, Chassis loves to go for walks. There we were, walking at a brisk pace when I decided that I'd rather run.

(short aside: When I lived in Oklahoma, I used to run each night on the track by my apartment. I got to where I was running for an hour or so and I loved it. Now, I'm quite a bit heavier than I was then, and I guess I stopped thinking that I was in any condition to run. I mean, I've been "running" 4-5 miles at the gym...but it's been on an elliptical machine. Which is really not running at all. It's like the "I can't believe it's not butter" of running. It's close - but not the same. So running today without being out of breath was something that I had not even realized I missed.)

So I ran (I ran so far away...) to Blockbuster and back...with my HUGE dog literally loping right beside me. Usually we get cars to stop and/or stare - because Chassis is so big (thus her ability to lope like a horse). But today if anyone was looking, I think it was because we would've made a pretty cool picture.

You know, I've always admired those little tiny girls, running with their golden retrievers right beside them. Somehow they look like they'd get done running, pile in to their Land Rover, and go shopping at Pottery Barn. And even though I know that I don't quite make the same picture (bigger redhead with a huge blue dog piling into a MINI), I think it was just as cool.

It's a first

Yikes.

This is the first post of a new blog I'm trying out. We'll see if it sticks.

I wanted a place where I could blog openly about my decision to get healthier - specifically physically. My other blog is a great place for people to come for a good laugh. But here is where I get to write about being smaller and my efforts to fight many demons from my past.

Turning 31, for some reason, has been a big thing for me. I suppose it's because I'm officially in my 30s. And let's face it, I'm not getting younger. All the things I thought that I'd be (wife, mom, aunt, etc.) by now have not happened. And I'm tired of waiting for it.

So I've been working on being healthier - mind, body, and spirit.

Sometimes it seems more of a challenge.

So welcome. Welcome to my journey to smaller fun pants.

Believe it or not, it's just me

I know, I haven't written in almost a week.

What is wrong with me? Where are my priorities? Sheesh.

Here's the deal, I've had a lot going on this week and have had it combined with the least sleep I've ever had in my life. And here's where I assure the moms that read my blog that I'm not comparing my lack of sleep to your lack of sleep with newborns because OH MY GOSH that is just insane how you moms do it. Seriously, I thought the childbirth part of it was God's punishment to Eve and all the rest of us...so what is with this bullshit about not sleeping for months afterwards?

I thought the lack of sleep thing was fixed when I adjusted the slats of my bed. Turns out that that happened to not have a lasting effect. And darn it if I was going to take back my solution since I compared myself to a princess. Do you know how much I still want to be a princess? I'm not going to give that up, are you crazy?

So, I've been walking around like a zombie from "Shaun of the Dead" for the past week. BTW, that movie is so funny that if you haven't seen it, you probably should never admit it to me - because I'll likely stop whatever you're doing, drag you to Blockbuster, rent the movie, and then drag you back home with me to watch it. Wait, I own it. Whatever. You get what I'm saying.

So I went to go mattress shopping and had narrowed it down to a Sleep Number or a Tempurpedic mattress. Why? Because marketing works on me. And after going to multiple stores (first Sleep Number store had a sales person/manager who I SWEAR was snorting cocaine in the back room and I'm not even kidding), I finally decided on getting a Sleep Number bed. And I'm going to feel happy about my purchase and not think on how I would've bought a sleeping bag for the same amount of money if they would've just let me sleep there for 15 minutes.

But, getting back to the title of the post, I was surprised at how all of the salespeople that I met kept asking if it was just me. Umm...yes. I'm single. And I still want a queen size bed because I'm not in college any more.

One of them asked me if I shared a bed with someone and all I could think of saying was "I don't have a significant other." WHY DID I SAY THAT? I don't even have an INsignificant other. So the whole pitch, she was very careful to mention "partner" instead of "husband." And I couldn't figure out how to work in the whole "I'm not gay, I'm just stupid when it comes to defining things while laying down and trying not to fall asleep during your demo" speech in.

But hey, I have a new bed...

*This post was originally written on my other blog...but I moved it to this blog for ease of linking.